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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298253">Romangst || Roman Angst One-shot Compilation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks'>Coby_Thinks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Angst, Death, I've had it on Wattpad for a few years, M/M, Multi, Other, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempts, Violence, and I'm adding it to A03, but there's a lot already written, its intense, self deprecation, self hatred, so brace yourselves, this is an angst compilation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:07:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>130,680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hey guys! I've had a Wattpad for longer than an account here, and one of my longest and oldest works there is a Roman angst compilation! There's so much good content that I'm proud of that I wanted to move over, so I'm utilizing quarentine to get it over here! </p><p>WARNINGS: This is an ANGST book. A lot of the one-shots have happy endings, but a lot don't. I write a lot of different characters as unsympathetic, and I write a lot of different scenarios that might include rape, abuse, death, suicide, self harm, and intense angst and whump material. </p><p>I also started this in October of 2018, so the first few one-shots won't have Remus at all and will have Deceit as a villain (though I always love a good villain) just because of the fandom environment around that time. I'll post the date that each one was posted originally in the chapter notes, just so you can accurately understand where some headcanons come from.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>85</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>140</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Request Things Here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Howdy! Yes, the angst will come soon, but I wanted to establish boundaries and a place to put requests.</p>
<p>Please ONLY request prompts here, so I can keep it organized.</p>
<p>Thanks, here are the rules.</p>
<p>
  <b>Things I WILL write</b>
</p>
<p>As this IS an Angst book - I'm pretty open to a lot of what that entails such as:</p>
<p>depression</p>
<p>self-harm (NOTHING descriptive/explicit)</p>
<p>Suicide (NOTHING descriptive/explicit)</p>
<p>abuse</p>
<p>non-consensual topics like rape but ONLY by mentioning it - MAYBE vague explanations but this is NOT a smut book  - and rape isn't smut, it's evil. So yeah. I'll include that if the need arises but it will not be very descriptive.</p>
<p>I WILL write happy endings</p>
<p>I will ALSO write angst with NO happy ending - but only if it is requested and I will warn you beforehand. (read the warnings you guys please)</p>
<p>
  <b>Things I WILL NOT write </b>
</p>
<p>Drugs</p>
<p>Anything to do with drugs I'm not even kidding just typing the word is making me anxious so please</p>
<p>Incest (I'm sorry remrom shippers - I just don't write that for reasons but you are free to do your own thing - I will write brotherly and platonic creativitwins if you desire)</p>
<p>Pedophilia - like with the non-con statement above, I might. But probably not. I know too many people who have been traumatized by this happening to them, and I am NOT okay with writing it in any context but vague memories and declaring it is BAD. Because it is. Thank.</p>
<p>Heavy or explicit alcohol use - sorry, but it's the way I am. There will be points like in stories with abuse that it's mentioned, but I will not have the main characters using alcohol.</p>
<p>
  <b>That's it</b>
</p>
<p>As you can see, I'm open to pretty much anything other than things that personally trigger me, so please respect that. and PLEASE request things because I love writing angst for you guys and getting your feedback!! </p>
<p>Thanks and I love you all!</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Hopes and Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published October 11, 2018</p>
<p>Warnings: self-deprecation, not feeling good enough, angst, unsympathetic Deceit (Minor mentions. like one line.)</p>
<p>Roman feels like he's holding Thomas back, and decides some changes are in order.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas opened the video with a 'song'. "<em>One day</em>... I'll get this video done and sleep."</p>
<p>*insert title sequence here lol*</p>
<p>"What is up, everybody!" Thomas said enthusiastically. "I gotta tell you, I am inspired today!" He stood there for a moment, mouth slightly open, then blinked and continued to speak. "So many ideas, can't think of just one!"</p>
<p>"Ah, maybe I can help." Logan popped up and adjusted his glasses. "One way to decide which idea to choose would be using the process of elimination. What idea do you desperately not want to do?"</p>
<p>"I..." Thomas stared at him for a moment. "I wanna do all of them."</p>
<p>"You're biting off more than you can chew..." Virgil said, making Thomas jump.</p>
<p>"Oh, hey buddy!" Thomas said cheerfully.</p>
<p>"Logic and Anxiety again?" Virgil glanced around. "Don't tell me you had another audition."</p>
<p>"Nah...." Thomas's smile wavered. "I actually dunno if I'll be doing another of those anytime soon..." the two exchanged confused glances as Thomas brightened again. "But get this idea I had for something completely unrelated! I could write a joke book, filled with every joke ever said on this show. Hey, that's not unrelated at all! This is gonna be great, okay?"</p>
<p>"But... Thomas that's not a video!" Virgil said, looking to Logan.</p>
<p>"Think about this Thomas, what do you want to do for the video? Right now?" Logan pressed.</p>
<p>"Uhhhh I dunnoooo!" Thomas groaned. "There are so many ideas, guys! So many possibilities, things we need to discuss, ideas we need to share, storylines...."</p>
<p>"Punchlines!" Patton said, rising up gleefully.</p>
<p>"Punchlines!" Thomas agreed, pointing at him. "It's just so hard to pick one...."</p>
<p>"Well, the process of elimination didn't work." Logan said. " any ideas, Virgil?"</p>
<p>"If you don't make a video, everyone will hate you."</p>
<p>"Well, that sucks..." Thomas said, looking downcast. Logan frowned.</p>
<p>"That did not help, Virgil?"</p>
<p>"I'm anxiety," Virgil said, shrugging. "That was all I got."</p>
<p>"How about this;" Patton said, looking around at them. "We put all the ideas in a hat, and then we pull one out and do that one!"</p>
<p>"So many hats..." Thomas stared blankly for a moment, then sighed. "I dunno guys, do we need to do a video today? Maybe once I organize all these thoughts or something..."</p>
<p>"That may help...." Logan frowned slightly.</p>
<p>"You promised your fans a video, Thomas," Virgil said, shaking his head. "They won't like you procrastinating..."</p>
<p>"Wait..." Logan looked from Thomas to Virgil. "Usually when Thomas doesn't want to make a video, it's you telling him the script isn't ready."</p>
<p>"Well... I guess?"</p>
<p>"Now, when you are encouraging productivity, he is still uncertain," Logan scowled, pinching his chin. "What does it mean..."</p>
<p>"Well, there are a lot of ideas..." Patton said from where he was rifling through a hat.</p>
<p>"Where did you... what?!"</p>
<p>"I can conjure things too," Patton said dismissively. "Here's one... okay, who submitted a hide a seek reality TV show? That doesn't make sense at all!"</p>
<p>"Sounds like something Prince would come up with-" Virgil stopped and stared over at the TV area, which was unoccupied.</p>
<p>"Oh hey, where is Princey?" Thomas asked, pointing at the creative side's spot. "He usually comes out when I need to focus on ideas...."</p>
<p>"Oh, he's got ideas," Patton said, reading another slip of paper.</p>
<p>"Roman, would you please join us?" Logan called, adjusting his tie. There was no answer. They all glanced at each other nervously and Thomas sighed.</p>
<p>"Well, guess I can't be creative right now, soooo what do I do with all this energy?"</p>
<p>"It's creative energy!" Virgil said, waving a hand in the air. "You're being overly creative, Thomas. So many weird ideas are popping into your head... Patton put down the hat!" Patton pouted, but put the Hat away, probably in his room to look back on later. "So many weird Ideas are popping into your head, half of them are probably illegal at this point!"</p>
<p>"You aren't incorrect," Logan said, inclining his head toward Virgil. "But it still begs the question as to why Roman isn't here. He loves filming."</p>
<p>"Oh! Idea!" Patton waved his arms around and Virgil exchanged a glance with Logan, then they looked at him. "What if we fill a joke book with all the jokes-"</p>
<p>"Put the hat AWAY!" Virgil didn't mean to yell, but Patton obeyed quickly.</p>
<p>"Try to focus, Patton," Logan said, rolling his eyes slightly. "Thomas, just looking back now I recall you saying something about no more auditions... why exactly is that?" Thomas frowned.</p>
<p>"Well... I was actually thinking about taking my life in a... more formatted direction?" he scratched his head. "Wow, that's weird. I love acting... but like... I can barely imagine what it feels like anymore. Is that weird? I feel like that's weird."</p>
<p>"I think I know what's happening...." Virgil said uneasily. There was a small pause, in which they all imagined a certain Disney reference to be made. There wasn't one.</p>
<p>"Oh, I get it." Patton finally said, shoulders slumping slightly. "Roman's... not here."</p>
<p>"Yes, we clarified that," Logan said, scowling. "Why did you feel the need to-"</p>
<p>"Lo, it's not just that he didn't come for the video," Virgil said darkly. "Thomas's personality has changed..." he raised his eyebrows as no one seemed to understand. "Like when I ducked out."</p>
<p>"Quack!" Patton said happily.</p>
<p>"Oh... oh dear." Logan frowned. "But Thomas has plenty of inspiration and creative energy, Roman is very obviously affecting him."</p>
<p>"Is he?" Virgil asked suspiciously. "Thomas, hey focus buddy." Thomas has started scribbling in a notebook but looked up when Virgil spoke. "What's your bucket list?"</p>
<p>"Bucket list...." Thomas frowned, staring into the distance. "Like... goals?"</p>
<p>"A wish list." Virgil rephrased. "What do you dream about doing?"</p>
<p>"I..." Thomas seemed baffled, not to mention nervous. "I don't know."</p>
<p>"Oh, I see now," Logan said, showing a rare burst of alarm.</p>
<p>"Soooo...." Thomas's face lit up. "We get to see Prince's room!"</p>
<p>"Oh good, I love his room!" Patton cheered, clapping. "There are so many fun things to do there!"</p>
<p>"Well, let's go then." Virgil sighed, rubbing his eyes. "If it'll make Thomas get a sound idea and start filming... sounds great."</p>
<p>"Awww, you care about Roman!" Patton squealed. Virgil ignored him.</p>
<p>"Can we just go.. Get it over with?" he asked moodily. Thomas nodded and closed his eyes, they soon appeared in another version of the living room.</p>
<p>He'd been expecting castles and dragons and knights, maybe a stage. He wasn't expecting a near empty, dark room. It didn't seem to match Roman at all... but he was sure they were in the right place,</p>
<p>"Well...this is different..." Patton said, eyes wide. "This is... well, let's just say he redecorated."</p>
<p>"This... this is extremely concerning." Logan said, uneasiness crossing his face.</p>
<p>"Holy- even my room was more creative than this!" Virgil complained.</p>
<p>"H-hey Roman!?" Thomas called into the empty room, it echoed slightly. "You wanna join us?"</p>
<p>Quite suddenly, the fourth side appeared in his corner of the room. He looked awful. His hair was disheveled, hanging in his eyes, for some reason he wore his Christmas sweater instead of his usual outfit, and he didn't even seem to notice he'd come when called. Instead, he was still writing feverishly in a notebook, much like the one Thomas had been using earlier. Muttering to himself, and didn't seem particularly happy. The others sides glanced at each other, having some kind of unspoken conversation, then they looked at Thomas.</p>
<p>"Oh, right," Thomas said, chuckling a bit. "Hey, Roman!"</p>
<p>"Aaaugh!" Roman jerked upward, fumbling with the notebook before dropping it. "Oh, it's all of you..." He didn't seem particularly excited. "I have to say, I didn't think you'd take idea number two sixty quite as soon, so I wasn't really-"</p>
<p>"Two sixty?" Logan asked, adjusting his glasses.</p>
<p>"Yeah!" Thomas said excitedly. "That's where we take a tour of my mindscape, visiting your guys' rooms because the viewers are really curious, and-"</p>
<p>"Okay, nevermind." Logan held up a hand. "Roman, Roman!" Roman looked up from the notebook he'd retrieved.</p>
<p>"Yes?"</p>
<p>"What do you think you're doing?" Virgil asked, staring at him with an unreadable expression. Roman frowned. He glanced around at all of them.</p>
<p>"...I'm thinking of ideas," he said as if it should be obvious. "That's what I do, I'm creativity."</p>
<p>"I don't need any more ideas right now, Princey..." Thomas said, rubbing his head. "I can't keep them all straight."</p>
<p>"I'd really prefer if you just called me Roman..." he trailed off, studying the page in his notebook. "Oh yes, that would be marvelous..." they all stared at him. For one, he loved being called a prince and for two, he missed the perfect opportunity for a gay joke. Something was definitely wrong.</p>
<p>"We've called you Princey since before we knew your name," Patton said, eyes wide. "Don't you like it?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, and what the heck are you doing, trying to duck out like this?" Virgil demanded.</p>
<p>"Quack!"</p>
<p>"I am actually working quite hard, Virgil."</p>
<p>"You called me Virgil, see guys this isn't good."</p>
<p>"I call you Virgil all the time!" Roman said, irritated. "It's your Name!"</p>
<p>"Well you just usually start out with a nickname, not my fault there's a pattern." Virgil shrugged and Roman sighed. Instead of replying... he started writing again in his notebook. Thomas watched for a moment, then a slow smile spread across his face.</p>
<p>"Whoa, that's genius!" he yelled, making all but Roman jump. "What about a game where we get all the cups in the house and then Joan blindfolds me, and I get to drink out of the cups and have to guess which cup I'm drinking from!"</p>
<p>"...what?" Logan asked, squinting.</p>
<p>"Y'know..." Thomas waved a hand around. "Like... Roman, tell him."</p>
<p>"You know this Logan," Roman said, holding his pencil up as he read over the idea. "People can walk through their dark houses and know where everything is. It's like walking through a memory, so, reaching along that same line, Thomas should be able to tell small differences from all the cups in his house. It's also a test to see how hydrated he is, I think you'll like that part. So with a blindfold, Joan, and some water we can make both an educational and a fairly hilarious video!" He snapped the notebook shut. "Any other questions?"</p>
<p>"I have a question," Virgil said, raising a hand. "What is wrong with you?" Roman blinked, staring at him.</p>
<p>"Come again?"</p>
<p>"Well, let me phrase this," Patton held out a hand to both Roman and Virgil. "Roman, you aren't acting like yourself." Roman frowned, glancing around at all of them.</p>
<p>"No? I'm thinking of ideas for Thomas, and that is my primary function."</p>
<p>"You just sounded like Logan," Virgil said pointedly. Roman rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"I see, you're referring to my minor role as the dreamer," he said, shaking his head. "Well I was hoping to bring it up when Thomas wasn't trying to make a video, but you're right. I have... stopped. Being the dreamer."</p>
<p>"WHAT!?" Thomas and Virgil yelled in unison. They all started talking to him at once, and Roman stared at them all, confused. Patton was getting emotional, Thomas and Virgil were freaking out, and Logan had drawn another diagram. This was going to get them nowhere. Roman sighed, putting away the notebook and taking a deep breath.<br/>"I am creativity!" Roman said, holding up his hands to silence the others. They all stared at him. "That is what I was known as before you learned my name was it not?"</p>
<p>"Well, yeah kiddo, but-"</p>
<p>"I am supposed to help Thomas come up with ideas," Roman said, brushing hair out of his face. "And I will continue to do that, I will give him ideas. But I don't think he needs anything else I bring to the table..."</p>
<p>"You're kidding, right?" Virgil was staring at him. "Think of when I ducked out-"</p>
<p>"Quack"</p>
<p>"Remember what that did to Thomas? I'm just anxiety, you're his hopes and dreams! His-"</p>
<p>"I AM CREATIVITY!" Roman yelled, tensing visibly. They all stared. "And that is all I need to be."</p>
<p>"...Roman... no." Thomas said, eyes wide. "That... what? That's crazy!"</p>
<p>"Yes, I'd have to agree," Logan said, obviously perturbed. "Why now? So suddenly, when did you decide this?"</p>
<p>"I've actually been thinking about it for quite a while, to tell you the truth," Roman said, putting his pencil behind his ear. "I really don't know what the problem is."</p>
<p>"You're kidding right?" Logan asked, adjusting his glasses.</p>
<p>"No, I'm not." Roman said, "And I did think you for one would be happy about this Logan, what's gotten into all of you?"</p>
<p>"Prin- Roman," Patton said, wringing his hands. "Aren't Thomas's hopes and dreams... important?"</p>
<p>"I can be... unrealistic." Roman said, rubbing his eyes. "So, I thought we'd be much more productive if, you know, I set those on the back burner."</p>
<p>"That explains it," Logan said, throwing his hands in the air. "Do you have any idea what an effect that will have on the future?" Roman looked clueless but tried to guess anyway.</p>
<p>"We.... have a more productive future....?"</p>
<p>"No! The opposite!"</p>
<p>"Just a few videos ago you told me all my goals were unrealistic." Roman said in exasperation, "and I did some thinking, and you're right. I don't like it, but I'm trying to do what's best for Thomas-"</p>
<p>"This isn't the best!" Thomas said, cutting the sides off. "This really isn't, Roman!"</p>
<p>"I've been giving you ideas all day!" Roman exclaimed, seeming panicked. "What else do you want from me?"</p>
<p>"You aren't just my creativity and my inspiration," Thomas said pleadingly. "You're my hopes and dreams, the reason I do what I do. Without you, I don't want to act, I can't imagine any of my bucket list goals, I literally have no aspirations!"</p>
<p>"Thomas has been going nuts because he has too many ideas," Virgil said, Roman bit his lip. "But because You're just focusing on ideas, and not fantasizing about the end result, he can't do anything."</p>
<p>"Yeah, c'mon kiddo, we need our knight in shining armor back!"</p>
<p>"Stop trying to woo me by calling me a knight!" Roman said though he was obviously hiding a smile. "It won't work, Thomas don't you see? I get so caught up in what could be, or what could happen that I... lead you astray..." he groaned, rubbing his eyes. "This doesn't make any sense, I was sure this would be helpful..."</p>
<p>"You aren't the logical side," Virgil said, smirking slightly.</p>
<p>"Of course he's not, I'm the logical side," Logan said, confused.</p>
<p>"I'm loving some of these ideas," Thomas said, wringing his hands. "But they're just ideas. Roman, creativity is more than that."</p>
<p>"I do suppose... you're right." Roman said uneasily, tugging the sleeve of his sweater. "The creative process is much more than an idea, but I just get caught up on imaginary things so easily, and-"</p>
<p>"Roman, you are imaginary," Virgil said, spreading his hands. "We're all imaginary except Thomas, you're wearing an imaginary sweater right now."</p>
<p>"Why are you wearing that, if I may ask?" Logan asked. Roman glanced down at it.</p>
<p>"Well, I suppose in my attempts to... be more realistic, the prince outfit didn't quite fit..." he said slowly.</p>
<p>"Roman, dreams aren't unrealistic," Patton said fondly. "They're the best part of life! It's a wish..."</p>
<p>"Your heart makes." Roman sighed grudgingly.</p>
<p>"When you're fast asleep." Virgil finished fondly. "Look, Roman, I dunno what got you thinking that dreams were bad for Thomas, but even I'm telling you to bring them back. That's gotta count for something."</p>
<p>"Well, it is a surprise," Roman sighed. "Though you must be having a rough time of this if Thomas truly isn't accomplishing... anything."</p>
<p>"Yeah," Virgil said, scratching his neck. "So can you please bring aspirations back now?" Roman stood taller, seeming to consider it, then leaned his head to one side.</p>
<p>"I just..."</p>
<p>"You've got to be joking." Logan sighed. "Roman, what on earth is happening over there?"</p>
<p>"I just worry," Roman said. "I can be gullible, and frankly I've been worried ever since Thomas learned about... well about Deceit." There was a pause. "You three were against lying from the start... and I... dreamed of everything being fine. Deceit gave us a path that looked that way, and I followed it."</p>
<p>"Aw, Roman..." Thomas said softly. "It's not your fault, he tricked all of us."</p>
<p>"I know, I know..." Roman said, throwing a hand up in the air. "I just can't stop feeling that I led you astray, and I wouldn't want to do that."</p>
<p>"That's why we're here!" Patton said, spreading his arms as if for a hug, even though they couldn't really. "Roman, buddy, you don't have to run this show alone! You know that you're just one part of Thomas. And just because you want the most idealistic ending doesn't mean we can't help in the decision!"</p>
<p>"That's true," Logan said. "There are many aspects of Thomas's personality, and you are just one of them. While you dream of a mountain cave home with a waterfall... I suggest more realistic things. It's not your job to be realistic."</p>
<p>"Yeah, Roman... not everything is on you." Thomas said, smiling a bit. "You are a big part of me, but so is Morality. And Logic, and Anxiety. You four combined, usually with a few disputes yes, is what usually brings me to the best possible conclusion." Roman nodded, though he still looked fairly glum.</p>
<p>"...alright." He said, smiling a bit. "I see your point... and I really am sorry. I was only trying to do what was best, but it seems I was being a bit... well, fanciful about the idea of being realistic."</p>
<p>"Awesome, so you're okay?" Thomas asked. Roman nodded, combing his hair back to where it usually was. He smiled.</p>
<p>"Yes, I suppose I am!" he said grandly, spinning around and reappearing in his prince costume.</p>
<p>"Yayy! Princey's back!" Patton clapped, smiling giddily.</p>
<p>"That sweater was very hot." Roman acknowledged.</p>
<p>"Yeah, it's August." Thomas nodded. "I was wondering." Roman shrugged, then glanced around his room.</p>
<p>"Oh, I almost forgot!" Roman said, waving his hands around. "Bippity boppity boo!" He sang happily, at each word one of the other corners became decorated. Movie posters, murals on the wall depicting castles and dragons and princess. The air felt, well, magical. "Perfect."</p>
<p>"Was the mad scientist lab really necessary?" Logan asked, looking behind him. Roman shrugged, though he winked at Patton and sent him into a fit of giggles.</p>
<p>"Wow, Princey your room is so cool!" Thomas said, face lit up like a Christmas tree. Roman shrugged.</p>
<p>"It changes on a day to day basis... today it's a little mellow," he observed, looking around.</p>
<p>"What's it like when it's... exciting...?" Virgil asked anxiously. Roman just smiled.</p>
<p>"Oh.. it is really cool." Logan rubbed his temples. "I can barely even think of what's so illogical about it anymore..."</p>
<p>"Now that your magic's back on... maybe we should go." Thomas said, looking around at the others. Patton was... still laughing, Logan seemed irritated by everything and Virgil was staring blankly, as if imagining what exactly Roman's room was like on an exciting day.</p>
<p>"Oh... yes you're right," Roman said, laughing nervously. In a moment, they sank out and reappeared in the regular living room. "Sorry about that, guys. I just... got in a mood..."</p>
<p>"Aw, that's okay!" Patton waved a hand. "It happens, and we worked through it together! Like a big old happy family!!!"</p>
<p>"...yes," Logan said, adjusting his tie. "That was successful, I think. Good to have you back to your egotistical self, Roman."</p>
<p>"Good to be back," Roman said, looking around the room happily.</p>
<p>"Okay, now that we've got that over with..." Virgil said, "Thomas can you <em>please</em> start working on stuff?!"</p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah okay." Thomas laughed.</p>
<p>"I am ready..." Roman sighed dramatically. "For whatever lies around the Riverbend!"</p>
<p>"And the Disney references are back, everyone," Logan said, backing up slightly. "That is my cue to leave."</p>
<p>"Thanks for your help, Logan," Thomas said, smiling. "We couldn't get through one video without your voice of reason," Logan smirked, adjusting his glasses.</p>
<p>"I know." and he sank out.</p>
<p>"And he says Roman's egotistical," Virgil muttered, shaking his head. "I think I need to recharge with some MCR... this was a stressful day."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry!" Roman called as he started to sink out.</p>
<p>"Nah you're good," Virgil said before disappearing.</p>
<p>"Well, that was fun!" Patton said, putting his hands on his hips. Roman and Thomas looked at him. "Well, Yeah it could have gone better but we got to see Roman's room! Kindof... and we got through the video!"</p>
<p>"Oh, you're right!" Thomas said, cheering up visibly. Roman smiled as well, but it was fake. Patton didn't seem to notice as he sunk down, saying something about cookies. Of course.</p>
<p>"Well, it seems the video worked itself out again," Roman said, looking over at Thomas.</p>
<p>"I guess," Thomas said, then hesitated. "Hey, Princey?"</p>
<p>"Yes?"</p>
<p>"You're sure you're alright? That was kind of a big thing..."</p>
<p>"Of course I'm alright!" Roman said grandly. "You were right, I was just... confused. And now you have a lot of new ideas to work on!"</p>
<p>"Yeah..." Thomas said, glancing down at the notebooks on his couch. "I do." then he smiled. "Thanks, Princey, you're the best." Roman nodded, sinking down silently just the same. He rose up back in his bedroom and the smile slowly melted off his face.</p>
<p>"You can lie to yourself all you want, but it won't change what you are." Roman looked up slowly. "You are a delusion."</p>
<p>"Get out of my room, Deceit."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>DUN DUN DUN So yeah, little cliffhanger kinda thing. This is a one-shot though, so I don't have anything else planned for it. It's just a little thing... y'know? but if you guys wanted me to make a Pt. 2, I'd probably find a few tricks up my sleeves. :D</p>
<p>I hope you guys enjoyed this, but idk when the next update of this book will be. It won't have a schedule, I'll just be posting, y'know, whenever I have material for Y'all.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted on November 9, 2018</p>
<p>Warnings: angst, self-deprecation, Deceit talks backward, unrequited Roceit</p>
<p>Roman needs to know the truth.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman hesitated, hand hovering in front of the door before knocking. He wanted to know, he so wanted to know what the truth was. But he was afraid of what he might find out. He glanced behind him nervously. If someone saw him here, they'd undoubtedly ask what he was doing. All the other light sides had been making sure Roman stayed away from Deceit, seeing as he was the most easily fooled. But Deceit was the only one who would tell him the truth, which sounded strange even in Roman's head. Roman took a deep breath and knocked.</p>
<p>"Goodbye?" the door swung open and Deceit stood there, seeming surprised. "Ah, Roman. I was expecting you." Roman forcefully reminded himself that Deceit was speaking backward.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry to surprise you," he mumbled softly. "But I have to ask you a question." Deceit narrowed his eyes but stepped back.</p>
<p>"Go away, then, and I won't answer it for you." He mumbled. Roman stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Deceit folded his arms expectantly.</p>
<p>"You know what Virgil said in the video," Roman said, avoiding eye contact. "In the song, when he said no one hated me."</p>
<p>"After you ask," Deceit held up a hand. "You're completely unaware that I speak the truth?" Roman smiled sadly.</p>
<p>"Yes, Deceit, I know you're going to lie. That's the only way I can be sure I know the truth. That, and you're the one who knows when anyone lies." Deceit shrugged.</p>
<p>"Well, don't ask me then."</p>
<p>"Is it true that no one hates me?" Roman asked, folding his arms to keep his hands from shaking. Deceit sighed.</p>
<p>"Everyone hates you, Roman."</p>
<p>"Virgil doesn't hate me?" he pressed, throat tightening with emotion.</p>
<p>"Virgil hates you the most." Deceit said softly. Roman stood there for a moment, mouth slightly open. No one hated him. Virgil didn't hate him.</p>
<p>"Thank you," Roman said, smiling genuinely at Deceit. Deceit frowned, looking away.</p>
<p>"You are not welcome," he muttered. "Now if we're just beginning, stay in my room."</p>
<p>"Alright, I'll be going." Roman chuckled. "Thank you again, Deceit." He left.</p>
<p>Deceit stared at his closed door sadly, then took a deep breath.</p>
<p>"I hate you, too, Roman," he whispered, staring at his gloved hands. "But you'll always know." </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>HNNNNG ANGST. I got angsty Deceit in there at the end, too! UwU I'm so proud of myself lol XDXD. </p>
<p>Thank you for reading!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Actor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted on January 7, 2019</p><p>Warnings: Self-harm, self-deprecation, suicide, major character death (and a cameo from an early version of my OC, Tristan)</p><p>Roman is an actor.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman was glad he was an actor. They were all technically actors, being part of Thomas who was an actor, but he was more of an actor than any of the others. At least, from what he knew. For all Roman knew, Logan could be the most emotional of all of them and simply trolling them all by pretending to be emotionless. Maybe Virgil hated MCR, and maybe Patton was allergic to chocolate as well as cats. But if Roman couldn't be sure about any of them, it made sense that they wouldn't know everything about him. And they didn't.</p><p>They didn't know what he hid beneath his prince costume. They didn't know how much he hated everything about himself, even when they told him how amazing they thought he was. Especially then. Because Roman knew they were lying, they had to be lying. He wasn't perfect, and nothing about him was good enough to make up for that.</p><p>They don't know that he's only happy when they're smiling. When a deep jealous pain wedges itself deep inside him because he knows. He knows that he'll never be as happy as they are, but they don't know. They can't know. He's too good of an actor for them to know.</p><p>Roman sighed deeply, staring sadly into the mirror. He gripped the sink tightly, staring as blood ran down his arms - bare only because he was alone and the door was locked - from cuts just below his shoulders. It was safer there, where there was no way the sleeves would slip down and show what he'd done. He stared at it for quite a while, then pulled some toilet paper from the roll and dried the blood.</p><p>He pulled on his shirt before it welled up again, glad he'd managed to waterproof, and therefore blood proof, his sleeves. Then, after checking his reflection and snapping his fingers so the bloody tissues and tear stains disappeared, Roman unlocked the door and went out into the commons.</p><p>He was actually quite proud of the small house he'd made for them in Thomas's mind palace, it made everything seem more real. That was also why he hated it, almost as much as himself. He could still feel the stinging pain on his upper arms, and the tightening around his heart as he thought about the others.</p><p>"Roman!" Patton seemed to materialize behind him and wrapped Roman in a hug. Roman hid the wince as a laugh when Patton made the cuts on his arms sting.</p><p>"Hey, Padre, what's up?"</p><p>"I was looking for you!" Patton declared, skipping around to face him.</p><p>"Here I am." Roman spread his hands, discreetly glancing at his arm. Luckily, just as always, no blood leaked through. Last time it had, he'd made up a story about the dragon-witch. But he hadn't gone to the imagination today, he couldn't afford too many risky lies. Patton beamed at him, and Roman felt another pang of jealousy.</p><p>"We're gonna have a movie night!" he declared. "Virgil's even coming, but Logan said he didn't want to, and I figured you could get him!" he grabbed Roman's hand and they started toward Logan's room. It was really more of a library, but that was how Logan wanted it. "Please?"</p><p>"What makes you think he'll listen to me?" Roman asked.</p><p>"Because you're the best!" Patton said, grinning adorably. Roman smiled sadly, glad that Patton didn't seem to tell. Of course, Patton said that. He said many things, this one just wasn't true.</p><p>"I'll try, then," Roman said. He'd let Patton down, it was inevitable. Logan was stubborn, but he had to try. For Patton.</p><p>"YAY! I knew I could count on you!" Patton hugged him again when they reached the door. Roman chuckled, then knocked.</p><p>"Logan? You in here?"</p><p>"Yes, Hello Roman." Logan's voice came from inside. Roman opened the door. Logan was sitting on his bed, reading a textbook. He looked up. "What is it?"</p><p>"We're having a movie night!" Roman declared, striding in. "What do you say? We'll have nutritious snacks!" Logan sighed, closing the book.</p><p>"Patton asked you to ask?"</p><p>"Yes." Roman shrugged, folding his arms. "Will you come?" Logan hesitated.</p><p>"Well...."</p><p>"We can watch Big Hero 6." Roman offered. "After Aladdin, of course, but we can."</p><p>"Very well, if all of you want me to be there." he sighed. Roman grinned. "I'll be down at seven, then."</p><p>"Excellent!" Roman declared, already turning to leave. "I'm looking forward to it, Nerd."</p><p>"Hm," Logan smirked as he left. Patton clapped his hands.</p><p>"He'll come," Roman said. "We're watching Big Hero 6 at least once, though."</p><p>"Yay!" Patton hugged Roman again. "I told you he'd listen to you! Thanks so much, Roman, I better get started on snacks, okay? You're the best!"</p><p>Roman watched him skip to the kitchen with a strained smile. Oh, if only Patton knew what Roman really was. Not the best, not even close. Roman turned and walked to his own room, tears threatening to spill. He loved to see Patton so happy, and it really did make the pain easier to bear. But it was still there, gnawing and eating away at him. Roman walked to his mirror and pulled off his shirt again. The wounds had already begun to scab over, but he summoned a knife and sighed, closing his eyes.</p><p>If he was going to get through a whole night of being with them, he had to do this, or he might freak out in the middle of the movie. And he couldn't do that. It was easier to hide physical pain than it was emotional, and that's just how it was.</p>
<hr/><p>Roman changed into pajamas and went down to the movie room at seven. Virgil was already there, curled up in the corner of the couch with his phone. Patton was in the kitchen, singing loudly and happily. Roman smiled at this. He flopped onto the couch, far away from Virgil, and let his thoughts wander for a moment.</p><p>Why was he like this? Why did he hurt so much whenever his friends were happy, whenever they said something nice? He was defective, or something, and he hated it.</p><p>"Hey, Princey." Roman blinked and looked over. Virgil was smirking. "You lost or something? I asked you a question."</p><p>"Oh! Sorry, Virge!" Roman straightened, running a hand through his hair. "What did you ask?"</p><p>"Just if you were alright, you seem kinda off..." Virgil shrugged, picking at his jeans.</p><p>"Oh, I'm fine." Roman laughed, hating that he lied.</p><p>"Greetings." Logan appeared with a book in one hand but smiling.</p><p>"Hey, you convinced Specs to come," Virgil said, unable to hide his own grin. Roman shrugged as Logan settled beside him, opening the book.</p><p>"We're all here!" Patton cheered, skipping in with snacks. He put in the movie and sat in the last space available as the lights dimmed. Roman turned to look at the movie, and they were halfway through the title sequence when Logan spoke again.</p><p>"Roman, what's on your arm?"</p><p>Roman tensed, tearing his gaze from the screen. Logan was sitting next to him, much closer than he'd have to be to notice the large red stain growing on Roman's sleeve.</p><p>His pajamas, of course, hadn't been waterproofed. And now, Logan had drawn the attention of both Patton and Virgil to the problem. Roman stood up.</p><p>"Roman, kiddo, wait!" Patton jumped up and the lights came back on. Roman ignored him, hurrying toward his room.</p><p>They knew. They knew! This was bad, this was the worst way tonight could have gone. Why was he such an idiot? Why did he even exist? Roman locked his door, even though he knew it didn't really do anything.</p><p>"Roman!" to his surprise, it was Logan at the door to his room. "Roman, please open the door."</p><p>"I don't want to," Roman said in a voice, for some reason still trying to act like he was fine. Logan sighed dramatically and rose up just inside the door. Roman stared at him unhappily. "What?"</p><p>"Just let me see your arm," Logan said softly, stepping forward. Roman stepped back.</p><p>"No, Logan, why can't you just go?" he reached up and prodded the wound through his shirt, hissing in surprise when it hurt more than usual.</p><p>Patton and Virgil appeared then as well but stayed behind Logan as the logical side strode forward and put a hand on each of Roman's shoulders, keeping him from escaping. Roman glared at him.</p><p>"I'm fine, what happened to your movie night?" he demanded. "I just wanted to sleep early-" he got cut off when Logan suddenly pulled his pajama shirt off, revealing the healing and still bleeding cuts on Roman's arms. The room fell silent, and no one spoke for a long time.</p><p>"That was no dragon-witch." Logan finally said, bandages materializing in his hands. Roman panicked, shoving him away.</p><p>"Kiddo, why did you do that?" Patton sounded heartbroken. And this time, Roman felt a stabbing pain without the happiness to counter it.</p><p>"All of you get out!" Roman yelled, pushing his hand forward so fast that his magic literally threw them out the door.</p><p>"Roman!" Logan begged from the other side. Showing emotion, though he claimed not to have any. Roman laughed bitterly, pulling his samurai sword out just as the door flew open again.</p><p>"I'm sorry, " he said, tears running down his face. "But you have no idea how hard it is to act."</p><p>The last thing Roman heard was Logan screaming his name, and then everything disappeared.</p>
<hr/><p>Tristan blinked, sitting up in a strangely ornate bed. He stood up and stared at a mirror, but everything was blurry. Tristan rubbed his eyes, then located a pair of glasses on the dresser and slipped them on. There, better. He crossed to the door and left, just as another side had been about to knock.</p><p>The side had red-rimmed eyes, he'd been crying.</p><p>"Oh, hello." the other side said, holding out a hand. "Logic, or Logan."</p><p>"Hi," Tristan whispered, taking it. "I'm creativity."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Beep boop the end</p><p>oof we even got some Logince in there before... well... y'know.</p><p>Hope I didn't scar any of you too much! </p><p>EDIT (January 7, 2020) So this was the inspiration for a series I posted on my Ao3 account where an updated version of Tristan and a different backstory exists. It's totally okay to be angry at this Tristan, but I just wanted to clarify that this isn't in the same AU that my series is in because of reasons. So yeah. meant to edit this in here awhile ago lmao. &lt;3</p><p>Yeah! I hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading!</p><p>Love you all,</p><p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Pride: Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted on January 7, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: Unsympathetic Deceit, OC dark sides also unsympathetic, self-harm, violence, suicide attempt, lies (deceit), Pride!Roman</p>
<p>Roman has a secret - one he'd do anything to keep hidden. But was it ever a secret in the first place?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman was walking from the imagination to the mind palace, it was only a short walk and he liked doing that more than teleporting - even though he could. It made him feel more real, even though he knew he technically wasn't, he still liked to think he was. This time, however, Roman was going to regret taking the long way back.</p>
<p>The dark sides generally stuck to the far side of the mindscape, where they had whatever it is they had. That's why Roman didn't expect them to appear around him. Deceit, Envy, and Hatred. He immediately reached for his sword, only to find it was missing.</p>
<p>"What are you all doing here?" he hissed, glaring at them. "Where's my sword?"</p>
<p>"What sword?" Deceit laughed, taking a step toward him. "There's no reason to be afraid, Roman, we just wanted to say hello." Roman scowled.</p>
<p>"I doubt that."</p>
<p>"Of course you do!" Hatred hissed, suddenly right in front of Roman, face so close Roman could feel his breath. "You think you know everything, don't you? You're too proud to see what a complete idiot you are!"</p>
<p>"He's right." Deceit chuckled, grinning. Roman glimpsed his pointed teeth and stepped back, but Envy was in the way. "But one thing you do know is that everyone would be better off without you... especially Thomas."</p>
<p>"That's not true!" Roman said, trying to get enough energy to teleport into the mind palace. Then Envy wrapped a hand around the back of Roman's neck, and Roman gasped as he felt his powers vanish. He pulled out of Envy's grip and rubbed his neck, panicking slightly. "What did you do?"</p>
<p>"Nothing." Deceit chuckled, putting an arm around Roman's shoulders. "We just wanted you to leave immediately." Roman scowled. Suddenly, Hatred slammed a fist into his stomach and without his powers, Roman felt the pain immediately, harsher than he would have. He doubled over, coughing.</p>
<p>"You're pathetic!" Hatred snarled. "You can't do anything, even the other light sides think you're useless."</p>
<p>"N-no..." Roman grit out, standing straight again. "They don't."</p>
<p>"Don't they?" Deceit asked, putting his face right against Roman's. "They've never even called you by your role, have they? You're just fanciful, a phony prince, a hopeless Romantic. You aren't creativity to them, are you?"</p>
<p>"Get off me!" Roman said shrilly, shoving Deceit away.</p>
<p>"They know who you were." Deceit hissed gleefully. "They know you don't belong!"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman's throat tightened fearfully.</p>
<p>"They know..." Deceit whispered, already next to him again. "They know you are nothing but stubborn Pride, and you know it too."</p>
<p>And then they vanished. Roman sank to his knees, heart pounding.</p>
<p>They knew. How could they know? It had been years, over a decade, since he'd been a dark side called Pride. He'd changed, so much. Fueling that energy into something different, he wasn't like that anymore.</p>
<p>But maybe they didn't know that. When was the last time they called him Creativity? It must be over a year, maybe two. When was the last time one of them took him seriously? They knew. Of course, they knew. Roman pressed a hand over his mouth and stumbled to his feet. He hurried the rest of the way to the mind palace and entered, glancing around warily. Patton was in the kitchen. Logan and Virgil on the couch watching a documentary about the ocean.</p>
<p>"Hey, Princey!" Virgil said, noticing him. The nickname felt like a blow from Hatred again, and Roman didn't reply. Instead, he hurried toward the stairs, toward his room. "Prince?" he held back a sob, keeping his mouth shut. "Roman!"</p>
<p>Roman closed the door to his room and sank against it, tears welling up in his eyes. Why did he keep that stupid nickname from when he was Pride? He just liked pretending to be royalty, that's how he worked. It wasn't Pride anymore, it couldn't be. But still, he trapped himself inside his past.</p>
<p>He hated it. He hated all of it. But he couldn't run from it, all he could do was distract himself. And there was one way Roman knew to distract himself very well. Roman stumbled to his bathroom and pulled out a drawer. Inside lay his knife. The one object he'd brought with him from the dark side of the mind. Roman bit his lip and rolled up a sleeve, then grabbed the knife. He hated it, but he pressed the blade to his wrist anyway.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Something's wrong with Prince," Virgil said, standing as soon as Roman's door slammed. Logan frowned but switched off the television anyway.</p>
<p>"Are you sure?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Virgil left his phone on the couch and went to the kitchen. "Patt?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, kiddo?" Patton beamed at him.</p>
<p>"I think something's wrong with Prince." He said, looking worriedly toward the stairs. "Uh... can you come with me? To talk to him? He seemed really upset about something..." Patton smiled fondly, wiping off his hands on a towel.</p>
<p>"Sure!" he chuckled, walking before Virgil to the stairs. "I hope he's okay..."</p>
<p>"Me too," Virgil mumbled. Patton knocked on the door.</p>
<p>"Roman? You okay buddy?" Silence. Patton frowned. "Roman?"</p>
<p>"I-I'm perfectly fine," Roman said, though they could both tell he was lying. Patton tried the handle. It was locked.</p>
<p>"Buddy, why don't you come on out and watch TV with us?" Patton asked as Logan joined them. "We could watch Disney...?"</p>
<p>"N-no, I'm rather tired... Patton..." Roman replied weakly. Virgil scowled and pounded on the door.</p>
<p>"Listen Princey, we can all tell you aren't fine!" he yelled. "Now come on out before I break down your-"</p>
<p>"Virgil!" Patton scowled. "Be nice!"</p>
<p>"Virgil may be right," Logan said softly. "I may not know much about emotions, but it seems that Roman is experiencing very strong ones." Patton frowned uneasily.</p>
<p>"Please just go away." Roman's voice was closer to the door now, and Virgil could tell he was holding back tears.</p>
<p>"We're not gonna do that, Roman," Patton said, leaning his forehead on the door. "What happened? How can we help? Please just come out and talk to us." Roman laughed bitterly, and Virgil heard the door unlock.</p>
<p>"You don't want me to, not really..."</p>
<p>"Yes, we do!" Virgil burst out, yanking the door open. He gasped, taking a step back. Roman stood there, the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up, and the front of it was stained as red as his sash. The source of the red were the gashes on his wrists. Roman stared out the doorway at them, a sad smile on his face.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Patton gasped, rushing to him. Roman pushed Patton away, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"I told you to go," he whispered. "I know you don't really want me."</p>
<p>"Roman, of course, we want you!" Patton whispered, grabbing Roman's arms. As he did so, Roman suddenly slumped forward, eyes flickering shut. "ROMAN!"</p>
<hr/>
<p>All Roman could think about as he regained consciousness was the fact that he was still alive. He hated it. Why did they keep him alive? They knew everything, why did they want him? Roman opened his eyes. He was in the middle of a pillow pile in the living room of the mind palace. The others were sprawled around him. Patton was very close to him, and Virgil was on his other side just a bit further away. Logan sat on the couch, head back as he snored.</p>
<p>Roman looked down at himself, now, scowling. He was in sweatpants and a white tank top, with bandages wrapped around his arms from his wrist to the middle of his bicep. He sat up, reaching for the edge of one.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Patton was suddenly awake, grabbing his hand to stop him. "What are you doing?"</p>
<p>"What am I doing?" Roman asked, pulling away. "What are you doing? You hate me!"</p>
<p>"What?" Patton's eyes widened in hurt and Roman felt guilty. "Why would I hate you?"</p>
<p>"Why wouldn't you?" Roman muttered, pulling his knees up to his chest. Patton looked at him, tears welling up in his eyes.</p>
<p>"Roman-"</p>
<p>"Don't lie to me," Roman demanded, closing his eyes. "I know you know everything! You know I'm from the darkscape! You know everything about me!"</p>
<p>"You- what?" Patton asked in shock. "What are you talking about?"</p>
<p>"Princey...?" Virgil asked tiredly, waking up as well. Roman winced, burying his face in his arms. "What the- what's going on?"</p>
<p>"I don't know!" Patton said, hugging Roman gently. Roman shoved him away. "What are you talking about, Roman? You... you <em>created</em> the mind palace."</p>
<p>"I thought you knew..." Roman whispered. He messed up. He told them and they didn't already know. Of course, they didn't know. Deceit said they did, and of course, Roman believed him. He was so stupid!</p>
<p>"What did you think we knew?" Virgil asked, confused. Roman said nothing. "Princey?"</p>
<p>"Don't call me that!" Roman burst out, head flying up. "Don't call me that again, I-" he choked back a sob.</p>
<p>"I... okay." Virgil held up his hands. Now Logan was stirring, and Roman wished he could disappear into nothingness. But he still didn't have his powers back from Envy.</p>
<p>"Roman, what did you mean about the darkscape?" Patton asked. Roman sighed, closing his eyes.</p>
<p>"Did- did <em>they</em> do something to you?" Virgil asked, voice immediately deeper and angrier than before. Roman laughed bitterly.</p>
<p>"Yeah, but I deserved it."</p>
<p>"I doubt that." Logan moved to sit beside them. "Roman, was Patton referring to your old form when he mentioned the darkscape?" Roman's eyes widened and he turned to Logan.</p>
<p>"Y-you did know!"</p>
<p>"Of course." Logan adjusted his glasses.</p>
<p>"Know what?" Virgil asked, still confused. Logan frowned, looking at him and Patton.</p>
<p>"Before he was creativity, Roman was a dark side," he said matter of factly. "Pride."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Beep boop Part Two coming 'soon'</p>
<p>Hope you enjoyed!</p>
<p>love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Pride: Part Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally Posted January 13, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: self-deprecation, Pride!Roman (mentioned)</p>
<p>Logan helps to clear some things up.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"When Thomas was young, his personality was less defined. And he wasn't as mature as he is now. I was simply curiosity," Logan adjusted his glasses. "One of the first light sides, along with you, Patton, in your earliest form of Thomas's role models. Young children often see themselves as better than everyone else, and Roman was that part of him. His name wasn't Roman, then, of course. Instead of him in the mindscape, there was imagination. Not very defined, quite wild, and very annoying."</p>
<p>Roman said nothing, just hugged his legs closer to his chest.</p>
<p>"At one point, I think when Thomas was very young, maybe six or seven, Pride - then known as The Prince - had what can only be described as a temper tantrum."</p>
<p>At this, Roman snorted and rolled his eyes. Logan glanced at him, trying his best to hide a smile as well.</p>
<p>"In the process of Thomas growing - learning humility - imagination and Pride were both destroyed. However, seeing as Pride was more defined and had already given himself the form of a side, parts of what he brought Thomas remained and fused to the last of imagination. So, now we have creativity. Thomas is more humble, and he can funnel his ideas and energy into actual products - that he feels proud of." Logan shrugged. "It happens to everyone, we just happen to have more of personalities than most, thanks to Thomas's endeavors."</p>
<p>"Wow..." Virgil cleared his throat a bit. "Roman, did you really think we'd hate you?" Roman's head came up in surprise.</p>
<p>"You <em>don't</em>?" he gasped.</p>
<p>"Of course not, kiddo!" Patton shook his head, hugging Roman gently. "It doesn't matter what you were when Thomas was, what, five? Everything's evolved so much since then! We're all really important, you know."</p>
<p>"But..." Roman shook his head. "I don't know what to think..."</p>
<p>"Your first mistake was trying to think," Virgil chuckled. "That's Logan's job." Logan chuckled.</p>
<p>"I must apologize, Roman, it didn't occur to me that you really remembered, or cared to. And I thought it would be useless to tell Virgil and Patton something so far in the past..." Roman nodded. That made sense now that he heard it, why did he think otherwise? It had been so many years ago - before Thomas was even really himself.</p>
<p>"You were right, Logan." Roman sighed heavily, rubbing the bandage on his arm. "Just me... believing Deceit. The guy who only lies. As usual."</p>
<p>"Aw, c'mon kiddo!" Patton hugged him again, and Roman smiled. "That's not your fault, besides. From what you told us, you already believed it. You just didn't want to hear it from someone else, right?"</p>
<p>"I believed that you hated me," Roman muttered unhappily. "How could I believe you <em>hated</em> me?"</p>
<p>"That's how insecurities work," Virgil said, rolling his eyes. Roman scoffed.</p>
<p>"I'm not insecure."</p>
<p>"Really?" Patton laughed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"Okay, maybe I'm a bit insecure," Roman sighed, smiling sadly. "Are you happy now?" Patton hummed, cuddling Roman closer to him. Roman gladly melted into the touch, closing his eyes.</p>
<p>"Not completely," Patton admitted. "I'm still worried about you." Roman failed to disguise the disbelieving noise before making it.</p>
<p>"We are all worried," Logan agreed, settling in on Roman's other side. Virgil laughed and leaned on Patton's other side.</p>
<p>"Yeah, sorry Romano," he teased. Roman rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but smile. "Guess you're stuck with us for now."</p>
<p>"What a shame," Roman said sarcastically. In honesty, though, he'd be quite happy to never leave that spot again if they were all there with him. They were right, Deceit was wrong. Besides, a little pride never hurt anyone, right?</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So yeah. Kinda short, sorry. I am working on a new one-shot right now though so that could be up this week! &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Ramona</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted February 8, 2019</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Warnings: dysphoria, coming out, fear of coming out, food mentions, TransFem!Roman, </p>
<p>Ramona has something to say - but will she be able to without completely breaking down?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman knew exactly what the 'problem' was. It wasn't really a problem, perse unless it was. Of course, he knew what it was, he'd - well, She'd - known since she first found out it was possible. But how does one tell their best friends - best friends they've known for YEARS - that they aren't the gender they always claimed to be? How could she tell her best friends that she was, in fact, a 'she' after all? That terrified her, more than she'd like to admit.</p>
<p>But... she wanted to. Oh, she wanted to so badly. She spent hours every day looking at lists of names. Feminine ones. Ones that were similar to her birth name, ones that were completely different, hundreds. Maybe even thousands, but she always came back to one of the first ones she'd found. It was similar, but... she liked it. It was actually a name from a book she'd loved as a child before she even knew that 'transgender' was a thing.</p>
<p>Every moment she was at school, with her friends, her parents, it felt wrong. They didn't know who she was, not really. She was the same person, the same... 'Roman' just... not. She was Ramona. But she had the same personality, she was the same person but would they see that? What if they didn't? It was all too possible they'd hate her if they found out.</p>
<p>So, for years, they hadn't.</p>
<p>Now, they'd graduated. They were all planning on going to the community college nearby or in Virgil's case the art tech school across town and renting together. She was not going to be able to keep it from them for long, but what was she supposed to do? Just tell them? Start transitioning with no warning whatsoever? She had skirts, and dresses, and makeup and... when she was alone in front of the mirror and tried... she looked pretty. She looked female and she felt comfortable.</p>
<p>But would they understand? Probably not.</p>
<p>Ramona stared at the mirror a moment longer, then closed her eyes and splashed water on her face, scrubbing the makeup away. Then she turned, not looking back, and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. Ramona stayed in the mirror, and Roman left the house. They had all made plans to go to Patton's today for a movie day, and her mind was screaming at her to tell them. Just do it. Tell them now, now! Before she lived with them and could get completely rejected. Leaving time to make separate plans. Do it now.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Patton beamed when he opened the door, and Roman smiled thinly. She felt sick, shaking and sweaty. Patton pulled her in, then frowned. "Do you feel alright? You look pale!"</p>
<p>"Oh, I'm fine..." Roman said softly, shaking her head. "Are Virge and Logan here yet?"</p>
<p>"Virgil's on the couch, Logan's on his way!" Patton said cheerfully. "Come on and sit down though... I still don't think you look very well." Roman smiled sadly. She wasn't sick, just nervous. Was she really going to just... do this? Who knows how they'd react?</p>
<p>Virgil was on his phone and barely acknowledged when Roman sat down. Of course not, that's just how Virgil was. Roman smiled a bit, silently begging Logan to get here so she could get this over with faster.</p>
<p>After five minutes of silence, filled a bit by Patton's chattering as he walked around, Logan arrived. They started talking about what movie to watch, but Roman didn't say anything. She couldn't. She was so nervous, she couldn't do this. She couldn't tell them today. She'd just have to wait and pretend to be a man again, maybe forever. She couldn't lose her best friends.</p>
<p>"Roman? Roman! You in there buddy?" Roman shook her head in surprise, looking up at Virgil who had moved closer. "You don't look so good." Roman glanced around. Patton and Logan were gone, she could hear them talking in the kitchen. They must be getting snacks. "What's wrong?"</p>
<p>Before she could stop herself, she spoke.</p>
<p>"I'm transgender."</p>
<p>No, no! Why did she do that? Ramona stared anxiously at Virgil, who just sat there staring at her. She buried her face in her hands, shaking her head.</p>
<p>"God- what- why did I... Virgil please don't hate me, I-"</p>
<p>"I don't hate you." Virgil scoffed. Ramona pulled her head up in surprise.</p>
<p>"You don't?"</p>
<p>"Of course not." Virgil rolled his eyes. "I'm glad you told me, though." He didn't hate her. Ramona grinned giddily.</p>
<p>"Really? You honest to goodness don't care?"</p>
<p>"'Course not." Virgil leaned back on the couch. "What do you want me to call you, then? I'm guessing Roman's not right?"</p>
<p>"I..." Ramona took a shaky breath. "Ramona... like... from that kid's book y'know?"</p>
<p>"Yep." Virgil tilted his head, looking at her. Ramona frowned.</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"You seem less nervous. And there was Patton, thinking you were sick." Ramona bit her lip. She still had to tell Logan and Patton! God, this was not a good day. "I'll help you, alright? And honestly, they don't care either. You know that right?"</p>
<p>"But... all this time..." Ramona shrugged. "I thought..."</p>
<p>"Dude-" Virgil paused. "Uh... do you not want me to call you dude anymore? I mean, I use it for everyone but if you want-"</p>
<p>"That's okay," Ramona chuckled. "It's kind of become gender-neutral in that way for everyone."</p>
<p>"Okay." Virgil laughed. "Dude, we could never hate you. Like... if you told me you were sexually attracted to rocks, I wouldn't hate you. I'd worry for you, but I wouldn't hate you. Catch my drift?"</p>
<p>"What are you two talking about?" Logan asked. Ramona jumped in surprise. Logan stood behind the couch with a slightly disgusted look on his face. "Who's sexually attracted to-"</p>
<p>"No one," Virgil said, holding back laughter. "It was... an example."</p>
<p>"Oh, alright then."</p>
<p>"I've got snacks!" Patton declared, walking in with a bowl of popcorn. "You guys ready for some Big Hero 6 action?" Virgil glanced at her, and Ramona cleared her throat nervously.</p>
<p>"Uh... actually," she bit her lip but Virgil smiled. "I wanted to talk to you guys about something..."</p>
<p>"Ooh! Sounds important!" Patton plopped onto the floor in front of the couch, putting the popcorn between them. Logan joined him and Ramona sighed, twisting her t-shirt around in her fingers.</p>
<p>"Uh... kinda..." She sighed and closed her eyes. She could do this. She already had. And now, it didn't seem as terrifying. "I... I'm transgender."</p>
<p>"Oh!" Patton said, then fell silent. Ramona opened her eyes anxiously. Just like Virgil, he was just kind of looking at her. Logan seemed unimpressed.</p>
<p>"You were nervous about that?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, of course, she was." Virgil snorted. "Because she's super freaking insecure!"</p>
<p>"I am not...!" Ramona protested weakly, but couldn't help but smile. "Y-you really don't care?"</p>
<p>"Of course not!" Patton jumped up and smothered her in a hug. Ramona gasped, laughing. "I'm so proud of you, kiddo!" Virgil laughed, and Ramona felt tears sting her eyes. They didn't hate her, they didn't hate her!</p>
<p>"Well, I don't think we can have a movie day now," Logan said as he got up. They all looked at him.</p>
<p>"Why not?" Ramona asked, immediately anxious again.</p>
<p>"We need to go shopping," Logan said, pulling her to her feet. Ramona stared at him.</p>
<p>"You hate shopping!"</p>
<p>"Well, you love it." Logan scoffed. "And you're going to need a lot of new clothes."</p>
<p>"God..." Ramona hugged Logan tightly. "I freakin' love you guys!"</p>
<p>"We love you too." Patton chuckled.</p>
<p>"Oh yeah... my name's Ramona..." Ramona added as they headed to the door.</p>
<p>"I love it!" Patton gasped, hugging her again. "I really am so proud of you, kiddo!"</p>
<p>Ramona didn't stop smiling for the rest of that day, and quite possibly the next. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Beep boop there ya go</p>
<p>Hope you enjoyed! I'll post again someday... 0-0 actually working on a pretty long one right now but we'll see.</p>
<p>Love you all!</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Bad Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted March 11, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: food mentions, self-deprecation, mentions of medication, slight dissociation</p>
<p>I projected onto Roman abt my ADHD and he was unhappy lol</p>
<p>There IS a happy ending, tho!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman groaned, rubbing his eyes tiredly. What? He could have sworn his alarm went off hours ago... He groaned and rolled over, searching for his phone. It had managed to fell off the charger and under the nightstand. He flipped it over and squinted to turn it on. Then he groaned again when he saw what time it was. How had he slept in so late? And why was he too tired to care?</p>
<p>He sat up, rubbing his eyes again. His bed seemed so soft, and he was tired enough that he could just fall right back asleep and sleep for the rest of the day. But he couldn't do that, could he? He was already half an hour late for his first class, and he needed to eat, and get dressed, and shower, and... Roman flopped back down onto his pillow and sighed. Being awake sounded too hard.</p>
<p>He was just drifting off yet again when the phone - still on the floor - started to ring. Roman yelped, nearly falling off the bed in his attempt to pick it up. It was Patton, but just before he answered the phone stopped ringing. Roman scowled when his phone reported that, as usual, his crappily placed room had no signal.</p>
<p>"Fine..." Roman yawned, letting himself tumble onto the floor. "I'm up..." bless Patton's heart. He had the same class as Roman did today, must have gotten worried. He'd be calling back.</p>
<p>In the meantime, Roman dragged himself to his feet. He might as well get dressed, so he can tell Patton he was at least planning to do <em>something</em> today. Roman peered tiredly into his mirror, then ran a hand through his hair. He didn't need a shower, it wasn't that dirty. He yawned again and pulled on the first T-shirt in his drawer, then a pair of jeans from the floor. He nearly forgot to take off his pajama bottoms first and sighed in annoyance when he realized.</p>
<p>It's not like this is the first time Roman's had a day like this. It's been a while, but he knows how it usually ends. He probably won't go to any classes today - he won't be able to focus anyway even with his medication. Roman scowled, then rubbed his eyes again. Oh yeah, he should take that. If he took it too late in the day he'd be up all night, and he didn't need that after a sleep like that.</p>
<p>Though... Roman stared grumpily toward the clock on his wall. Maybe he shouldn't, today. It was already later than he usually took it, and he wouldn't need to focus if he didn't go anywhere. That, and he'd run out of the prescription one day later than he'd been planning, so he'd be sure to get a new one before he did. And it'd be nice to have a day where he didn't get nauseous from any strong smell...</p>
<p>Roman yawned and ran a hand through his hair, not bothering to comb it flat again. It was settled, then, he'd just have a lazy, medication-free day. He could watch TV or read, or work on a project he'd been planning. Roman smiled, still exhausted, and grabbed his phone before shuffling out to the kitchen.</p>
<p>Patton still hadn't called back, Roman noticed suddenly. He looked down at the phone in his hand, which now in the kitchen showed a few bars of service. He'd probably call soon. Roman should get something to eat.</p>
<p>Despite the numerous breakfast food choices in Roman's small kitchen, he only grabbed a container of leftover pasta and pulled off the lid to microwave it. A lazy day meant he didn't have to cook, right? Besides, this was Patton's 'famous' alfredo. The best alfredo Roman had ever had.</p>
<p>Roman lazily watched the microwave rotate, then frowned at the phone on the counter in front of him. Patton usually called back immediately, right? Especially if he was the one to call. He would always call at least twice.</p>
<p>Or, maybe he'd just given up.</p>
<p>The thought made Roman surprisingly depressed as he pulled the pasta out of the microwave. He sighed sadly and grabbed a fork, but left the phone in the kitchen as he trudged to the couch. Once there, he buried himself in blankets and turned on a Disney movie before starting to eat.</p>
<p>God, he really was pathetic, wasn't he? Roman stared unhappily down at his pasta. He woke up late and had to skip an entire day. Should he just drop out of high school? Maybe. It'd be simpler to just get a full-time job and suffer without his degree.</p>
<p>Roman shook his head and stuffed a bite of alfredo pasta into his mouth. He wasn't supposed to think like that. They were supposed to have had this figured out in high school. ADHD gave him some depression symptoms, which was why he had his medication. Tomorrow, or maybe later today, he'd know that was ridiculous. He sighed again, feeling the deep melancholy sink into his chest.</p>
<p>Unless he was right, and all of this was for nothing.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I'm going to his apartment after class," Patton said to Virgil. Thank goodness they were just working on a project and could talk. "He didn't answer twice, so I'm just gonna check on him myself."</p>
<p>"What about your Science class?"</p>
<p>"I have an A," Patton shrugged unhappily. "And... I haven't missed any yet, which I was happy about. But Roman's more important."</p>
<p>"I'll come with," Virgil decided. "I don't have another class until after lunch anyway." Patton smiled, nodding.</p>
<p>"Okey-dokey! I'm sure he's okay, probably just sick or something. You know Roman doesn't go out unless he thinks he's 100%."</p>
<p>"Unless he thinks he looks 100%." Virgil corrected with a smirk. "He'll come to class with walking pneumonia if he still looks like a Disney prince." Patton giggled.</p>
<p>"Yeah, maybe he's just having a bad hair day." he agreed, feeling better. "We'll just pop in on him quickly and maybe I'll still make it to science on time." Virgil nodded and they both turned back to the project, Patton feeling much happier about his friend.</p>
<p>Half an hour later, the two were standing in front of Roman's door.</p>
<p>"Hey, Roman?" Patton knocked. "You in there, buddy?" No answer. Virgil scowled and pressed his ear against the door.</p>
<p>"Disney," he reported, then pounded harder on the door. "Roman!" Still no answer.</p>
<p>Worry slammed back into Patton's mind and he started digging through his backpack, finally locating an extra key. He pulled it out and Virgil frowned.</p>
<p>"Is that a key to his apartment?"</p>
<p>"He gave it to me months ago," Patton shrugged as he wiped it off. "He said 'just in case' but I have no idea what that meant."</p>
<p>"Hm." Virgil stepped back as Patton unlocked the door and opened it, stepping inside. What he saw was surprising, not to mention worrying.</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>Their friend sat in a pile of blankets next to the couch, positioned like he'd fallen off the couch at some point. He stared at the ceiling, not seeming to notice they were there. Patton glanced at Virgil, who was scowling harder than ever.</p>
<p>"Roman, you okay?"</p>
<p>"Hm?" Roman turned his head to look at them. "Oh... hey guys..."</p>
<p>"What the hell?" Virgil pushed past Patton and reached to grab Roman's arm. Roman sighed, letting himself be pulled into a sitting position. "Dude, what happened?"</p>
<p>"I-I'm just... uh, having a lazy day," Roman mumbled. "Y'know..."</p>
<p>Patton looked around, spotting an empty container and fork on the couch. Virgil grabbed the remote and turned off the TV, Roman didn't say anything, just leaned back and rested his head on the couch, looking up at the ceiling again.</p>
<p>"Roman, are you okay?" Patton sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Roman shrugged.</p>
<p>"I'm calling Logan." Virgil decided, pulling out his phone. Roman protested slightly at the sound of his boyfriends' name but gave up almost immediately. Virgil walked to the kitchen with the phone, and Patton turned to look at Roman.</p>
<p>"Seriously, Ro, what's going on?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman's eyes suddenly filled with tears. "I don't know."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Logan pulled out his phone, surprised to see Virgil's number. He answered immediately, looking around the near-empty bus.</p>
<p>"Virgil? Don't you have a class now?"</p>
<p>"Ended fifteen minutes ago," Virgil said quickly. "But listen, I'm calling about Roman."</p>
<p>"Roman?" Logan smiled fondly. "What about him?"</p>
<p>"I don't know. He's acting really weird and lethargic, almost sad, and-"</p>
<p>"Lethargic?" Logan stood up as he approached the stop. Oh no. Of course, the day he was coming to surprise his boyfriend with a visit he was having one of <em>those </em>days. He hadn't had one for at least a month and a half now.</p>
<p>"Yeah, do you know anything about this?"</p>
<p>"Has he taken his medication?" Logan asked worriedly, pulling his bag up over his shoulder.</p>
<p>"What medication?" Virgil asked. Logan sighed, shaking his head. Of course, his prideful boyfriend hadn't told them. Even though Logan lived two hours away, he still kept it a secret from his best friends.</p>
<p>"I'm coming." Logan finally said.</p>
<p>"Wh- you're two hours away, and-"</p>
<p>"I'm entering his building." Logan chuckled sadly. "I had a few days off of school and wanted to surprise Roman. I'll be there in like, sixty seconds. Is he okay?"</p>
<p>"Uh-" Logan heard a few background sounds from the phone. "Shit. He's kinda... crying. Thank god for Patton, I'm so awkward, I-"</p>
<p>"I'll be there in a minute." Logan hung up and sprinted up the stairs, skipping the elevator. He didn't have time for the elevator. God, Roman better have taken his medication.</p>
<p>The door was still part way open when Logan burst through, eyes skimming around. Patton was holding a sobbing Roman in his arms, surrounded by all of Roman's blankets and an empty Tupperware container. Virgil was standing awkwardly by the kitchen doorway and seemed incredibly relieved to see Logan enter.</p>
<p>"Roman." Logan knelt next to his boyfriend and gently touched his shoulder.</p>
<p>"Lo-" Roman didn't finish speaking before he turned to hug Logan tightly, trying to stop crying. "H-how... why?"</p>
<p>"I was going to surprise you," Logan said gently, hugging his boyfriend tightly. "Roman, what's going on?" Roman shrugged, burying his face in Logan's chest. Logan sighed. He was going to have to be... less than gentle. Just for a moment. "Get up." he sighed, pulling them both to their feet. Roman stumbled, but stepped back and rubbed his eyes.</p>
<p>"I... I didn't know you were coming, I..." Roman looked sadly around the room. "Um..."</p>
<p>"Where's your medication?" Logan asked, raising an eyebrow. "Did you take it?"</p>
<p>"Well..." Roman smiled sheepishly, but Logan could see it was faked.</p>
<p>"Roman..." Logan rubbed his eyes. "You have to take your medication!"</p>
<p>"Well it's too late now," Roman flopped onto the couch and sighed. Logan frowned.</p>
<p>"Good to see you, Logan!" Patton forced himself to sound cheerful.</p>
<p>"Er-" Logan glanced up. Virgil seemed anxious to have something to do. "Virgil, do you think you could bring all these blankets to the bedroom?"</p>
<p>"Yeah." Virgil hurried to gather the blankets, Logan sat down and pulled Roman into a hug. Roman immediately responded, cuddling into him.</p>
<p>"Patton, if you'd go to the bathroom and find Roman's medication in the cabinet, and bring us a glass of water?"</p>
<p>"Sure thing!" Patton was gone in a heartbeat, leaving Logan and Roman alone in the living room. Logan sighed, running his fingers through Roman's hair. He wasn't much for physical touch, but Roman was. And he'd obviously had a bad day.</p>
<p>"M sorry," Roman mumbled into Logan's shoulder.</p>
<p>"You have nothing to be sorry for," Logan stated. "You know this is something you've always struggled with."</p>
<p>"M stupid," Roman said. Logan frowned, pushing him back to look him in the eye. Roman bit his lip, tears in his eyes again.</p>
<p>"You are not stupid," Logan said irritably. Roman frowned. "You've done stupid things, but that doesn't make you stupid. But you know you need to take your medication."</p>
<p>"I felt like crap when I woke up..." Roman mumbled. "Might as well save it for tomorrow..."</p>
<p>"No, you know that's not right." Logan sighed. "Nevermind. You'll take it now, and then it'll be fine."</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"It's okay that you'll stay up late tonight because we're going to a movie." Logan decided, wiping tears off of his face. Patton walked in with the bottle of medication and a glass of water. Roman sighed and accepted it, downing the tablet with a swig of water.</p>
<p>"Sorry, Patt," he sighed and looked at the clock. "You're missing your class, and-"</p>
<p>"It's alright!" Patton promised.</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"Shut it, Princey," Virgil came in and leaned on the back of the couch. "You could've just told us you were having a bad day."</p>
<p>"And now we know," Patton said softly. "So it'll be all good."</p>
<p>"Thanks." Roman sighed and leaned back onto Logan's shoulder. Logan wrapped a protective arm around him and smiled gently, combing his fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>Logan glanced toward the door, where he'd dropped his backpack after entering. There was a more important surprise than just visiting, but he figured that could wait until after the movie. Or perhaps tomorrow. Either way, he wouldn't have to leave his boyfriend for long after this visit.</p>
<p>He just hoped Roman liked the ring.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I told you there was a happy ending ;)</p>
<p>Also!! I know I haven't updated on here very consistently and I apologize, but I do have some writing on my Tumblr you could check out if you wanted some more!</p>
<p>My Tumblr can be found @cobythinks or </p>
<p>This Link&gt; https://cobythinks.tumblr.com/</p>
<p>and feel free to check out my Twitter and Youtube Channel if you like! Twitter is again, @cobythinks and my youtube channel is called, you guessed it, Coby Thinks!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Talking Terms: Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted August 7, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: Child abuse, PTSD, selective mutism/traumatic mutism, food mention, panic attack, paranoia, self-hatred, mentions of malnutrition</p>
<p>Human Au where Roman is really not okay tbh but what do you expect</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"No one knows where he came from." The social worker said, glancing toward the one-way mirror.</p>
<p>The workers and parents could see into the playroom where a young boy sat. He had olive skin and dark hair, and he was impossibly skinny with hollowed cheeks and large dark circles under his eyes. Bones jutted out at his joints, and there were faint bruises across his arms and face. He didn't play, just sat and stared at his hands.</p>
<p>"He just showed up at the theater one day," they continued. "Someone called the police and they brought him to us. We have no idea who he is."</p>
<p>"You don't even know his name?" The woman asked softly, staring sadly in at the young boy. They shook their head.</p>
<p>"No, he hasn't said so much as a word since we met him," they explained. "He's six years old and no one knows if he can even talk... he'll be a very hard one."</p>
<p>"Oh, look at him." the woman said, tugging on her husband's arm. "He needs us!"</p>
<p>"Do you know anything?" the man asked, glancing at the social worker.</p>
<p>"Well, we're fairly certain he's six years old. He's physically healthy except the fact that he's malnourished and had a few bumps and bruises when he came in, but those are healing. We're mostly worried about his mental and psychological health. He's met with a therapist twice and we want him to go twice a week after he moves into a home... would that be alright with you?"</p>
<p>"Of course." the man said, glancing at his wife. "We want to help kids in need, that's why we're doing this. We'll need to call him something, though."</p>
<p>"Well, we could always see if he'll talk again." the social worker sighed, then stood. "One moment."</p>
<p>They left and returned moments later leading the young boy by the hand. His dark eyes stared right at the adults and he hesitated at the threshold, but only needed a small tug to follow them in.</p>
<p>"This is Mr. and Mrs. Prince," they said, gently crouching next to the boy. "Can you say hello?"</p>
<p>The boy just stared at them. Then, slowly, he lifted a scrawny hand and gave a small wave. The social workers face lit up.</p>
<p>"These nice people want to take care of you for a little while, do you think that sounds fun?"</p>
<p>He hesitated again, glancing away, before nodding.</p>
<p>"Can you tell us your name?"</p>
<p>No response.</p>
<p>"What's your name?" the worker asked softly, leaning toward him.</p>
<p>The boy bit his lip, digging his teeth into it as he obviously thought hard about something. Then he knelt next to the small table and picked up a crayon. The social worker stared at him in surprise, but they said nothing as he scrawled untidily on the cover of a magazine. He sat back after a few minutes of agonizing work, staring up at the adults triumphantly. The social worker squinted, mouthing out the messy letters. Then they sat back, staring curiously at him.</p>
<p>"Roman." They said. "Your name is Roman?"</p>
<p>He nodded.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman bolted upright, chest heaving. He stared numbly at the blankets twisted around his legs, then slowly looked around. He was in his room. His bedroom. He was fine. The sixteen-year-old sighed miserably and fell back onto his pillows. Details from his nightmare were still in his head like they'd been stuck there and nothing could take them away.</p>
<p>He'd been back in that house. There'd been screaming, and pain, and loud gunshots. Roman rolled over, pressing his face into the pillow. He knew these were memories, he knew it with more certainty than he knew anything else. But he didn't want to. For years, the memories had just been white and black images, stored somewhere back in his brain. Now though, now that he was finally able to speak without shaking in fear and felt safe and had friends. Now, ten years after he'd escaped from that hell-hole, he had to relive it every time he went to sleep.</p>
<p>Roman kicked off the blankets and stood up, glancing at the clock. It was five AM, which was pretty early. But not unreasonably so. He grabbed some clean clothes and went to the bathroom. Once there, he switched on the light and stared at his reflection. He was just him. Same dark hair, dark eyes, same thin figure. He blinked and stepped back when he saw a gaunt figure in his place, bruises across his face and each of his bones poking from his skin. Then he blinked again and it was gone, and it was just him. Roman draped a towel over the mirror before getting undressed and into the shower.</p>
<p>He let the water rush over him for a long time before he actually cleaned himself. He just stood there, head leaned on the tile wall of the shower. It felt nice, soothing. A hot shower was one thing he knew he hadn't had, back there. Once he finally finished and gotten dressed again, Roman was much calmer. But the memories stayed in the back of his head, and he winced as they pressed forward. He just had to focus, focus on the present. He was here, he was safe, and remembering what had happened just proved he was stupid and weak. He'd be fine.</p>
<p>Roman went downstairs at seven, like he always did. He just smiled thinly when his mom said good morning, and she raised an eyebrow. He knew she'd worry, but he couldn't bring himself to talk after that nightmare. He'd been doing so well, especially recently. But after the nightmare... it felt like that man was still around. Closer than ever, listening.</p>
<p>Roman distracted himself with breakfast. That would help calm him more, clear his head. Because he was going to have to talk at school today, or people would ask questions.</p>
<p>Roman hated questions.</p>
<p>"There's Logan," his mom said, ruffling his hair. Roman turned to look out the window and, sure enough, his friends' car had pulled up to the curb. "Have a good day, sweetie." she kissed his temple and Roman smiled.</p>
<p>"Tha-anks, mom." he forced himself to say, heading to the door. "See ya!" He hurried down the steps, waving at Patton in the passenger seat. Then he slid into the car.</p>
<p>"Good morning!" Patton said cheerfully, just like always.</p>
<p>"Hey." Roman half expected someone to glare at him for speaking, and he hated that.</p>
<p>"Are you ready for the math test?" Logan asked as they pulled away. Roman opened his mouth to answer, then realized he wasn't. He'd completely forgotten about the test.</p>
<p>"Uhm...."</p>
<p>"I knew it!" Virgil laughed from next to Roman. "Five bucks, Logan!"</p>
<p>"You bet on me?" Roman pouted.</p>
<p>"I won betting on you," Virgil said. "Which is even better!"</p>
<p>"I told them not to," Patton said, turning around in his seat. "But of course, Virgil never listens to me and Logan found five dollars in the gutter this morning, so he had the extra cash anyway."</p>
<p>"Of course."</p>
<p>"Patton, sit like a human before you get killed," Logan said sourly.</p>
<p>Patton laughed, turning back around and sitting down. Roman grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. He hated feeling so jittery like someone was watching him. Waiting. Was this what Virgil's anxiety was like all the time? Roman side-eyed his best friend curiously. Virgil scrolled through Tumblr with a bored look on his face. Quite a feat with the amount of blood and gore on his dashboard. Roman felt sick and looked away.</p>
<p>They pulled into the parking lot and Roman got out of the car, taking a deep breath. He'd be fine, it was just a stupid nightmare anyway.</p>
<p>"Ready for a new day of learning?" Patton asked cheekily, folding his arms in a bad impression of Logan. Roman grinned, Logan sighed.</p>
<p>"For the last time," he folded his arms. "I don't act like that at all."</p>
<p>"Sure, specs." Virgil laughed, slapping Logan on the back. Roman turned away before they saw his wince. "Keep telling yourself that."<br/>"Race ya!" Patton suddenly rushed past him and Roman grinned, sprinting after him. "Augh, not you Roman! Not you! I meant Logan!"</p>
<p>"Too late!" Roman chuckled, drawing even with his friend. They approached the courtyard and Patton skidded to a halt before he ran into a bench, Roman just jumped over it.</p>
<p>"Hey!"</p>
<p>"So, I win?" Roman grinned back as Patton walked around the bench, laughing.</p>
<p>"Yeah, you win alright!" Patton bounced up and down a bit. "Guys, hurry up already!"</p>
<p>"We're not crazy, unlike you two," Virgil said as he and Logan walked into the courtyard as well. "Did you really just jump over that to win a race?"</p>
<p>"Yes..." Roman trailed off. He hated the sound of his voice.</p>
<p>"Of course you did." Virgil chuckled. "Come on, we can't be late."</p>
<p>"Oh, don't worry so much!" Roman declared boisterously, knowing that's what they expected of him. It was so exhausting to be himself when he didn't feel like himself. At least, not the himself they knew.</p>
<p>The group started toward the doors and Roman was glad when Patton decided to take over the conversation. He took a few deep breaths and shoved his hands in his pockets. He could keep up this face until the nightmare left his mind, and then he wouldn't need to. It would be fine, he was an actor after all.</p>
<p>"Can't be late, see you guys at lunch!" Virgil said once they reached the commons, then dashed toward his art class.</p>
<p>"Farewell, my friends!" Roman said grandly, striking a pose that felt way too extra, but he kept it up anyway. "Until we meet again!"</p>
<p>"Okay, drama queen." Patton giggled. "C'mon Logan, History!" the two ran off and Roman chuckled, turning toward the drama department. See, he could do this. It would be easy.</p>
<p>At least he hoped it would be easy.</p>
<hr/>
<p>By the end of the third period, Roman was feeling better. He joked with Patton all the way from English to the cafeteria, and then they started talking about Disney. One of his favorite topics. They chattered all the way to the lunch table, where Logan was reading and Virgil was picking at his lunch.</p>
<p>"I still don't see why you like The Fox and the Hound more than Aladdin." Roman sighed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"Animals!"</p>
<p>"There are animals in Aladdin!" Roman whined. "Abu, who is basically all the animals, Raja, The genie's a goat sometimes, Iago, the lion cave, and-"</p>
<p>"I know, I know, I just like ones <em>about</em> animals." Patton giggled. "They're so cute!"</p>
<p>"I mean, you're right." Roman sighed. "But Aladdin is just... better! I don't see why you don't love it!"</p>
<p>"I do! I just love Fox and the Hound more." Patton shrugged.</p>
<p>"But- In Aladdin- I mean, there's singing! There's magic! There's a prince! There's an evil villain, it's the best-"</p>
<p>"Oh my god." Virgil interrupted him in annoyance. "Roman, for once in your life could you please <em>shut up</em>!" Roman froze, hands falling to the table in front of him.</p>
<p>"Aw, Virge, he didn't mean to..." Roman stared at the table, feeling his pulse quicken. Not here not here not here please not here! He slowly closed his gaping mouth, trying to breathe through just his nose.</p>
<p>The cafeteria faded from his vision and Roman found himself back in that house, pressed against the basement wall as the man stood over him, a finger pointing accusingly into his chest.</p>
<p>
  <em>Shut up</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Shut up</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Shut up</em>
</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>Roman blinked, vision clearing. Logan was staring at him, while Patton and Virgil continued to bicker.</p>
<p>"Roman, are you alright?"</p>
<p>"I-" Roman's throat felt dry as he tried to speak. But he had to. "I-I need to- I need to go." he got up abruptly and left, searching for the nearest bathroom.</p>
<p>"Roman!"</p>
<p>He ignored the calls and darted into the bathroom, closing the stall with shaking hands before leaning against the door.</p>
<p>
  <em>Shut up</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Shut up</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Shut up</em>
</p>
<p>Roman sank to the floor, terror gripping his mind. They were going to find him, they were going to find him and kill him. He'd spoken way too much since he left- and he was going to pay for it. He was going to die! Roman clamped his eyes shut, breathing deeply through his nose.</p>
<p>The man stood in front of him again, eyes shadowed so Roman couldn't see him clearly. Roman pressed his back against the wall, trying to sink through it even though it was impossible.</p>
<p>
  <em>Shut the hell up before I make you</em>
</p>
<p>A ringing slap made his face burn and Roman gasped, then bit his lip to avoid making noise. The man spat in his face before turning and storming out, locking the room behind him. Roman bit his lip and wiped off the spit, then waited until he heard footsteps above him to cross the room. He sank to his knees in front of the old television set and pressed the VHS tape into the player. Within moments, he was taken to another world.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Roman gasped, eyes flying open. Someone was gripping his shoulder tightly and terror flooded his senses.</p>
<p>
  <em>Get out. Get the hell out before they hit you.</em>
</p>
<p>Roman shoved them away, hearing an almost animalistic snarl from his own lips. His voice died in his throat at he stared miserably at the person before him. Patton stared right back, eyes wide and full of tears.</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>
  <em>Shit</em>
</p>
<p>"Roman, what the hell!" Virgil pulled Roman roughly to his feet. "Patton was just trying to help!" he was gripping the front of Roman's jacket tightly, and Roman knew he was mad. He clamped his mouth shut in an attempt to not make any noise.</p>
<p>"Virgil, don't be upset!" Patton begged, on his feet as well. "I-I surprised him, or something!"</p>
<p>"Virgil, let go of him." Logan's suddenly calm voice soothed Roman's mind and he looked over, staring almost pleadingly at his friend. "<em>Now</em>."</p>
<p>"Okay, Geez." Virgil let go of him. "I...I overreacted. I'm sorry." Roman didn't acknowledge his apology, he was still too filled with fear to speak. Which was stupid, they were friends, but... it was just stupid.</p>
<p>"Roman?" Logan turned to him, eyes full of concern. "What happened?"</p>
<p>Roman shook his head. He couldn't just tell them. He'd never told anyone, ever! Even his caseworkers and parents thought he'd just been abandoned. No one knew what happened that night, and he sure as hell wasn't going to tell now, after ten years of keeping it in.</p>
<p>"Roman?" Patton gave him puppy dog eyes. "Please talk to us, at least!"</p>
<p>"I-I can't..." Roman choked out, turning to leave the bathroom. "I can't tell you."</p>
<p>"What do you-" Roman darted out of the bathroom before Virgil finished his question. He found his backpack at the lunch table, abandoned with the others, and grabbed it. Then Roman hurried out of the school, feeling the same adrenaline he'd felt the night he got out of that house.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman walked in the door at three o' five, almost exactly when Logan would usually drop him off. He'd been walking and took a few detours. No one had to know he skipped his afternoon classes. No one but all his friends, that is. Roman grimaced but went directly to his bedroom and pulled out his phone. He turned it to the Disney playlist he had and started blasting it through his Bluetooth speaker. As usual, the music was calming.</p>
<p>"Roman?" He looked up from a blank notebook half an hour later when his mom popped her head in. At the look on her face, he sighed and paused the music. "Roman, sweetie, are you okay? Logan called and said you left school early." Roman nodded hesitantly. "You're okay?" he nodded again. She frowned, sitting on the side of his bed and patting the mattress. Roman joined her, staring at his hands.</p>
<p>"Baby, what's going on? You haven't had a quiet day for a while now..." She hugged him with one arm. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" What the hell did she think non-verbal meant? Roman shook his head quickly. She sighed, running a hand through his dark hair.</p>
<p>"You were always really smart, you know." She chuckled. "The first day I met you, you wrote your own name with perfect spelling."</p>
<p>Roman knew that - of course he did. He remembered everything about that day, it was the first of a lot of good days.</p>
<p>"And even though, well, even though no one knew where you came from, and even though you hadn't gone to school, you could read so well!"</p>
<p>Roman pulled away from her and scowled accusingly. She pouted slightly.</p>
<p>"Roman, I'm just... I just want you to know how special you are. You're my favorite Roman, no matter what."</p>
<p>Roman smiled softly and nodded. She sighed, brushing his hair back again.</p>
<p>"Ryan'll be home soon, do you want to talk to him about it?"</p>
<p>Roman hesitated, then shook his head. He just didn't want to talk.</p>
<p>"Hmm." She stood, ruffling his hair. "Well, I'm making pasta for dinner so when you get hungry come on down okay?" He nodded again, and she left.</p>
<p>Roman collapsed back onto his pillows and picked up his phone. Fifty notifications, all texts from his friends. It buzzed in his hand and he sighed. Fifty-one. He tossed his phone to the base of his bed and rolled over, staring blankly at the wall. A pan dropped downstairs and he winced at the incredibly loud noise. It sounded very close to a gunshot. Roman grabbed a pillow and pressed it over his ear, the other burrowing into the mattress. He just wanted to forget everything. Instead, new memories came every day. What did Roman do to deserve this?</p>
<p>Roman could now smell his favorite pasta sauce from downstairs, and his stomach rumbled. He pressed a hand against it, wishing it hadn't made so much noise. Of course, he realized no one cared how much noise he made. He'd always been encouraged to make noise- since he was taken in by the Prince's that is. And he was honestly so unnerved by the quietness in his room, he was almost relieved when his phone started to ring.</p>
<p>He rolled over and twisted awkwardly so he was lying the opposite direction he had been, then grabbed his phone. It was Virgil. Roman hesitated, finger hovering over the decline button. But he wanted there to be some noise. And Virgil was his best friend. Roman clenched his teeth and answered.</p>
<p>"H-hey." His throat was dry and tight. He could hardly get the word out.</p>
<p>"Roman, God, are you okay?" Roman took a few steadying breaths.</p>
<p>"I- I mean- yes." he lied through his teeth. "I'm fine."</p>
<p>"Everyone was freaking out, where did you go? Did you just... go home? Logan said you're home now?"</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry, hell." Virgil sounded way more upset than Roman could have imagined. "Of all people, I should have noticed you were having a panic attack. I know exactly what that was, and I'm so freaking sorry, Roman, I didn't mean to scare you or whatever." Roman smiled. Of course, Virgil felt horrible.</p>
<p>"Hey," he chuckled softly. "Payback, right?"</p>
<p>"Dude, you didn't know I was having a panic attack, and that was in eighth grade! There's such a difference!" Roman just chuckled again. "Are you really laughing?"</p>
<p>"Yes..." Roman bit his lip. He felt tears in his eyes again and wiped them away, cursing under his breath.</p>
<p>"Ro..."</p>
<p>"Hm?"</p>
<p>"What happened?" Virgil asked pleadingly. "I don't.... I really don't want you to get a panic attack without me noticing, and if I know what triggered it-" Roman leaned away from the phone, eyes wide. He let a few tears roll down his face, then took a shaky breath.</p>
<p>"Virge..." he hesitated. "It's stupid."</p>
<p>"It's not, dude, are you sure-"</p>
<p>"It was stress." Roman felt like he was going to choke on his words. "I'm fine."</p>
<p>"Roman-"</p>
<p>"Gotta go." Roman hated hearing his own voice, he shouldn't have answered. He hung up before Virgil could protest. Then Roman shoved his phone under his pillow and stood up, taking a deep breath.</p>
<p>He couldn't get away with non-verbal days anymore. If he tried, he'd get sent back to therapy and people might find out. They'd try to bring up his past again, and that was not what he wanted. He wanted to be normal, he had to try to act normal. He had to talk. The thought made Roman want to cry, again.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman stood in front of the mirror, scowling deeply. He'd taken off his shirt, just to see them. The scars. His family did know about those, of course. But they didn't know who put them there, or why. Roman did. He remembered each one, why the man had hurt him, what exactly Roman had said. For each scar.</p>
<p>The largest ran from Roman's right shoulder across his chest to the bottom of his ribcage. He ran a hand across it, grimacing. He'd only been five when he received that scar, and he'd only said one word.</p>
<p>The man had been beating him, beating him with a belt and with his fists. And Roman was terrified, so he let out one pleading word.</p>
<p>
  <em>Please</em>
</p>
<p>The man snapped, pulling his knife from his belt and slashing it across Roman's body. It cut deep and he remembered blacking out from the pain. He woke up with it dressed and bandaged, and it had been a month before he saw the man again after that.</p>
<p>Roman pulled his shirt back on, ignoring the tears on his face. He hated remembering, but if he did it on purpose then the memories wouldn't build up and surprise him like at school. He heard the door open downstairs, Ryan was home. His dad. Roman grinned, then rubbed the tear tracks off his face and took a deep breath. He left the bathroom and walked slowly down the stairs, listening.</p>
<p>"Yeah, he hasn't been talking since he got home." Mom said softly. "Not to me, at least. I heard him on the phone, but he wasn't doing the talking. Not most of it." Roman froze at the bottom of the stairs, listening.</p>
<p>"Alright, I'll talk to him," Dad said. "I'd hate to see him lose progress, I thought he'd gotten over the talking thing."</p>
<p>"You know it won't work like that." Mom said. "Especially until we learn more about... well, his past." Dad sighed.</p>
<p>"Hon, we don't know anything. It's been ten years. Maybe he just doesn't remember, like he told the therapist."</p>
<p>"Hm." Roman took that opportunity to bounce into the room. He beamed at his parents and braced himself to hear his own voice.</p>
<p>"Hi Dad!" he hated his voice anyway. They exchanged glances as Roman went to get plates from the cupboard.</p>
<p>"Hey, buddy."</p>
<p>"I'm glad you're feeling a bit better." Mom said softly. Roman just smiled at her and put the plates on the table, then got out silverware.</p>
<p>"Roman," Dad put a hand on his shoulder and Roman sighed, turning to face him.</p>
<p>"Y-yeah?" dammit, he hated that sound.</p>
<p>"I heard you had a kinda rough day," he said softly, smiling gently down at Roman. "Did something happen?" Roman didn't reply. "Roman, come on. You can talk to us, you know. We love you."</p>
<p>"I know that," Roman said, folding his arms.</p>
<p>"So, what happened?" Roman took a breath to say that it was nothing but found himself staring up into his father's eyes. Mom was at the stove, obviously listening in, but that was okay. The pasta was almost done, and the table was set.</p>
<p>This wasn't the hell hole.</p>
<p>"I-I had a panic attack," Roman whispered, unable to tear his gaze away. "And... and I... I..." he swallowed nervously. "And a flashback...thing. And it scared me." Tears welled up in his eyes and Roman hurriedly wiped them away. "A l- a lot."</p>
<p>"A flashback?" Dad asked, face twisted in concern. "A flashback to what?" Roman lunged forward and buried his face in Dad's chest, holding back sobs.</p>
<p>"Of...." he choked all over his words again and became a blubbering mess. He hated it. "A...a... a flashback of my biological father."</p>
<p>
  <em>Shit.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He told.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Part two coming in a few minutes so I won't leave a long AN here.</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Talking Terms: Part Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted August 7, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: abuse, violence, PTSD, flashbacks, angst, death mentions</p>
<p>Roman still isn't okay, but he's doing a bit better</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman didn't go to school for the rest of the week. Instead, he went to two therapy sessions and talked to his old caseworker, who was happy to pull out his case at the request of his parents. He wasn't as happy. He didn't want to find his biological parents, that was the last thing he ever wanted to do. His parents now knew some of the details, and they knew why he hadn't spoken for a year after getting out of that house and into theirs. They knew why he'd stop sometimes and not others. The therapist knew more.</p>
<p>He was really nice, and he also loved TV shows and Disney as much as Roman and Patton did. He used the shows to help Roman talk about it, which was really cool seeing as Disney was the only thing that kept Roman sane when he was younger. His name was Dr. (Emile) Picani.</p>
<p>Roman stayed away from his phone during the week as well, he didn't want to talk to his friends. He knew he'd have to eventually, but he knew they'd ask. He didn't want them to know any of this.</p>
<p>But, he had to go to school. So on Sunday night Mom had texted Logan and said Roman was going to need a ride. Thankfully, Logan hadn't questioned it.</p>
<p>So Roman left the house on Monday morning and got into his best friends car, avoiding eye contact from any of them. They rode silently for about one minute.</p>
<p>"I'm glad you're feeling better," Patton said, turning a bit in his seat. "I was really worried."</p>
<p>"Uh, yeah, I'm okay," Roman said softly, smiling in return.</p>
<p>"Well, I'm just glad you're back!" Patton said, beaming.</p>
<p>Roman nodded, then turned to look out the window, if only to avoid conversation. And then it got silent. Roman chewed his lip anxiously. It was the longest car ride of his life, at least that he cared to remember at the moment. It was so quiet, he would probably have gone insane if he couldn't hear Virgil's music from his headphones. He was listening to some kind of emo music, but it was something.</p>
<p>"Here we are," Logan turned off the car and paused. "Are you ready for a new day of learning?"</p>
<p>"Yes!" Patton started to laugh loudly. "He said it!" Roman smiled, looking over at Logan. Logan smirked, shrugging.</p>
<p>"Patton thought it would be amusing," he said, getting out of the car. The others followed suit and started toward the building. Roman ran an agitated hand through his hair as they approached.</p>
<p>"Roman..." Virgil's voice trailed off as they walked. Roman looked at him tiredly.</p>
<p>"Yeah?"</p>
<p>"I just... we want to help you in any way possible." Virgil glanced at the others, and Logan and Patton nodded slowly. "We've been worried, and..."</p>
<p>"I..." Roman shrugged. "I'm sorry..."</p>
<p>"Hey, it's okay!" Patton said, obviously forcing the chipper tone. "You don't have to tell us anything until you're ready!" Roman smiled.</p>
<p>"Thanks, Patt."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Hey, Dr. Pic," Roman said, sitting cross-legged on the couch. Emile sat down across from him, beaming.</p>
<p>"Well hey there Roman! Glad to see you back here, never a bad time to talk with my favorite Disney lover!" Roman rolled his eyes. "So, how did school go for the past two days? You went back on Monday, right?"</p>
<p>"Yeah..." Roman ran a hand through his hair. "It's alright, I mean, everyone's really confused...they're acting weird."</p>
<p>"Hm.." Emile nodded. "That's normal, I suppose. It can be compared to when team Voltron finally did find Shiro again after he'd been missing for months."</p>
<p>"...yeah?" Roman frowned thoughtfully at his hands.</p>
<p>"They were happy he'd returned, but after not knowing what had happened or where he'd gone, no one knew what to do."</p>
<p>"Why do you make so much sense?" Roman complained, shaking his head. "That's exactly what it is! Except I haven't been replaced, to my knowledge."</p>
<p>"Of course not!" Emile chuckled. "You aren't the leader of a team of space-heroes. You're in high school."</p>
<p>"Ugh, I missed so much." Roman groaned, closing his eyes. "It was excused, but like... when am I really gonna take the time to learn all that stupid math again? I'm not, and then I'll end up working at McDonald's forever."</p>
<p>"Oh, come on Roman!" Emile said. "You're smart! Didn't your parents say you always were?"</p>
<p>"I mean..." Roman sighed, picking at the knee of his jeans. "They do say that, because of how I was when... I came to them." Emile nodded but didn't say anything. Roman clenched his fists. "I knew how to read and write... but that's just because I couldn't <em>do</em> anything else!"</p>
<p>Roman hesitated, looking into Emile's kind and curious eyes. He thought back to then - when he only ever saw another person when either the man was yelling at him or he wasn't home. The only other person he'd ever seen was a woman, who he was sure had to be his biological mother. She'd given him books and taught him the alphabet, but always in hushed whispers.</p>
<p>And then she left.</p>
<p>"I knew how to read because I couldn't have the volume on the television," Roman said softly, staring down at the carpet. "And the only way I could get out of- of that house..." his voice cracked and Roman winced, hating it. His voice changed to a whisper. "Was by watching my movies."</p>
<p>"Ah..." Emile put down his paper and pencil, Roman glanced at it before looking at him. "Alright, Roman," his voice was much gentler than Roman had ever heard it, which was saying a lot. This was much more than he'd shared about anything but the beatings, though, so that made some sense. "What I'm getting here is that you don't like people using that as a reason to say you're smart?"</p>
<p>Roman opened his mouth to reply, but no sound came out. How the hell did Emile manage to know what he couldn't put into words?</p>
<p>"I-I..." Roman swallowed nervously. "I wasn't smart, I'm not! I was desperate! Like... like..." he buried his face in his hands.</p>
<p>"Somewhat like Matilda, in the book and live-action film?" Emile suggested, tapping his chin. "Her mind had too much energy and power to handle, so she developed powers. That kind of thing?" Roman sighed.</p>
<p>"I don't know... maybe? Not really..." he groaned. "I just didn't want to be in that room anymore. And if I watched Aladdin, I was in Agrabba. If I watched Fox and The Hound, I was in a forest somewhere. If I watched Sleeping Beauty, I was in a magical kingdom... and I wasn't in that room."</p>
<p>"I see..." Emile nodded. "An <em>escape</em>', spelled like escape?" Roman chuckled, nodding.</p>
<p>"Kindof... I think..." Roman groaned. "I don't know... I don't like thinking about it."</p>
<p>"You've managed to repress it this long... I can imagine." Emile nodded. "Roman, do you think you're smart?" Roman shook his head.</p>
<p>"No... not really." he frowned. "I mean, I'm not stupid but... I'm average. Maybe a little less."</p>
<p>"Hm, I see. That doesn't stop you from trying, though?"</p>
<p>"Of course not!" Roman sat back, slightly offended. "Giving up isn't an option for me!" Emile raised an eyebrow. "If I give up, that's like saying- like saying he was right all along!"</p>
<p>"Your biological father?"</p>
<p>"He thought I was useless! He hated me! If I give up, that's just proving him right! On top of that, I'd be disappointing my parents, which could ultimately end up in homelessness and/or death."</p>
<p>"You've thought about this quite a bit," Emile noted, tilting his head. "That's normal, especially about disappointing your parents. Let me just say, I think your parents are incredibly proud of you." Roman sighed, flopping back into the couch.</p>
<p>"I just wish I was normal..." he said. "But that's never going to happen."</p>
<p>"What do you mean by normal? That's such a fluid thing, Roman, what does normal mean to you?" Roman frowned.</p>
<p>"I mean... I guess I just... I wish I wasn't born in the situation I was." he muttered. "I wish my biological parents didn't do that to me, and I wish I hadn't had to run away in order to be okay."</p>
<p>"Well, we can't change the past..." Emile said gently. "So, isn't that your normal? You wish you <em>weren't</em> normal?"</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"Most children in your situation have the same kind of problems. You're perfectly normal for someone who's been through what you've been through." Emile nodded, smiling encouragingly. "Every thought and feeling is valid, Roman, it's important you understand that."</p>
<p>"Well, I still don't have to like it."</p>
<p>"That's normal too," Emile said, grinning. Roman chuckled. "But, you know something Roman?" Roman glanced at him. "I don't think you were born to be normal."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Good morning!" Roman said cheerfully, slipping into Logan's car.</p>
<p>"Hey," Virgil glanced at him in surprise.</p>
<p>"Well, good morning to you too!" Patton beamed.</p>
<p>"Salutations."</p>
<p>"Glad to see you're feeling better, Romano," Virgil muttered, grinning at him. Roman beamed back.</p>
<p>"Believe it or not, so am I!" he announced as Logan started driving toward the school.</p>
<p>Virgil smiled, and he seemed sincere. But Roman still felt bad for not telling them what had happened. He just didn't want to have to explain it all. They didn't even know he'd been adopted, he looked enough like his parents for that. He knew they were still going to be worried, and probably still treat him like glass, but Dr. Picani was right. Roman Prince wasn't normal.</p>
<p>There was no reason to treat himself like glass, everyone else did that for him already. Roman bit his lip. He'd told himself over and over that he'd talk to them. All evening, all morning, he'd been rehearsing how to bring up what happened. Who'd have thought that Roman would get stage fright when it was only his best friends on earth? Roman sighed, shaking his head. When in doubt, act like it never happened.</p>
<p>"Virgil," Roman turned to face his friend. "I beg you once more, please audition for the Lion King with me!"</p>
<p>"Roman, I thought you were over that..." Virgil groaned. Roman beamed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"Auditions are next week! If we work hard, you could totally do it!"</p>
<p>"I don't want to perform in a play." Virgil insisted. "That's your thing."</p>
<p>"I first met you on stage," Roman said, smiling innocently at him. Virgil snorted.</p>
<p>"I was moving the set, you were in the way, I said I was sorry three years ago!"</p>
<p>"I know, but you were still on a stage." Roman rolled his eyes. "Patton, tell him to at least audition!"</p>
<p>"Aw, he doesn't have to!"</p>
<p>"Why won't you at least audition?" Roman pouted dramatically.</p>
<p>"Because odds are, I'd get cast as the main role. Happened in seventh grade, and I'd prefer it didn't ever again."</p>
<p>"You were in a play?!" Roman's jaw dropped and he stared at his best friend. Virgil rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"A terrible, terrible, gay rendition of Romeo and Juliet."</p>
<p>"Why didn't you ever tell me!?" Roman asked, pouting obnoxiously. Virgil snickered.</p>
<p>"Cuz I knew you'd react like that." Roman chuckled. The stinging worry wasn't as bad as usual, and in reality, Virgil didn't say anything about him being loud. Still, it was there. That didn't mean it was right.</p>
<p>"You'd be an excellent Timone." Roman maintained, wiggling his eyebrows. "Or Scar." Virgil rolled his eyes. "Or Rafiki."</p>
<p>"I'm not gonna audition and get cast as a crazy wizard monkey." He said as they pulled into the parking lot.</p>
<p>"Please just think about it?" Virgil sighed.</p>
<p>"Will you stop asking if I say I'll think?"</p>
<p>"Only one way to find out." Roman winked and got out of the car.</p>
<p>"Then I'll think." Virgil got out and they all started toward the school. "And I'm pretty sure I'll think the word 'nope'."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman, we need to talk to you about something." Roman paused the show he was watching and turned to see his parents and surprisingly the caseworker walking in.</p>
<p>"Oh, sure." He sat up as they sat down. Mom next to him, Dad and the caseworker on the other couch. "What's up?"</p>
<p>"I know you didn't want to find him." The caseworker gently said. Roman sighed and nodded. "You don't ever have to see that man again, okay? No matter what."</p>
<p>"Good." Roman picked at a thread on the couch. "So what did you find?" Mom hugged him with one arm as the caseworker chuckled.</p>
<p>"You don't miss anything, do you?" Roman shrugged. The caseworker opened their bag and pulled out a picture, but didn't turn it. Roman eyed it curiously. "We just need to know if you recognize this person. Alright?"</p>
<p>"Sure."</p>
<p>They turned it and he stared. It was her. She taught him to read and she cleaned up his wounds and brought him new VHS tapes a few times. It was her.</p>
<p>"Roman? Sweetie are you okay?"</p>
<p>"Who is that?" Roman asked, reaching for the picture. The caseworker let him take it. "Who is she?"</p>
<p>"Her name is Maria Montez," they said. "Her murder case was solved three months after you were found."</p>
<p>"She's dead?" Roman echoed, eyes wide. So that's where she went. For whatever reason, he'd killed her. Even if no one found him at the theater when he was a kid... he'd never have found her anyway. He handed the picture back, staring at the floor.</p>
<p>"Do you know her?"</p>
<p>"Sh...she...." Roman cleared his throat. "She taught me to read. And she uh... she disappeared a few weeks before I ran away." he sighed, wringing his hands. "I wanted to find her... she was the only person who liked me." Mom hugged him tighter, running her fingers in his hair. Roman smiled sadly.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Roman." The caseworker said softly. Roman scowled and looked up.</p>
<p>"They caught him, right? He's... he's in prison?"</p>
<p>"Her husband, who killed her, yes." Dad reached forward and put a hand on Roman's shoulder.</p>
<p>"Ro, I'm sorry son..."</p>
<p>"It's okay."</p>
<p>He was in prison. His biological father was in prison, he had to be.</p>
<p>"This man was convicted of her murder, he's still in federal prison." Another photo. Roman looked at it tentatively. It was him. Tears sprung to his eyes and Roman turned away, sobbing into Mom's shoulder.</p>
<p>"That's him." he choked out. "That's him."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman?" a soft knock on the door. Roman frowned, tearing his gaze away from the ceiling. The door opened just a crack, and he saw Patton peaking in. "your mom said you were up here."</p>
<p>"Hi." Roman sat up, smiling at the door. Patton saw this as a signal to come in, Logan and Virgil followed. "What's up, guys? What are you doing here?"</p>
<p>"We're worried about you!" Patton hugged him tightly. Roman chuckled.</p>
<p>"I only missed today," he mumbled.</p>
<p>"So what? You're our friend." Virgil rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"We just wanted to be sure you were alright." Logan sat on the bed next to Roman and Patton. "From you, not anyone else."</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm alright," Roman shrugged. "Just... lots of stuff going on." Patton nodded, still clinging to Roman's shoulder. Logan raised an eyebrow, and Virgil just looked more worried. Roman sighed.</p>
<p>"I've actually been meaning to talk to you guys about it, but I could never find a good time. Guess now is good as any, right?"</p>
<p>"Only if you want to," Virgil said, finally sitting down on Roman's desk chair.</p>
<p>"Well," Roman sighed and closed his eyes. He kept them closed as he told his friends about it, not all of it, but enough. He was adopted, he ran away from an abusive father when he was six, he didn't start talking to anyone until he was seven, and what had happened that week. When he was done, Roman opened his eyes. Even telling it made him exhausted.</p>
<p>"Gosh, Ro..." Patton whispered. "I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"Like I said, it's okay." Roman smiled. "I'm going to therapy again, and now I know he's never going to find me... I think I'll be okay. Just a little rough, y'know?"</p>
<p>Patton cuddled a bit closer to him, hugging him tighter. Logan adjusted his glasses - he always did that when he didn't know what to say. Roman smirked a bit, stealing a glance at Virgil. Unsurprisingly, it was hard to unravel all the emotions his best friend was feeling. But, they were best friends. So Roman knew he was trying not to look angry but still pressed his right thumbnail into the side of his index finger. And sad, which was only really obvious by the way he bit his lip. Beyond that, Roman wasn't sure. But that was what he'd have to expect from the stormcloud.</p>
<p>"God," Virgil sighed heavily, shaking hair out of his eyes. "That asshole is lucky he's in prison."</p>
<p>"You can't fight," Roman pointed out, amused. Virgil shrugged.</p>
<p>"Logan can, I'd just pay him off to assassinate the guy."</p>
<p>"I appreciate the thought." Roman sighed, flopping back onto his bed.<br/>"Do you... well," Logan cleared his throat awkwardly, looking at the floor. "Do you need us to do anything for you, Roman? I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we feel-"</p>
<p>"Just..." Roman closed his eyes, breathing slowly. Gosh, how did he get such good friends? "Can't we just sit here for a while? Talk about something else?" Virgil chuckled, Roman felt him join them on the bed.</p>
<p>"Sure thing Princey."</p>
<p>So they did, Logan and Patton carrying the conversation as Roman just sat and listened, giving input every few minutes if he saw fit. It was nice, he found, not to feel required to be completely okay.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's that! Again, sorry I've been MIA in basically ALL of my fics everywhere for a while. I'm trying to get back into it haha. As always, thanks for reading and please leave a comment, including requests! I'd LOVE some requests!!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Saving Mason: Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally Posted August 23, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: mentions of eating disorders, bullying, child abuse, neglect, depression, suicide attempt (?), suicide mention, self-hatred</p>
<p>A misunderstood villain with Roman/Virgil role swap. Roman as the misunderstood villain, Virgil as the savior dude</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If you went to Sanders high school, you knew who Roman Mason was. Some people would say that was good for him - but most people did not. Roman was the classic popular theater kid. Blond, tan, blue eyes, tall, etc. And like the classic popular kid, he was a complete asshole. In Virgil's opinion.</p>
<p>He'd never <em>done </em>anything to hurt someone physically - that had been proven anyway. But he knew just how to word a compliment to make it an insult, and he knew just how to smirk in a way teachers didn't notice but the less popular, less classic, less 'normal' kids would notice and cringe away from him. He thought he was amazing at everything he did, and while Virgil had to admit that he was a good singer and actor, he didn't have to act like he knew it, though.</p>
<p>The guy was friends with everyone who would be friends with him - about half the student body. The other half were the people who knew what was going on, who'd been on the receiving end of his rude comments and insults and stupid smirks across the classroom when he showed one of them up at whatever they were doing. He was so full of himself, and he didn't really care about anyone. He'd said this to Virgil's face, and to several other kids he knew.</p>
<p>But what was Virgil supposed to do? He couldn't accuse Roman of anything - as he'd never actually hurt anyone, but he knew Roman was the reason Logan Croft had fallen silent after tenth grade, only speaking when necessary. He knew Roman was the reason Patton Hart watched his weight so carefully, usually skipping lunch unless Virgil made him eat. He knew Roman was the reason the boy with vitiligo tried makeup technique after makeup technique coupled with long hair and deep hoods to hide inside. And he was absolutely sure that Roman was the reason Virgil was never going to audition for any kind of performance ever again - even though it was his dream to become a Broadway star as well.</p>
<p>Because that's just what Roman did. He made 'jokes'. He made comments. He told people outright - without prompting - if he didn't like something about them, and he didn't even try to soften the truth.</p>
<p>And it was really starting to piss Virgil off.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Patton wasn't eating again. Virgil stared across the table at his friend, worry gnawing at his heart as Patton picked at his salad, not eating it. He'd been doing so well before, and Virgil knew it wouldn't be that simple as to just eat again - he had anxieties of his own.</p>
<p>"Please eat, Patt," he said softly. Patton glanced up at him and sighed, putting a single piece of lettuce in his mouth and chewing slowly. It wasn't enough by a long shot - but it was something.</p>
<p>"I just..." Patton sighed and closed his eyes. "I thought I did well in the recital. I thought... I thought it was good."</p>
<p>"It was!" Virgil insisted. "You were amazing - there's a reason you were one of the main dancers on that stage. You're talented and everyone knows it." Patton hummed, face growing red as he glanced across the cafeteria at a table Virgil knew so well and hated so much.</p>
<p>"Not everyone."</p>
<p>"You're fucking with me." Virgil slammed his hands on the table and stood up, glaring murderously across the room at the back of Roman Mason's stupid head. "Did he seriously tell you you were chubby again?"</p>
<p>"He just told me he saw I looked less thin," Patton mumbled. "And I guess that's not awful, but I can't stop thinking about it now, and I just hate that people can notice that I'm not skinny. And so maybe if I just eat a little less-"</p>
<p>"No," Virgil growled, eyes narrowing as Roman threw his head back and laughed at something his friend said. "He has no right to even talk to you, let alone talk to you about your weight. It's none of his fucking business, Patton. I'm going to go over there, and-"</p>
<p>"No!" Patton pouted up at him. "Virge, don't do that. You'll make a scene, and then you'll get all anxious afterward." Virgil shrugged, moving out of the bench. "Virgil! Just not right now, not during school."</p>
<p>"...fine." Virgil huffed a sigh and sat down heavily, making the table shake. "But the next time I see his stupid little smirk, I'm going to punch him in the face. A lot."</p>
<p>"It's okay," Patton said, choking down another small bit before grimacing and pushing the food away. Virgil pushed it back, managing to offer his friend a small smile. Patton returned it but still didn't seem very excited about the prospect of eating the small salad.</p>
<p>Roman Mason was an asshole, and Virgil was getting really sick of it.</p>
<hr/>
<p>By the end of the day, Virgil had calmed down just a bit. Not enough to stop plotting Roman's murder, but enough to talk normally to everyone else. Then he had to stay after school for a musical theater rehearsal - even though he didn't get a part because he didn't audition, he was on the stage crew.</p>
<p>And Roman was infuriating. Virgil had heard him tell three people their clothes looked bad, and he'd heard him mention Logan's chattering loudly across the stage even though Logan was only speaking quietly to the director about the lights. So by the time he was leaving, late since the costumes had gotten messed up by an excited freshman, he was really wanting to rip the guys' lungs out of his chest.</p>
<p>"You're late." Virgil slowed as he approached the school exit.</p>
<p>"Rehearsal just ran a little behind, that's all. It wasn't my fault." it was Roman. Virgil felt his blood boil. Who's fault was it that rehearsal ran behind? Maybe the guy that insisted they do it perfectly even though they had two weeks until the show. The sound of skin against skin, however, made Virgil freeze where he stood, surprised. Roman made the smallest sound of pain, and Virgil wasn't even sure if he'd heard it or imagined it.</p>
<p>"Don't let it happen again, or you'll have to stop taking that stupid class."</p>
<p>"Yes, dad," Roman said softly before Virgil heard them walk away.</p>
<p>He stood there for a moment, conflicted. 'Yes Dad?' fuck. Maybe he was wrong, maybe that hadn't been Roman's voice.</p>
<p>It had been.</p>
<p>Maybe this was a fluke - maybe Roman's father was just in a bad mood or something.</p>
<p>Or something.</p>
<p>Virgil shook his head and continued to his car, but not before glimpsing Roman climb into the passenger seat of what must be his fathers' sports car. It drove out of the parking lot quickly before turning north - toward the neighborhood with big houses and yards and gated communities. Figures.</p>
<p>Despite Virgil reminding himself of how much he'd wanted to slap Roman's smug face over and over again, he couldn't help but wonder if Roman was alright. Kids at school hitting him was undoubtedly deserved. But his parents hitting him? Illegal, and cruel, and impossible to earn just by being five minutes late.</p>
<p>Virgil sighed, turning on his music to distract himself.</p>
<p>It was fine. He didn't give a shit about Roman Mason anyway. Thinking about him at all would just make Virgil angrier, and he knew it.</p>
<p>But he did anyway.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman missed school and rehearsal the next day. It was obvious, and Virgil hated that it worried him. Roman was obsessed with two things. Himself, and theater. And while Virgil generally wouldn't care at all where he was - and might even have been happy he missed - he kept hearing the sound of Roman being slapped play in the back of his mind.</p>
<p>They made it through with Roman's understudy - the very same sophomore Roman had been criticizing about skincare the day before, whose face was now covered in makeup to try and conceal the acne that was inevitable - and she did well. Virgil hated that he was so distracted and worried - because he really really hated Roman Mason.</p>
<p>It wasn't until he left that night, walking home across the freeway bridge to the side of town he lived on - aka the 'bad' side - that Virgil hated himself for caring about Roman Mason so much.</p>
<p>The thing was, he'd found countless people in countless similar situations. Patton, terrifyingly underweight passed out on the bathroom floor. Logan, staring down into the river near their houses. Remy - a kid who'd been a senior last year - with a bottle of sleeping pills and a glass of water that had never been consumed, only thrown away after they talked.</p>
<p>But those people he knew. Those people he liked. He didn't like Roman Mason.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, that didn't mean Virgil was going to let Roman Mason jump off a bridge.</p>
<p>"Hey dickface." he leaned on the railing and Roman looked over, an expression Virgil couldn't quite read on his face.</p>
<p>"Hey, Virgil." Virgil's eyebrows rose in surprise.</p>
<p>"So you actually know my name," he muttered. "Why all the stupid nicknames, then?" Roman didn't answer, and Virgil became increasingly aware of his hands being the only thing keeping him from dying. So he placed his own over them, holding them tightly to the bridge.</p>
<p>"What are you doing?" Roman asked accusingly. Virgil sighed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"I could ask you the same question." he pointed out. Roman scoffed, turning to face him again.</p>
<p>"No, you couldn't. It's obvious. Besides, aren't you happy?"</p>
<p>"Why the fuck would this make me happy?" Virgil snapped, eyes traveling across Roman's face, which had a hand-shaped bruise across one side of his face. "That bastard."</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>Virgil winced. Roman didn't know he'd been there last night.</p>
<p>"Look." he glanced down at the freeway, where only a few cars still traveled as this had been a five-hour rehearsal instead of three and it was getting late. "Just get over here."</p>
<p>"Are you serious?" Roman asked incredulously. "Listen to yourself! God, you're so stupid. Don't you have other, better people to care about?"</p>
<p>"Yeah." Virgil shrugged. "Not my fault you did this right now right here. I didn't seek you out, dumbass. I was walking home."</p>
<p>"You didn't have to stop," Roman muttered. "Why did you? You hate me. You'll be glad I'm dead."</p>
<p>"Yeah..." Virgil hesitated, shaking his head. "I don't think so. I won't be glad knowing you killed yourself for reasons I'm not completely sure of but can imagine somewhat due to how your dad treated you last night." Roman's face fell from one of hostility to one of fear, eyes widening.</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"Get over here and we'll talk," Virgil said, trying to stop his panic from growing. "Now." to his surprise, Roman nodded and pulled himself back over the railing to stand by Virgil.</p>
<p>"You were there?" Roman asked, completely unlike the Roman Mason Virgil knew.</p>
<p>Roman Mason was loud, confident, obnoxious and rude. Roman on the bridge, however, seemed to be the opposite.</p>
<p>"I didn't want to be." Virgil shrugged. "I just was. And he sounds like more of an asshole than you are. So in this situation, I'll help out the underdog. That's you."</p>
<p>"You confuse me, Emo nightmare." Roman sighed, turning to look down at the freeway again. Virgil grabbed his arm and Roman laughed bitterly. "Calm down. I'm not gonna make you watch me die."</p>
<p>"You better not," Virgil muttered. "You're probably pretty late again, huh?" Roman winced, and Virgil saw terror flit across his face until Roman forced it to be impassive again.</p>
<p>"Yeah. And he probably knows I skipped school. And he's going to be pissed. But it's fine."</p>
<p>"Not really." Virgil shook his head with a sigh. "So what are you gonna do?"</p>
<p>"Probably get beat to a pulp and stay home all week," Roman muttered. Virgil bit his lip, hating himself for the thoughts and ideas racing through his mind. "Or I'll run away and kill myself where there are no unreasonably nice emo kids to stop me."</p>
<p>"Those your only options?" Virgil asked, an invitation on the tip of his tongue. Roman laughed again and nodded.</p>
<p>"Of course they are."</p>
<p>"One more option." Virgil hated himself for this. Roman looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "You come to my place. It's pasta night - my moms make the best pasta."</p>
<p>"Moms?" Roman's eyebrows shot up. Virgil groaned.</p>
<p>"What, are you homophobic now, too?"</p>
<p>"No." Roman snapped, looking away before softly mumbling. "I'm gay."</p>
<p>"You're gay?" Virgil echoed in disbelief. "But you-"</p>
<p>"Shut up." Roman snapped. "You think my dad wants me to be like this? I told him I was wrong and it was a phase and I got a girlfriend. Deal with it. She's ace, she said she'd help me out. Then she went and moved away, and I'm stuck dealing with the mess I've made with my social life."</p>
<p>"Yeah, sure." Virgil rolled his eyes and pulled Roman away from the railing. "Come on." Roman followed him glumly and Virgil pulled out his phone, calling his mom quickly.</p>
<p>"Hey kiddo, you almost home?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, uh," Virgil swallowed anxiously. "Is it cool if I bring a friend with me? It's a long story, but he just needs somewhere to hang for a while."</p>
<p>"Of course!" She nodded and he heard her moving dishes. "I'll make him a plate. Where are you?"</p>
<p>"Just crossed the freeway. We'll be there soon." Virgil said.</p>
<p>"Alright, love you bug!"</p>
<p>"Bye." Virgil hung up and put it away, sighing heavily.</p>
<p>"You haven't called me that for a long time," Roman said softly, catching up to walk next to him. Virgil frowned.</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"A friend," Roman explained, staring at the ground. "It's been a while."</p>
<p>"...what do you mean by 'awhile'? I've never even hung out with you outside of musical theater."</p>
<p>"Yeah, you have." Roman shrugged. "In the third and fourth grade, we were friends. Then my dad moved me to an advanced class and we stopped talking."</p>
<p>"That was a long time ago," Virgil muttered, wracking his memories. That must have been just after his moms adopted him. Gosh, he did remember now. Roman had been different, always making up elaborate stories to tell and play on the playground at their elementary school. And nice. Kind to everyone on the planet. What the heck happened?</p>
<p>"Doesn't really matter," Roman said as Virgil guided him around a turn to his street. "I'm kind of an asshole now."</p>
<p>"Yeah." Virgil nodded, then slowed as they approached his house. "Okay, so I might have ranted about hating you a few times to my moms after the thing with Patton, but if they say anything I'll talk to them, alright?"</p>
<p>"What thing with Patton?" Roman asked.</p>
<p>"You telling him he needs to lose weight." Virgil snapped unhappily. "He nearly starved to death last year. Don't tell me you're that oblivious."</p>
<p>Roman glared at the ground. Virgil said nothing, just stopped at the end of the path to their steps.</p>
<p>"It's no big mansion like your place," he said as Roman looked up at it. "But it's what we've got."</p>
<p>"Looks more like a house than mine," Roman said, following him up the walk. "Are you sure about this?"</p>
<p>"Positive." Virgil lied, opening the door. "We're here!"</p>
<p>"Hey, bug!" Mom stepped out of the kitchen and raised her eyebrows upon seeing Roman. "How was the rehearsal, you two?" Roman stayed silent, obviously as he hadn't been there.</p>
<p>"It was fine. Got out a little early because the lighting issues are gonna take longer than we thought - the electrician is coming tomorrow morning." Virgil said, pulling off his shoes. Roman did the same, looking warily around the house.</p>
<p>"Well, come on in. Pasta just got done." She smiled. "Chicken alfredo tonight."</p>
<p>"Yes," Roman said, barely loud enough for Virgil to hear it. Virgil chuckled as they followed Mom into the kitchen.</p>
<p>"Oh, and who's this? Don't recognize you." Ma said from the table. "Not common Virgil makes a new friend."</p>
<p>"Uh," Roman looked awful, especially in the light of the kitchen where both women were now noticing his battered face.</p>
<p>"This is Roman," Virgil said for him, yanking out a chair pointedly. Roman sat. "he's a super old friend from elementary school."</p>
<p>"Roman, huh?" Ma narrowed her eyes slightly and Virgil glared at her.</p>
<p>"Ma!" he hissed.</p>
<p>"Pasta time!" mom said, breaking the awkward silence. She gave Virgil a look, letting him know they were definitely going to talk about this.</p>
<p>As if he expected them not to.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So that was the first part! The next part should be out soon - I just haven't finished it yet as my life is getting crazy again! (I started college and I have my job) so it should be out in the next week or so! </p>
<p>Thank you guys so much for the love you've been giving this book, it really makes me smile when I'm not feeling the best and I'm so glad you like my writing you have NO IDEA. </p>
<p>Thanks for reading, you guys have a great weekend!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Saving Mason: Part Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted August 28, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: mentions of suicidal thoughts, bullying, abuse, mentions of eating disorder, feeling hopeless, self deprecation, self hatred, food mentions, unintentional rudeness, mentions of death, blaming oneself for things out of their control</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If you went to Sanders highschool, you knew Virgil Stone had a habit of saving those who needed to be saved. So many people had mentioned experiences like the one Roman had just gone through, so many people would say how he came across them in a moment of crisis and helped them through it. Taking Roman's cousins pills and talking to him. Walking home with a girl out of nowhere, the day she'd been wondering if she should kill herself. He even helped teachers carry stuff to their classrooms all the time.</p>
<p>But until tonight he'd never thought the emo would help someone like him. And now, Roman wished he hadn't agreed to come to Virgil's house. Not that there was anything wrong with it. It was small but nice. His moms were kind, after a few glares from Virgil. Why Virgil was defending him, Roman would never understand. The Alfredo was amazing, the best he'd ever had.</p>
<p>But now he was sat at the table with only Virgil's Ma, and he hated the tense silence.</p>
<p>"So Roman." Roman jerked his head up to look at her when she spoke, voice tight with some kind of emotion. She ran a finger along the edge of her cup, obviously procrastinating what she was going to say. "What's up with you? Everything alright?"</p>
<p>"What?" Roman stared at her, shocked. She had to hate him. Virgil had undoubtedly told her about what he'd apparently done to Patton. God, why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? What else had he done to people without fully realizing it? Yeah, he was rude sometimes when he was stressed and didn't know what to say, but was he that bad? Apparently, he was.</p>
<p>"You alright?" she repeated.</p>
<p>"... why do you care?" Roman clenched his hands under the table, looking away from her. "I know Virgil hates me, you must hate me too."</p>
<p>"That doesn't matter," she said softly. "What matters to me, right now, is where that bruise on your face came from." Roman opened his mouth, then closed it and stared at the table.</p>
<p>They sat in silence for a few more minutes.</p>
<p>"Virgil's adopted, you know." She said. Roman didn't respond. "We got him when he was eight - after he was removed because his parents were abusive."</p>
<p>Roman flinched, shrinking away from her. This was none of his business! He'd been an asshole to Virgil so much the past few years, he shouldn't get to know anything about Virgil's life. No matter how much he wanted to be friends with the guy.</p>
<p>"He's not ashamed of it." Virgil's Ma promised. "He lets us tell people. Especially if it will help them. You need help. You need to know that he knows exactly what is going on with you because he can see it and he can feel it. You need to know that I work as a social worker in child protection services, and I know exactly what's going on as well."</p>
<p>"You have no idea." Roman snapped, glaring at her. She stared back impassively. "You don't know me! You don't know my dad! All you know is what Virgil told you and that I have a bruise on my face. How do you know anything about me?"</p>
<p>"It's in the shape of a hand." She pointed out. Roman sighed unhappily.</p>
<p>"Okay, yeah."</p>
<p>"We can't help you unless you tell me something." She finally said. Roman looked up at her, confused. "We can't get you away from him forever unless you tell me about it. Don't you get that? You went to kill yourself today, for reason's I don't know fully, but I know a lot of it must have something to do with that."</p>
<p>"Fine." Roman's voice shook as he thought of his father, did he want to betray him? He felt a thrill of fear in realizing that he didn't care. He didn't care about his dad.</p>
<p>"Who hit your face?" She asked. Roman winced and looked at the table.</p>
<p>"My dad."</p>
<p>"Has he hit you before then?"</p>
<p>Roman held back a bitter scoff.</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"Does your mother know about this?" Roman shook his head.</p>
<p>"She's dead. It's my fault."</p>
<p>"No, it's not." Roman noticed she was writing this down and swallowed nervously, wondering vaguely where Virgil and his Mom had gone.</p>
<p>"Does anyone else know?"</p>
<p>"Virgil, you, and I guess your wife must know." Roman sighed, shoulders sagging.</p>
<p>"Only you and he, otherwise?"</p>
<p>"Yeah." Roman buried his face in his hands, taking deep breaths. He didn't care about his dad. But he did care about what his Dad did. What would he think if he found out Roman told a stranger about all this?</p>
<p>"When did this start?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman's heart sank as he realized he wasn't sure. His dad had always been controlling, wanting him to be the best he could ever be. He wanted Roman to be like his mom - who Roman had never met. Always comparing them and making him take the harder courses. Always punishing him one way or another for pursuing a personal interest that wasn't like hers, or when he failed at something she'd been good at. "I don't know."</p>
<p>"Do you remember a time it hadn't?" She asked, surprisingly put together though Roman could see the alarm in her eyes.</p>
<p>"Maybe when I was a little kid..." he shook his head. "But he'd lock me in closets or my room for hours, even if he didn't hit me." God, what was he doing? Why was he telling her this stuff? As if she'd really be able to help. Roman took a deep breath and pushed his chair back.</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>"Listen, I really appreciate this," he said softly, feeling tears well up in his eyes. "But you aren't going to be able to do anything no matter what I tell you."</p>
<p>"What do you mean?"</p>
<p>"He's too good." Roman stood up, wiping his eyes hurriedly. "He has a lot of money, and I can't prove he's done any of this. It's his word against mine. He's a super good lawyer, and I'm just a high school kid. What am I supposed to do?"</p>
<p>"Roman, hold on a second." she got up and walked around the table, gently putting her hands on his shoulders. Roman winced as she touched a bruise. She frowned, pushing his collar to the slide slightly.</p>
<p>"He doesn't usually hit me where you can see," Roman said as an explanation. She pulled him into a gentle hug and Roman's eyes widened, his heart pounding. Her touch felt like fire - but it was amazing.</p>
<p>"Roman, I swear to god." She stepped back with a new fire in her eyes. "He is going to get what's coming to him." Roman smiled weakly. "Now, you go to the guest room. Carla and Virgil should have it ready for you. Tomorrow we'll have to do some talking with lawyers and my co-workers, but you aren't going back to him. Alright?"</p>
<p>"Kay." Roman took a deep breath and wiped his eyes again. "Uh... thanks. For the pasta."</p>
<p>"Right." She brushed hair out of his face. "Get some sleep."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I didn't mean to be such an asshole," Roman said, watching Virgil curiously as the other kid searched through their movie collection.</p>
<p>"Right."</p>
<p>"I didn't!" Roman insisted, staring at his hands. "I just... I mean, there were times when I was just pissed off and I wanted to hurt someone but I would never do that, and so I said cruel things. I didn't realize..."</p>
<p>"That doesn't matter," Virgil muttered.</p>
<p>"Yeah, it does." Roman snapped. "I didn't know Patton got upset about all that. I just started talking, and the next thing I know, he avoids me all the time and you hate me more."</p>
<p>"You don't think before you speak, Roman." Virgil sighed, looking up from the box. "You say what comes to mind, and it's careless. You've affected a lot of people, and you don't realize because... well, you have shit going on and I guess that's a reason. But you need to try and pay attention."</p>
<p>"Yeah," Roman said glumly, getting up from the couch to look over his shoulder. "What are you looking for?"</p>
<p>"Black cauldron."</p>
<p>"Ugh, really?" Roman groaned, then clamped his mouth shut and played his own voice back in his head. Shit, that was so freaking rude. Virgil was staring at him, expression unreadable. "I... sorry. You like Disney?"</p>
<p>"Some of them." Virgil turned away and located a well-worn DVD case, pulling it out. "This one's my favorite."</p>
<p>"But there are no songs." Roman couldn't help himself but sound indignant. "Disney is all about the songs!"</p>
<p>"Not for me." Virgil chuckled, putting it in and heading back to the couch. Roman followed, utterly confused.</p>
<p>"You'd tell me if I was rude, right?" He asked as the movie started. Virgil frowned, then shrugged. "Oh come on, Cheshire catastrophe, I told you I didn't mean to-"</p>
<p>"That was rude." Virgil interrupted. Roman fell silent, trying to figure out what he was referring to. "The nicknames, Sir Sing a Lot. That's one of your biggest problems. You don't know If I want you to call me things like that, or if Patton wants you to call him things like puffball and marshmallow. Or if Logan wants you to point out his stutter every time he speaks. Would you like it if someone always brought up your flaws whenever they talked to you?" Roman winced. That sounded like his dad.</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"There you go then," Virgil said, looking back at the screen as the credits ended. "Now shush, we're watching a movie." Roman nodded, curling up on the opposite end of the couch to watch and think about what Virgil had said.</p>
<p>Did he do that? Often? The more he thought, the more Roman realized Virgil was right. He never intended to hurt Logan or Patton with the nicknames, it just kind of happened. Like how his dad always called him things and said it was a slip of the tongue. Was he like his dad? The prospect had never scared Roman more than it did right then.</p>
<p>He'd never wanted to be like his dad - he'd wanted to be like his mom. To make his dad happy, to finally get him to leave Roman alone. It hadn't happened, because Roman wasn't his mom. He was himself. But now it looked like he was becoming the person he hated the most - and he hadn't even realized it. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't just talk and then think, or the damage would already be done.</p>
<p>Should he just stop talking? Or talk less? Or slower? Or should he bail on this whole thing and go find another bridge? Roman chewed anxiously on the inside of his lip, watching the movie to distract himself. Despite that, the thoughts circled around in the back of his head.</p>
<p>Not only was he a jerk, but he was the reason others felt the same crappy way he did right now. He didn't want that. All he'd ever wanted was to be a Disney Prince, dashing and kind and loyal. Instead, he was this.</p>
<p>Roman buried his head in his arms and sighed, curling into a tighter ball around himself. He had no idea what to do.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman woke up disoriented. This wasn't his bed - or the floor of the closet. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking around to realize he was still in the guest room at Virgil's house. Oh yeah. Yesterday had been weird.</p>
<p>Roman groaned, checking the clock to find it was already ten AM. Man, he'd slept in really late. His dad had to be super pissed off that he wasn't home, too. Good thing it was Saturday Roman shook those thoughts from his head and slid out of bed, straightening the clothes he'd been wearing yesterday and last night.</p>
<p>He crept out to the living room, wondering where Virgil and his moms were, only to freeze in the doorway at the sight of who was there.</p>
<p>It was Patton - who according to Virgil, struggled with his appearance and a possible eating disorder (Roman didn't want to pry when Virgil was so salty about it). And apparently, Roman had made it worse just by talking, and Roman knew he must be right. They hadn't seen him yet - thank god - and Roman took a silent step backward into the hallway.</p>
<p>"Oh good, you're awake!" Roman jumped when Virgil's Mom - Carla - put a hand on his shoulder from behind him. Patton and Virgil turned from what looked like a game of Uno. Roman looked at the floor.</p>
<p>"Oh hey, Roman," Virgil said - voice as unreadable as ever. Patton said nothing, and Roman didn't expect him to.</p>
<p>"Want some breakfast?" Carla asked, taking her hand from Roman's shoulder quickly after she realized how tense he was.</p>
<p>"Y'don't have to give me stuff," Roman mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. Carla scoffed, gesturing for him to follow her to the kitchen. He did, silently wondering what Virgil had told Patton.</p>
<p>"We usually have cereal on the weekends, that alright?" Carla asked cheerfully, pulling a bowl from one of their cupboards.</p>
<p>"Sure." Roman stood awkwardly for a moment before slowly going to the fridge while she searched through a cupboard. He got out the milk - just so he didn't feel useless.</p>
<p>"Here we go, Breakfast is important." Carla laughed softly, handing the bowl over to him. Roman smiled in thanks and sat down, staring at the food thoughtfully.</p>
<p>Virgil was a good person. He helped people. Now, that made a lot more sense. Because his moms were just like that. Roman's dad was a dick. Roman was also a dick. Maybe there was a pattern here, and he hated it.</p>
<p>Roman sighed, grudgingly eating the cereal in front of him. He was hungry - and it would be rude to not eat it after she gave it to him. Though, Roman realized he was a rude person anyway. Not that he'd ever meant to become like that. Had he? Not at first, no. Roman scowled at the cereal as he thought this over. He had to admit that, somewhere along the line, he'd gotten a kind of sick pleasure from watching people get uncomfortable, or offended, or even sad and angry. Why? Was he really so much like his father? Why had he started hurting people anyway?</p>
<p>Not only that but how was he going to stop? He'd tried, after feeling it went too far when he made fun of Dominic's skin - which he had no control over. And when he'd lost a good friend after making a very rude and bigoted joke. But it was so easy to fall back into doing what he always did. It was what people expected from him. Almost what they wanted from him, though Roman knew the people that wanted it were the people he wasn't hurting.</p>
<p>"Deep in thought, Romano." Roman's head shot up when Virgil addressed him.</p>
<p>"Not that you'd know what it feels like." he snapped, then clapped a hand over his mouth. "I mean... yes. I am." Virgil raised an eyebrow, leaning on the counter.</p>
<p>"Was that remorse I saw?" he asked sarcastically - at least Roman hoped it was sarcastic. "Huh."</p>
<p>"Believe it or not, em- Virgil." Roman corrected himself quickly. "I do feel bad for hurting yours and everyone else's feelings."</p>
<p>"Yeah?" Virgil seemed amused by something and Roman scowled, getting up and carrying his empty bowl to the sink to rinse it.</p>
<p>"Yes. I just didn't really think about it before," he explained. "I was too wrapped up with my own life to think of anyone else's. And it's not like I expected you of all people to care about me being alive so much."</p>
<p>"Apologise, then," Virgil said in exasperation. Roman frowned, turning to look at him. "If you feel sorry, say it." He hadn't said it? He could have sworn he'd apologized. Virgil was still watching him, eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"I..." Roman looked down at the floor and fidgeted uncomfortably. "I'm sorry, Virgil," he said, that awful feeling inside him at what he'd been realizing recently seeming to overwhelm him. "I'm so, incredibly sorry."</p>
<p>"See, that wasn't so-" Virgil stopped in surprise and stared at him. Roman stared back, only then realizing he'd started to cry. "What the hell? Why are you crying?"</p>
<p>"I don't know!" Roman snapped, turning away to wipe his eyes. "It's not my fault!"</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?"</p>
<p>"It's not like I'm crying on purpose! I hardly ever cry!" he insisted, as the tears continued to flow. "I'm just angry and upset, okay?"</p>
<p>"Okay, okay, sorry." Virgil sighed, gently touching Roman's shoulder. "I thought you were crying about saying sorry or something, okay?"</p>
<p>"I don't know," Roman said again, leaning his head against the fridge he was in front of. "I don't know anything. I don't even know how to be a good person, and I hate it. I hate that I can't help but see the worst in everything, and I hate that I'm crying, alright?"</p>
<p>"Crying isn't a bad thing," Virgil mumbled softly.</p>
<p>"For you, maybe." Roman winced at his own accusatory tone and tried to control his voice. "For me, crying is always a bad thing."</p>
<p>"Are you guys okay...?" Roman grit his teeth when Patton's voice came from the kitchen doorway. Why was he here? Why was Virgil's hand still on his shoulder? Why was Roman in this house instead of a morgue?</p>
<p>"I am," Virgil replied to his friend. "Roman?"</p>
<p>"What do you think, smartass?" Roman sighed and buried his face in his hands. "Sorry."</p>
<p>"I mean, I deserved that one," Virgil admitted, laughing lightly. "You're obviously not."</p>
<p>"Do you want a hug?" Roman's head shot up and he stared at the short, adorable, incredibly skinny boy that had crossed to stand next to them. God, had he done that? Had Roman's comments really made Patton hate his body enough to do that to himself? </p>
<p>"What?" Roman asked incredulously, finally managing to stem the flow of tears and breathe deeply again. "Why would you want to hug me?"</p>
<p>"Cuz you're sad." Patton mumbled, avoiding his gaze. Roman sighed, closing his eyes. "Do you want one?"</p>
<p>"I don't deserve one." Roman pointed out. In response, Patton wrapped his arms around Roman's chest and hugged him tightly. By the time he let go, Roman thought his head was going to explode in confusion. He'd had hugs before, of course. From Virgil's Ma last night and from his father when the man needed to act like a good person. But that was... wow.</p>
<p>"You'll be okay," Patton promised softly, offering a shining smile. Roman opened his eyes to see Virgil staring pointedly at him, then Patton, and he winced.</p>
<p>"Patton," He felt that awful, guilty, remorseful feeling take over again and looked at the floor. "I... I'm dreadfully sorry for any pain I've caused you. I am not careful with my words, and I know it. I didn't care to think about you or your feelings, I never even cared to realize that I didn't care. So I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"It's okay," Patton said in a little sing-song voice. Roman stared at him.</p>
<p>"No it's not!" he cried, throwing his hands in the air. "I hurt you, Patton! I hurt so many people, and I didn't even care! I enjoyed it!"</p>
<p>"You don't look like you enjoyed it." Patton pointed out, gesturing to Roman's tear-stained face. Roman groaned, looking to Virgil for support. Virgil just chuckled.</p>
<p>"Don't expect everyone to be such a ball of sunshine as Patton," he warned. "Some people genuinely hate you."</p>
<p>"Thanks," Roman asked grumpily, collapsing back into the chair he'd been sitting in.</p>
<p>"You'll be okay," Patton promised in his soft little voice - though soft was just one word to describe it. It was powerful and seemed to drill into Roman's head more than his fathers' yells had ever done.</p>
<p>But how could Patton know if he was going to be okay or not? Right now, it felt like the only thing Roman was going to be was a complete disaster.</p>
<p>Despite that, Patton did sound sure. He sounded positive. And the confidence in his voice made Roman wonder if he was right - maybe things really were going to be okay.</p>
<p>Maybe.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SO Yeah, As I said before, this isn't really the 'end' of the story. But for the foreseeable future, that's all I'm going to write because this IS a one-shot book and I write too many two-parters XD.</p>
<p>As always, feel free to comment and DON'T be afraid to request anything! I think I'll be posting a separate part in a few minutes about what I an and am not comfortable writing just because I can.</p>
<p>Anyway, yeah! For those of you that are interested, a new video is going up on my Youtube channel (search Coby Thinks) today if you want to get to know me (the author) a little better, I'd love if you checked that out.</p>
<p>And there we go!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Matched Set</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally Posted August 30, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: self deprecation, self hatred, self harm, enabling of self harm (by Remus), cruelty (by Remus), morally grey Remus, kinda dark/twisted creativitwins brotherly relationship, could be considered suicide attempt</p>
<p>Roman isn't okay (big surprise)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman stared miserably into the mirror, hating the bags beneath his eyes, the way his hair was not doing anything he wanted, and the way the image seemed to shift between that of his own and that of his brother. He knew Remus wasn't here - really - but he couldn't help but look behind him. He was alone - as usual.</p>
<p>At least he was until Remus burst into the room and flashed a sickly grin over at him. Roman sighed, closing his eyes.</p>
<p>"Well hello!" Remus's voice was nasally and high - Roman couldn't help but wonder if the others found him as irritating as he did Remus. "How's the head, brother?"</p>
<p>"What do you want, Remus?" Roman sighed, reaching up to rub the bruise on the back of his head. "Haven't you done enough? You embarrassed me in front of the others, not to mention you freaked Virgil out. What more do you want?"</p>
<p>"Oh, you care too much!" Remus waved a hand, leaning on Roman's shoulder. Roman pushed him off. "And obviously you're wrong - because Thomas still likes you more than he likes me. He never listens to a word I say, you know that?"</p>
<p>"Thank goodness," Roman muttered.</p>
<p>"I am right, though." Remus turned and grinned cruelly at him. Roman stared back, exhausted. "Too much of you, and Thomas will get sick. Sick of your drama and your ideas and he'll come to me for ideas, right?"</p>
<p>"Wrong," Roman replied, though he couldn't help but worry. Remus laughed, slapping Roman 'casually' on the head - in the same place he'd hit him earlier. Roman winced, pushing his brother away.</p>
<p>"Besides, it's not my fault you stayed knocked out that long." Remus pointed out, looking with distaste around Roman's room. "It's like Logan said - I can't do anything unless you let me. Guess that makes you pathetic or something, right?"</p>
<p>"Get out of my room," Roman muttered, glaring daggers at him. Remus rolled his eyes, wrapping an arm around Roman's shoulders.</p>
<p>"Oh come ON, Roman. I'm only trying to help you." he sighed loudly. "It's not as if you're going to take any of my advice anyway, so why do you care if I talk and talk until my tongue falls out?" Roman winced at the squelching noise near his ear.</p>
<p>"That's disgusting," Roman muttered, trying to pull out of Remus's grip. But it seemed to be tighter than ever, like iron. "Let go of me."</p>
<p>"We weren't always like this, you know." Remus continued, dramatically mournfully. "We used to be friends, remember that? Remember when you always at least listened to what I had to say?"</p>
<p>"No." Roman lied, glaring over his shoulder at the other. "Go away."</p>
<p>"You know it doesn't work like that." Remus cackled. "I won't leave unless I want to. Now, what were you up to when I got here?"</p>
<p>"That doesn't matter." Roman finally managed to pry himself from his brothers' grip - or maybe Remus let go of him on purpose. He stumbled away and grimaced, rubbing his shoulders. "Why did you even come here? Aren't you usually too busy with the dark sides?"</p>
<p>"Too busy for my own brother?" Remus laughed again, waving his hand as if to dismiss the idea. "Roman, you know I love spending time with you!"</p>
<p>"Well, I don't love spending time with you!" Roman snarled, whirling around to face him. Remus's eyes widened in surprise. "In fact, I really hate it when you're around!"</p>
<p>"Ah." Remus seemed to deflate a bit, head tilted to one side.</p>
<p>"It's your fault we're like this." Roman continued, pointing a finger into his brother's chest. "If you could just control yourself, or think before you speak, then maybe I wouldn't hate you so much!" Remus stared at him, slowly melting away until Roman was faced once again with his reflection, staring wide-eyed at the finger he had pointed at himself.</p>
<p>Roman's breath caught and he gasped, tears springing to his eyes. He pressed a hand over his mouth to try and stop himself from crying - but he couldn't.</p>
<p>He did. He really did hate himself. He hated everything about himself that he knew was similar to Remus. He'd been cruel to the others so many times, and he'd ignored their words, and he'd come up with ideas that they didn't find doable or realistic. They really were the same, weren't they? No matter how hard Roman tried, he'd always just be part of a matched set.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Remus sat cross-legged on his brothers' bed while Roman had his breakdown - twirling a small dagger through his fingers and not caring as it cut into his skin. Roman was correct, after all. They were more like each other than either of them would like - and Remus wasn't fond of that either. But he was here for his brother, which is more than Roman had ever been for him.</p>
<p>When Roman turned and saw him sitting there he froze, but Remus just looked at him. He looked at the way Roman's left-handed fingers brushed at his right arm and shoulder, probably without Roman even noticing it. He twirled the dagger one last time, catching the blade so he could hold the handle out to his brother. Roman stared at him, tears rolling down his face.</p>
<p>"You can't lie to me, Roman," Remus said easily as the blade cut into his skin. "I know exactly what you were about to do."</p>
<p>Roman pulled off his shirt and accepted the dagger silently, tears still streaming down his face. Remus's eyes skated over the scars on his brother's body. Remnants of battles with dragons, and evil wizards, and beasts. Reminders of every time the two of them had fought each other. Rows on his arms of pale lines - of times Roman did this with and without Remus there beside him.</p>
<p>Roman sank onto the bed next to Remus, knuckles white around the handle of the knife. Remus just watched him, eyebrows raised. Roman couldn't die - as he was a figment of Thomas's imagination. But he could feel pain if he believed he was in pain.</p>
<p>That was one thing Remus had never understood about Roman's self-destructive habits. Eventually, it had to stop hurting. Once he realized that he wouldn't run out of blood and die, he'd stop being affected by it. But it had been years, and still Roman did it.</p>
<p>He'd done it since the split was complete - and Remus half wondered if Roman missed the painful experience of them ripping apart. It had been excruciating, even for Remus - who never really felt pain.</p>
<p>And now Roman continued the ritual Remus had watched and wanted to stop so many times before, but had eventually realized that fighting Roman only made him get more hurt. So he waited while Roman cut himself open, deep enough that blood spilled down his arm in amounts that - for a human - would be lethal.</p>
<p>Roman didn't like the sight of blood - and Remus always just waited until he passed out at what he'd done. It happened again - like it always did - and Remus waved a hand to summon a roll of bandages. He wrapped Roman's tortured arm gently, making sure that he trusted his own hands. He always did - but this was more important to get right.</p>
<p>His work was finished - work Remus really didn't have a good reason for doing, given all that Roman had done and said to him in retaliation for the split. But still, Remus tucked the dagger into his belt and gathered up the last of the bandages, folded Roman's shirt and placed it on the dresser, and made sure his twin was comfortable.</p>
<p>After he was sure it was all as Roman would want it - as perfectionistic as he was - Remus sank out and into his own room in the dark sides half of the mindscape. It was an exact mirror of Roman's bedroom - complete with a full-length mirror and a large four-poster bed. Remus tossed the bandages and dagger into the mess strewn across his floor - one thing different from Roman's immaculate room - and flopped onto his bed.</p>
<p>Roman really was an idiot, wasn't he?</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman woke a few hours later, staring with regret at the bandages around his arm. They'd been put there by Remus - who for some reason always healed Roman with the same hands he injured him with. Who tried his best - because it wasn't his fault he was the way he was. Who didn't deserve to have such an awful twin as Roman.</p>
<p>Well, Roman didn't deserve Remus either, but here they were.</p>
<p>A matched set, one seemingly dark and one seemingly light. Roman wasn't sure who was who, at this point. But he had to admit, he was glad at least Remus still cared about him.</p>
<p>At least that was someone.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>OUch. I know y'all COME to this fic SPECIFICALLY for angst - but oUCH. I'm not super good at writing Remus yet (haven't seen a lot of him) so I'll get better, I promise. and I won't always have him feel the same way toward Roman as he does in this fic  - so all those others who requested, don't worry. You'll get your whump. </p>
<p>Thanks for reading, I really hope you enjoyed this!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Keeping Quiet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally Posted September 2, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: self deprecation, self hatred, self harm (ish, not cutting), Neutral Remus, Neutral Deceit, cognitive distortions, blood, illness, self-inflicted illness, magic used for self harm, fusing (like Steven Universe), non consensual Fusing, food mentions</p>
<p>Roman thinks it would be better if he just didn't talk ever again</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>'Roman, enough!'</em>
</p>
<p>Roman stared down into his warped reflection - warped because it was on the surface of a glass bottle. Like the ones you'd often see with a message in a cartoon or an old fashioned soda bottle. The bottle aside, he was torn two ways. On one hand, this would be excruciatingly painful, and he'd hate every minute of his life afterward. On the other hand, the others wouldn't have to be annoyed by him so much, they wouldn't always tell him to stop talking, and Roman wouldn't inadvertently insult them like he kept doing.</p>
<p>
  <em>'Pump the brakes, Princey!'</em>
</p>
<p>Really, Roman figured as he stared down into the bottle, there was no question about what he was going to do. His mind had been made up as soon as he stepped into the imagination, bottle in hand. Sure - he could do this in his room - but that would risk the others hearing his pain, and it would be more difficult as Roman's powers weren't quite as strong outside of this part of Thomas's mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>'Can you be quiet for one second, Creativity? One second of your life?'</em>
</p>
<p>Roman sat cross-legged on the sand and took a deep breath, humming softly before he started to sing. Just Disney songs, floating across the open air. Songs he knew by heart - and would never be able to sing again after today. Bit by bit, Roman felt his voice fading away as the bottle in his hand glowed. Pain coursed through him and it felt like his chest was being ripped apart, bits of gold light escaping his lips as he tried his best to keep singing through the pain. Eventually, he couldn't and a sob ripped from his throat with one final burst of golden light.</p>
<p>And then it was silent.</p>
<p>Silent except for the waves lapping at the shore he sat on, and the distant cawing of seagulls. Silent even as he sobbed, clutching his chest, a small trail of blood from his mouth. The bottle sat on the sand in front of him, filled with the golden light. He managed to compose himself and summon a cork, sealing the bottle tightly before dropping the bottle onto the sand and staggering to his feet, tears still rolling down his face.</p>
<p>He did it. God - it hurt. Roman tried to make a sound - any sound - but found it was impossible. He did it. So Roman turned away from the bottle - still sitting on the sand, and walked a few yards away before sinking out of the imagination.</p>
<p>It didn't follow him - he knew it wouldn't but he couldn't help but worry. Roman wiped the blood from his face and took a breath, looking at the clock to see that he'd been in the imagination for hours.</p>
<p>A prick of doubt made it's way into Roman's mind as his chest seized, making him cough violently. Was that a good idea? What if- no. It was what he had to do. It would make everything better - he knew it would. He would be better, and the others would like him better like this.</p>
<p>
  <em>'Wanna take a little break from talking, kiddo?'</em>
</p>
<p>The coughing - though unfortunately not silent as it drove strangled hacking noises from his lips - abided and Roman stood straighter, running a hand through his hair to check the mirror before leaving his room. He looked fine. He was fine. Everything was fine.</p>
<p>"Roman - you home yet?" Patton asked cheerfully, knocking on the door.</p>
<p>Roman hurriedly wiped the blood from his lips and went to the door, opening it to beam.</p>
<p>"Yay!" Patton wrapped him in a hug - god, Roman just wanted to stay in that hug. But he let go all too soon.</p>
<p>Patton stepped back and tilted his head, eyes shining. Roman worried for a moment he'd seen something different, but no.</p>
<p>"Dinner's just about ready, kiddo! Logan and Virgil are already waiting for us!" Roman opened his mouth to apologize, then closed it and smiled when he remembered he couldn't talk, and followed Patton down to the kitchen.</p>
<p>Dinner felt incredibly awkward, there were long silences where Roman knew he would generally have been talking their heads off about something or other. During those, he kept his gaze fixed on the plate in front of him - it was delicious, as always - and either Patton or Logan or Virgil always spoke up about something after a few minutes.</p>
<p>Not speaking was incredibly painful - even though he couldn't if he tried. Trying would just make the others confused, and he'd look like a complete idiot. Roman just used eating as an excuse to not speak, taking a bite and smiling apologetically every time someone addressed him. Eventually, they seemed to get the hint and stopped pulling him into the conversation. For some reason, that just made Roman feel worse.</p>
<p>
  <em>'We don't need your input right now, Princey.'</em>
</p>
<p>Roman finished eating quickly and rinsed off his plate before sinking out - not even taking the stairs like usual. He just wanted to get out of there. He could feel their stares on him as he left - and Roman wondered what they were thinking.</p>
<p>They were undoubtedly happy - it had been such a calm and quiet conversation. Perhaps confused, but they'd get used to him not talking after a few days.</p>
<p>Roman rose up in his room and winced, chest tightening painfully again. He coughed into his fist - trying to keep the sound as quiet as possible. Despite wanting to be silent - he couldn't help but feel relieved to hear some kind of noise from his own person. If only he could have stopped talking to them without losing his voice completely - even though he knew it wouldn't work.</p>
<p>He'd tried. He'd been trying for ages to stop rambling, stop insulting, trying to tone down his contributions. He never managed it - he was too weak and useless to force himself to stop talking. It was infuriating.</p>
<p>
  <em>'Can you stop being annoying for one second?'</em>
</p>
<p>Roman flopped onto his bed and buried his face in the pillow, trying to breathe calmer. This was fine. This is what they wanted. This is what everyone wanted.</p>
<p>"Roman, you okay kiddo?" Patton knocked softly on the door. Roman didn't answer - he couldn't. He just closed his eyes and wished Patton would go away. "You were pretty quiet at dinner..."</p>
<p>After a few more minutes, Patton sighed and left, wishing Roman a good night. Roman rolled onto his back, face shining with tears, and wondered what Patton would say if he found out what Roman had done.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Virgil was getting annoyed. Roman was being a dick - not that he wasn't rude all the time - but this was worse. He was giving them the silent treatment. He still talked to Thomas - Thomas still got ideas and creative thoughts and everything was fine. Roman just refused to speak to the rest of them.</p>
<p>What had they done to deserve that? Nothing! They'd been perfectly civil to Roman this whole time and Roman still refused to talk to them. He made Patton cry - though Patton never did it in front of Roman. Virgil knew Logan was hurt, but the logical side didn't voice his opinion on the matter. Virgil... he was just worried. More anxious by the day.</p>
<p>Was it his fault Roman was upset? Was Roman mad at all of them, or Virgil specifically? What was Virgil supposed to do in order to get Roman to talk to them again?</p>
<p>Virgil sighed, standing outside of Roman's room.</p>
<p>It had been over a week. Roman hadn't spoken to them in over a week.</p>
<p>He knocked.</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>No answer.</p>
<p>"Roman, it's Virgil," Virgil said, trying the doorknob. It was locked. "Roman!" Still nothing, but he could hear Roman's breathing inside.</p>
<p>Virgil sighed, then sank down. He'd just have to get Roman to talk another way.</p>
<p>"Thomas!" He said, making Thomas jump.</p>
<p>"Wh- what was that for?" Thomas asked, catching the dish he'd almost dropped. "I'm just washing the dishes!"</p>
<p>"I know." Virgil sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.</p>
<p>"...are you okay?"</p>
<p>"No, I'm stressed." Virgil snapped. "Just... can you please call Roman for me? He won't talk to any of us, and I just.. I need to figure out what's wrong with him but he's ignoring me."</p>
<p>"Oh." Thomas put down the bowl and nodded. And in a moment, Roman rose up in his place, not looking surprised at all. "Hey Roman."</p>
<p>Roman said nothing, glancing between Thomas and Virgil. Virgil scowled.</p>
<p>"What, are you ignoring Thomas now, too?" Roman shook his head. "What is up with you? You won't talk to any of us and you're making Patton worried, and I... I'm just upset." Virgil snapped.</p>
<p>"Roman...?" Thomas looked at the princely trait worriedly. "Is that true?" Roman hesitated, then nodded slowly. "Are you mad at us?" he shook his head. "I can hear you in my thoughts, Ro. You're still you, so why aren't you talking to the others?"</p>
<p>"Because he's an asshole." Virgil snapped, feeling a wave of anger crash over him. Thomas's eyes widened in surprise. "Roman, what the hell is wrong with you? In what world do you think not talking to us will solve anything? What did I do? What did Patton do? What was so freaking awful that it made you, Mr. loudmouth, stop talking?"</p>
<p>"Virgil!"</p>
<p>"I'm serious, Thomas." Virgil insisted. "He hasn't said a word to anyone but you in over a week, and now he won't even talk to you!" He turned back to Roman, only to see Roman sinking out with - surprisingly - tears rolling down his face. "Shit."</p>
<p>"Virgil, why were you so mad at him?" Thomas asked, baffled. Virgil groaned, rubbing his eyes.</p>
<p>"I'm stressed out and anxious!" he hissed. "Roman's been freaking me out all week, and I just... I didn't intend to make him that upset."</p>
<p>"Should we go see what it's about?" Thomas asked, summoning Logan and Patton - who both seemed to know exactly what had happened. "Where would he be now?"</p>
<p>"He uh..." Patton rubbed his neck and sighed. "Roman went to the imagination - he's been there a lot lately. We can't ... go there without him letting us."</p>
<p>"Even with me?" Thomas asked, surprised.</p>
<p>"You crazy? You would lose all sight of reality if you tried to force yourself into pure imagination!" Virgil snapped. Then groaned, burying his face in his hands. "F-frick. Sorry."</p>
<p>"Okay, okay..." Thomas held out his hands, wishing he could physically comfort Virgil. "So what do we do? If we can't go find him...?"</p>
<p>"Well, you could try and summon him again," Logan said. "But he does have the ability to refuse being summoned. And after what I assume was a confrontation, he probably will."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Virgil groaned. "This is my fault, I got mad at him. But I'm just... I am mad at him. He's ignoring us, and he won't even give us a good reason for it."</p>
<p>"Is that why I've been so emotional this week?" Thomas asked, glancing between Patton and Virgil. Patton winced.</p>
<p>"We've been trying not to affect you too much, Thomas. It's not your fault, after all."</p>
<p>"Yeah, well," Thomas folded his arms to think for a moment. "Guess we just have to wait for him to get back."</p>
<p>"We'll wait outside his room," Logan suggested. "Once he's returned, one of us will alert Thomas, who will bring us to Roman's room. It's not as bad as the pure imagination, so as long as we don't stay too long, you should be alright."</p>
<p>"Okay." Thomas nodded, offering them all a smile of encouragement. "We'll figure out what's wrong, alright? This is Princey we're talking about."</p>
<p>"Yeah." Virgil smiled fondly, sinking out to sit by Roman's door. "Well, I'll let you know."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman stumbled through the grass, trying his best to silence the choked sobs erupting from his lungs. They sounded more like gasps - as that wasn't his voice but was the air moving in and out of him.</p>
<p>What did they want?</p>
<p>What did any of them want?</p>
<p>They wanted him to shut up, they told him that all the time. So why did Virgil yell at him for not talking? Why were they so angry?</p>
<p>He just didn't understand.</p>
<p>Roman held a hand over his mouth, trying to regain control over his breathing. Blood trickled past his lips - as it had a habit of doing since he removed his voice. The coughing had only gotten worse when he wasn't in the imagination, and now it was starting to happen to him here, as well.</p>
<p>Roman found his feet leading him to the beach, a long stretch of sand near the ocean - spreading out over the horizon.</p>
<p>He stumbled through the sand, eyes searching for the golden glow of the magic or the glint of the bottle in the sunlight.</p>
<p>It wasn't there.</p>
<p>He knew the imagination like the back of his hand, and he knew right where he'd left the bottle. It was gone.</p>
<p>The tide hadn't taken it - as he didn't have enough energy to make the tide happen recently. He could still see the indent on the sand where it had fallen. But it was gone.</p>
<p>Footprints he knew weren't his own walked away from the spot, and Roman's heart plummeted.</p>
<p>Only one other person could enter the imagination without him knowing.</p>
<p>And if Remus had taken the bottle, well, Roman could say goodbye to ever speaking again.</p>
<p>That had been the initial plan, yeah. But now, he just wanted it back so he could explain. Apologize. Make things right with Virgil and Patton and Thomas. And Logan - though he didn't know if Logan cared.</p>
<p>Roman sank out of the imagination, immediately bending over in pain as his chest seized, drawing choked coughs from his lips.</p>
<p>Moments later, before he had any time to fix himself up, the others arrived. Thomas, Virgil, Patton, and yes even Logan rose up and stared in surprise as he struggled to breathe.</p>
<p>"ROMAN?" Virgil's voice was overlaid in the 'tempest tongue'.</p>
<p>"Roman, what's going on?" Thomas asked, eyes just as wide.</p>
<p>Roman shook his head, trying to speak but only causing himself more pain as blood welled up in his mouth. He turned away, pressing a hand to his mouth in an attempt to hide it.</p>
<p>"Is Deceit doing this to you?" Logan asked instantly. Roman winced, but before he could try and answer, the snake-like side had risen up as well.</p>
<p>"You called- oh dear." he looked at Roman's situation with disgust. "You are looking quite wonderful today, Roman."</p>
<p>Roman shook his head, wiping the blood from his face as he turned back around, avoiding their eyes.</p>
<p>"Roman, I don't know what's going on, but-"</p>
<p>Thomas stopped talking when Roman pulled together the last of his strength, replaying the clip from the little mermaid in Thomas's memories. The one where her voice is pulled from her mouth - much like what Roman had done to himself.</p>
<p>He stumbled after it played, and caught himself on the dresser in an attempt to stand upright, coughing violently.</p>
<p>"What was that?" Thomas asked, freaking out.</p>
<p>"... a sea witch stole your voice?" Logan asked incredulously.</p>
<p>Roman shook his head, wishing he could just explain.</p>
<p>"Someone stole your voice?" Patton tried.</p>
<p>Roman tried to make a so-so gesture with his hand but then had to pull it back as his chest tightened with pain.</p>
<p>Against his will, a few memories of them telling him to be quiet echoed around Roman's room, and he tried his best to silence them. But with how weak he was feeling, it was impossible.</p>
<p>"Roman." Logan stared at him, the first to realize what was happening. "You... removed your voice?"</p>
<p>"You can do that?" Thomas's eyes widened. "Like, your vocal cords?"</p>
<p>"More like, magic," Logan said, obviously not thrilled with the answer. "Roman has magic, as magic was a big part of your imagination growing up. And it appears he..." Logan gestured to Roman, who was still struggling to breathe. "Attempted to do what Ursula did in the movie 'The Little Mermaid', and remove it completely."</p>
<p>"How pleasant." Deceit said, a look of disgust still on his face.</p>
<p>"That's not an idea Roman would have." Thomas protested. "That's, awful! And look at him now! This seems like some kind of dark... something Remus would do."</p>
<p>At his words, Roman was pushed to the side as Remus rose up beside him, smiling gleefully. Roman grimaced, grabbing Remus's shoulder to stay upright. As much as he hated his brother, he did not want to pass out right now.</p>
<p>"Great butts and toe jams!" Remus gasped, a hand flying to his mouth. "You actually wanted to see me?"</p>
<p>"No, I did not," Thomas said, averting his eyes.</p>
<p>"Remus... did you help Roman with this?" Virgil demanded, gesturing to Roman - who had regained control of his lungs but was very exhausted. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up.</p>
<p>"Of course not!" Remus laughed as if it were hilarious.</p>
<p>"...really?" Thomas asked incredulously.</p>
<p>"Remus doesn't lie," Logan said, adjusting his glasses. "Which means Roman did this himself. Is it possible he didn't know of the... disturbing outcome to the spell he used?"</p>
<p>"Oh, a lust potion perhaps?" Remus cackled gleefully. "Which of you did Roman bend over and-"</p>
<p>"Anyway," Deceit held up a hand and Remus covered his mouth, still speaking but it was muffled. "Roman, is what Logan thinks accurate?"</p>
<p>Roman nodded despite himself, eyebrows furrowed as he did so. Of course, he knew Deceit could keep them silent. And Thomas had the right to know whatever he wanted. Roman just wished he could say it out loud.</p>
<p>"So what are we supposed to do?" Patton asked. </p>
<p>Roman shook his head as the voices around him grew foggier. No. He had to stay awake, he had to be okay, he had to...</p>
<p>The discussion came to a screeching halt when Roman slipped from his place leaning on Remus's shoulder, thumping to the ground.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Thomas panicked, pulling all of them out to the mindscape commons instead of Roman's room. Roman still lay on the floor - unconscious as he coughed in his sleep.</p>
<p>"Okay, someone needs to explain this!" Virgil said, still in his tempest tongue. "How do we fix him?"</p>
<p>Patton helped Thomas get Roman onto the couch, into a much more comfortable position.</p>
<p>"The only person who would know that is Roman himself," Logan said, looking down at the sleeping form.</p>
<p>"Correct." Deceit cleared his throat. "Actually, Thomas. Your <em>creativity </em>knows. As we all know Roman is the entirety of that, well," he unhappily looked over at Remus, who tore his hand from his mouth.</p>
<p>"Roman would not like to hear you say such a thing!" He cackled. "Deceit wants me to fuse with Roman! Yuck!"</p>
<p>"Fuse? Like Steven Universe?" Thomas asked, looking disgusted by the very idea.</p>
<p>"Just so Remus can tell us how to help. And give Roman more energy." Logan said, looking at Remus coldly.</p>
<p>"Roman would not want to fuse with me!" Remus insisted. "I'm pretty toxic."</p>
<p>"He will combat your... figurative toxicity." Logan adjusted his glasses. "But to stop Roman from fading out as a corporeal side entirely, we have to do this."</p>
<p>"Fading Out," Remus repeated, eyes falling down to Roman's face. "Fine! I'll do it, but if he gets mad at us let it be known that this was not my idea!"</p>
<p>"Noted." Thomas nodded, watching in worried curiosity as Remus started twerking toward Roman.</p>
<p>"Oh my god." Virgil covered his eyes.</p>
<p>After a few moments and few horrifically sexual dance moves, a flash of golden light flooded Thomas's living room.</p>
<p>The king woke up with a groan of exhaustion.</p>
<p>"Wow, he was tired." he rubbed his forehead, scowling slightly. What was going on? He was talking? The king slapped a hand over his mouth, but the other hand reached up and pushed it away.</p>
<p>"Wh- you fused with me?" He yelled, stumbling to his feet. The others and Thomas stood watching, obviously taken aback. "I told you-" a gasp of pain escaped the kings' lips as his abdomen cramped.</p>
<p>"...guys?"</p>
<p>"Gah, what did you do to yourself?" the king demanded, coughing into his hands. Two of them, at least.</p>
<p>"Okay, this is weird, but we need to figure out how to help... Roman." Thomas spoke, drawing the kings attention to him. Guilt and worry-filled him at the same time, and the fusion wavered.</p>
<p>"Hold it together!" he snapped at himself, grabbing his arms in another of his hands.</p>
<p>"Roman...." the king hesitated, memories flashing through his mind. "Oh dear, guess he was not as happy as you'd want him to be! I mean..." the king winced as he spoke his mind accidentally.</p>
<p>"No freaking duh." Virgil snarled. "How do we help him?"</p>
<p>"Well, the only way to do that would be to get his voice back." the king sighed. "But it vanished, as someone thinks that finding a random bottle filled with golden magical light on the beach means you can move it somewhere impossible to find."</p>
<p>"What beach?" Thomas asked incredulously.</p>
<p>"Roman left it on a beach in the imagination." the king explained. "Ohh, yeah that's what that was..." the fusion flickered again, starting to come undone. "This is not working. Roman, can you please just-"</p>
<p>"NO!" the king screamed, then tumbled apart.</p>
<p>Roman fell, but Remus caught him before he could hit his head on the coffee table.</p>
<p>"So that's what was in that bottle." he chuckled, letting Roman sit on the couch, still barely conscious.</p>
<p>"Are you serious?" Virgil asked, staring at him in disbelief. "You didn't think finding a bottle of magic was weird?"</p>
<p>"It's the imagination!" Remus protested. "A lot of stuff happens there that you guys wouldn't understand."</p>
<p>"I don't like the tone you're using," Thomas said, disgusted. Remus shrugged, scratching his ear.</p>
<p>"So where is the bottle?" Logan asked, bringing their attention back to the problem at hand.</p>
<p>"Oh, it's in my room!" Remus cackled. "I'll go get it." he sank down, and the others looked around worriedly. Deceit just looked tired of dealing with all their crap, which was valid, but he stuck around until Remus rose up again, a bottle filled with golden light in his hands.</p>
<p>Not only was there golden light, but there seemed to be numerous liquids staining the outside. Blood, and some things no one wanted to imagine.</p>
<p>"It was on my bottle shelf," Remus explained, trying to rub the blood away. "I have a lot of bottles."</p>
<p>"Well, how are we supposed to do this?" Virgil asked unhappily, still sending glares to Remus and Deceit every now and then.</p>
<p>"This is going to look really gross." Remus walked over to sit next to Roman, who was once again unconscious.</p>
<p>"In what way?" Thomas asked warily.</p>
<p>"Oh calm down, I don't want to do anything like what you're thinking. He's my brother, and he disgusts me." Remus snapped. Uncorked the bottle, putting his thumb over the hole to keep the light inside until he pulled Roman roughly down so his head was in Remus's lap.</p>
<p>"What are you-"</p>
<p>"He is going to scream," Remus said, then dumped the bottle over Roman's open mouth before they could stop him.</p>
<p>And sure enough, he did. Screams of pain echoed through the mindscape when the light disappeared into Roman. Tears rolled down his face and a final fit of coughing hacked up a dark red mist - which Remus cheerfully collected in the bottle.</p>
<p>"That... was really gross." Thomas agreed, looking faintly sick. "Did it work?"</p>
<p>"Probably." Remus nodded, pushing Roman off of him to stand up. Roman flopped back onto the couch, breathing heavily as if he was just learning how. "I want to put this in pride of place on the shelf!"</p>
<p>And Remus was gone. Deceit left soon after, meeting Virgil's eyes in a glaring contest as he sank to his bedroom.</p>
<p>Thomas and the others made Roman comfortable and settled down to wait for him to wake up. They had a lot of questions.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman had gotten used to the pain waking him up. So much, that it stopped waking him in the middle of the night. So now, he wondered what the incredibly powerful sensation was that stirred him from sleep. When he realized, it was not what he expected.</p>
<p>It was the absence of pain.</p>
<p>Roman forced his eyes open, taking a few deep breaths to find it didn't hurt like hell to do it. He was on the couch in the mindscape commons - Virgil was sitting by his feet on the end of the couch, and he could hear others behind them in the kitchen.</p>
<p>Roman sat up, rubbing his head as he tried to remember what happened.</p>
<p>Oh yeah, they fused. He grimaced at the thought, and his eyes widened when a sound of disgust fell from his lips.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Virgil tackled him in a hug. "You fucking asshole, don't scare people like that!"</p>
<p>"Wh-what?" tears welled up in Roman's eyes when he spoke - voice raspy and soft.</p>
<p>"He's awake!"</p>
<p>Within moments, Roman was surrounded by the others. Logan, Patton, Thomas. How long had Thomas been in the mindscape?</p>
<p>"I didn't stay the whole time," Thomas said as he felt Roman's worry. "I actually just got back a minute ago."</p>
<p>"Right," Roman said, not daring to speak louder than the whisper he was using.</p>
<p>They went through all that to make him talk again - but he knew that they would want him to shut up eventually. As soon as he started talking like he so desperately wanted to the past week, they'd be annoyed again. Roman pulled away from Virgil's embrace, getting shakily to his feet.</p>
<p>"Roman, you should rest," Patton said worriedly. "You went through a lot."</p>
<p>"I'm fine," Roman said softly, combing his hair back with his hands. "I-I'll get out of... I'll get out of your way, n-now.."</p>
<p>"What?" Virgil was on his feet in an instant. "Sit down! Right now!" Roman sat, surprised by how much he just wanted to please them. He always had, but he generally didn't take those kinds of orders.</p>
<p>"We need to talk." Thomas said as they all settled down on the floor and couch around him. Roman's head fell back onto the back of the couch, tears welling up in his eyes.</p>
<p>"No we don't." he insisted.</p>
<p>"When we were in your room..." Thomas sighed. "A few memories played that I don't think you intended."</p>
<p>"Does it matter?" Roman asked, trying his best to keep from crying. "It won't change anything, you know. Soon enough, I'll just annoy you again. I'll just insult you again, and you'll decide I never really changed."</p>
<p>"We don't want you to hurt yourself like that," Patton said tearfully. Roman looked at him, feeling guilty. "You could never annoy us, Roman! We love you so much, I..."</p>
<p>"Yeah, I could. And I do." Roman shook his head. "You guys know I'm annoying."</p>
<p>"Okay, yes." Thomas sighed. "Sometimes, you talk more than we'd like. But you're doing your best, and we know it. We just... don't think sometimes and we tell you to be quiet. That doesn't mean you have to... do that."</p>
<p>"Roman, if I may," Logan adjusted his glasses. "Do you remember when we discussed cognitive distortions?"</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"Overgeneralization is another of those distortions. As is jumping to conclusions. You were overgeneralizing the times when we did want you to tone it down a bit, assuming that we wanted you to be silent all the time. That is not the case, and we will try harder to be more clear with you in what we need, as I do with the duke. It did not occur to me that you may have the same kind of thought process as he." Roman frowned.</p>
<p>"I'm not like Remus," he muttered.</p>
<p>"No, you are not." Logan smiled. "That doesn't mean your thoughts don't work in the same way. What matters is the thoughts you have."</p>
<p>"I suppose you're right." Roman reached up to wipe his eyes, sighing softly. "I apologize for... distressing you all like that. I thought you would be happy having less of my noise."</p>
<p>"Do you think that now?" Thomas asked.</p>
<p>"Seeing as how you were all very upset," Roman chuckled bitterly, sitting up a bit straighter. "No."</p>
<p>"So... are you going to be okay?" Roman looked up at Thomas's worried gaze.</p>
<p>"I'll try my best to think my thoughts more carefully," he promised. "And if need be, I will try and clarify your intentions. Given the agony that the spell was the first time..." he rubbed his chest absently. "I don't think I'll be trying that again."</p>
<p>Roman found himself buried in a hug, and while it did take a while for him to feel comfortable talking outright to them, he got better.</p>
<p>And he wondered why on earth Remus had helped them save him. But, Roman thought to himself when he found a gift in his room later that day, (A necklace of human bones, which he stowed in the top drawer of his dresser with the rest of Remus's presents.) That was a question to solve on another day.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SO yeah. That was that, and I absolutely LOVED writing that so thank you pidge0404 it was a blast to write. I'm working on the other requests as well, and they'll be out soon!</p>
<p>I hope you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading my stuff ^-^</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. The Other Side</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally Posted September 6, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: sad Roman, lotsa angst, self-deprecation, could be seen as manipulation (depending on which ending you read)</p>
<p>Roman hated it when he felt this way</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman hated it when he felt this way. When his chest tightened and he couldn't breathe. When tears rolled down his face no matter how hard he tried to stop them. When he just felt so angry and sad, and he couldn't do anything but wait for the feeling to pass.</p>
<p>It wasn't his fault he felt like this. They'd talked about that hundreds of times - maybe not in context to this - and he knew feeling things was not the same as being those things. The anger and sadness that washed over him, though, made him wonder if that was true.</p>
<p>Roman was Angry.</p>
<p>He was angry that Logan didn't like his ideas. He was angry that Thomas didn't listen to him. He was angry that Patton had separated him and Remus all those years ago. He was angry that Virgil couldn't see past his own ideas and know when to stop hating other people.</p>
<p>Roman was Sad.</p>
<p>He was sad that he and his brother were enemies. He was sad that everyone hated Deceit - who was the only person who seemed to genuinely understand where Roman was coming from. He was sad that he was stuck here, in this prison of a mind palace he'd made for himself, with no one to talk to or bounce ideas off of or rant to without being judged and berated for feeling that way.</p>
<p>Roman threw his sword down to the floor, a slight reprieve from his anger as the metal clanged on the ground, but the anger soon returned. The sadness and melancholy filled him and caused more tears to slip down his already soaking face.</p>
<p>He just wanted to stop feeling this way, but he couldn't. It was impossible.</p>
<p>"Oh Roman," Roman whirled around in surprise when Deceit rose up in his room.</p>
<p>"How did you get here?" Roman choked out, unsure if he should be mad or happy. He was too tired to try and hide his distress, and Deceit watched him with a sympathetic eye.</p>
<p>"You know it doesn't have to be this way." Deceit drawled softly, walking over to turn Roman around, facing a mirror, with Deceit's gloved hands on his shoulders. Roman stared at the reflection, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?" he asked hoarsely.</p>
<p>"You lied to yourself and brought me here." Deceit explained, gently wiping the tears from Roman's face. "You are so very unhappy, my prince."</p>
<p>"I can't change that," Roman muttered softly.</p>
<p>"Can't you?" Deceit raised an eyebrow, Roman turned again to face him. "You have more power than you realize, Roman."</p>
<p>"I can't change the fact that I feel like this!" Roman said angrily. "I can't change the fact that Remus hates me! I can't change the fact that I'm a failure, alright?"</p>
<p>"A failure?" Deceit looked genuinely upset by this. "Roman, whoever told you that you were a failure?"</p>
<p>"Everyone." Roman scoffed, pushing Deceit away. "I can't do what Thomas needs me to do, Deceit. That means I've failed!"</p>
<p>"You're thinking too logically." Deceit said, taking Roman's hands gently in his own. Roman scowled as he was pulled into a gentle waltz.</p>
<p>"What? No, I'm not!"</p>
<p>"Logan has corrupted your purpose." Deceit insisted. "Where is the boy I knew who learned from failure? From mistakes? The boy who would save anyone who needed saving, even himself? You're denying your purpose, Roman. And you're right that it isn't your fault."</p>
<p>"But what am I supposed to do?" Roman asked. Deceit's voice was calming, and he felt a little better. "I can't keep living like this."</p>
<p>"That's true." Deceit nodded. "But you don't have to, Roman. That's why I'm here. You mourn the relationship between you and your brother but do nothing to try and salvage it. You suffer under the touch of the light sides and yet you stay within their reach, letting them hold you back. You don't take care of yourself, my love. Isn't self-care important to you?"</p>
<p>"Yes, but-"</p>
<p>"Isn't self love the very mission you posed for yourself when the series first began?" Deceit pressed, pulling them into a faster-paced dance, the area shifting from Roman's room to a large ballroom, gentle music playing. "Isn't your quest a quest to learn how to care for yourself above all else?"</p>
<p>"But Thomas-"</p>
<p>"Thomas can still be creative with you away from them." Deceit reminded him softly. Roman pulled out of his arms, the dance coming to a halt. Deceit spread his gloved hands, eyebrows raised. "Come stay with us, Roman. You'll be close to Remus again, you won't have to suffer any longer."</p>
<p>Roman didn't know what to say. Deceit made good points, and he genuinely sounded like he wanted to help.</p>
<p>"We won't hate you for being yourself." Deceit was closer to him now, gently taking his hands once again. "Emotions cannot be controlled, Roman. We would let you express yourself however you may want. Illogical ideas and fantasies are lovely, and with dark twists can become world-famous stories. Don't you want to work alongside your brother again?"</p>
<p>"I do," Roman whispered, leaning his head on Deceit's shoulder.</p>
<p>"And wouldn't you love to be able to speak what comes to mind without fear of harming another?" Deceit asks. "With us, only intentions matter. Not words. Just what we mean. Wouldn't that be nicer than having to watch your own thoughts day in and day out?"</p>
<p>"It would," Roman said, closing his eyes. "I apologize for calling you dark sides. I should have tried to understand."</p>
<p>"You will understand, Roman." Deceit lifted his chin gently and smiled. "Just come back with me, and everything will be alright."</p>
<p>Roman lifted his head as the ballroom divided, one side decked in bright colors and illuminated by sterile fluorescent lights. The other darker, but not scary. Bathed in natural lighting and shadows, emanating a warm, home-like feeling.</p>
<p>"All you have to do is choose." Deceit said, stepping back onto the darker half. "And whatever you decide, know that I still care for you deeply."</p>
<p>"Deceit..." Roman choked up at the words. He was telling the truth. Roman was sure he was. Roman followed Deceit's footsteps onto the second half of the ballroom, wrapping Deceit in a hug. "Thank you."</p>
<p>"No problem at all, my love." Deceit smiled and ran a hand across Roman's shoulders. "Everything will be alright."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So that one was pretty short - because I couldn't decide on what the continuation would be. That's where you guys come in! I have two ideas for a second part of this. One with Villain!Deceit and Remus, and one with Sympathetic Deceit and Remus and Unsympathetic Patton. I love both ideas, but the Villain!Deceit ending has more room for Roman whump/angst, so keep that in mind if you want that. Just let me know in the comments, and I'll see what I can do!</p>
<p>Thanks for reading, guys!! It really does mean a lot &lt;3</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>- Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. The Other Side: Ending #1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 8, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: Unsympathetic Patton, Unsympathetic Virgil, food mention, sexual innuendo (thanks Remus), basically all of Remus's humor, violence (slapping) and bonus Logan angst at the end!</p>
<p>The other side isn't so bad</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The other side of the mindscape, was... not like Roman expected. In truth, he didn't know what he expected at all. He'd never paid much mind to what it looked like, he hadn't really cared, for a while at least. When the two halves first separated, taking Remus away from him, he'd worried quite a lot about his brother. But their relationship had soured, and Roman forced his attention to any things. But this side, with a copy of Thomas's house for them to stay in, was almost exactly like the one he'd lived in before.</p>
<p>Of course, it had to have some similarities - as it was a copy of Thomas's house - but Roman had... always imagined it to be dark. Scary, and villainous. Now, it was just... normal.</p>
<p>"Your things should all transfer over in the next day or so," Deceit said as they stepped inside. "The bedroom for you now is empty, but the longer you stay the more like your room it will become."</p>
<p>Roman nodded, remembering how Remus's belongings had slowly faded away and vanished after they were pulled apart.</p>
<p>"Thank you." Roman breathed, a sense of safety he hadn't felt in years flooding his senses. Everything here was safe. He was safe. His thoughts, his opinions, even his words. Safe. Like Deceit had promised.</p>
<p>"Roman?!" Roman's head jerked up to the stairs when Remus tumbled down, being too lazy to walk. Like he always had been. "What are you doing here?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman glanced at Deceit for support, but Deceit had wandered into the kitchen and wasn't paying attention. Oh.</p>
<p>"Come to vanquish me?" Remus bounced to his face, a twisted smile on his face. "Come to get back for the bump I gave you the other day? Oh! Come to fuck Deceit?"</p>
<p>"Wh-What?!" Roman flushed, eyes widening. "Remus!"</p>
<p>"Oh, you do remember me!" Remus clapped, skipping over. "I must say, brother, you look awful. Has Thomas finally decided how unhelpful you are?" Roman winced at the words but found that he felt no ill-will behind them.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Roman finally confessed, looking away.</p>
<p>"Oh, no reason to be sorry!" Remus waved a hand. "Deceit's very attractive, and-"</p>
<p>"No!" Roman held up a hand. "You know that's not what I meant." Remus just giggled. "I'm sorry I... ignored you. I'm sorry I did what I did, god... I don't know why I did it."</p>
<p>"No one knows anything, so that's fine!" Remus wrapped him in a hug, and it took Roman a moment to realize he was sniffing his neck.</p>
<p>"What are you doing?"</p>
<p>"Nothing!" Remus vanished and appeared a few feet away, holding his hands up. "And everything! Everything at once! Oh- Deceit don't-"</p>
<p>"No body parts in the freezer." Deceit said from the kitchen, where he was dumping a cracker Tupperware dish into the trashcan. "You know that."</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>Roman surprised himself with a laugh, turning to look curiously at his brother, who was bouncing and singing a song made entirely of curse words under his breath.</p>
<p>"Why are you here Roman?" Remus asked as if he'd forgotten he asked the question already. "Why aren't you over on the bright shiny side of the mindscape? I bet Patton's making cookies that don't have worms in them! Or maybe they do, and no one knows. Or perhaps he added blood and semen, just for a little-"</p>
<p>"That's disgusting." Roman gagged slightly, but couldn't help but be amused. Remus just cackled to himself.</p>
<p>"You didn't answer my question!"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman sighed. He had to say it aloud sooner or later. "I left them. The... other sides."</p>
<p>"Hm? What's this?" Remus appeared on Roman's shoulder, shrunk down to about seven inches tall. He rapped lightly on Roman's head. "No more light and dark? Right and wrong? Oh, you really do want to fuck Deceit!"</p>
<p>"No, I don't!" Roman swatted at his brother, but Remus just jumped down and landed clumsily on the ground, growing to his usual size.</p>
<p>"You're staying here?" Remus asked, all dramatic mocking gone from his voice. "With us? And... away from them?" Roman nodded hesitantly. "Why?"</p>
<p>"They..." Roman shrugged again. "It's just better this way, Remus. And, I did miss you, all these years."</p>
<p>"Miss me?" Remus's eyebrows shot up. "You must be a masoch-"</p>
<p>"You know what I mean!" Roman complained, rubbing his neck self consciously. "You do come up with good ideas, now and again. Not all the time, but all stories have a darker side."</p>
<p>"Oh, Virgil rubbed off on you!" Remus clapped excitedly.</p>
<p>"No, he didn't." Roman snapped defensively. Remus's eyebrows rose again. "He... he made good points. But he's not like me."</p>
<p>"Thank god." Deceit flopped onto the couch with a plate of reheated pasta.</p>
<p>"Oh, Virgil was fun!" Remus waved a hand. "Do you remember when I-"</p>
<p>"We all remember that." Deceit rolled his eyes. "I think you traumatized him."</p>
<p>"It's what I do best!" Remus jumped and tackled Roman to the ground. Roman yelped, eyes wide as Remus grinned down at him. "What, you're just going to take that? You used to fight back, you know."</p>
<p>Roman blinked, surprised to realize that Remus was right. He'd just let that happen as if he didn't care. Remus teleported away again and let Roman get up, and when Remus tackled him again Roman was ready. Deceit watched them wrestle for a while, throwing out little comments that Roman couldn't place between bored and sarcastic.</p>
<p>"Ah," Remus grinned when Roman finally got him pinned down. "Harder, da-"</p>
<p>"Oh, shut up." Roman shoved him away and stood up, wiping his hands on his shirt. "You disgust me."</p>
<p>"Right back at you!" Remus beamed. "And don't worry, I know your heart belongs to Dee!"</p>
<p>Deceit threw pasta at him, and Roman laughed. A real laugh. Not dramatic, or one he tried to conceal. A laugh that released the warm feeling inside his heart to the area around. And he was happy.</p>
<p>The next few days were some of the most relaxing ones Roman had had - for years, possibly. Deceit had been right. He bounced ideas off of the two of them, and while Remus generally suggested additions that Roman knew Thomas wouldn't accept, he sometimes did make good points. A touch of angst here, or a sly little joke there. And Deceit, he found, didn't lie as much as you'd expect. He was self-preservation and a lot of Thomas's life that had been a lot of secrets. Like his sexuality, for instance. And that wasn't a bad thing at all.</p>
<p>It was only when he tried to get them to have a movie night that weekend - like he did with the others - that things went downhill. It wasn't their fault, no, they were willing to try. Remus insisted on horror, and Roman finally relented. He hated horror, but this wasn't all about him. There had been days they watched documentaries, or even reality TV, instead of Disneys on the other side of the mindscape. And neither of them really understood the point of a pillow fort or wearing pajamas. Roman couldn't help but be relieved at the last one, as Remus wasn't scared to share that he slept full commando. All the time. He didn't own pajamas.</p>
<p>No, it went downhill when there was a knock at the door, just as they were getting ready to start the movie.</p>
<p>"What on earth?" Deceit's face twisted in confusion and he got up, stumbling on the blankets.</p>
<p>"Did you hire a stripper!?" Remus's face lit up and Roman rolled his eyes, following Deceit to the door.</p>
<p>They opened it to find the people Roman least wanted to see.</p>
<p>"There you are!" Patton zeroed in on Roman the moment the door opened. "What are you doing here, kiddo? It's movie night!"</p>
<p>"And I got to choose the movie!" Remus agreed in delight, waving the case in Patton's face. Deceit pulled Remus back before Virgil could kill him.</p>
<p>"Roman, how long have you been here?" Logan adjusted his glasses, looking at Roman's attire. He was in his pajamas, a dragon onesie. "I haven't seen you all week."</p>
<p>"And why are you with them?" Virgil sent a venomous look at Deceit and Remus. Remus grinned back, and Deceit just looked at Roman, an eyebrow raised. Roman scowled, stepping between them and the so-called 'light sides'.</p>
<p>"It took you all week to notice I was gone," he said coldly. "Maybe that will give you a hint as to what I'm doing here."</p>
<p>"Ohh," Remus whispered, giggling uncontrollably. "Got a bone to pick with them, I see. Or maybe a muscle. Can't tell yet."</p>
<p>"You've been here the whole time?" Virgil's eyes widened. "What are you doing?"</p>
<p>"Come on, kiddo." Patton reached out and grabbed Roman's arm. Tightly. "It's time to come home."</p>
<p>"I am home." Roman tried to pull away, but Patton just tightened his grip. "Patton, let go."</p>
<p>"Your home is with us," Virgil stressed, glaring over Roman's shoulder at the others. "Not them! What did Deceit do to you?"</p>
<p>"Do to me?" Roman asked incredulously. "He didn't do anything to me!"</p>
<p>"I find that hard to believe." Logan adjusted his tie smartly. "You aren't acting like yourself, Roman."</p>
<p>"Yes, I am!" Roman pulled harder against Patton's grip.</p>
<p>"No, this isn't you," Patton said softly. "You hate them, remember? You would never choose them over us."</p>
<p>His words seemed to wrap around Roman's head, blocking out all other thoughts. Did he? He knew he'd felt a lot of things about Deceit and Remus, but that had never been hatred. He'd been confused, or intimidated, and jealous. Not hateful.</p>
<p>"Let go of him." Deceit lashed out, pushing between Roman and Patton - who Roman realized had been pulling him further out of the door. Patton let go reluctantly, and Roman's thoughts cleared.</p>
<p>"Don't touch Patton!" Virgil snarled. Roman gently pushed Deceit back behind him, feeling protective all over again.</p>
<p>"Listen, I'm not doing anything wrong," he said, looking at Patton directly. "I'm just living someplace else. With my brother, and my friend. That's more than you three ever were for me."</p>
<p>
  <em>SLAP</em>
</p>
<p>Roman's head snapped to the side and he stumbled, hand flying up to the side of his face.</p>
<p>"Patton?" Logan's voice radiated shock.</p>
<p>"WHAT did you just DO?" Remus screeched, shoving past Deceit and Roman, summoning his morning star. "You don't get to hurt my brother! Only I get to do that!"</p>
<p>"Are you alright?" Deceit asked, inspecting Roman's face in alarm.</p>
<p>"I-I'm fine." Roman stammered, looking over to where Virgil was pulling Logan and Patton away, preventing Remus from attacking. Patton didn't seem to care what had happened, he was still angry. But Logan stared at Roman, an unreadable expression on his face.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Patton snapped. "Come on!"</p>
<p>"I'm staying," Roman said, voice trembling. "You can't make me leave."</p>
<p>Patton huffed, but then the three of them had sunk out, and Remus had instead started attacking the ground.</p>
<p>Roman just stood there, letting Deceit brush his fingers over the growing bruise and whisper soft comforts, ones that Roman now knew were a hundred percent true.</p>
<p>If the movie night never happened, because Remus was too upset to enjoy horror, who could say? And if Roman and Deceit kissed for the first time that night, who had to know? And if Logan showed up in a few days time, a handprint matching Roman's on his face and tape wrapped around the leg of his glasses, well, who were they to send him back to the ones that hurt him?</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oof. I'm growing to love writing Unsympathetic Patton - which you might be seeing in a future multi-chapter book (shh don't tell) (it was LAW AU lol). I can never resist adding angst, and Remus and Roman being brothers is so freaking fun to write!!! So yeah, I'm glad I did this.</p>
<p>But I still have plenty planned for Roman in that alternate timeline where Deceit wasn't so honest, and Remus wasn't so forgiving. So that'll be coming in the next couple days! I promise I'm working on the other requests as well, I just don't like splitting up separate parts of the same story.</p>
<p>Thanks for reading, love you all.</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. The Other Side: Ending #2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 10, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: Violence, unsympathetic Deceit, unsympathetic Remus, injuries, broken bones, lying, manipulation, torture, insulting, self-deprecation, self-hatred, forced silence, lots angst and whump</p>
<p>The other side is Not Good</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman winced, a hand clamped over his mouth against his will as blows continued to rain down on him. He didn't understand. He'd just been trying to do what was right - what he wanted to do. He wanted to make things better between him and Remus, and he'd wanted to be free to be himself. Deceit had promised that he'd be able to, but he'd lied. Roman's vision blurred with tears. Deceit always lied. He always manipulated, and he always lied. And Roman always believed him.</p>
<p>"Tears?" Remus laughed mockingly. "What happened to big strong Roman, hm? Roman who didn't need anyone, let alone his failure of a brother! Ha! Who's the failure now, dear brother?"</p>
<p>Roman couldn't answer, not with his hand fused across his mouth keeping him silent. Remus knew that, but he didn't care as he grabbed Roman's shirt and hauled him up, a fire of anger in his eyes.</p>
<p>"You're so pathetic! I don't know why Thomas likes you more than me! You can't even fight back, can you?"</p>
<p>Roman let out a muffled sob, and Remus's face twisted in disgust, throwing him back to the floor. After bringing Roman to the dark side of the mindscape, Deceit had silenced him and turned him over to his brother. Remus had taken him to his room - the room of everything Roman didn't want to be, or think about. It was a cold stone room, shackles hanging from the ceiling and wall with Remus's possessions and bed all crammed into one corner of the room. It was miserable, but Remus seemed to love it. Of course, he did.</p>
<p>"You're disgusting!" Remus snarled, snapping his fingers so Roman rose into the air, then slammed into the stone wall.</p>
<p>It made contact with a sickening crunch, and Roman groaned in pain. Remus grinned, and Roman found himself slammed against the wall over and over, like a toy in the hands of a furious child, until he felt a sharp crack when his head smacked limply into it. Agony surged through his face, and Remus cackled evilly. Roman was suddenly glad for the hand keeping his jaw shut - because now it was broken.</p>
<p>"And despite the fact that Thomas likes you more than me," Remus whispered as he stepped close, grabbing Roman's free hand tightly around the wrist. "Your friends don't even care that you're gone. It's been a week, dear brother. And you're still here where you should be."</p>
<p>He twisted roughly and a shudder of agony pulsed through his wrist. Remus seemed to find a new pleasure in breaking Roman's bones. The past week had been all about blood and tears and bruises. But the crack seemed to echo around Remus's room, and he smiled wider. Remus trapped Roman's broken wrist into a shackle, snapping his fingers so the chain shortened and pulled Roman into the air, suspending him by the broken limb. Roman couldn't help but scream, tears flowing down his face as Remus chuckled.</p>
<p>It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.</p>
<p>The thought didn't work. It had a few times, but now Roman couldn't keep the imagined pain from crawling through him, keeping his injuries from being healed, and trapping his mind in a cycle of agony.</p>
<p>"Ah, so that's it." Remus cackled. "This is my room, Roman. The longer you stay here, the less those stupid little tricks will work. You've always been scared of me, haven't you?" Roman didn't respond, his entire body shook with pain. His wrist and jaw throbbed, and the burns and bruises across him only added to the misery.</p>
<p>"I wonder what you thought was going to happen." Remus mused, stepping forward to nudge Roman sideways, causing him to swing on the chain and his broken wrist. "After all, I've never done anything but hurt you since the day you rejected me. Did you think I would forgive you? That I'd believe you never meant to rip my heart to pieces?"</p>
<p>Roman sobbed miserably, shaking his head despite the agony.</p>
<p>"Did you think Deceit really loved you?" Remus cooed mockingly. "That he'd listen to your ideas, and that he'd respect you?"</p>
<p>Roman had thought that. But he didn't anymore. Oh god, not anymore. There had been times when Roman was taken from Remus's room to Deceit's, where the snake-faced side would whisper compliments and words of love, healing Roman's major injuries bit by bit with a kiss to each one. But he always sent Roman back. Back to the room where he was now, where he'd been for longer each time. He could hardly keep track of how long he'd been here now, really. It had been so long since he saw anyone but Remus - who was watching him now with a look of contempt.</p>
<p>Suddenly, the door burst open, and Remus whirled around in shock. Roman closed his eyes, not wanting to be force-fed false hope once again by the influence of Deceit's bedroom. However, Deceit's gentle voice didn't meet his ears. Instead, there was shouting and the sound of a fight. Roman tried to open his eyes again, but he was exhausted. They felt like lead, and his entire body burned in pain.</p>
<p>Roman wasn't sure when he blacked out, but when he regained consciousness he panicked.</p>
<p>This was new.</p>
<p>This was a new trick. A new game. Was it Deceit, or Remus? He couldn't be sure. Possibly Deceit - giving him false hope with comfort and warmth. Or Remus, mocking his hopeful attitude to the fullest by giving him more hallucinations.</p>
<p>Soft whispers met his ears, and Roman sighed internally. It was Deceit's room. Whispers played constantly in the background there, confusing and manipulating him. Roman clenched his fists, ignoring the burning pain it caused in his broken wrist.</p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p>Fists.</p>
<p>His mouth wasn't covered. That didn't make sense. Roman's mouth had been forced closed since the moment he entered the darkscape. Did Deceit stop, since he'd broken his jaw? The thought made Roman aware of the sudden silence his movements had triggered, and the strange absence of pain in his jaw.</p>
<p>Where was he?</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>Logan.</p>
<p>Roman forced his eyes open, blinking rapidly at the bright warmth that surrounded him. He was on the couch in the commons, the light sides' commons. Blankets draped over him, and he was surrounded by gentle, worried faces.</p>
<p>Roman didn't dare try to open his mouth and speak, he just stared at them with tears welling up in his eyes.</p>
<p>"Oh, kiddo." Patton gently reached to brush them away, hand cupping Roman's cheek. "It's okay. We're here now. You're safe."</p>
<p>"We healed you as much as we could," Virgil said, voice hoarse and soft. "Deceit masked some of your injuries, and those were harder. But we got what we could without draining ourselves or accidentally hurting you worse."</p>
<p>Roman flinched when he mentioned the dark side, mind flashing back to the day he'd agreed to switch over. Did they know? Did they know he'd chosen to go? The looks that fell onto their faces when he failed to hide his panic told him they did.</p>
<p>"It's not your fault, Roman," Logan said gently. "Deceit manipulated you like he always does. You didn't know what you were thinking, because you weren't. He was doing it for you."</p>
<p>"I..." Roman shook with the effort it took to open his mouth and speak. It didn't hurt anymore, but he was scared. He hadn't spoken a word since he tried to apologize to Remus, and Deceit had silenced him. "I'm sorry..."</p>
<p>"Awe, kiddo, it's alright." Patton pressed a kiss to his forehead and Roman flinched, pulling away and making his head pound.</p>
<p>Patton's eyes widened in surprise, but he didn't reach to pull Roman back into his lap. Roman sat up instead, putting a hand to his head as he tried to force the headache back. His injured wrist still ached, and he saw it had been wrapped in an ace bandage. They must have decided his jaw was more important, or they didn't realize his wrist was broken until they'd put too much energy into completely healing his jaw.</p>
<p>"You have nothing to apologize for," Logan promised. "We just want you to be alright, Roman. You went through a lot."</p>
<p>Roman blinked tears away, trying his best to keep from outright sobbing. He must look so pathetic to them. His clothes were tattered, and though they'd healed most of his injuries, they were still covered with blood and dirt. He was a mess, and they were seeing all of it. He didn't have the energy to try and put up and illusion.</p>
<p>"What..." Roman swallowed, his voice dry and incredibly underused. "What happened?"</p>
<p>"We couldn't find you!" Virgil burst out, nearly crying himself. "We were looking everywhere, and then the last place to look was the dark side's place, but that didn't make any sense. We didn't look there because you hate that place. We looked anyway, because you were nowhere else, and we found you with... with Remus... and..."</p>
<p>"What matters is that you're home now, kiddo," Patton said gently. "Remus and Deceit won't come for you again, we're working on putting up defenses around our place to keep them out. Okay?"</p>
<p>"Here." Logan pressed a glass of water into Roman's good hand.</p>
<p>Roman drank it, knowing they hadn't thought of it before because he was the one most affected by hunger and thirst. Patton and Virgil could be if they chose to, but Roman was the only one who needed the imaginary sustenance. Just another reason he was a failure.</p>
<p>"Th... they said..." Roman sank into the couch and didn't look at any of them. "He said you weren't coming... you didn't care. I..."</p>
<p>"Oh, I know, sweetheart." Patton's eyes shone with tears. "I'm so sorry we didn't find you sooner. We really tried, and we got you in the end."</p>
<p>"But why?" Roman finally demanded, not caring that new tears flooded down his face. "Why... why do you care? Why did you even look for me in the first place? It's not like... it's not like I'm important! Sure you all like me more than the dark sides, but... I... I'm not good enough! I'm a failure of a side!"</p>
<p>"Oh, Roman honey," Patton's face crumpled. "Is that what they said to you? You're not a failure. You're so important, to Thomas and to us."</p>
<p>"That's what Deceit told me." Roman shot back, clamping his eyes shut. "He... he promised I'd be safer. That I'd be happier. He said they would listen, and that they'd understand me. I wanted... I just wanted that so bad... I..."</p>
<p>"We listen to you," Virgil said softly.</p>
<p>"Not the way he meant!" Roman sobbed, pulling his legs up onto the couch to hug to his chest. "Not without judging me, and telling me how bad everything I said was! I was trying so hard... I always try so hard to make everything perfect... but I can't! I just can't! And Deceit promised he didn't care if it was perfect or not."</p>
<p>"Roman..."</p>
<p>"He promised," Roman whispered pitifully. "And I believed him."</p>
<p>The others didn't speak, and Roman curled in on himself even further. He felt so vulnerable and pathetic here, with them seeing the pain he was going through. He hated it. But no matter what he did, Roman couldn't change the past.</p>
<p>Roman hated it when he felt this way.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Awe look at that I brought it all full circle with the first and last line and everything MWAHAHAHAHAHAA</p>
<p>I may or may not love writing whump</p>
<p>anyways, that's that! The other requests are almost done and I'll be posting them this week sometime, let me know what you thought of this!</p>
<p>Thanks for reading and remember to drink water!</p>
<p>I love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Brother Bear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 12, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: abuse, (violence, starvation, emotional abuse), bullying, lying, self deprecation, Unsympathetic Remus, unsympathetic Deceit, minor suicidal thoughts</p>
<p>Roman did not have a good life</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman did not have a good life. Sure, he was born into privilege, he went to a good private school, his family was financially stable all the time. That didn't mean it was good.</p>
<p>His parents had divorced when he and his brother were nine. Or rather, their mother had abandoned them when they were nine. That left his father - who was a successful businessman and tried his best to be a good parent to Remus.</p>
<p>Yeah, Remus. That wasn't a typo in Roman's life, there were two sons. One the favorite, and one the hated. Was that proper wording? Probably not, but Roman had other things to worry about.</p>
<p>He was born into privilege, so no one thought to look twice at his situation. He went to a good private school - pushed into difficult classes and severely punished with violence when he got less than an A. His family was financially stable - but that didn't mean his family had to give him anything but the necessities. Punishments would include revoked eating privileges, the shrinking of Roman's available wardrobe and self-care products like toothpaste and soap. Not only that but violence.</p>
<p>God, Roman didn't know how many times he'd begged to be allowed a sweatshirt and only been given one to hide the bruises that the consequent beating would result in. It wasn't just his father, either.</p>
<p>Remus, the favorite, the one who got all of their fathers love and praise and care, never held back from an opportunity to hurt Roman more. Be it his words or his actions, Remus loved to tear him apart. Literally, at times.</p>
<p>But, it was fine. It was! All he had to do was stay out of everyone's way, and everything would be fine. He'd get good grades, and wait until he could make some kind of grand escape either into life or death; he hadn't decided.</p>
<p>And that plan was working perfectly until he met Virgil.</p>
<p>For whatever stupid reason, the emo kid sat down next to Roman during lunch one day. He was new, Roman was sure. Or he'd know that no one was friends with Roman. It's not that Roman wanted it that way, but it was just safer for everyone involved.</p>
<p>But the kid sat down anyway. Roman looked over, critically taking in his appearance. He was wearing a hoodie with purple patches that seemed to be sewn on by hand, and his hair was dyed a bright shade of purple.</p>
<p>"What are you doing here?" Roman asked rudely, hoping it would make the kid leave. He looked up from his phone, eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"Sitting. What are you doing here?"</p>
<p>"Sitting," Roman mumbled, glaring at the ground.</p>
<p>"Guess we're cool then."</p>
<p>The kid looked back down at his phone, and they sat in silence until the bell rang.</p>
<p>And he kept coming back.</p>
<p>Every day, Roman was surprised when he flopped onto the ground beside him. Until he wasn't surprised. They never talked, really. They just sat there. Until, one day, they didn't.</p>
<p>"Why don't you ever eat?" the kid asked, halfway through lunch period. Roman looked up at him, scowling.</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"You never eat," he repeated, holding out an apple toward him. Roman didn't take it.</p>
<p>"Who are you?" he asked incredulously.</p>
<p>"A witch that wants to put you into a magical coma." the kid shook the apple under Roman's nose. "Just take it, will you?"</p>
<p>Roman accepted the apple, rolling it between his hands a few times before taking a bite.</p>
<p>God, that was delicious. He closed his eyes, savoring the taste. He hadn't had lunch in years - due to his father's punishments. He knew it wasn't good, especially when other meals were revoked, but what could he do?</p>
<p>"So why don't you ever have lunch?" the kid asked again. Roman opened his eyes to stare at him.</p>
<p>"Why do you care about me? It's not like we're friends."</p>
<p>"Aren't we?" the kid shrugged. "Well, you're still a person. Persons need food. Learned that in biology class." Roman smiled.</p>
<p>"Well, this person doesn't eat lunch," he said, then took another bite of the apple. "Usually."</p>
<p>"Any particular reason? Or just not your scene?"</p>
<p>"Not my kind of meal." Roman lied, looking around the courtyard warily. If Remus saw him eating, he'd tell father. And that would be bad.</p>
<p>"I feel that."</p>
<p>They fell once more into the silence they usually sat in, and Roman wondered what about their situation made the emo think they were friends.</p>
<p>They didn't always talk, now. But it wasn't always silent, either. The kid stopped trying to force Roman to eat, and Roman kept trying to learn his name.</p>
<p>"Your worst nightmare." he'd said once, blowing a purple strand of hair from his face. "The boogeyman. The monster in the closet. Take your pick, that's me."</p>
<p>"What, so you don't have a name?" Roman asked incredulously. "You're a person. Persons have names."</p>
<p>"Doesn't mean you get to know it, Prince Charming."</p>
<p>Roman didn't know why that nickname made him blush.</p>
<p>In all, he found that the emo kid might just be his friend. The first one he'd had in years. The first one that, despite his rudeness, stuck around and fought back with jabs of his own. Perhaps it was good, Roman figured. Maybe things would work out between them.</p>
<p>Of course, he should have known not to think that.</p>
<p>"Well hey there Brother Bear!" Roman looked up when he heard Remus's nasally voice ring out above him. Their cousin Declan was beside him, eyebrows raised.</p>
<p>"Oh. hi." Roman forced a smile, knowing that the emo beside him had looked up as well.</p>
<p>"What are you two up to?" Remus kicked Roman in the ribs and Roman hid a wince, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>"We're sitting." the emo said from beside him. "Who are you?"</p>
<p>"I'm Roman's favorite brother!" Remus declared, plopping down to sit next to them.</p>
<p>"I'm his stalker," Declan added, sitting with more grace than Remus did. Roman watched them warily. Whatever they were here to do, it was not going to be good.</p>
<p>"He's my cousin." Roman corrected, running a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>"I just wanted to sit with my twin today!" Remus beamed, wrapping one arm around Roman's neck in a very tight hug. Roman grimaced, gently trying to pull away. "He doesn't like me, but what can I say? I won't change for anyone!"</p>
<p>"Well, neither will Roman." the emo glanced with a raised brow at Roman, and Roman just rolled his eyes. "He's a stubborn asshole at the best of times."</p>
<p>"Must run in the family," Declan said drily, grinning at Roman evilly.</p>
<p>The lunch period continued like that, and for some god-forsaken reason, the emo seemed to get along with Declan and Remus pretty well. They had a grand time making fun of Roman, at least.</p>
<p>He knew the emo didn't mean it like that, he couldn't know that Remus's and Declan's jabs were filled with reminders of what happened at home. As far as Roman's friend knew, they were just kidding around.</p>
<p>After school, Roman found himself dragged into the living room behind his brother. Declan trailed behind, always up to watch Roman get in trouble.</p>
<p>"Guess what I learned at school today!" Remus cackled, pushing Roman toward their father. "He's got a friend!"</p>
<p>"What the hell, Remus?" Roman sighed. "I'm allowed to have friends, aren't I?"</p>
<p>"Are you?" father grabbed his chin and forced Roman to look up at him. Roman winced. "What do you two talk about?"</p>
<p>"Nothing." Roman insisted. "School. Disney. That kind of stuff."</p>
<p>"Really." father didn't seem to believe him, grip tightening and making Roman wince. "Who is this boy?"</p>
<p>"I don't know his name, I-"</p>
<p>"Liar." father shoved him backward and Roman tripped over the coffee table, slamming to the floor. "You say you're friends but don't know his name?"</p>
<p>"He won't tell me!" Roman said, struggling to his feet. "It's not like-"</p>
<p>"And you think he wants to be your friend?" father laughed coldly, shaking his head. Roman bit his lip, knowing he shouldn't answer. "I don't have time for this today, Remus... you decide your brothers' punishment. And Roman, no dinner tonight."</p>
<p>"Yessir." Roman winced as Remus's hand clapped tightly down on his shoulder.</p>
<p>"Get out of my sight, all of you."</p>
<p>Remus tugged Roman out of the living room, pulling him toward the basement. Roman sighed, knowing that he was about to be in a whole world of hurt.</p>
<p>"You'll be sorry you ever tried to have friends." Remus giggled. "You know what today is, brother bear?" Roman scowled, then felt his heart drop as he realized what Remus meant.</p>
<p>It was Friday.</p>
<p>This was not going to be a good weekend.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Everything hurt.</p>
<p>Roman tried his best to cover the bruises, pulling on the oversized sweatshirt he'd been given and inspecting his face in the mirror. He had makeup - but not a lot. And whenever he ran out, he was just punished again. But he had to hide the bruises.</p>
<p>Remus was no help, either. Even on the way to school, he was elbowing and pinching Roman black and blue yet again. And at lunch, Roman tried to sit in a new place to no avail. The emo found him, flopping down on the grass under the tree.</p>
<p>"How was the weekend, brother bear?" the emo asked with a teasing grin. Roman winced, turning away in an attempt to hide it. "...Roman?"</p>
<p>"Why do you sit with me?" Roman snapped. "I'm not nice to you, I never asked you to sit with me. You won't even tell me your name, but you insist on keeping me company. Why?"</p>
<p>"...Virgil." the emo mumbled softly. Roman scowled, turning to face him.</p>
<p>"What are you talking about? That doesn't-"</p>
<p>"My name's Virgil." Virgil shrugged. "And I sit with you because we're friends. And you're working on being nice."</p>
<p>"That's not the point!" Roman said angrily. "I'm an outcast, you weren't supposed to sit next to me in the first place! God, can't one person understand that-"</p>
<p>"Hey, guys!" Roman flinched when Remus plopped down next to him. "What're we talking about?"</p>
<p>"Homework." Virgil lied easily. "Princey here helps me with math."</p>
<p>"Does he?" Remus laughed. "I wouldn't trust him if I were you, he's very bad at math!" that was true, Roman had to admit. He'd never done well at math, which didn't help the situation with his father.</p>
<p>"He knows more than me." Virgil shrugged. "Which I guess isn't saying a lot."</p>
<p>"Oh, thanks." Roman played along, scowling playfully.</p>
<p>"My grades have gone from F's to D's." Virgil continued, stretching out on the grass. "So at least I'm passing."</p>
<p>"I'm surprised he can even get you that far!" Remus sneered.</p>
<p>"Awe, be nice," Virgil said, laughing softly.</p>
<p>"He knows I love him." Remus elbowed Roman roughly in the ribcage. "Right, brother bear?"</p>
<p>"Yeah," Roman mumbled, staring down at the grass.</p>
<p>"Well, I brought crackers today since it's Monday." Virgil pulled a pack out of his backpack. "You want any, Ro?"</p>
<p>"No thanks." Roman's voice shook and he tried to stop it, knowing that every word they said would be relayed back to his father via Remus.</p>
<p>"Oh." Virgil seemed surprised. "Alright, well-"</p>
<p>"Why not?" Remus asked slyly.</p>
<p>"I'm not hungry," Roman said, sending him a glare. Remus knew he'd lost eating privileges again today. He was just doing what he did best - ruining Romans life.</p>
<p>"Not hungry!" Remus mocked on the way home from school. "You know that was a lie, brother bear! You haven't eaten in two days!"</p>
<p>"Please just leave Virgil alone," Roman begged.</p>
<p>"Oh, so he has a name now?" Remus cackled. "What else did you two talk about before I got there today?"</p>
<p>"Homework." Roman lied tightly.</p>
<p>"Yeah right." Remus narrowed his eyes. "What did you tell him?"</p>
<p>"I didn't tell him anything." Roman insisted though he knew it didn't matter. He was still going to be hurt, and he still had to find a way to get Virgil to leave him alone without hurting him.</p>
<p>Roman was pretty sure that wasn't possible.</p>
<p>That whole week, no matter where he went to sit, Virgil seemed to find him. Roman tried his best to act normal, not wanting to make him worry or hurt his feelings. God, why did Virgil have to insist on being friends? Is that even what they were? All they'd do is sit in silence or bicker about Disney. That, or he'd make fun of Roman with Remus and Declan whenever they showed up.</p>
<p>He'd never say it, but that hurt. He knew Virgil assumed they were just messing around - at least he hoped - but the jabs and nicknames felt like knives against him, even though Virgil didn't say nearly as much as Remus and Declan. He would still smile and cover his laugh with a hand after Remus insulted him.</p>
<p>What was he supposed to do? It wasn't like he could just keep being friends with Virgil - not with Remus constantly watching them. And it wasn't like he could just stop hanging out with Virgil, obviously. And he was certainly not going to hurt the emo by telling him he didn't want to be friends, because, for one thing, that was a lie. Roman lied a lot, but he felt bad whenever he lied to Virgil. He couldn't help it. The kid had sought him out and made him feel like more than worthless, if only by a fraction.</p>
<p>"Hey, brother bear." Roman winced when Virgil used Remus's nickname for him, sitting down in the grass. "Are you avoiding me or something?"</p>
<p>"...no." Roman lied, looking around. They were at the back of the school, near the water heaters at the wall. He was very much trying to find a spot where Virgil wouldn't see him. Obviously, that didn't work.</p>
<p>"I know you're lying." Virgil sighed, rolling his eyes. Roman sighed, burying his face in his hands. "You lie a lot, you know."</p>
<p>"No, I don't!" Roman snapped.</p>
<p>"That's a lie."</p>
<p>"Shut up."</p>
<p>"Can you just tell me what the hell is going on with you? It's like you're hiding some big secret, y'know? You always correct yourself, and you always avoid answering questions about yourself. So what's up?"</p>
<p>"Why do you care?" Roman sighed, lifting his head wearily. "It's not like I matter to you."</p>
<p>"Sure you do." Virgil frowned. "You're like, my only friend that isn't related to me. I thought we were friends, at least."</p>
<p>"We are! But I didn't think..."</p>
<p>"What, that I could care about you?" Virgil scoffed. "Have you never had a friend before or something?" Roman bit his lip, staring at the grass. "Roman? Are you serious?"</p>
<p>"So I haven't. Sue me."</p>
<p>"How the hell is that possible?" Virgil asked. "You're awesome! Sure, you're rude sometimes but I can deal with that."</p>
<p>"I'm not just rude, Virgil." Roman sighed. "I'm awful. I'm mean. Everyone hates me because I make them hate me. You just refuse to hate me, and then I started not hating you, and so I can't be mean to you anymore!"</p>
<p>"Why would you do something like that?" Virgil asked incredulously. "You obviously want friends."</p>
<p>"I'm not allowed," Roman stressed the word tightly. "To have friends!"</p>
<p>Shit.</p>
<p>A beat of silence followed his words, and Virgil just stared at him.</p>
<p>"What do you mean 'not allowed'?" he asked after a few minutes. Roman sighed, going to stand up.</p>
<p>"It doesn't matter. But please just-"</p>
<p>"No!" Virgil reached out and grabbed his arm. Roman flinched, freezing instinctively. Virgil stared at him. "Oh my god."</p>
<p>"Please let go," Roman whispered.</p>
<p>"Roman, what is that?" Virgil pulled him closer, shoving the sleeve of Roman's sweatshirt up. Fuck.</p>
<p>"Please let go!" Roman shoved him back and they both stumbled.</p>
<p>"Roman, hold on a second." Virgil scrambled back to his feet. "Just-"</p>
<p>"What?" Roman demanded, wiping tears from his eyes. "What do you think you can do, Virgil? You have no fucking idea what he'd do if he found out you know. Do you realize that? You don't even know what he's done to me for having a friend, for crying out loud!"</p>
<p>"Roman, please." Virgil held his hands out, and Roman stared at him. He realized after a moment that he was being offered a hug, and couldn't stop himself from surging forward and accepting it.</p>
<p>God, Virgil was so warm. When was the last time he'd been hugged without being strangled or pinched? Years, at the very least.</p>
<p>"You don't get it," Roman whispered into Virgil's shirt. "I'm sorry. I just... I can't be friends with you, and-"</p>
<p>"Shush." Virgil hugged him a bit tighter. "It's going to be okay, Roman. I'll help you."</p>
<p>"No, you-"</p>
<p>"You can't get rid of me, buddy." Virgil insisted. "You've tried that."</p>
<p>"Yeah, but I-"</p>
<p>"Hey." Virgil pushed Roman back to meet his eyes. "Have I ever lied to you?" Roman hesitated, thinking back over the past month. He couldn't think of a time when Virgil had told him something that might be untrue, actually. "So when I say I'll help you, do you think I'm lying?"</p>
<p>"No, but you could fail." Roman pointed out. "And that'll just be worse when he finds out."</p>
<p>"Then I won't fail." Virgil declared, a fire growing in his eyes that Roman had never seen before. "Can you just trust me, please?"</p>
<p>Roman sighed, closing his eyes to lean on Virgil again.</p>
<p>"Okay." That word might lead to his death. But on the other hand, it might just lead to his life, instead. </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah. That's that. Haha, like I said, not one of my best. But if I had gotten too deep into it, I'd have accidentally made it a fifteen chapter fic with a sequel (that happened to a one-shot I was writing for this compilation. It's gonna be another book soon lol) (its the L.A.W. AU).</p>
<p>So I hope y'all enjoyed it! I'll be working on the rest of the requests soon and hopefully, I'll be posting them the next week or so!! ^-^</p>
<p>Thanks for reading! Love you guys!</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Perfect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 16, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: eating disorder, self-hatred, Unsympathetic Deceit, Sympathetic Deceit (you'll see?), Sympathetic Remus, toxic relationship, food mentions, violence, blood, gore, Remus stuff</p>
<p>Roman has to be perfect.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>"Oh, you know the others would never say anything of course,"</em> Roman winced at the voice in his head. <em>"But they see it too. You really are a mess, aren't you? Losing popularity, losing control, losing everything. You don't even look like a prince anymore."</em></p>
<p>"Shut up." Roman ran his hands through his hair, glaring at the mirror. God, he just wanted something to make sense. He didn't want to figure it out himself, he just wanted to know. Something like a teacher, who could figure things out for him.</p>
<p><em>"Why should I? You know that I'm right!" </em>The voice snapped. <em>"You know that you should lose weight - you should be better. Princes are always tall and regal, never like you. They're perfect, and you are not."</em></p>
<p>"I know, I know." Roman sighed, shoulders falling in defeat. "I'm trying, okay?" but trying didn't work. He knew it didn't work because he'd been trying for years and he still hated himself.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Why, even your brother is more like a prince than you are! And he doesn't even carry the title! You should be ashamed to exist."</em>
</p>
<p>"I am," Roman whispered, tears springing to his eyes. "Please, Deceit, just tell me how to fix this."</p>
<p>Deceit grinned, appearing in Roman's reflection behind him. Roman shuddered as he gripped Roman's shoulders, breathing down his neck.</p>
<p>"You know exactly how to fix this, darling." he hissed in Roman's ear. Roman winced, but nodded, he was right. He'd thought about it before, he'd attempted it before.</p>
<p>"I won't be able to," he said, tears rolling down his face. Deceit tutted, wiping them away with another pair of gloved hands.</p>
<p>"You will, with my help," he promised. "Just do what I say, and you will succeed."</p>
<p>Roman stared at the reflection, seeing it ripple and warp until he stood there - looking at how he'd always wanted to look. Being how he'd always wanted to be. Confident, fit, perfect.</p>
<p>"Okay." Roman nodded, and Deceit grinned widely. "Just tell me what to do."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman, you wanna come down for dinner?" Patton rapped on the creative side's door, smiling brightly.</p>
<p>"Oh- not tonight, Padre!" Roman chuckled from within, and Patton frowned. He hadn't seen Roman all week - what was he up to?</p>
<p>"Are you sure? I made pasta..." he tried to door handle, only to find it locked, and frowned.</p>
<p>"I appreciate the offer, Patton," Roman said, voice closer.</p>
<p>"What are you up to in there kiddo?" Patton asked, unable to deny his curiosity.</p>
<p>"Just working on a little something," Roman laughed. "Don't worry about me, go enjoy your dinner!"</p>
<p>"I'll bring you up a plate later," Patton said, smiling at Roman's cheerful voice.</p>
<p>"Sounds wonderful!" Roman already seemed to be distracted again and Patton giggled.</p>
<p>"Okay, I'll leave you to it then!" he called, setting off down the hallway to the stairs. Virgil met him at the bottom, seeming frustrated and angry. "What's the matter, Virgil?"</p>
<p>"Princey's not coming down... again." Virgil muttered.</p>
<p>"He's just busy!" Patton waved a hand, though he was started to worry as well. "I'm bringing him some food after dinner, anyway. Is that really all?"</p>
<p>"I just..." Virgil sighed, glaring around at the commons. "It just feels off. He hasn't wanted to eat with us for weeks, and he hasn't even left his room since sunday... and Remus keeps bothering me."</p>
<p>"I'll talk to him, kiddo." Patton said, though he hated the idea. He didn't hate Remus, perse, but he was scary. And rude. And loud. And just a lot of things that Patton wasn't fond of.</p>
<p>"You don't have to." Virgil shook his head. "Once Princey figures out his crap, he'll be out and about again and Remus can drive him nuts instead."</p>
<p>"Alrighty." Patton shrugged, moving to set the table. "Wanna go make sure Logan's finishing up? I told him it was time to eat, but... you know how he gets."</p>
<p>"Yeah." Virgil nodded distractedly, squinting around the commons again. "Yeah, okay."</p>
<p>Patton watched him go, then hummed softly to himself as he set the table. Now that Virgil pointed it out, things did seem a bit odd. Maybe the colors were a bit duller, and the puppies Roman generally let loose on the weekends hadn't appeared.</p>
<p>But he was just busy, Patton was sure. Busy working on something, and he hadn't had the time or energy to focus on other things. He'd get done with the project, and things would be fine. And if he didn't come out of his room in the next few days, Patton would check on him again just to make sure he was alright. He would be alright, Patton was sure. Why wouldn't he be alright?</p>
<hr/>
<p>"You're getting there." Deceit said, smiling down at Roman as Roman struggled to focus on what he was doing. "Don't you see? You're so close to becoming perfect. Just a few more days, I'm sure this will work."</p>
<p>"I don't know," Roman mumbled softly. "I feel worse than ever, now."</p>
<p>"You know things get worse before improving," Deceit hummed gently, pushing Roman's hair back from where it hung in his face. "Besides, look in the mirror, isn't that what you want to see?" Roman lifted his head, staring at his reflection.</p>
<p>And there he was. Tall, strong, the stable of a disney prince. Just like he was supposed to look.</p>
<p>"You're almost there," Deceit whispered to him, smiling gently. "I can just feel it, Roman. By the end of the week, you'll be perfect. Just the way you've always wanted to be. Can't you see it?"</p>
<p>"I can." Roman took a deep breath and closed his eyes, forcing a wide smile onto his exhausted face.</p>
<p>"And the others don't deserve you, anyway." Deceit reminded him. "They never wanted you to be perfect - they enjoy watching you suffer too much for that. Why else would they keep being upset that you aren't around? They love to point out your flaws."</p>
<p>"I know," Roman whispered, heart clenching. "But once I'm perfect, they won't-"</p>
<p>"Won't they?" Deceit scoffed. "People love to find flaws in others, dearest. Even once you're perfect, they'll despise you. Maybe more, out of jealousy."</p>
<p>"That's true..." Roman let out a slow breath, smiling. "Thank you, Deceit."</p>
<p>"Oh, it's nothing." Deceit chuckled.</p>
<p>"I mean it." Roman insisted. "Thank you for helping me... I just... I want to be perfect and I didn't know how to be perfect and now I do, thanks to your help."</p>
<p>"I just want you to be happy." Deceit said softly. "And I'm glad I'm making you feel that good."<br/>"You're helping so much," Roman promised, turning to meet Deceit's mismatched gaze. Deceit smiled at him, running a hand over Roman's bony shoulder.</p>
<p>Deceit saw something else in the reflection, but he wasn't sure what to make of it. He was simply doing his job - telling Roman what he wanted to hear. It confounded him that things had gone this far - but as Roman pulled him into a gentle kiss, Deceit found he really couldn't care to worry about the consequences.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Remus hummed softly to himself, sitting on the floor with his legs spread up the wall, tapping every now and then. He was bored - Roman hadn't left his room in ages and Remus found that being mean to the others was so much less fun than it was being mean to Roman. Logan just ignored what he did, and Patton just burst into tears. Virgil was close - but he'd locked himself away as well after the first few days.</p>
<p>Roman was probably off on some stupid adventure - and it was bound to have a happy ending. Remus made a face of disgust until he suddenly felt a strange sensation in his chest.</p>
<p>"Wha-" Remus pushed away from the wall and sat up, smacking himself in the chest a few times. The feeling didn't go away, and he found that the mental map he had of the mindscape - blurry and dark - had become brighter. Clearer. Like how it was before he and Roman split. Interesting.</p>
<p>Remus giggled, imagining what would happen if the stairs turned to a waterfall of blood - when the most peculiar thing happened.</p>
<p>The map in his mind shifted as well, and he heard a scream from outside.</p>
<p>Remus scrambled to his feet and burst out of his room, face splitting into a demented grin when he saw that, some how, he'd managed to manipulate Roman's perfect mind palace.</p>
<p>"Oh my goodness, stop stop stop!" Patton was standing on the coffee table, sobbing as blood started to fill the living room. Oh, that wasn't meant to happen. A pit opened under the bottom stair, draining the blood away but keeping the waterfall.</p>
<p>"Look what I did!" Remus cried gleefully, tumbling down the stairs as it was faster that way. "Patton, isn't it awful? Oh! There are bits of flesh in this!"</p>
<p>"Oh my gosh." Patton pressed a hand over his mouth, then stumbled to the bathroom where Remus heard him retching.</p>
<p>"Oh, wonderful!" He jumped up and followed, watching in fascination. "Can I-"</p>
<p>"No." Patton flushed the toilet, not looking at him. He was pale and shaking. "What did you do?"</p>
<p>"I made the stairs into a waterfall, obviously." Remus rolled his eyes. Couldn't Patton see?</p>
<p>"Change it back!" Patton demanded weakly. "That's awful, Remus. Why would we want that?"</p>
<p>"We wouldn't!" Remus exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "That's the best part!"</p>
<p>"Patton?" Logan pushed Remus away from the doorway and Remus sighed, rolling his eyes. Great, now teach was here to ruin the fun. "Oh - so you have seen it. Where's Roman?"</p>
<p>"I don't know!" Patton wailed. "I was gonna go ask him if he wanted to help make cookies and then the stairs..."</p>
<p>"You're welcome!" Remus exclaimed cheerfully.</p>
<p>"Yes, that's why I'm concerned." Logan adjusted his glasses. "Remus doesn't usually have the power to change the mind palace."</p>
<p>"Isn't it a grand surprise?" Remus beamed. "Roman always was a fickle one - god knows why you like him more - and I'm taking advantage of this while he's letting me!"</p>
<p>Another snap of his fingers and the kitchen burst into flames. Remus laughed gleefully, turning to watch.</p>
<p>"Remus!" Logan snapped, finally addressing him. Remus turned, eyebrow raised. "Where's Roman?"</p>
<p>"How should I know?" Remus rolled his eyes. "I am not my brother's keeper, Logan. I thought he was off on some useless quest in the imagination. Saving the prince, killing the dragon, happy ending yada yada yada."</p>
<p>"He hasn't entered the imagination in days," Logan said irritably. "That's why we've been worried."</p>
<p>"We've been worried?" Remus asked, surprised. Now that he thought about it... there had been a strange lack of summoned puppies around. That and the television in the living room had been stuck playing the same episode of the office for a week now. That had probably caused the others some concern - he just hadn't cared to notice.</p>
<p>"Please change the stairs back so we can find him," Logan asked, though it was more of a demand. Remus squinted.</p>
<p>"Why would I want to do that?" he asked incredulously. "The way I see it, whatever Roman is doing is good for me! I have more creative control than I have since we split, why would I want to stop that?"</p>
<p>"You know that your ideas won't be received well by his fans," Logan stated. Remus pouted.</p>
<p>"Who cares if they like me? I'm the nitty gritty juicy bits of life no one ever talks about!" he grinned. "We're gonna smack them in the face if I get to help Thomas make videos! What if-"</p>
<p>"Roman has started to fade." Logan finally snapped. Remus froze, heart sinking. Fade? Roman couldn't fade. Who would he terrorize day and night? Not only that - but how could Roman fade when he was the most loved half of them?</p>
<p>"...Roman can't fade." Remus stated stupidly, fire going out in the kitchen and stairs returning to normal. "That's impossible. If he faded, that would..." what?</p>
<p>Remus might hate his brother and everything Roman stood for - but he didn't want to be the only creativity. Roman was a perfect contrast to set his ideas in front of - it got just the reaction Remus wanted. Without Roman... what would Remus even be?</p>
<p>"Let's go." Logan grabbed Patton's arm and they started away. Remus followed, mind racing. What on earth would make Roman fade like that? Even as they walked up the stairs, the color seemed to fade from their surroundings. That wasn't good. Remus wasn't good at color - not the color they wanted there. He was good at the bright and loud and gross - not... the nice. And he liked the contrast between bad and nice.</p>
<p>"Thank god, you guys." Virgil met them at Roman's door, Remus winced at the glare he was sent. "What did you do?"</p>
<p>"I didn't do anything!" Remus snapped. "Why do you all think I had something to do with this?"</p>
<p>"You try to kill Roman on a daily basis." Virgil pointed out.</p>
<p>"Okay, yeah," Remus sighed. "But I'd never kill him completely! And that's not fading! All I did today was take advantage of my new control over the mind palace! I mean, you can't expect me not to utilize that! It was hilarious!"</p>
<p>"Whatever." Virgil turned away. "Roman won't answer me - and I can't get his door to open. I don't know what's going on but I know it's really bad."</p>
<p>"I suppose it's good you're here, then." Logan looked to Remus, and Remus just stared back.</p>
<p>"It's never good when I'm here."</p>
<p>"You can get in there without Roman's permission," Logan explained, gesturing to the door. "As the other side of creativity - and especially with this new control you have over the mind palace - you can force yourself into his room."</p>
<p>"Why would I do that?" Remus wrinkled his nose. "I hate his room! There's nothing in there that-"</p>
<p>"To save him!" Virgil yelled. "You know what will happen if Roman fades, Remus!" oh yeah.</p>
<p>"Right. Right." Remus shook his head. "Sorry, I forgot what was going on for a second."</p>
<p>"How-"</p>
<p>"Stand back!" Remus said loudly, pushing past them all to rap on his brothers' door. "Dear brother! Coming in ready or noooot!" no answer, but that was fine. Remus just snapped his fingers and the lock exploded, letting him swing the door open.</p>
<p>"That was... not what I meant." Logan sighed, pulling a piece of shrapnel from his shoulder. "But that works."</p>
<p>Remus didn't listen. He stepped inside and stared, stomach twisting at what he saw.</p>
<p>Roman was collapsed on the floor, dull gray in color despite the fact he was dressed in his usually bright outfit. His face was gaunt and almost skeletal. That didn't make sense.</p>
<p>Roman would never do that to himself. He loved the way he looked too much to do that. He would hate being seen like this - and he would hate to fade.</p>
<p>"Oh my- Roman!" Patton gasped as they forced their way past Remus into the room.</p>
<p>"What the hell?" Virgil glared at Remus before running to Roman's side, checking his pulse. "Thank god - he's alive, I think."</p>
<p>"What on earth..." Logan looked around the room, then met Remus's eyes. Remus stared back, absolutely terrified. Logan seemed surprised at the emotion on Remus's face, but he cleared his throat gently. "Remus, you have the most creative control. We need to get Roman out of here and to the commons, which is a much more neutral space. Can you do that?"</p>
<p>"I can try." Remus swallowed, looking at his brother before taking a deep breath. He never summoned or teleported in the mindscape before - it always led to splinching when he did it. But with Roman like this, perhaps that wouldn't be the case? "Sorry if you guys are missing your legs after this."</p>
<p>"What-"</p>
<p>Virgil's voice was cut off when they sank down, appearing in the living room - thankfully unscathed. Remus stumbled, head pounding.</p>
<p>"Wow. That was the most successful summoning I've ever done!" he tripped over the table onto the floor, deciding not to stand up again. He was exhausted. Roman was on the couch, and he seemed to have some color returning to his face.</p>
<p>Remus was at an interesting angle to his brother, staring upside down at the base of his ear and jaw. But it was enough to see something.</p>
<p>A bite mark.</p>
<p>A snake bite mark.</p>
<p>Remus's eyes narrowed as the light sides scrambled around, trying to find something that would help Roman. Remus stayed where he was, watching as the mark faded to a bruise - as Deceit's influence on his brother was severed.</p>
<p>"Remus?"</p>
<p>Remus's head shot up and he stared at Virgil, who was watching with narrowed eyes.</p>
<p>"What are you doing?"</p>
<p>"I can't believe this." Remus rubbed his eyes, mind spinning.</p>
<p>Deceit? Deceit had done this? Remus knew that Deceit could sway Roman easily - but to go this far? To destroy him? Didn't Deceit know this would harm Thomas, as well? Or would it? Would it hurt Thomas, or force Thomas to get a more secure career? Or force him to be more realistic with his art?</p>
<p>That still didn't add up. Remus had made Deceit swear not to hurt Roman - everyone else was fair game, just not Roman. Not his other half, not his brother. Yet here they were, and Roman had nearly died.</p>
<p>"I don't understand how this happened." Logan was saying in the kitchen, where Remus hoped they were getting something to feed Roman.</p>
<p>Virgil just kept watching Remus, waiting for an answer.</p>
<p>"It was Deceit," Remus said softly, tears pricking his eyes. "I... I don't understand. He said... he promised he wouldn't."</p>
<p>"Deceit?" Virgil asked incredulously, hauling Remus to his feet. "What does he have to do with this?"</p>
<p>"I don't know!" Remus snapped, shoving Virgil away. "But Roman had a snakebite and his room was corrupted by lies, Virgil! That's why he's already more alive out here! All I know is that my brother nearly died, and it wasn't even me that killed him!"</p>
<p>"Okay, geez." Virgil rubbed his arm. "What are we supposed to do, then?"</p>
<p>"I'm gonna go kill Deceit." Remus snarled, hands curling into fists. "I'm going to rip out his stomach and-"</p>
<p>"Okay, kiddo." Patton's voice shook as he sat near Roman, a bowl of soup in hand. "That's enough. Why don't you go do that, and we'll take care of Roman?"</p>
<p>"You just want me to leave." Remus pouted, already searching the mindscape for Deceit's aura.</p>
<p>"I'll go with you, Remus." Logan walked over, drying his hands on a towel.</p>
<p>"What?" Remus and Patton asked at the same time.</p>
<p>"I'll not force Virgil to the other side of the darkscape again," Logan said lightly. "And Patton cannot physically go there. We need to find Deceit and... get answers. Virgil and Patton can care for Roman until we get back."</p>
<p>"Be careful," Virgil muttered, stepping away.</p>
<p>"You teleport us this time." Remus requested, a hand to his head. "Doing things safely is giving me a headache." Logan nodded, and in moments they were in the 'darkscape'.</p>
<p>"Let's find Deceit," Logan said flatly, adjusting his glasses. Remus nodded, summoning his morning star. That snake had a lot of explaining to do.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He was so freaking tired. Roman groaned, trying to roll over only for hands to catch him, a nervous giggle ringing above him.</p>
<p>"Careful, kiddo. Don't fall off the couch." oh, right. </p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p>The couch? What?</p>
<p>Roman forced his eyes open, surprised to see Patton's face above his own.</p>
<p>He was on the couch, head on Patton's lap. Virgil was sitting on the floor beside them, looking just as worried as Patton did.</p>
<p>Why was he down here? A thrill of terror pulsed through in and Roman sat up, only for his vision to darken once more and he gasped, falling back into Patton's arms. No. He wasn't supposed to be here. This wasn't the plan. They weren't supposed to be here until he was perfect, and he wasn't perfect yet.</p>
<p>"It's okay, Roman," Patton said softly. Roman blinked the darkness away and saw tears on his friends face. "It's going to be okay."</p>
<p>"No." Roman's voice came out a dehydrated croak and he winced. Patton blinked tears away, and they smudged his glasses slightly. He made no move to clear them, though, just held Roman tighter, but gently.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Roman whispered, sitting up slower than the first time. Patton let him, and he leaned against the back of the couch, exhausted.</p>
<p>"That's a grand question," Virgil muttered. "You were fading, Roman. We found you up there and you... you were starving yourself. You almost faded completely, Remus was gaining control over the mind palace."</p>
<p>"...what?" Roman stared. That wasn't right. Deceit had never mentioned that. He said it would make Roman perfect - that everyone would be happier. That wasn't right. And Remus... "where..." Roman swallowed thickly. "Where's Remus? And Logan?"</p>
<p>"They..." Virgil sighed. "They went to find Deceit." Roman winced.</p>
<p>"Th-that's not necessary..." he mumbled.</p>
<p>"We know this was Deceit's fault," Patton said gently. "He bit you, and he corrupted your room."</p>
<p>"He bit me?" Roman's eyes widened. What? When... Patton's fingers gently brushed the place where Roman's head met his neck, just under his right ear. Roman's hand flew up to that spot, feeling the warmth of infection past the bandage that covered it. "No... no, that isn't right."</p>
<p>"What do you mean?" Patton asked, worry edging into his voice. Roman winced.</p>
<p>"He... he was helping me." Roman stammered, avoiding Patton's gaze. "He was just... he wanted me to be better."</p>
<p>"Are you serious? You almost died!" Virgil snapped. "Deceit was obviously lying to you!"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman's chest ached. They weren't happy - they'd never be happy with him. He wasn't good enough. He wasn't perfect. "I'm supposed to be perfect! I'm supposed to be... I'm supposed to be a prince! But I'm not, and Deceit was helping me. I don't know what I'm doing, but he knows, and he was telling me-"</p>
<p>"Who says you aren't perfect the way you are?" Patton asked sadly.</p>
<p>"Everyone!" Roman burst out, tears welling up in his eyes. "I was going to be perfect, wh... he promised it would make me perfect!"</p>
<p>"Perfect doesn't exist, Roman!" Virgil snapped. Roman shook his head, unable to accept this.</p>
<p>"Yes it does and I was so close! I was almost-"</p>
<p>"ROMAN!" Roman jumped when his brothers' voice rang out behind him, and he found himself buried in a hug.</p>
<p>"Wh- Remus?" what was going on? Remus never hugged him. Remus hated him.</p>
<p>Logan and Deceit had appeared as well - though Deceit was not looking very good. Roman avoided his disappointed gaze, shoving Remus away.</p>
<p>"This is your fault!" Virgil snarled, on his feet and pointing at Deceit. Deceit said nothing, just watched Roman. His gaze seemed to stab into Roman's skin like knives, but what could he do? He felt so awful, and he was so tired.</p>
<p>"Deceit." Logan snapped, eyes narrowed. "Would you like to explain to Roman what you explained to Remus and me?"</p>
<p>"Oh, I'd love to." Deceit drawled, rolling his eyes. Remus stood up, his morning star appearing in his hand.</p>
<p>"Wh- don't!" Roman grabbed Remus's arm, heart pounding. He couldn't hurt Deceit - Deceit was the only one that understood anything. Remus stared at him, and Roman wasn't sure what to make of the expression on his face.</p>
<p>"He promised he wouldn't hurt you." Remus snapped, pulling out of Roman's grip. Deceit watched them with a bored expression, ignoring Logan and Patton demanding an explanation.</p>
<p>"What'll it be, Prince Roman?" Deceit asked scathingly. "You want to show them your flaws? Go back to being weak, the way you were before? Please. I know what you want, I know exactly what you need to be happy."</p>
<p>"Don't listen to him," Virgil said, staring over at Roman. Roman didn't respond, he just reached up to feel the bandage on his head again.</p>
<p>Deceit had bitten him - and Roman didn't know when. Remus had gained more control over things, and that hadn't been the plan. Roman lifted his gaze to meet Deceit's smug look, but as soon as he did the smirk faded.</p>
<p>"Are you seriously siding with them?" he asked incredulously. "They never loved you! No one ever loved you until I came along!"</p>
<p>"You don't," Roman said softly, heart aching. "You don't love me."</p>
<p>"Yes, I do!" Deceit's voice cracked miserably, and Roman stared at him. Logan frowned unhappily, adjusting his glasses.</p>
<p>"Well, Deceit? Wish to explain?"</p>
<p>"Roman..." Deceit glanced at Roman, then away. "You thought so little of yourself, Roman. I can hardly bear it. When I tried to help you feel more confident, it got out of hand. You ate it up. You absorbed every single idea I suggested until it was too late for you to stop. And I let you do it. I let you do this to yourself because I liked that you were listening to me."</p>
<p>"...what?" Roman squinted, mind spinning in confusion.</p>
<p>"Yes, I admit," Deceit spat, glaring around at them. "I manipulated him, corrupting his section of the mind palace. But I never thought he would let me take it this far!"</p>
<p>"I didn't..." Roman felt tears burn his eyes. "You're the one that started it! You were the one to tell me how awful and imperfect I was!" Deceit's eyebrows rose.</p>
<p>"When did I ever say I didn't?" he hissed. "I am deceit, Roman! I am the lies one tells themself, and that's the way I was made! You wanted to be better, and spurred yourself forward using cruel words that weren't true! You craved so desperately for a savior to teach you and help you be perfect - which you already were - that I was pulled into the role and let myself be consumed by it. Just as you let yourself be consumed by my lies. Did I want this? No! Do I regret it, also no! It's what happened and I can't change that. But you can't change it either, Roman."</p>
<p>"Are you serious?" Virgil interupted. "You expect us to believe that Roman hated himself before you got involved?"</p>
<p>"I was always involved, Virgil!" Deceit shrieked. "We aren't humans, we're chunks of humans! We all affect each other and don't tell me that you aren't making Roman scared to confess that I'm right at this exact moment because you hate me for being who I am!"</p>
<p>Virgil's eyes widened and he stepped back, glancing at Roman and then the others. Logan sighed.</p>
<p>"This is not an issue that will be solved easily," he said softly. "Thomas struggles with self-image, and as his pride, so does Roman. This was an oversight to all of us, and Deceit isn't the only one to blame for what happened."</p>
<p>At those words, Deceit sunk out, back to his bedroom in the dark corner of the palace. Roman watched him go, a strange feeling of despair and longing filling his chest.</p>
<p>Roman pressed a hand over his eyes, swallowing thickly. Deceit was right. They were all right. Everything was right and wrong all at the same time.</p>
<p>"What are we supposed to do, then?" Patton's voice was soft, and Roman's heart ached.</p>
<p>"Progress," Logan said simply. "Talk about things. Focus on maintaining balance for Thomas's sake. As long as we do that, we can work on everything else."</p>
<p>Roman felt awful. This must have been effecting Thomas, in whatever small way it did. He'd hardly been paying attention to anything but himself recently - and that just made it worse. He collapsed back into Patton's embrace, shaking with sobs.</p>
<p>"It's going to be alright, kiddo." Patton soothed gently, brushing his hair back with trembling fingers. "We're going to be alright." </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AAAAAANd that's a wrap everyone. So yeah. Did I intend to get into the weird psychology and science that makes the sides what they are? No. Do I regret it? Also no. Did I enjoy writing Deceit as both the Villain and the misunderstood snek he is? Abso-freaking-lutely. </p>
<p>This was pretty fun for me to write - and I'm starting to LOVE writing Remus, so thanks for the request, friendo!</p>
<p>Take care of yourselves and get some sleep, drink water, etc.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Kintsugi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted  September 17, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: angst, secrets, blood, injuries, implied self-harm, suicidal thoughts, hopeless thinking, food mention</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <span class="u">Kintsugi - a Japanese art form in which breaks and repairs are treated as part of the object's history. Broken ceramics are carefully mended by artisans with a lacquer resin mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. The repairs are visible — yet somehow beautiful.</span> </em>
</p>
<p>Logan hadn't realized how secretive Roman really was until they got together. It was casual, at first. That was fine, as Logan was not very fond of expressing feelings. Roman expressed enough feelings for the both of them, though as they grew closer Logan found that the feelings he expressed were not always the ones he was feeling. Roman was generally confident, loud about anything he did well. It was infuriating, but endearing.</p>
<p>"Roman," Logan asked one night as they lay in bed beside each other. Roman hummed, rolling over to look at him. "Why have you not fixed your mirror?"</p>
<p>He knew it was a strange question, but it had been bothering him for some time now. The large, full-length mirror on Roman's wall was cracked in places, some bigger than others, with one quite large crack in the center. With Roman being in control of everything in the mind palace - as he was creativity, it made no sense to leave it broken.</p>
<p>Roman didn't answer right away, he just looked from Logan to the mirror, sitting up. Logan followed suit, worry growing.</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>"I can't." Roman finally confessed, a tired smile crossing his face. Logan had gotten better at recognizing Roman's state of mind, the past few months. He was upset, while moments earlier he'd been content and happy. But that made no sense. Why would Roman be unable to fix his own mirror?</p>
<p>"Why?" Logan raised an eyebrow. "You are creativity, aren't you? This room... it is purely you. Why can't you fix it - or is this a metaphorical inability?"</p>
<p>"The mirror..." Roman stared with a sad smile over at the mirror in question. "The mirror isn't something I created. I can't change it."</p>
<p>"Why is it here, then?" Logan asked irritably. "Who created it in your room?"</p>
<p>"I don't know." Roman sighed, looking at him worriedly. "I'm sorry, Logan. I know that must drive you crazy."</p>
<p>"It..." Logan adjusted his glasses, shaking his head. "It's alright, Roman. You can't just know everything, even if you want to." It would bug him, yes. But that was alright. "Do you know anything about it?"</p>
<p>Roman paused again, the way Logan knew meant he was choosing his words carefully - so unlike the person he pretended to be around the others. It warmed Logan's heart knowing that Roman was more genuine with him.</p>
<p>"The cracks change." he finally stated, speaking slowly and softly. "They change depending on... how I feel."</p>
<p>"What?" Logan frowned. "I thought you couldn't change it."</p>
<p>"I can't change it on purpose." Roman sighed, looking away. "But, whenever I feel insecure, or upset, or stressed, there are more cracks. Each crack represents something, I think. Not sure what represents what, but after a stressful audition, some go away. And if we take a break after a long creative push, some go away."</p>
<p>"Why?" Logan couldn't help but ask, even though he knew Roman had no answer. As expected, Roman just shook his head.</p>
<p>"I don't know, Logan." he sighed, exhausted. "I just know that sometimes I feel worse about myself, and there are more cracks. I do know that being with you has helped, immensely."</p>
<p>"Me?" Logan raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Just learning that you, I don't know, like me the way I liked you. It took some fear and stress away. And you... you see things more clearly sometimes. It helps. Not with everything, but it does."</p>
<p>"Oh." Logan leaned against his boyfriend's shoulder, eyes falling back to the mirror despite himself. Roman sighed softly, and in an unspoken agreement they lay back down, sitting in comfortable silence.</p>
<p>From that day on, Logan had a cheat system for knowing how his boyfriend felt. It wasn't really a cheat system, as Roman had told him about it. He would look at the mirror when he could, noting the circumstances of the changes within the cracks. And on days he wasn't sure why the one in the center had grown, stretching toward one corner, he would sit with Roman on his bed, or in the imagination, or watching Disney movies, and attempt to make him feel better.</p>
<p>Logan wasn't good at feelings - not dealing with them. He knew the science behind them - and he'd been studying psychology more and more for both Sanders Sides videos and for Roman - trying to understand the swings. The highs, the lows.</p>
<p>Roman didn't always have an answer, Logan found. Not one that he was willing to admit. He would see the way Roman breathed in as if to speak but just shook his head instead after Logan asked what was wrong.</p>
<p>So, over the months, Logan watched the mirror change. Small cracks around the edges, fading and growing over time. The one in the center - always there, never shrinking. It would expand occasionally, before going weeks at a time with no change to that crack whatsoever. Roman never talked about that one. He would sometimes mention smaller ones. Ones that vanished after a hard week, or a stressful moment. But when Logan tried to help, he just found himself pushed away. Roman wasn't willing to share yet, what bothered him so greatly. And Logan was beginning to worry.</p>
<p>The crack had reached the edge of the mirror, he saw one day when he woke in Roman's arms. It was wide, splitting the mirror nearly in two pieces, and the path it followed - jagged, and unlike a crack caused by one strike - made Logan wonder what on earth it could represent. And why it was so large. And why it hadn't left.</p>
<p>Roman made himself scarce that day, leaving just after breakfast.</p>
<p>Logan intended to follow - but was distracted as he found Patton in the middle of a breakdown - sobbing about the hundreds of suffering people on earth.</p>
<p>The issue took some time to resolve, but Logan finally managed to calm Patton and get him a plate of cookies.</p>
<p>Then he went up to Roman's room, knocking gently, more worried than ever when there was no response.</p>
<p>"Roman?" he called, opening the door slowly. "I-" Logan felt a chill race over him when he stepped inside - greeted by a sight he'd never even imagined.</p>
<p>The mirror was shattered.</p>
<p>Shards of the reflective glass covered the floor - as did droplets and spatters of blood.</p>
<p>Among the shards - cruel and jagged, unforgiving, lay Roman.</p>
<p>"Roman." Logan's voice was choked, and he forced himself to kneel at his boyfriends side. The glass stabbed into him, though he didn't feel pain. He never had - he was least affected by the imaginary world they all lived in.</p>
<p>Roman, on the other hand, was the most affected.</p>
<p>He always had been, Logan knew that.</p>
<p>But still, the sight of Roman's hands and face - sliced open and bleeding, staining his shirt red - horrified him.</p>
<p>"No - Roman, no." Logan's hands shook as he put a finger to Roman's neck, and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt the dull thumping of his pulse. "Roman? Can you hear me?"</p>
<p>Roman did not respond, but Logan figured that might be a good thing. He would freak out, always a drama king - though less so than he pretended.</p>
<p>Logan gently lifted Roman from the glass, making sure none was on his clothes or skin before putting him on the bed and bandaging the wounds. Roman remained asleep, and Logan was haunted by the broken mirror, standing there so innocently.</p>
<p>In an attempt to clean, Logan reached for a shard of glass only to find some invisible barrier stopping him from touching it. As if it - just an object - knew what he wanted to do.</p>
<p>"...Logan?" Logan whirled around, going to Roman's side instantly. He would worry about the mirror another time.</p>
<p>"Roman, dearest," Logan found himself choked up but swallowed and continued. "What happened?"</p>
<p>"Wh- I..." Roman blinked tears away, taking in the injuries he'd suffered on his arms, hands, and face. "It hurts."</p>
<p>"I know, I did my best, but-"</p>
<p>"No." Roman's voice was defeated, and he turned a gaze glassy with tears to Logan. "Everything. Everything hurts. It always hurts."</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?"</p>
<p>"Just... existing." Roman breathed, staring up at the ceiling. "It hurts so much, I hate it. I hate existing."</p>
<p>"No." Logan tried to mask his sudden panic, shaking his head. "Roman, that's not true. You're going to be okay - we can fix this."</p>
<p>"No, we can't!" Roman's voice cracked miserably. "We can't fix it, Logan. I told you, I can't control things I didn't create."</p>
<p>"Why not?" Logan snapped, irritated. Roman stared at him. "Well? You can eat the food Patton summons. Why can't you fix a mirror?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman winced, face twisted in agony, and Logan hated it. "It's just not how things work."</p>
<p>"We can try, Roman," Logan said, nearly begging. "We can learn, we can... we can do what we can do." Roman said nothing, just stared up at the ceiling again. "Please, Roman. There has to be something better than ceasing to exist."</p>
<p>"Something." Roman hummed, eyes fluttering closed as he ran a finger along Logan's knuckles. "Just one thing?"</p>
<p>"One." Logan whispered. One thing that Roman could build upon - use as a base to restack his life. One thing that could start to undo the months of damage that Logan had missed, somehow.</p>
<p>"You," Roman said, voice barely above a whisper.</p>
<p>"Wh- what?" Logan sat back, surprised.</p>
<p>"You're something." Roman hummed to himself. "I think."</p>
<p>"Of course... I am a metaphysical-"</p>
<p>"Something better." Roman clarified, still not opening his eyes. "You're so much better."</p>
<p>"...I don't understand."</p>
<p>"You... you're something... you kept me together this long, Lo." Logan bit his lip, filled with unknown emotions as he realized what Roman was saying. "You stayed, even when I hated myself so much it hurt. And when I thought no one cared, or even when I hated you."</p>
<p>"Of course I did." Logan murmured softly, pressing a kiss to Roman's bandaged forehead. "You are... important. To me." Roman smiled, opening his eyes.</p>
<p>"And you're something."</p>
<p>A piece of the mirror slid back into place. A small one - in the center of the gaping hole left by what had happened.</p>
<p>It took quite a while for Roman to be alright again - and Logan knew he would never fully heal. He knew that the mirror would always have some cracks - but that didn't mean anything.</p>
<p>"Kintsugi," he said one day, running his hands through Roman's hair as they sat on Romans bed. He could see Roman staring at the mirror, still spiderwebbed with cracks. "Is a Japanese art form. That when something breaks - say, a vase - it is repaired it with gold." Roman hummed, not looking away from his cracked reflection. "Kintsugi is poetically translated to mean golden joinery. This also raises the broken objects value - as it is beautiful in its own unique way, despite the scars. They've been doing it for centuries."</p>
<p>"That's something. I like that," Roman said softly, watching the mirror for another reason now, as one of the cracks on the edge faded away. "Thank you, Logan."</p>
<p>Logan just smiled, finding that he loved Roman more every day, even with the parts that Roman despised about himself. </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ooof that fluff is sickening. Like I said, NOT how I usually write these fics - but I couldn't help it. I hope you enjoyed it, and don't worry because there's going to be plenty more Angst and pain where that came from! </p>
<p>Thanks for reading and take care of yourselves!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Matters of the Soul</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 22, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: manipulation, toxic relationship, suicide, suicidal thoughts, drowning, emotional/physical abuse, implied smut, sad ending, corrupted soulmate bond</p>
<p>Soulmate AU that goes awry...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman was always obsessed with the idea of his soulmate. Most people were, true, especially in high school, but he took it to the next level. For hours, he'd daydream about what his soulmate would look like, where they lived, what they were doing right at that exact moment. Wonder how they would meet, if his soulmate would like him, if they ever would meet.</p>
<p>Not a lot of people ended up meeting their soulmates, but Roman was sure he would meet his. He had to, it was all he cared about. Nothing in his mind seemed to matter but finding the person who had a matching crown somewhere on their body.</p>
<p>All Roman really wanted was to meet his soulmate - but he did not want it to be like this.</p>
<p>Damien Miller, the self-proclaimed 'bad boy' of the school. Really, all he was was a bully. A jerk. He thought he was better than everyone else, and he didn't care about anyone's feelings. Roman knew a lot of people hated him, though Roman hadn't really ever spoken to him. He didn't even know how Damien found out he was having a party - but he wasn't going to refuse to let the guy hang out. Maybe he just needed friends, right? And Roman didn't want to become a target for the guy.</p>
<p>It was a stupid game, truth or dare. Roman loved and hated it all at the same time. They sat around in a circle, laughing at each other and making each other do stupid things.</p>
<p>"Roman, truth or dare?" Virgil - one of the stage crew - asked.</p>
<p>"Dare," Roman said, despite Virgil having a reputation for giving the most awkward dares. Everyone laughed, listening for Virgil's response.</p>
<p>"Okay, Princey." he laughed. "I dare you to..." he paused, glancing around, then grinned. "Kiss Damien."</p>
<p>Soft laughs echoed around, and the boy in a leather jacket and gloves despite the warmth, looking over at Roman with a raised eyebrow.</p>
<p>"That's all you've got?" Roman laughed, getting to his feet. "You're going soft, Emo."</p>
<p>"Still haven't done it." Virgil taunted. Roman rolled his eyes, walking over and plopping down next to Damien.</p>
<p>"Consent, Miller?"</p>
<p>"Wouldn't want you to lose at your own party." Damien drawled. Roman laughed, gently grabbing Damien's face and pulling him into a kiss.</p>
<p>The moment their skin touched, soft gasps echoed through the living room, and Roman felt a burning, wonderful sensation on his neck, where the outline of a crown was now glowing.</p>
<p>He sat back, eyes wide, and Damien smirked at him, eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"Would you look at that," he hummed, meeting Roman's eyes. "It appears the two of us are soulmates, aren't we?"</p>
<p>"Holy shit." Virgil covered his mouth, and the others around were whispering softly.</p>
<p>Roman didn't know what to think.</p>
<p>Damien... no way. He couldn't possibly be Roman's soulmate. He was nothing like Roman - he was rude and cruel and a horrible person. Roman had let him stay at the party out of pity, a joke. Damien still watched him, the glowing that shone through the back of his glove fading as they lost contact.</p>
<p>"We, uh..." Roman looked away to find that his friends had trickled away, leaving through the front door. Virgil was pulling on his sneakers. "See you on Monday, Ro."</p>
<p>"Vee-"</p>
<p>But he was gone. Damien stayed silent, though he pulled off his gloves and looked at the mark there with interest.</p>
<p>"Speechless, Princey?"</p>
<p>"I don't-"</p>
<p>Damien reached up - hand now bare - and cupped Roman's cheek in his.</p>
<p>That amazing sensation returned, and Roman's neck glowed as did the back of Damien's hand.</p>
<p>"Soulmates." Damien smiled, a smile Roman didn't recognize as one of his sarcastic sneers or taunts.</p>
<p>"N-no." Roman scrambled back, and Damien's face fell into one of confusion. "No, I... that's impossible."</p>
<p>"Roman, obviously it's not." Damien snapped softly.</p>
<p>"I can't be your soulmate." Roman insisted, heart, pounding as he imagined the implication. "I... you're nothing like me. Do you have any idea what people would say if they- if we-"</p>
<p>"They already know," Damien pointed out. "Your friends are nice, Roman, but they don't keep secrets very well. Everyone will know by Monday, anyway."</p>
<p>"No." Roman buried his head in his hands. "I... this is ridiculous. There's no way."</p>
<p>"Well," Damien slowly got to his feet, crestfallen, and pulled his glove back on. "I'll leave you be, then." Roman looked up at him, shocked, as Damien started toward the door.</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"I'll see you on Monday, Prince." Damien drawled over his shoulder. "I hope you'll make your mind up by then."</p>
<p>And then he was gone.</p>
<p>Roman fell onto the couch, mind spinning.</p>
<p>This wasn't possible. It was ridiculous. Him and Damien Miller? Everyone would hate Roman. That, or, maybe Damien would change? Maybe he'd stop being a jerk to everyone? Roman didn't know what to think. He barely could.</p>
<p>He stayed in his bedroom all weekend, despite his parents and brothers' efforts to get him to talk to them.</p>
<p>Finally, on Sunday night, Remus managed to pick the lock and join Roman on the bed, where he was staring up at the ceiling with thoughts swirling in his mind too fast for him to comprehend.</p>
<p>"Ah." Remus reached down, running a thumb over Roman's soul-mark - which had changed from black lines to red, after touching Damien. "That's what's got you all in a tizzy, brother."</p>
<p>Roman hummed in confirmation, not looking over.</p>
<p>"But why aren't you singing?" Remus asked softly. "Annoying everyone and parading them around? Gushing about your dearest soulmate where everyone can hear?"</p>
<p>His voice was tinged with bitterness, and Roman knew why. His brother didn't have a soul-mark, implying that he most likely didn't have a soulmate and - to some people - that he didn't have a soul, either.</p>
<p>"I..."</p>
<p>"Well? Out with it, this isn't like you and I'm getting tired of having to annoy our parents all by myself." Remus snapped.</p>
<p>"It's Miller," Roman said numbly. "Damien Miller."</p>
<p>"O-oh."</p>
<p>Remus fell silent at that, and Roman knew the reason behind that, too. Damien was a bully - and while he'd never hurt Roman, he'd made his fair share of cruel remarks to Remus about his lack of a soulmate.</p>
<p>The two sat there in silence for a while after that, Roman's heart aching for two reasons. The idea of not being with his soulmate plagued him, and ever since Damien left, it had felt like a gaping hole in Romans chest. That, and the knowledge that if he did go forward with Damien, he would be hurting those close to him. There was no winning, with this.</p>
<p>"Well," Remus finally stood, over an hour later. Roman turned his head, watching him. "I hope you two work it out. I can feel your pain from here, and I know how soulmates work." of course he did. Remus had researched so much into soulmates, finally discovering the condition that only seemed to plague identical twins. One with a soulmate, and one without.</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"Don't ruin this." Remus snapped, pulling Roman up to sit. Roman stared at him. "You are the only one of us that will ever get to have a soulmate. If you blow it, I'll never forgive you."</p>
<p>"But he-"</p>
<p>"I don't care what he's done!" Remus insisted. "He's your... he's your soulmate. That's all that matters."</p>
<p>"Are you..."</p>
<p>"Just... don't abandon me." Remus spoke softly, tears in his eyes. Roman winced. "Keep being my brother, will you?"</p>
<p>"Yeah." Roman nodded. "Of course, Ree, I-"</p>
<p>"Then you know what you'll do." Remus declared. "Tomorrow, you'll find Damien and fix whatever you broke when you found out it was him. Got that?"</p>
<p>"Yeah." Roman smiled, hugging Remus tightly. "Thanks."</p>
<p>"Of course." Remus sighed softly. "You need to do this for us."</p>
<p>And so, Roman found himself walking over to Damien the next morning before school. The whispers and looks, and withering stares sent his way did nothing to stop him. Damien was sitting where he usually did, lounging on the stairs with his phone out. He didn't seem surprised when Roman walked up and raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Well, Princey?"</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Roman plopped down next to him, staring at his hands. "I was just, surprised. I guess. But we're soulmates, and that's what matters." he glanced up wearily, and Damien's face had split into a wide grin.</p>
<p>"I'd say I knew you'd come around," Damien said softly, taking Roman's hand in his gloved one. "But I didn't."</p>
<p>"Sorry." Roman apologized again, leaning his head on Damien's shoulder, feeling the warmth envelop him as soon as his hair brushed Damien's neck.</p>
<p>"It's alright, dearest." Damien put his phone away, moving to wrap his arm around Roman's shoulder, taking his hand with the other one instead. "I didn't make a great first impression on you, anyway." Roman laughed softly, closing his eyes. He felt whole again, the gaping emptiness in his heart was filled as he sat next to his soulmate. Things would be fine, after all, they were made for each other.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Several things changed after Roman and Damien started to date. Roman became less popular. But Damien became more popular - meeting the two in the middle. Damien refrained from being cruel needlessly, instead of spending his free time with Roman, hands clasped tightly, or tangled in a hug. Roman loved it - Damien was intoxicating. Every moment Roman was away from him was agony, and he sought Damien out more and more when he had free time.</p>
<p>Homework, extracurriculars, and family fell to the wayside as they spent more time together. Roman lost his straight-A status, and his place on the drama team, but he didn't care. He spent the time earned from that with Damien, sitting together or driving aimlessly while they listened to music. He stayed out later, missing dinner with his family and sometimes not going home, instead spending the night with Damien.</p>
<p>His parents understood - being soulmates themselves - and Roman always made sure to hang out with Remus on the weekends when Damien had work. But he drifted slowly away from everything and everyone that didn't have to do with Damien.</p>
<p>"I love you." Damien had said softly, mumbling into Roman's mouth during a heated make-out session. Roman had melted, letting Damien hold him tighter, the sensation of his soulmate touching him clouding over his senses.</p>
<p>"I love you too," Roman responded breathlessly, minutes later once he'd regained his breath, Damien pulling back slightly so he could see Roman's face.</p>
<p>Damien smiled, bending to press a kiss to Roman's soul-mark, just under his jaw where he was most sensitive. Roman gasped, letting Damien attack the spot and surrounding skin, and he was gone again. Not resurfacing for over an hour, as the two teens became lost in arousal and emotion.</p>
<p>They fell asleep, wrapped in a tangled hug, and Roman listened to Damien's heartbeat as he drifted off. Strong, confident, everything that Roman had always wanted to be.</p>
<p>Of course, Roman knew that things weren't perfect in their relationship. But this wasn't just a relationship, right? They were soulmates, and nothing else mattered.</p>
<p>"You know I'm right," Damien said one night, driving past Roman's house instead of dropping him off. Roman nodded silently, knowing that his brother expected him to keep the promise of a movie night. He'd text Remus to tell him, but Damien always had his phone when they were together. To keep them in the moment, he said.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I know." Roman smiled, and let Damien go further that night, biting his neck gently and bringing Roman's thoughts to blobs of nothingness like he always did.</p>
<p>Roman wasn't sure how it happened, and he might not have even realized had Virgil not cornered him one day, but it wasn't how it was supposed to be.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Roman looked up, Virgil having grabbed his arm. "We have to talk."</p>
<p>"I can't right now." Roman shook his head. "I'm meeting Dee-"</p>
<p>"He's hurting you." Virgil insisted. "Manipulating you, Roman. Don't you see? You never do anything but hang out with him, and-"</p>
<p>"We're soulmates!" Roman pointed out. "He's not manipulative, Virgil. You just don't like him."</p>
<p>"I have reasons!" Virgil insisted. "He's a jerk, and he's-"</p>
<p>"Shut up." Roman shoved Virgil away, heart twisting in his chest. "You don't know what you're talking about."</p>
<p>"Yes I do, I-"</p>
<p>Roman turned away before he finished, storming out the doors toward Damien's car, where he was waiting in the driver's seat.</p>
<p>"What's wrong?" Damien asked when Roman got in. Roman sighed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"Nothing."</p>
<p>"Don't lie," Damien said, starting the engine and pulling out of the parking lot. "I don't want you to ever lie to me, Roman."</p>
<p>"I know..." Roman sighed. "Virgil's just being a jerk. He thinks you're manipulating me."</p>
<p>"Really." Damien's voice was soft, and Roman nodded. "How did that conversation begin, Roman? Talking about me behind my back?"</p>
<p>"Wh- of course not!" Roman sputtered, staring at him. Damien didn't look over, he seemed upset. "Dee, he's just-"</p>
<p>"Maybe you shouldn't talk to Virgil anymore," Damien said gently as Roman's phone went off. "Who is that?"</p>
<p>Roman pulled it out, seeing it was Virgil himself who had just texted him.</p>
<p>"Virgil," he muttered. "He texted me because he thinks you-"</p>
<p>"Give me the phone." Damien held out a hand, and Roman obeyed. Damien set the phone on the dashboard, falling silent as they drove out toward the lake, notifications dinging every few moments.</p>
<p>Damien stopped his car above the beach, in a place they loved to sit and watch the ducks and sunset, and usually ended up making out.</p>
<p>"Read the texts," Damien said, handing the phone back to him. Roman swallowed, opening his phone. "Out loud, if you please."</p>
<p>"Alright..." Roman looked down, reading softly as Virgil talked about Damien's manipulative past and behaviors, and how Roman needed to get help. When he looked up, it was like a shadow had fallen over Damien's face. "Dee, I don't care what he says," he promised.</p>
<p>Damien got out of the car, and Roman hurried after him.</p>
<p>"I swear, I love you, Damien!" he said tearfully, following Damien to the end of the small dock. Damien held out his hand again. "D-Damien?"</p>
<p>"Phone."</p>
<p>"I left it," Roman said, gesturing to the car. "You don't like me having it when we're together, so-"</p>
<p>Damien cut him off, grabbing his hand and pulling him into a heated kiss. Roman's thoughts melted away as he did, not caring that they stood dangerously on the end of the dock, no railing to keep them from falling into the water. Not caring that Damien's hands were rough, pulling Roman close so they could press against each other.</p>
<p>His hands tangled in Damien's hair when Damien started kissing his soul-mark again, the warmth and pleasure overcoming his senses.</p>
<p>Suddenly, though, something was wrong.</p>
<p>They were falling. Damien kept Roman held tightly to him, fingers sharp and cruel as they plunged into the frigid water below.</p>
<p>Roman gasped, fighting Damien's grip as they were surrounded by inky darkness, only to bob up into the afternoon light moments later. Damien kept holding him, kissing Roman deeply again.</p>
<p>"D-Damien...!" Roman protested, shivering slightly. "I-I can't..."</p>
<p>"Shh." Damien smiled, pressing a hand over Roman's mouth. "It's alright, love."</p>
<p>"I don't like this," Roman said, pulling Damien's hand away. "I want to get out-"</p>
<p>Damien shoved his head under the water, holding it there as Roman fought against his grip. What was going on? What was he doing? Roman struggled to hold his breath, and dots danced in his vision when Damien pulled him back up.</p>
<p>He gasped for breath, blinking water out of his eyes to see Damien's face twisted in a strange expression.</p>
<p>"D-"</p>
<p>Roman was underwater again, thoughts racing and all feeling of love and attraction gone - his soul-mark didn't even glow, now, despite Damien's skin touching his.</p>
<p>"Don't talk unless I tell you to," Damien said when he pulled Roman up, Roman nodded, sputtering as he tried to suck in oxygen.</p>
<p>Damien pulled them over to the dock again, getting onto it before pulling Roman up beside him.</p>
<p>Roman lay on the planks beside him for a while, just trying to figure out what had happened.</p>
<p>Damien held his hand tightly and smiled when Roman turned to look at him. He reached out and gently brushed Roman's soul-mark with a wet gloved finger, shaking his head. Roman smiled back, letting Damien pull him into a gentle embrace.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"No." Roman's nails dug into his arms as he hugged himself, tears burning his face. "No. No, that's impossible."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, sweetheart." his mom said gently. "But he's gone."</p>
<p>"NO!" Roman's voice tore at his throat.</p>
<p>Damien was gone. He killed himself. After everything that happened, he killed himself and didn't care what Roman went through. After he'd caused the marks to grow toxic, a dull yellow replacing the red, he'd left Roman alone. It wasn't fair it wasn't fair it wasn't fair!</p>
<p>"Roman..." Roman didn't react to the soft voice beside him. Remus didn't understand. How could he? He didn't have a soulmate.</p>
<p>"Go away," Roman whispered numbly, reaching up to scratch at the mark, which with Damien's passing, had become a cruel broken scar.</p>
<p>"Please just-"</p>
<p>"Go away!" Roman shoved his brother away, mind spinning. Nothing mattered. He didn't care he didn't care he didn't care. Damien was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. He didn't have a soulmate anymore, and it was all Damien's fault.</p>
<p>He didn't have anyone anymore.</p>
<p>Roman curled in on himself, silent, and devoured by his thoughts. Nothing mattered.</p>
<p>Damien was the only one who'd ever mattered, and now he was gone.</p>
<p>And Roman ached to join him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>OUch. Okay, part of me thinks I went overboard on this one but I also know this is an angst book and you LITERALLY all want this wow we're a bunch of monsters, aren't we. huh.</p>
<p>Anyway, thanks for reading! Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Not Alright</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 24, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: angst, self-hatred, self-deprecation, food mention, open/sad ending</p>
<p>Roman is tired of pretending</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"I'm not feeling any love, or misery because it's a mystery for me alone!"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm not feeling any love."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm not feeling any love."</em>
</p>
<p>The words echoed in Roman's head as the statement was ignored. As he was ignored. Denied information about Thomas - who he was a part of. How didn't he know? How did he not know what was going on with Thomas? He let himself be distracted, thinking it possible to fill the aching void in his heart.</p>
<p>And then his world became dark.</p>
<p>It was Remus, he found when he'd woken. And they'd solved the problem without him, and Remus told Thomas he didn't need Roman. Roman tried his best to hide his pain, like he always did, making metaphors and grand gestures. He sank out before Thomas could stop him, shoulders falling as soon as he reached his room.</p>
<p>They never noticed. Not anymore. He would slip up - say something showing his pain - and no one cared.</p>
<p>
  <em>"The one and lonely."</em>
</p>
<p>And after filming, he'd been alone once again.</p>
<p>Lonely.</p>
<p>He felt so incredibly lonely.</p>
<p>Roman gasped, sinking to his knees as his chest seemed to rip open with the pain. No one cared. They didn't. All his hard work, all the time he'd spent trying to be a prince. Confident, suave, perfect, secure, wasted.</p>
<p>Thomas knew about Remus, now. He knew what Roman could have been - what he'd been hiding all this time. Thomas was important. Roman's eyes burned with tears and he held back a sob.</p>
<p>Thomas was so much more important than he was. Roman knew that. Roman wasn't real - he was just a piece. A piece of the Thomas puzzle and he couldn't do this anymore.</p>
<p>Thomas was so confused, trying to figure himself out, and Roman was just making it harder. Like the puzzle was a fire truck, but he was a bright blue piece right in the center. Hiding. Making everything worse for everyone around him.</p>
<p>And they didn't care. Roman knew they didn't.</p>
<p>What did he have to hide, now?</p>
<p>Nothing.</p>
<p>Roman stumbled to his bed, collapsing into the blankets with a soft sob.</p>
<p>He had nothing to hide - so why hide nothing?</p>
<p>He fell asleep, troubled.</p>
<p>And when he woke up, he stopped hiding it.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Wow, you look awful." Virgil teased when Roman shuffled into the kitchen. Roman hummed, grumbling something under his breath as he opened the fridge. Virgil raised an eyebrow. "What's up?"</p>
<p>"I'm still a piece of garbage." Roman sang softly, pulling out a Tupperware container and opening it, sniffing slightly. Virgil smirked at the reference, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>"Okay, Princey. Let me know how that goes for you." he chuckled, walking out to the commons to turn on a conspiracy show before Roman got the remote. Roman didn't reply, but that was fine. He was probably just being dramatic - that was his job, anyway. He'd get over it, whatever 'it' even was.</p>
<p>But... he didn't.</p>
<p>Virgil felt annoyed at first when Roman started being self-deprecating. That was... kinda Virgil's thing, and he'd gotten over it for Patton. But Roman didn't care how many times Patton warned him, and he just... didn't stop. It was like he didn't care.</p>
<p>"Guess I'll just go cry myself to sleep then," Roman remarked after an argument about a video, turning to the stairs. "See you guys later, I guess."</p>
<p>"Roman-"</p>
<p>But he was already gone. Virgil bit his thumbnail anxiously, looking at Logan and Patton. Patton's face was crumpled sadly, and Logan's brow was creased in concern.</p>
<p>"I believe..." he finally murmured. "There is something wrong with Roman."</p>
<p>"Y'don't say." Virgil rolled his eyes. "When did you figure that out, teach? Just now, or yesterday when he made a not-funny joke about starving himself?" Patton bit his lip, tears starting down his face.</p>
<p>"I noticed about a week ago." Logan snapped. "I've been watching him and taking notes to ensure I wasn't jumping to conclusions. Now I'm sure I'm not, as you all have obviously noticed as well, and we need to do something."</p>
<p>"It's just so unlike him," Patton said softly, rubbing his tears away with the heel of his hand. "I don't get it. Why... why is he saying stuff like that about himself?"</p>
<p>"Well, most of them are untrue," Virgil suggested anger curling in his gut. "What if Deceit is behind this?" Patton's eyes widened worriedly, and Logan hummed, adjusting his glasses.</p>
<p>"Well, we could always ask..."</p>
<p>Deceit appeared as soon as he spoke, a brow raised and an unimpressed look on his face.</p>
<p>"About time you don't have an explanation," he drawled. "I've had so much work to do lately, I was beginning to think you hadn't noticed."</p>
<p>"Whaaaat...?" Patton glanced over and Virgil sighed, mentally translating Deceit's warped speech.</p>
<p>"What do you mean you haven't had much work to do lately?" he snapped. "You've been lying to Roman for who knows how long!" Deceit's eyes widened in surprise, and Virgil was baffled to note that it was legitimate.</p>
<p>"Me? Talking to Roman?" he shook his head. "I've only started doing that recently, my dear."</p>
<p>"Oh, shut up." Virgil snarled. "Of course you've been talking to him recently!"</p>
<p>"Virgil," Logan spoke softly and Virgil sighed, glaring at Deceit. Deceit turned to Logan, arms folded.</p>
<p>"Alright, let's cut the crap." Deceit said briskly, all regular sarcasm gone from his voice. He was being honest right now, and Virgil didn't know what that meant. "What is going on with Roman?"</p>
<p>"We were going to ask you," Logan sighed. "He's been talking badly about himself, things that are obviously lies. So we assumed you had a part to play."</p>
<p>"A part to play." Deceit echoed, then sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I had a part to play, until three weeks ago when Roman stopped lying."</p>
<p>"Sto- stopped lying?" Patton asked in alarm. "What do you mean he stopped lying?"</p>
<p>"Stopped acting!" Deceit hissed, rolling his eyes. "Stopped showing you all what you wanted to see! Lies of omission, Patton. You know exactly what I mean. Every lie any of you tell - be it commission, omission, character, - goes by me first. I don't look at all of them, I have more important things to focus on."</p>
<p>"Like what, snake-face?" Virgil snarled.</p>
<p>"Like Thomas." Deceit snarled. "Thomas is more important than the feelings of one of us, say, Roman. As long as Roman continues to do his job, his feelings don't matter. As long as Thomas is alright, I don't care."</p>
<p>"W-wow..." Patton swallowed thickly. "Are you serious? I-"</p>
<p>"However," Deceit interrupted. "It appears that Roman's lies were far greater than I thought. Almost everything he did contained a lie of some kind. Omission, mostly. Character lies. Far more lies of commission than I realized. And now, he's stopped."</p>
<p>"Why?" Virgil demanded, hands curling into fists. "Why would you do that? Why aren't you letting him lie?"</p>
<p>"It's not my decision." Deceit rolled his eyes, and Virgil knew he was telling the truth. "It's Roman's."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman, sweetie?" Roman looked up from his notebook, eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"One moment." he got up, crossing to the door only to open it to three worried faces. He frowned. "What's the matter? Still upset over me hating myself?"</p>
<p>The words came naturally now, and he didn't even think to stop them. Patton's face crumbled, and he tried to grab Roman in a hug, but Roman stepped away.</p>
<p>"Roman... what can we do?" Logan said softly.</p>
<p>"Nothing. I'm hopeless at this point." Roman rolled his eyes. Patton sniffled, obviously holding back sobs. "Sorry if you don't like it, but I got tired of pretending to be alright."</p>
<p>"We want to help you!" Patton whimpered, holding out his arms. Roman shook his head.</p>
<p>"No, you don't," he said softly. "I know you don't. You want me to start lying again. You don't want me to be okay, you want to think I am. You don't care, Patton. And I accept that."</p>
<p>"Wh-what?" Patton's voice broke, and Roman shook his head.</p>
<p>"I'm not going to force myself to be something I'm not," he said, closing the door between them. "And I'm not alright."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>MWAHAHAHAHA I mean after the fluff in the last chapter I figured I was allowed to just completely destroy everyone's souls and give this an absolutely heart-crushing ending so there we go. </p>
<p>Thanks for reading!!!</p>
<p>Love you guys,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Difficult</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 26, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: self-deprecation, self-hatred, lying, nightmares, violence, not taking care of oneself, may be considered self harm, food mentions, Roman is not okay</p>
<p>Another take on Pride!Roman (this is a long one)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman knew he was prideful - so what? He was literally the piece of Thomas that dealt with his ego and his pride. He'd had that pointed out various times, in and out of videos, as proof that he was a problem. Even Patton - sweet Patton - agreed that Roman was a bit self-centered. He never voiced it, but Roman knew it was something Patton didn't agree with. Logan and Virgil allowed it, to an extent, as Thomas thinking about himself sometimes was necessary, but that was the only reason they ever tolerated it.</p>
<p>Always quick to deflate him if he got too proud of something, always reminding him that they had to grow and would never be perfect. That was their job, and he knew that.</p>
<p>But he also knew that sides had the potential to change.</p>
<p>With Virgil, it had been positive. But that didn't mean it would be with others. The knowledge that he could change, turn into something that no one wanted just because he wanted to love himself and Thomas, terrified him. It kept him up late, finding flaws in himself that proved he wasn't right to be so proud of himself.</p>
<p>That wasn't the only thing keeping him up late, though.</p>
<p>Dreams were a strange thing, for Roman. He controlled Thomas's dreams - but only subconsciously. He needed sleep too, after all. And his own dreams took place in the imagination, where he'd wake up in random places and go through the dream, amusing himself until Thomas awoke.</p>
<p>Dreams were a strange thing. And so were nightmares.</p>
<p>Thomas did not have nightmares when Roman did. Not the same ones, not at the same time - in fact, Remus was in charge of nightmares. No, Roman's nightmares came from somewhere else. Maybe nowhere.</p>
<p>The nightmares started slowly. He'd look in a mirror and see a twisted grin staring back - and it wasn't Remus. It was him. Actually him, dressed up in more extravagant ways than normal, standing as if he was the best thing on earth. That was fine. He'd just turn away, focusing on something else. Until the other him stepped out of the mirror.</p>
<p>"You know we're the same." he'd said cooly, wrapping an arm around Roman's shoulders. He was taller than Roman was - nearly half a head taller. "You know you're becoming more like me every day. Look at this." he brushed the gold around Roman's collar with a finger, and Roman shuddered. "You just think so much of yourself, don't you? Self-love? Ha! You just want a reason to look in the mirror more. To see me, more."</p>
<p>"No, I don't." Roman pushed him away. "Leave me alone. I'm not you."</p>
<p>"Yes, you are!" Pride laughed. "Thomas has no side called Pride - not yet, at least. You are well on your way to evolving into me, as paranoia did."</p>
<p>"His name is Virgil!" Roman snapped, reaching for his sword.</p>
<p>"Oh, yes, how noble of you!" Pride's eyes shone with admiration, and Roman hesitated, unsure if it was real or not. "Such a wonderful prince, protecting his loved ones best he can! Truly deserves to be crowned a king like me." Roman's eyes flicked up to Pride's head, where an ornate crown shimmered into being.</p>
<p>"I am not like you."</p>
<p>"Not yet you're not." Pride grinned, grabbing his wrists tightly, despite Roman struggling. "But soon, you'll stop truly caring about the others, won't you? Stop caring for Virgil. Stop caring for even Thomas, I'm afraid."</p>
<p>"No, I won't!"</p>
<p>Roman sat up in bed, breathing hard. Pride was gone, he was alone. But the twisted sides voice still echoed in his mind.</p>
<p>He'd told the others he was working on self-love, all those months ago. Why had he said that? Why had he worked so hard to love himself when this was the consequence? He was troubled all day, not leaving his room as he forced himself into his work.</p>
<p>The next night, Pride came back.</p>
<p>"See, I knew you would miss me." He claimed, grabbing Roman in a bruising hold. "We're one and the same, you and I. And you love yourself, right? That means you love me."</p>
<p>"N- wait." Roman shook his head, baffled. "We- we aren't the same!"</p>
<p>"Yes, we are." Pride insisted. "Maybe not yet, but someday."</p>
<p>"No." Roman insisted, unable to pull himself from Pride's arms. Pride didn't let go of him until Roman woke up, pulling him into twisted dances and whispering in his ear about what he was to become.</p>
<p>Roman scrambled out of bed, unable to stop himself from looking in the mirror. Pride stared back, grinning cruelly. He turned away, pinching himself furiously until a bruise blossomed up, and then looked back. His own terrified reflection stared back.</p>
<p>The memory of being too weak to fight against Pride made Roman shudder, and he got dressed quickly, grabbing his sword before sinking out to the imagination.</p>
<p>He would just have to train, he decided. Becoming Pride wasn't an option. He'd train and he'd fight, only to protect the others. Protect Virgil, and Patton, and Logan. Even Remus and the dark sides, who Pride had cursed and threatened in Roman's ear last night. He'd protect Thomas from Pride, and he would never change.</p>
<p>He didn't need to be a king, despite what Pride said. A prince was fine. Not perfect, not even close. And Roman didn't care, because he no longer wanted to be perfect.</p>
<p>In the imagination, he crafted an arena. A training area, lined with racks of weapons and equipment. He stood in the center, sword already drawn when he created the illusion of another side before him.</p>
<p>Pride grinned, and Roman winced as he released control, giving the figment only the desire to hurt him.</p>
<p>Pride was like he had been in the dream, but not quite. He'd work up to that. Roman had to practice fighting and work up until Pride was stronger than ever. That's how it worked, and he knew it.</p>
<p>Their weapons clashed, and Roman didn't leave the imagination all day, working himself to the bone as he battled the figment of his nightmares. Every time he felt tired, or wanted a break, he thought of what Pride had said in his dream, saying he cared nothing for his friends and family, that he could get rid of them with a snap of his fingers, and he pushed himself harder.</p>
<p>Roman collapsed into bed that night, exhausted, only to find himself in Pride's arms once again in his dream.</p>
<p>"No..." Roman pulled weakly against the hold, and Pride just laughed.</p>
<p>"You think you can stop this? Prevent the inevitable?" he shook his head, hands tangling in Roman's hair. "Good luck, Prince Roman. You'll need it, because soon I will consume you, and you and I will be the same."</p>
<p>"Never," Roman said through gritted teeth as Pride pressed his arm against Roman's throat, tightening slowly.</p>
<p>He didn't remember much of the dream, after that.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"You okay, kiddo?" Roman looked up from his food, blinking rapidly.</p>
<p>"Huh?"</p>
<p>"You just seem tired." Patton smiled comfortingly, while Logan and Virgil continued their debate about some conspiracy or another. "Have you been sleeping?"</p>
<p>"Oh, yeah, of course." Roman forced a laugh. "Sorry, Padre. Just lost in thought, don't you worry about me..."</p>
<p>Sleeping. What an interesting concept. He thought he was, but between spending more and more time in the imagination when he was awake, and always fighting Pride no matter if it was day or night, Roman couldn't be sure anymore. Were the dreams still dreams? Or was he losing the battle? They were dreams, he was positive. He was still here, after all. And he still didn't want to become like Pride.</p>
<p>"Okay, well just take it easy." Patton put a hand on Roman's shoulder and Roman nodded.</p>
<p>"Of course!" he beamed brightly, and it was so exhausting.</p>
<p>He could hear Pride's voice in his mind, detailing how he'd rip Patton apart with insults and cruel words before ending it, destroying his very essence in the void of the subconscious. It made him feel nauseous, and Roman hated the fact that it was planned in such detail. He would never. He knew that. He would die before he let anything happen to Patton or any of the other sides.</p>
<p>"I think I'll go to bed early, tonight." Roman stood up, stretching and avoiding Patton's pointed look at the near untouched food in front of him. "You three have a good night!"</p>
<p>"Night, Princey." Virgil saluted, and Roman sank down into his bedroom, slouching over in exhaustion.</p>
<p>He had to keep training. He had to protect them. He spared no look at his bed as he grabbed the sword and sank down once more, meeting up with Pride in the arena.</p>
<p>This figment Roman had created was more real, now. He knew that the Pride in his dreams had latched onto it, twisting him into losing control over the imagination, and this arena, and how strong the figment could be.</p>
<p>"There you are, Princey." Pride grinned, drawing a sword of his own. "Late night session?"</p>
<p>"I'll defeat you," Roman said, despite the exhaustion pulling him down. "I always will, and you know it."</p>
<p>"No." Pride was faster than before, rushing to plunge his blade into Roman's chest, and Roman barely dodged it, sword clashing against the other. "You'll fail, and you'll become Pride. I know you will. So do you."</p>
<p>"NO!" Roman screamed, summoning the last of his strength to attack, locked in a violent dance between him and the figment. It was still a figment, right? He could destroy it at will. Roman pushed the thought away, fighting harder, watching in dismay as he was disarmed and pushed to the ground.</p>
<p>"Pathetic." Pride sneered, one heeled boot pressing into the side of Roman's face, keeping him down. "You can't even focus long enough to spar. How are you so sure that you care about the others at all, with that kind of motivation?"</p>
<p>"I do," Roman growled, trying to push himself to his feet. Pride let him, surprisingly, putting the sword back in Roman's hands.</p>
<p>"Prove it."</p>
<p>Roman tried.</p>
<p>He pushed himself beyond his limits and found himself failing again and again. Pride finally stopped, shaking his head in dismissal. Roman stood before him, chest heaving, battered and bruised.</p>
<p>"Go to bed, Princey." Pride sneered. "You need your rest if you're going to defeat me."</p>
<p>Roman said nothing, sinking from the imagination to his room, where he fell onto his bed and slept without bothering with his filthy clothes or the blankets.</p>
<p>And Pride met him in his dreams, in the throne room of his castle.</p>
<p>"Thought you could get stronger by avoiding me?" he asked smoothly, pulling Roman forward with an iron grip on his jaw. "Oh Roman, how naive."</p>
<p>"Let go," Roman begged weakly as Pride's hand moved to grip around his neck. Pride shook his head, barely amused.</p>
<p>"Now, Roman. You need your rest."</p>
<p>He pulled Roman to the throne, sitting before guiding Roman to sit on the floor beside it. Golden chains rose from the ground, wrapping around his arms and pulling him to his knees, cutting into his skin harshly.</p>
<p>"You rest, and I'll tell you all about how you'll get rid of that awful brother of yours, hm?"</p>
<p>Roman found he couldn't speak, a golden mask strapping itself over the bottom of his face, forcing his mouth shut. He struggled uselessly against the chains - though he'd learned long ago that unlike the imagination, he had no control when he was asleep.</p>
<p>So he was forced to listen, tears rolling down his face as Pride insulted the ones he loved. Wondered aloud if Roman would get rid of them violently or with a snap of his fingers, gone just like that. Promised Roman of how he would improve, once he'd accepted his fate.</p>
<p>Roman decided that he hated being forced into silence - with no voice to combat the chilling words spoken by his twisted counterpart.</p>
<p>"You're just like me, Roman. You just don't know it yet." Pride smiled down at him from where he was lounging in the throne. "You will, though. And you'll accept it, and you'll realize that you really are the best. The most important, hm? You are the only thing Thomas needs - he's an actor, after all. And look how good you've been at acting like a good friend."</p>
<p>Roman sobbed miserably as the golden chains tightened around him as if trying to pull him down into the floor below. Pride just laughed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"You're in denial, Roman. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can become what you're meant to be. I am the best version of you, you know. Without all the flaws you find in yourself. You give yourself those flaws because you're scared. Scared of being like me. Well," Pride chuckled. "You are like me, and I'll prove it to you."</p>
<p>The chains suddenly vanished, and Roman looked up in surprise. Pride stood and pulled him up, gently taking the mask from his face and rubbing the cruel marks from his skin.</p>
<p>"You've created me in the imagination, I see." he hummed, wiping tears from Roman's face. "I'll leave your dreams alone, now. And tomorrow, I'll prove that I am the better one of us. A fight to the death, and whoever wins, wins."</p>
<p>"N-no, I'm not ready, I-"</p>
<p>"You're as ready as you will ever be." Pride snarled, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>And then he vanished, and Roman found himself standing alone in the castle. It was a dream, a dream he had to stay in until morning. And in the morning, he had to fight Pride.</p>
<p>Roman crumpled to the floor, sobs wracking his body as he fought the echoes of Pride's voice in his ears.</p>
<p>He couldn't let this happen. He couldn't let Pride take over his place - he had to protect them. He had to protect the others, no matter what. Even if it meant he hurt like this every single day of his life.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I'm worried about Roman," Patton said, drawing Logan's and Virgil's attention away from the schedule.</p>
<p>"We all are, Patton," Virgil mumbled. "But if he never leaves his room, what are we supposed to do?"</p>
<p>"That's just it, he's not in his room." Patton burst out, tears welling up in his eyes. Virgil frowned. "I checked, I was gonna talk to him about it. But he's in the imagination again, and he has been for hours, and I just know something is wrong and I'm worried!"</p>
<p>"Deep breaths," Logan walked over, holding Patton gently as he cried. "We'll go with you to the imagination, Patton. Roman needs to take a break. That's what we were talking about. Thomas needs a creative break as well, probably the reason for Roman's behavior."</p>
<p>"I know... I jus- I just... I'm just so worried!" Patton mumbled into Logan's chest. "He hardly ever leaves his room or the imagination, and when he does he's so tired, and he doesn't eat enough, and I don't think he's sleeping, and-"</p>
<p>"We'll go now." Logan soothed. "But I need both of you to breathe, alright?" Patton nodded, and he heard Virgil's disgruntled sound of agreement. After a few moments, Patton stepped back and wiped his eyes.</p>
<p>"Sorry, Logan."</p>
<p>"Quite alright." Logan smiled thinly. "Are you ready, then? It's very likely we'll appear in the middle of whatever quest Roman is doing. But nothing can hurt us permanently."</p>
<p>"Right. Right." Virgil nodded and took a final breath. Patton agreed as well, and the three sank out into the imagination.</p>
<p>What they saw was not what they expected.</p>
<p>Roman always went on complicated adventures, with dragons and witches and various royalty. Plots of betrayal, love, bravery. When they did rarely enter the imagination uninvited, they'd find themselves in forests or castle hallways or at the base of a tower, where Roman was caught up in his mission.</p>
<p>This was not the way it usually was.</p>
<p>Roman was kneeling in the middle of an arena, struggling to his feet. That in itself, may not be too awful. But he was hurt. Bruised and bloodied, his sword shattered halfway down. Roman rarely let things get out of control. Rarely.</p>
<p>In front of Roman, facing the three of them with an amused smile, stood another person. Patton almost thought it was a side, as it wasn't a faceless figment like Roman usually made. It looked like Thomas, and it was dressed in an ornate uniform like Romans but ten times as extravagant.</p>
<p>"Oh Roman." the unknown attacker sneered, grabbing Roman roughly and pulling him to his feet. "You know it's only a matter of time before you give up. Look at you. I could have killed you hours ago."</p>
<p>"Roman..." Virgil grabbed Patton's hand, for comfort or to comfort Patton, he wasn't sure. Patton squeezed back, heart hammering.</p>
<p>"I will never." Roman panted, obviously in pain. "Let you win."</p>
<p>"But Roman," the other threw Roman to the ground and Patton gasped, stepping forward only for Logan to stop him, a look of warning on his face. Roman heard, lifting his head weakly to see them. "I already have."</p>
<p>"What are you three doing here?" Roman rasped, trying and failing to sit up as his opponent stalked over, a large golden sword in hand.</p>
<p>"We came to make sure you were alright," Logan replied, voice barely betraying his worry. "And you are obviously not."</p>
<p>"I..." Roman winced, voice cut off when the other kicked him roughly and rolled him onto his back. "You have to leave."</p>
<p>"Yes." the awful figment grinned, pointing his sword at Roman. Patton realized now, that it wasn't Logan's arm still keeping him from running. An invisible barrier, which Logan was fighting against as well, surrounded the fight. "Push them away, Roman. You don't need them. I don't, which means you don't. You know I'm right. I am your future, and I am all you need to be."</p>
<p>"I won't..." Roman's voice was choked, as if he'd been screaming, or running with no water, for hours.</p>
<p>"Let him go!" Virgil screeched, finally finding his voice, surging forward from where he'd stood frozen. "Roman, what are you doing, you dumbass!"</p>
<p>"Yes, tell them." the other laughed coldly. "What are you doing here, Roman? Denying your purpose? Or are you finally willing to accept that this is all there is?" the monster's eyes glowed a bright golden color. "Pride. That is your future. It's who you are, and you know it. Everyone else knows it, too."</p>
<p>"Get out," Roman begged them, finally forcing himself to his feet. He shook, falling back to one knee in exhaustion. "Please."</p>
<p>"Roman..." Patton whimpered, heart aching as Pride grabbed Roman's throat, eyes narrowed, grin nearly splitting his face.</p>
<p>"This isn't right." Logan's voice seemed louder than it should, and Pride froze, holding Roman above the ground by his neck. Patton turned, tears rolling down his face, to see Logan with an unimpressed look on his face.</p>
<p>"No duh, Logan!" Virgil snarled.</p>
<p>"Pride isn't a side." Logan adjusted his glasses, and Pride's form flickered. "Thomas is hardly a prideful person. Pride has such little control over Thomas's actions that all he does have is a part of Roman. As one has the right to be proud of what they create."</p>
<p>"What do you know?" Pride asked irritably.</p>
<p>"I know that you aren't real." Logan's voice shattered the barrier, and Virgil stumbled forward, finally able to run to Roman's side as he fell to the earth, slipping through Pride's fingers as if the figment were a ghost. Patton followed, gasping at the sight of his friend.</p>
<p>Roman fought against their touches, struggling to sit up again.</p>
<p>"Y-you don't understand." he insisted, tears soaking his face. "I have to protect you - I can't let him win, I-"</p>
<p>"He cannot win," Logan said firmly, walking over and looking into Pride's eyes. "He is nothing but a figment." Pride flickered, image fading out until it was just the four of them in the silent arena.</p>
<p>Roman watched, and Patton held him gently as he broke down into sobs, falling limp with exhaustion.</p>
<p>"We should return to the mind palace," Logan said softly. "It will be easier for you to recover, Roman." Roman made no acknowledgment, but they all sank down into the commons anyway.</p>
<p>Once out of the imagination, Patton expected Roman's injuries to fade. They didn't, and he still shook with exhaustion as Patton maneuvered him onto the couch.</p>
<p>"Roman, please tell us what happened," Logan said, summoning a first aid kit and starting with a cut on Roman's scalp. Patton sat next to him, holding Roman's hand tightly, and Virgil paced, chewing on his fingernails.</p>
<p>"I-I don't know..." Roman choked out softly. His voice, at least, sounding better than it had. "H- I- I didn't want to hurt you - you didn't need to know, I was going to win. I was just... I was going to..."</p>
<p>"Roman," Patton said softly, looking at Roman pleadingly. The last of Roman's resolve crumbled.</p>
<p>"I- I keep having nightmares," he whispered. "Every time I sleep, he's there... and he's awful, and I've been trying so hard not to become like him. I can't become like him - I hate it. I hate it so much, and I guess I hate myself because if I don't that means I'm like him, and he was so sure that I was going to become him... th-the way... because we can change. We can change, you know. It's not impossible."</p>
<p>"Not if we don't want to." Virgil murmured gently, finally walking over and offering a hand of comfort on Roman's shoulder.</p>
<p>"B-but what if I wanted to?" Roman asked, tears filling his eyes. "What if he's right - he said that I would realize that I'm better than you and that I don't need you and he- he planned so many things that we would do when I was him, and I hate it and I don't want to feel that way."</p>
<p>"You don't feel that way," Patton whispered, heartbroken.</p>
<p>"S-so I made him in the imagination to fight, and it was just a figment - I swear to god it was just a figment at first - and I wanted to be strong enough to protect you. But he got stronger, and he left my dreams and he became the figment, and he was going to hurt you and I hate myself for not stopping him. I just had to stop him, and I couldn't. I couldn't do anything, I'm so pathetic, I..."</p>
<p>"Shh." Logan silenced him gently, finishing up the last bandages and summoning Roman's favorite pajamas. "Roman, it's alright. We stopped him, and it's alright." Roman accepted the clothes but made no move to put them on, as his hands fell back to his lap.</p>
<p>"I'm so tired," he whispered, tears flowing down his cheeks again. Patton whimpered sadly, holding him closer. "He never let me rest - I was training or fighting him even when I was sleeping. I'm so tired, I... I can't..."</p>
<p>"It's alright." Logan waved a hand again and Roman's tattered outfit turned to the pajamas, which vanished from his hands. They generally didn't do that to get dressed - as it may be seen as a breach of privacy. But now, that was all they could do.</p>
<p>"We'll sit out here with you," Patton said softly, holding back his own tears. "We'll help you sleep, Roman. It's okay."</p>
<p>"It's not," Roman whispered, turning broken, tear-filled eyes to face him. "It's really not."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman fought sleep for as long as he could - but it really wasn't long. He was wrapped in blankets, head in Patton's lap as Patton gently ran his hands through Roman's hair, humming gently. It was comfortable, and Roman felt so exhausted. But he knew as soon as he fell asleep, Pride would be there again.</p>
<p>"It's okay, love." Patton pressed a kiss to his forehead. "We'll wake you if you start dreaming."</p>
<p>How did he know? Roman wondered as his eyes fluttered closed. Well, at least he had that promise. Roman sighed miserably, finally letting his exhaustion take over.</p>
<p>His dream started in a field. Waist-high grass and wildflowers stretching for over a mile before reaching a forest, trees tall and rustling in the wind. He was alone, breathing softly as a breeze brushed around him, moving the grass in a slow, intricate dance.</p>
<p>He walked slowly, taking the time to look at every flower, every songbird, and butterfly he came across. Slowly enough, that when footsteps crunched behind him, he heard.</p>
<p>Roman turned around and froze when he found himself face to face with his reflection. No - not his reflection. Not Pride, either. Remus surveyed the dreamscape with an intrigued expression, then looked up and smiled upon meeting Roman's gaze.</p>
<p>"Remus," Roman mumbled, heart aching. </p>
<p>He rarely talked to his brother, and only in arguments. Pride's threats and plans for Roman's other half crept through Roman's brain, and Remus's eyebrows rose slowly.</p>
<p>"Ah." he hummed softly, reaching to pull Roman into a hug, hand resting on the back of Roman's head. "So that's where it got to, is it?"</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," Roman whispered, tears filling his eyes. "I-I'm the worst, I-"</p>
<p>"None of that." Remus scoffed, pulling away to scowl at Roman. "Only I get to be the worst! That was the agreement, wasn't it?" Roman fought back sobs, nodding miserably. "Hah, it's no wonder you didn't attack me as soon as you saw me. You came across a nightmare of your own."</p>
<p>"Thanks for reminding me," Roman muttered. "If you want it, go for it."</p>
<p>"Sorry, brother." Remus shook his head, looking around. "I can't." Roman nodded sullenly. "Y'know, for all the trouble they went through to divide dark from light, they sure gave you the short end of the stick."</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?" Roman asked, watching as his brother bent down, moving a fallen long to inspect the bugs and worms underneath.</p>
<p>"Well, if we truly were all bad and all good." Remus waved a hand between the two of them. "You wouldn't feel as awful as you do right now."</p>
<p>Roman knelt next to his brother, watching in disgust as he picked up a worm and placed it in his mouth.</p>
<p>"They don't have control over our personalities." he pointed out. "They just sort the ideas. I get some, you get some."</p>
<p>"And you got the idea in your head that you had the potential to be a monster!" Remus clapped his hands. "We have more in common than I thought we did!"</p>
<p>"We do not." Roman protested.</p>
<p>"Of course, I like the idea." Remus mused. "Maybe that's it. You were very upset weren't you?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, of course, I was!" Roman burst out. "As if I'd ever want to hurt people for no reason like that. I'm a protector, a dreamer, a prince! I'd never want to see anyone be in pain, I'd... I'd hate myself for that, and I-"</p>
<p>"Well then why did you worry so much about it happening?" Remus cackled, head thrown back. "You're messed up, Brother, I'll give you that."</p>
<p>"You're no better," Roman muttered. "You think arson is hilarious."</p>
<p>"True." Remus smiled fondly, falling silent as he tilted his head back at the sky. "Boy, I should visit your dreams more often Roman. Way easier to think without the screams of the dying in your ears."</p>
<p>"How did you get here, anyway?" Roman asked.</p>
<p>"Your nightmare." Remus looked at him guiltily. "The separation wasn't perfect, Roman. You got some bad parts, just like I got some good parts."</p>
<p>"What good parts?" Roman asked, then paled as Remus grinned. "Nevermind, please don-"</p>
<p>"My [REDACTED] parts!"</p>
<p>"God." Roman fell backward into the grass. "Well, forgive me if I don't visit your dreams."</p>
<p>"Ah, you wouldn't like it." Remus shook his head. "You're afraid of the dark, remember?" he paused. "You stay on the good side, just try not to get too invested in the bad bits, yeah? Leave it to me?"</p>
<p>"I'll try." Roman sat up again, frowning. "But why-"</p>
<p>"You gotta wake up sometime." Remus grinned, and Roman's eyes shot open.</p>
<p>"Are you okay?" Patton fretted, watching him worriedly as Roman sat up, rubbing his head.</p>
<p>The injuries Pride had given him were gone, mostly. A residual headache, a scar that he knew wouldn't fade. Roman looked around, finding Logan and Virgil in the kitchen, talking as they cooked.</p>
<p>"H-how long..."</p>
<p>"Over a day." Patton bit his lip. "I tried to wake you up when you were dreaming, but I couldn't, and then you stopped talking and moving. What was it about?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman stared at his hand, thoughts still on what Remus had said. "I'm alright, padre." Patton looked at him doubtfully. "Really. No nightmare, this time."</p>
<p>"Ah, you're awake," Logan said, setting a plate of food on the coffee table in front of him. "Now that things have calmed a bit, mind explaining a little what happened?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman sighed, shoulders falling. "I'm insecure, about everything, really. And I worry that you all don't think I care for you. I do!" he looked up desperately. "I don't want you to think that I'm self-absorbed, but I want to be able to accept myself. Whenever you say I'm egotistical, it hurts, because I know you're right and I hate it."</p>
<p>"Hmm."</p>
<p>"And I guess it turned into this giant nightmare," Roman continued shakily. "Of me becoming something you all hated, and that I hated. And I was so scared of it that I forgot to... to realize that it wasn't true. Or even ask for help."</p>
<p>"We'll always help you, Roman," Patton said softly.</p>
<p>"I... alright, thank you." Roman buried his face in his hands. "I created that- I created him in an attempt to keep him from existing," he mumbled unhappily.</p>
<p>That's what he meant, Roman realized with a start, eyes widening. That's what Remus meant.</p>
<p>Putting everything bad into only one of them was impossible, as Logan had said repression was bad as well. Insecurity, repression, Remus didn't have that. For once in his life, Roman felt himself envying his brother. Remus accepted himself, and it was strangely beautiful to think about.</p>
<p>"Well, it's alright now," Patton said bracingly. "We know, and we can help you try and feel less insecure! Right?"</p>
<p>"I don't know." Roman murmured, running his recent realization through his head again. "Maybe. Or you can help to show that they're wrong, at least."</p>
<p>"Hm." Logan raised an eyebrow, meeting Roman's gaze.</p>
<p>Roman watched him and realized that this entire time, Logan had known about him and Remus not being two perfect halves. Of course, he had - he'd told Thomas all about that. But he understood it like Roman just had, and that was comforting.</p>
<p>"I have some thinking to do," Roman mumbled. "And some talking."</p>
<p>"And some resting." Patton reminded him, eyebrows raised above his glasses.</p>
<p>"And resting." Roman nodded.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman found himself in the throne room once more and terror-filled his entire being. Pride watched him from where he lounged on the throne, a bored expression on his face.</p>
<p>"Really, you think you're such a good side?" he sneered.</p>
<p>"I..." Roman's voice died in his throat. Pride got to his feet, stalking over. Roman stood, frozen in terror.</p>
<p>"You think there's no way that you'd ever love yourself?" Pride hissed, eyebrow-raising. "You hate yourself, Princey?"</p>
<p>"S-shi- I..." Roman forced himself to take a step back. Pride seemed surprised he managed to move. "I don't... I don't hate myself."</p>
<p>Pride seemed to flicker, the way he had when Logan spoke.</p>
<p>"So do you love yourself?" Pride sneered. "Love everything about yourself?"</p>
<p>"No," Roman said softly, heart twisting.</p>
<p>"Do you even like yourself?" Pride laughed, shaking his head. "What have you let happen?"</p>
<p>"It doesn't matter," Roman said, voice shaking. "I-" Pride stepped forward, grabbing his collar, and Roman fell silent.</p>
<p>"Doesn't matter?" Pride asked, voice fading slightly. "What doesn't matter?"</p>
<p>"How I-" Roman winced. "How I see myself?"</p>
<p>"Yes, it does." Pride threw him down, stepping back. Roman winced, getting back to his feet. Pride flickered, transparent. "You can't escape me, Roman. We're one and the same, you and I."</p>
<p>Roman winced, closing his eyes against the dreamscape before him. He forced himself out of it, waking with a start on the couch next to Patton.</p>
<p>"Are you okay?" Patton asked, eyes wide.</p>
<p>"I..." Roman reached up and brushed tears away, breathing shakily. "No..."</p>
<p>Patton wrapped him in a gentle hug, and Roman melted into it.</p>
<p>Maybe it was true, that he'd always be afraid of himself this way. Insecure about his ability to accept his own flaws. But he could deal with it. He'd gotten into his nightmare's head, and that was more than he'd ever done before.</p>
<p>Perhaps self-acceptance wasn't quite as difficult as self-love, after all. Roman drifted off once more, Patton's arms wrapped around him, and dreamed instead of a field of wildflowers and a conversation with his brother.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I LOVE WRITING THE CREATIVITWINS OKAY</p>
<p>anyway, sorry.</p>
<p>Every single time I get a request that includes nightmares, I think of the dark forest from the Warrior Cat books, so I just finally funking did it and made Roman's dreams affect him irl and no one can tell me not to!!!</p>
<p>Loved this request, will be writing the others soon, thanks for reading!!!</p>
<p>Love you all!</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Lonely Road</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted September 27, 2019</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Warnings: death mentions, ghost, graveyard, suicide mention, isolation, self-hatred, sad ending, suicidal thoughts, suicide</p>
<p>Roman is a ghost in this one!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman ached.</p>
<p>What for, he wasn't sure anymore. But the dull pain in his chest was a constant companion.</p>
<p>He had theories, of course. Ideas of something that, if it had been possible, may ease the deep painful longing inside him.</p>
<p>He ached to be seen, perhaps. To be alive again - or to be fully dead. He ached for someone to remember him, to know him, to be able to touch him again. The ache was possibly a remnant of who he had been when he lived, though Roman couldn't remember many details, he knew he'd been miserable, that he'd taken his own life.</p>
<p>Why had he done such a thing? Roman wasn't sure. All he knew was that he was stuck here, trapped between existences, isolated and cold as if he'd never stopped living at all.</p>
<p>So, he wandered. Wondering vaguely to himself if he was truly alone, or if there was a large congregation of spirits like himself that hadn't even cared enough to notice he was there. Wondering if, maybe, one of the living might see him like all the stories he'd heard as a child.</p>
<p>He went to theaters, watching in awe. He went to diners and restaurants, watching people interact and shuddering as they walked through him, oblivious. He went to parks and museums, listening to people laugh and play and talk about things that fascinated them. He went to graveyards, pacing among the stones wondering if he would ever see his name on one of them.</p>
<p>In the few years - long, painful, empty, lonely years, Roman had been in this state - he hadn't found one hint of his past self existing in the world at all. Nothing. He scoured eulogies in libraries, headstones in graveyards, records in churches and hospitals, to no avail. As if he never had been real, at all. As if, his entire existence was meant to be this pointless wander through the world he couldn't really interact with.</p>
<p>And Roman longed for someone to see him again, to touch him. To wrap their arms around him, telling him everything would be alright. He wanted to talk to someone, but his voice was as pointless and empty as he was. He wanted to sing again, and he wanted to eat something delicious and dress up in elegant costumes like he had before he died. He even wanted to argue, just to hear the words aimed at him and know that he was real.</p>
<p>But he wasn't real.</p>
<p>Roman wasn't sure he'd ever been real in the first place.</p>
<p>So what was he, then, if he'd never been real?</p>
<p>Nothing?</p>
<p>Oh, Roman hated that thought. He pushed it away, continuing his trek through the world in search of some kind of relief from the agony he felt.</p>
<p>And, in a tiny graveyard in a tiny town, he found it.</p>
<p>
  <b>Roman R. Prince. 1998 - 2018 A brother, a friend, a son. Gone too soon.</b>
</p>
<p>A brother.</p>
<p>Roman sank to his knees in the brown grass, staring at the headstone with wide eyes. Had he been a brother, when he was alive? He didn't know.</p>
<p>A friend.</p>
<p>Roman's hands shook, and tears burned his eyes as he touched the words engraved there. He'd had friends, hadn't he? Before he left them in a selfish act of desperation?</p>
<p>A son.</p>
<p>Oh, god. He'd hurt people by dying, hadn't he? He'd hurt whoever he'd been a son to, and he'd hurt himself by forcing this cold, dreadful isolation.</p>
<p>Roman wished he could make noise so that he could sob and wail his despair into the world. But he couldn't, he was trapped in a silent prison in this afterlife he'd given himself.</p>
<p>Laughter drifted across the tiny plot of land, and Roman turned with a watery gaze as a group of young adults - only a few years older than he'd been when he died, made their way towards him.</p>
<p>He knew these people.</p>
<p>Roman got to his feet, eyes wide as he reached for them.</p>
<p>They walked through him, not even feeling a chill. Roman shuddered, sobbing silently as he spun around to watch them.</p>
<p>They sat around his grave, talking and sending each other sad smiles as they tried to keep their spirits up. One of them, Roman saw, looked just as he had when he was alive.</p>
<p>
  <b>A brother.</b>
</p>
<p>The others, all different, were achingly familiar and he wanted to scream.</p>
<p>
  <b>A friend.</b>
</p>
<p>And another gravestone, a few feet away, reading a name that Roman had forgotten as he wandered his path of loneliness.</p>
<p>
  <b>A son.</b>
</p>
<p>Roman tried everything he could, trying to find a way to get their attention. But it was no use. The napkins moving was just the wind - the cold breeze was because winter was on its way - and the memories of Roman being alive were just there in their minds because they were missing him.</p>
<p>After a while, the people packed up and left, the same way they'd arrived, without noticing Roman at all.</p>
<p>Roman watched them go, and he felt the aching despair in his chest grow deeper and harsher.</p>
<p>He truly was alone, wasn't he?</p>
<p>God, he wished ghosts could kill themselves again.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Writing this hurt me, in the best way possible. I may try another attempt at this sometime in the future - possibly a whole other AU with a much different plot because I like writing ghosts - but that's this story for now! ^-^</p>
<p>Thanks for reading!! More request chapters soon, and maybe some of my own sprinkled in. We'll see. </p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Today Last Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted October 1, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: self-deprecation, self-hatred, arguments, sadness, breakups, unsympathetic Virgil, unrequited love, hopeless thinking</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was cold and late, and a single figure was walking along the snowy street. His hands were stuffed in the pockets of his coat, and he was staring at the ground. Despite this, the person didn't see the patch of ice before him and slipped, headphones slipping down around his neck as he hit the ground. He groaned, picking himself back up, making sure he didn't drop anything. He really hated today.</p>
<p>Roman pulled the headphones up to cover his ears, both to protect from the cold and to hear the music still playing. He'd promised himself he wouldn't listen - not to this playlist. Not today. Yet here he was, walking home from another late rehearsal - alone.</p>
<p>Of course, alone.</p>
<p>Tears welled up in his eyes, burning his face but quickly growing cold in the winter air.</p>
<p>He'd been alone ever since today a year ago.</p>
<p>A new song started and Roman let a wistful smile cross his face, recalling the first time he'd sung the song with an audience. Virgil had listened with rapt attention, a rare smile crossing his face until Roman finished, when he wrapped him in a hug. It was the first of many songs Roman would sing. The first of many hugs he would receive from the man he'd fallen hopelessly in love with.</p>
<p>If only it had lasted.</p>
<p>Roman reached up, scrubbing the frozen tears from his face. He really shouldn't be listening to this playlist. It would only make today worse - it made every day worse but today was different. Today reminded him of everything he'd done wrong. Today was the day that he lost everything he had ever cared about - and it was all his fault.</p>
<p>He'd tried his best. He'd tried so hard to keep them together. He'd listened to Virgil rant and rage. Let him cry on his shoulder. Let him vent all his insecurities and anger out and he would comfort him and hug him and he <b><em>loved him</em></b>. But Virgil... didn't love him back.</p>
<p>It was obvious, a month or so before today last year.</p>
<p>Virgil was growing tired of trying. He was tired of Roman - and Roman knew it. He tried everything. Everything he could think of. But it didn't matter.</p>
<p>Of course, the two of them couldn't talk it out and split like normal people. They were too fucking dramatic for that. Roman hated it.</p>
<p>Harsh shouts, aimed at the heart and intended to wound, were thrown around the apartment today last year. Desperate apologies, tears of grief and pain, had surrounded Roman today last year. Virgil had had enough, he claimed. Enough of Roman's stupid romantic gestures, of his loud laugh and midnight snacking. Virgil had laid everything about Roman that he didn't like out on the table, today last year. Roman let him. Of course, he did. He loved Virgil more than he'd loved anything else in his entire life. He just didn't understand what he'd done wrong.</p>
<p>So Virgil told him.</p>
<p>He was loud.</p>
<p>He was obnoxious.</p>
<p>He was dramatic.</p>
<p>He flirted with too many other people.</p>
<p>He wasn't realistic.</p>
<p>He didn't have a 'real job'.</p>
<p>He wasn't good enough.</p>
<p>Virgil had said it, chest heaving, as he stared daggers into Roman's eyes.</p>
<p>Roman wasn't good enough.</p>
<p>He never had been, and he never would be.</p>
<p>Roman pressed a hand over his mouth now, as songs played through his mind behind the memories. Songs he'd sung to Virgil, songs they'd sung together, songs that they both liked. Every song he'd ever associated with Virgil, on one playlist he knew he should just get rid of.</p>
<p>But he couldn't.</p>
<p>Today last year, Roman's heart had been shattered. Ground into dust and scattered in the wind. Today last year, Virgil had packed his things and left, promising that Roman would never see him again. Today last year, Roman knew he would never again find anyone who he loved as much as he loved Virgil.</p>
<p>Today last year, Roman had discovered that he would never find anyone that loved him.</p>
<p>He knew it, and he had for an entire 365 days.</p>
<p>But here he was, a grown man, crying as he walked home in the dark and cold.</p>
<p>A deep burning hatred for himself rose up, and he wondered why he had failed so horribly that he was this impossible to care for.</p>
<p>Virgil was right. He knew Virgil was right. He was obnoxious and loud, and pathetic. He should just move on. He should give up on love and focus on work.</p>
<p>And he did, most days.</p>
<p>But not today.</p>
<p>Oh goodness, he couldn't do anything today but go through the motions.</p>
<p>Because today last year, Roman had broken.</p>
<p>And today next year, he knew he still would be.</p>
<p>After all, what was the point in even trying to fix something that no one would ever want to have?</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and there goes the last of my happy emotionS! Sorry, this is so short - I swear I'm working on some other stuff for y'all!!</p>
<p>Thanks for reading and don't be shy to yeet a request on my request chapter!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Believe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted October 10, 2019</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Warnings: lying, impersonation, manipulation, self-harm, self-hatred, self-deprecation, slight paranoia, feeling alone, doubting reality, Unsympathetic Deceit, food mention, broken heart and suffering.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"I... I love you."</em>
</p>
<p>Roman smiled breathlessly to himself, staring up at the ceiling.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Wh- Roman, what?"</em>
</p>
<p>He'd been so worried. So ready to be rejected - he'd even turned away, babbling apologies.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Wait, Don't leave! I..." Patton grabbed his arm, eyes shining. "I love you, too."</em>
</p>
<p>He loved Roman. He loved Roman back. Roman's heart swelled up in his chest and he sat up, stretching as he ran the previous days events through his mind. Patton loved him. Oh, things couldn't be better.</p>
<p>"You're in a good mood," Virgil grumbled when Roman bounced into the kitchen, barely even looking up from his phone. "Guess it went well."</p>
<p>"That it did, stormcloud!" Roman beamed, looking around the kitchen. Strange - Patton usually got up early, didn't he? What time was it, anyway? "Where is Patton this morning?"</p>
<p>"I dunno..." Virgil shrugged, brushing the hair from his eyes. "Hasn't come downstairs yet. You probably killed him from excitement last night."</p>
<p>"Hilarious." Roman rolled his eyes. "Well, I may as well drop in on him to make sure he's alright!"</p>
<p>"I'm sure that's the only reason."</p>
<p>"You can tease me about this once you've confessed to Logan." Roman snapped, striding from the room past the logical side, eyes widening. "I'll be back another time!"</p>
<p>"ROMAN!"</p>
<p>Roman hurried up the stairs, laughing softly to himself as he approached Patton's door.</p>
<p>"Dearest Patton, are you feeling well?" he rapped lightly on the door, then combed his hair into place with one hand.</p>
<p>"Oh, Roman!" Patton beamed when he opened the door, immediately pulling Roman into a hug. "I'm feeling absolutely wonderful, why do you ask?"</p>
<p>"You overslept, my love." Roman chuckled, capturing Patton's lips in a kiss. Patton hummed, arms sliding up around Roman's neck. "But that's alright - yesterday was quite a day, was it not?"</p>
<p>Patton giggled, and Roman's heart melted.</p>
<p>"Golly, Roman. You sure know how to steal a man's heart!" he giggled again.</p>
<p>"Ah, my dearest, was that a pun about yourself?" Roman grinned widely.</p>
<p>"Of course!" Patton's eyes opened and he stepped back, taking one of Roman's hands. "You know I like my puns - almost as much as I like you!"</p>
<p>Roman's cheeks grew slightly pink and he let Patton tug him into the room, closing the door behind him before pulling him into another kiss. Patton giggled again, pulling back after a moment. Roman smiled.</p>
<p>"What's so funny, love?"</p>
<p>"I really didn't think you were this gullible."</p>
<p>Roman blinked. Then blinked again.</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?"</p>
<p>Patton laughed again, pushing Roman an arm's length away.</p>
<p>"I-I mean, Virgil said you would fall for it, but I had no idea... you actually believed that I loved you?"</p>
<p>Roman's mouth sat open, his voice stuck in his throat. What? What was Patton talking about? Was he serious?</p>
<p>"I mean, face the facts Roman," Patton laughed again. "You're too self-absorbed to ever be a good partner for anyone, and I have better things to care about than you. I didn't think you'd fall for it that much, though."</p>
<p>"P-Patton..." Roman felt like his chest had been ripped open, a gaping hole where his heart had been. "What are you..."</p>
<p>"I don't love you, Roman," Patton said with a beautiful, sunny, dimpled smile. "No one does, and no one ever will."</p>
<p>Roman stumbled back, scrambling for the door as he stared at Patton's amused, slightly guilty expression.</p>
<p>"Ro, don't be so upset. You can't tell me you didn't see this coming!" he waved a hand. Roman didn't reply, stumbling out the door and to his own room, one hand pressed tightly to the aching pain in his chest as if that would actually help - which he knew it would not.</p>
<p>Patton didn't love him. Roman pressed a hand over his mouth, tears rolling down his face as he tried to stifle his sobs. It was just a joke. A cruel, terrible joke. As usual, Roman was just an idiot. And - god - Virgil had been in on it as well. If Roman wasn't so crippled with despair, he'd be furious. But he found he couldn't be. He sunk to his knees, vision blurred by tears as Patton's voice echoed in his mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>"I don't love you. No one does, and no one ever will."</em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman, you in here?" Patton tapped lightly on the door, worry swirling in his mind. He'd woken up late - and he could feel that something was wrong. Something was oh so very wrong.</p>
<p>"Ah- y-yes, I'm busy ri-right now!" Roman's voice was high, and he sounded like he'd been crying. What had happened? Patton tried the door handle, finding it locked.</p>
<p>"Can I-"</p>
<p>"Er, no, I'd really prefer to be left alone." Roman insisted. "Apologies... er, Patton." something in Roman's voice was so cold, so closed-off, and Patton couldn't help but feel a little hurt.</p>
<p>"Okay." he sighed softly, blinking back tears. "Um, I guess I'll see you later?"</p>
<p>"Perhaps," Roman said dismissively. Patton turned away, messing with the sleeves of the hoodie around his shoulders as he went downstairs. Virgil was lounging on the counter, and he looked up when Patton entered.</p>
<p>"Hey, you two were up there for a while," he said in a teasing tone. "What'd you get up to?"</p>
<p>"Wh-what?" Patton looked up at him, baffled. Virgil's eyes widened slightly when he saw the tears in Patton's eyes. "Who?"</p>
<p>"Um, you and Roman? Don't pretend you two haven't been together up there for the past two hours." he laughed nervously. "Why are you crying?"</p>
<p>"I-I'm okay." Patton took a shuddering breath. "Um, wh... I wasn't with Roman...?"</p>
<p>"You weren't?" Virgil scowled. "That's weird. You should've seen him this morning - I swear he's never been that dramatic and happy. He went to check on you because you slept in."</p>
<p>"When was that?" Patton asked tearfully.</p>
<p>"Hours ago." Virgil actually put down his phone and slid off the counter, concerned. "You seriously just woke up?"</p>
<p>"Mhm." Patton wiped the tears away, laughing at himself. "I-I went to see Roman and he doesn't want to talk to me, he wants to be alone. I don't know what I did wrong and maybe I didn't do anything but I just feel like something bad happened and I don't know what it is..."</p>
<p>Virgil let Patton sob into his chest, which Patton appreciated. He knew Virgil wasn't big on physical touch, but he couldn't help it.</p>
<p>"And he sounded upset but he said he was fine and he wanted to be alone, and he didn't use any nicknames like usual and he just called me Patton and I know that's my name but it hurt and I don't understand..."</p>
<p>"Hey, you're alright," Virgil promised. "We'll figure it out. I need to get payback on him anyway - you'll never believe what happened this morning with Logan." Patton sniffled, calming down as Virgil laughed about what had happened, how Roman had inadvertently 'outed' him, so to speak. It had ended well, Virgil didn't go into any details, but it had ended well.</p>
<p>"What should I do? I'm just worried." Patton managed once he stopped crying.</p>
<p>"Come on," Virgil pulled him up the stairs to Roman's door and hammered loudly on it with his fist. "ROMAN!"</p>
<p>"Gah- what do you want, Cheshire catastrophe?" Roman asked irritably.</p>
<p>"What is your deal?" Virgil asked, rolling his eyes. Patton wrung his hands, staying silent.</p>
<p>"I have no idea what you're talking about." Roman's voice was on the other side of the door now. "What do you want?"</p>
<p>"You're acting weird, that's what I'm talking about." Virgil sighed in annoyance. "What happened to your wonderful mood from this morning?"</p>
<p>"As if you don't know," Roman muttered. "Just go away."</p>
<p>"Please talk to us," Patton whispered pleadingly, resting his head on the door. Roman stayed silent for a moment longer.</p>
<p>"I will," he said slowly. "I just need... I just need time to deal with this. You can't possibly think... you can't possibly think that didn't hurt me." What? Patton's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What was Roman talking about?</p>
<p>"What is happening here?" Logan asked, walking up behind them. "Where is Roman?"</p>
<p>"Were you in on it too?" Roman asked in a dismayed voice. "Logan I know you don't like me but why..." his voice broke and Patton was horrified to hear Roman start to sob. "Why would you all stoop so low...?"</p>
<p>"What the hell are you talking about, Princey?" Virgil growled, tugging at the door handle again. "We didn't do a thing to you - you're the one who-"</p>
<p>"Oh, that's right!" Roman cried hysterically. "Not a thing! Of course! There's no way you three conspired a cruel joke for the sole intent of shattering my heart!"</p>
<p>"You're imaginary," Logan said, baffled. "And even human hearts don't shatter, they- oh are you referring to the poetic use of that term?"</p>
<p>"YES!" Roman screamed, finally yanking the door open.</p>
<p>Patton stared wide-eyed at the other side. The side he loved more than anything. Roman was a mess. His face was stained with tears and his clothes were rumpled, sleeves pushed up to his elbows to reveal a bloody mess on his forearms.</p>
<p>"Wh- Roman!?"</p>
<p>"I believed you," Roman whispered, staring into Patton's eyes. "You know I did. You know that I truly love you - why on... why on earth would you think this was funny? I don't understand, I thought..."</p>
<p>"Roman, what are you talking about?" Patton reached out a tentative hand, and Roman slapped it away.</p>
<p>"Roman..." Virgil narrowed his eyes. "Did you or did you not see Patton earlier today?"</p>
<p>"See him?" Roman's eyes filled with tears once again. "Of course I saw him! I'm sure you all have been having a grand time laughing at how gullible and stupid I am! Why are you even here?"</p>
<p>"Roman, that's enough." Logan pushed between them, blocking Roman from Patton's view. "Patton, Virgil. Head downstairs. Roman, breathe. We shall discuss this in a few moments."</p>
<p>"Okay..." Patton trailed after Virgil until they were out of sight, then burst into tears and buried his face in Virgil's chest once more. Virgil held him, and neither spoke.</p>
<p>What would they say, anyway?</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Why are you still here?" Roman asked irritably as Logan tugged him to the bathroom. "Gha- stop it!"</p>
<p>"Be quiet for a moment." Logan rolled his eyes, pulling out the first aid kit. "I need to make sure you're alright."</p>
<p>"I can't die," Roman said unhappily.</p>
<p>"Yes, you can." Logan snapped. "Just because I can't doesn't mean that you can't, Roman!"</p>
<p>Roman knew he was right, but he didn't have to like it. So he let Logan bandage his arms, and when he'd finished, Logan stood before him and crossed his arms.</p>
<p>"Now, what on earth are you going on about regarding Patton?"</p>
<p>"He doesn't love me," Roman said. The words felt like bullets to his chest. "He said so."</p>
<p>"When did he say such a thing?"</p>
<p>"This morning!" Roman choked out, sobs building up inside him again. "And I know you think I'm pathetic, Logan! I know you don't understand love, but I can't help it! I truly adore Patton - but he... it was a joke." Roman leaned on the wall, tears rolling down his face. "A stupid joke that he and Virgil cooked up because they wanted to see how gullible I was. Didn't they tell you, Logan? No one loves me." Roman laughed hysterically, hating himself every moment. "No one will ever love me!"</p>
<p>"Falsehood."</p>
<p>Roman rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"Well, why would Patton say that if it wasn't true?" he folded his arms, wincing as the cuts stung.</p>
<p>"I..." Logan seemed uncertain, and Roman hated it. "I am unsure." he grabbed Roman's shoulder again, pulling him out and toward the stairs. Roman protested.</p>
<p>"As if I want to see their treacherous faces again!" He said loudly, glowering at the sobbing from below. "What's got Patton so upset? This is all just a game to him, right?"</p>
<p>"I don't know what you think happened," Logan said tersely as he pulled Roman gently down the stairs. "But you need to talk it out with them."</p>
<p>Roman said nothing, that misery welling up inside him once more as he saw Patton in Virgil's arms. Patton didn't love him. No one did. Why did they have to insist on keeping him alive?</p>
<p>"What do you want me to say?" he finally asked, bitterness tinging his voice.</p>
<p>"Wait..." Logan held up a hand, looking thoughtful. "Them, and one other person."</p>
<p>"Oh? And who might that be?" Roman asked, rolling his eyes. Logan flicked his hand and another side appeared, stumbling slightly as he'd been mid-stride before that. "Deceit?"</p>
<p>"Ah," Deceit glanced around, a sly smirk on his face. "Well, you four seem to be in the midst of some kind of emotionally charged discussion. I'll take my leave."</p>
<p>"No." Logan snapped. "You will stay. And you will tell us why Roman is under the impression that he and Patton spoke before Patton was even awake."</p>
<p>"Why would I know anything about that?" Deceit asked cooly. "Perhaps Patton sleep-talks."</p>
<p>"Patton was awake!" Roman snapped. "And while I would never force you to love me, Patton, I cannot understand why you would... why you would do this."</p>
<p>"What did I do?" Patton asked tearfully. Roman just stared at him, unable to force himself to say or do anything more.</p>
<p>"You didn't do anything," Virgil growled, narrowing his eyes. Roman scoffed, sinking onto the couch and burying his head in his hands. "Deceit! What the hell is wrong with you?"</p>
<p>"Wrong with me?" Deceit asked, offended. "I think you should be worried about Roman, Virgil, obviously he's been hallucinating. Probably a result of too much time in the imagination."</p>
<p>Was he right? Roman held back a sob. He knew he could be over the top sometimes, but had he hallucinated all of that? Was he hallucinating right now? When was he ever not hallucinating?</p>
<p>"Stop it!" Virgil snapped.</p>
<p>"Stop what? I am not doing anything." Deceit drawled. "I haven't done a thing all day. All week. I never do anything, ever."</p>
<p>"This was probably not a good idea," Logan noted softly, resting a gentle hand on Roman's shoulder. "Roman."</p>
<p>"I don't understand what's going on," Roman whispered miserably.</p>
<p>"You are not hallucinating," Logan promised gently. "I will be back, but please try to be civil and listen to what Virgil and Patton tell you."</p>
<p>"Wh-" Roman whipped his head up desperately, but Logan was already walking away, sinking out with a tight grip on Deceit's shoulder as the other side struggled. "Logan!" he scowled at Virgil and Patton, but couldn't help but feel uncertain. How did he know if Logan was right? Patton definitely seemed to be upset... but Roman knew by now that he was easily fooled.</p>
<p>"You woke up feeling weird?" Virgil asked Patton, who nodded, looking just as miserable as Roman felt. "Dammit. Ro, you didn't talk to Patton."</p>
<p>"But..." Roman's eyes widened in horror. "No." there was no way. "I was in Patton's room! He was there! No one else was in the room and... and if that was Deceit, then where was Patton, hm? It couldn't have been anyone but Patton!"</p>
<p>"What did he..." Patton stumbled over his words. "What did I tell you, Roman?"</p>
<p>"It was a joke," Roman whispered, just the memory bringing tears to his eyes. He flopped dejectedly into the couch. "You wanted to see if I would fall for it and I did, and no one could love me anyway. I'm too 'egotistical' to be good for anyone."</p>
<p>"N-no!" Patton pulled him up into a hug and Roman froze, torn between pulling away and melting into Patton's touch. "I-I would never do that! I love you, Roman! You're perfect just the way you are!"</p>
<p>"Hah."</p>
<p>"I mean it!" Patton sobbed. "You focus on yourself a lot, but only because you want to be the best you can! You're kind and you're strong and brave and amazing..."</p>
<p>"St-stop." Roman pushed him away, covering his ears. He couldn't risk this. He couldn't listen to what Patton was saying and risk it all being a lie and a joke or... or a hallucination. "Just... stop. I can't."</p>
<p>"Roman, please!" Patton sobbed and Roman felt miserable. He stumbled to his feet, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," he whispered, then sunk out to his room and collapsed onto his bed.</p>
<p>What was he supposed to believe?</p>
<p>
  <em>"I really didn't think you were this gullible."</em>
</p>
<p>Nothing. Roman buried his face in the pillows around him and sobbed. He couldn't believe anything, and he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to believe anything ever again.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>MWAHAHAHAHA This isn't one of my best but it still hurt to write because I love my boy. I love to see my boy suffering as well, though, so it evened out. Gotta say it was nice to write Unsympathetic Deceit again! I just LOVE a good villain! Wasn't a lot of 'screen-time' for him, though. maybe I'll do some more Villain!Deceit in another one-shot soon!</p>
<p>Thank you all for reading and being so nice - like honestly, why are you all so NICE TO ME??? </p>
<p>Feel free to submit a request on the request chapter, I'll try to get to them soon!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. The Dark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted October 12, 2019</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Warnings: unsympathetic Remus, claustrophobia, feeling trapped, fear of the dark, could be considered a form of torture I guess? food mention, lying to oneself, trying to isolate oneself, Roman Is Not Okay, horror aspects because its spoopy month, swearing</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman wasn't afraid of the dark. He wasn't afraid of anything. He was a fearless prince, a hero, a knight in shining armor. No, Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>Besides - even if he was afraid of the dark - he wouldn't tell anyone.</p>
<p>Logan would just talk about how illogical it was, how darkness couldn't hurt him. Roman - if he was, in fact, afraid of the dark - would disagree vehemently with that opinion. The dark could hurt him.</p>
<p>But Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>If he was, Patton would baby him. He'd get Roman night-lights, and he'd get worried when the power went out, and Roman would never be left alone again. So, it was a good thing Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>Because if he was afraid of the dark, Virgil would laugh at him and make fun of him for it. He'd take Logan's words and twist them sarcastically, and he would take Patton's kindness and mock it out of bitterness for how Roman had treated him all those years. Sure, Virgil wasn't really mean to him, but if Roman was afraid of the dark, and he did tell them, he would be.</p>
<p>No, Roman wasn't afraid of the dark,</p>
<p>He just... didn't like the dark. Hated it, in fact. But not afraid. That was ridiculous - Roman didn't have anything to do with fear. That was Virgil. Roman was brave, courageous, fearless.</p>
<p>He was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>He was not afraid of anything at all.</p>
<p>At least, that's what he told himself. That's what he wanted to believe. Maybe if he believed it, it would become true. If he believed that he wasn't scared of anything, he'd truly be fearless.</p>
<p>That mindset was hard to keep up in his current situation, though.</p>
<p>Darkness. Suffocating blackness. It pressed around him, and he could almost feel it. Even when his hand touched his nose, he couldn't see it. He couldn't see anything. Roman gripped his sword tightly, swallowing his fear.</p>
<p>He was afraid.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>He took a tentative step forward, finding solid ground beneath his feet. Another step and he stumbled over something that may have been.... A branch? A rock? Where was he?</p>
<p>A cold breeze swirled around him, whispers swept along through the void Roman had found himself trapped in. He shuddered, pulling his sword from his belt and holding it aloft, trying to make contact with anything around him. Nothing.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>Something cold dripped onto the back of his neck and Roman held back a scream, spinning around desperately as if he could see anything. His sword flew out but made contact with nothing. Roman took a deep breath, forcing the terror away.</p>
<p>He was fine. This was fine. He was just having a nightmare or something. He'd wake up soon and be fine and besides that, he wasn't scared.</p>
<p>Alright, so Roman was scared. Terrified.</p>
<p>But Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>Soft cackling laughter swirled around the blackness, driving a spike of terror deeper into Roman's heart. His grip on the hilt of his sword slipped, and it fell. Roman dove to catch it, but his hands were just met with smooth floor all around him. It was gone, and he had no idea how it had vanished like that.</p>
<p>But now. Now he was defenseless. He had no weapons, he couldn't see anything, and he had none of his usual powers.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>He swallowed thickly, blinking back tears of fear as he got carefully to his feet, only for his head to strike something that, moments earlier, hadn't been there. He gasped, hand reaching up to feel the bump, and realized that in those few moments, a ceiling had fallen down closer to him, and all he could do was crouch or kneel.</p>
<p>Roman shuddered, reaching to feel his way along the glassy floor, only for his fingers to be met with the same smooth material the floor was made of, trapping him inside an impossibly small, pitch-black box.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of small spaces.</p>
<p>Cold breath fluttered on Roman's neck and he yelped, turning best he could in an attempt to find what was in there with him. He could see nothing. His hands touched nothing but the cold glassy surface of his prison.</p>
<p>Soft, terrifyingly familiar laughter sounded right behind Roman's ear and he swallowed again, reaching back without turning.</p>
<p>Nothing was there.</p>
<p>He knew something was there.</p>
<p>The walls seemed to grow closer around him, and soon Roman found there was no position to huddle in, trapped uncomfortably on his knees, that would stop him from touching all four sides of the box at once.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of small spaces.</p>
<p>A choked sob escaped Roman's lips and he reached up, pressing a hand over his mouth. He hated this. He hated this more than anything in the entire world. Ice-cold fingers trailed through Roman's hair, and the soft, cruel laughter continued around him. The touch sent spirals of terror through him, and Roman pressed his eyes shut despite there being no difference.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>Roman was not afraid of small spaces.</p>
<p>But right about now, Roman was scared out of his mind.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Where the hell is Princey?" Virgil asked irritably, glaring at the door. "He's like, a million years late."</p>
<p>"Only an hour and one minute." Logan pointed out. Virgil rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"That's not the point, teach. The point is, Roman either forgot completely about this or he doesn't care at all. Both of which are stupid and annoying."</p>
<p>"Awe, be nice, kiddo!" Patton smiled tiredly. "Lots of stuff has happened recently, y'know."</p>
<p>"Yeah, but that doesn't mean he can just ghost us." Virgil sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Ugh, I'll go get him. He'll be pissed at me for 'invading his privacy' but I don't actually care."</p>
<p>"Are you sure? We can all-"</p>
<p>"He'll be more upset if we all do." Logan pointed out. Patton sighed.</p>
<p>"Alright. I'm going to make cookies. If you get him to come down, we can talk in the kitchen." he got to his feet, slowly making his way to the kitchen. Virgil nodded, turning up the stairs toward the rooms.</p>
<p>"Good luck," Logan said. Virgil rolled his eyes, already at the top of the stairs. He walked to Roman's door and pounded on it.</p>
<p>"Princey!" he yelled. "You're late, you dickhead!"</p>
<p>No answer.</p>
<p>Of course.</p>
<p>Virgil rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically.</p>
<p>"Are you seriously just going to ignore me?" he complained, grabbing the handle when there was still no reply. "Fine. I'm coming in there, and if you yell at me for it, I'll feed you to my spider."</p>
<p>No answer.</p>
<p>"Bastard," Virgil muttered, then turned the handle, only to find it locked. He scowled. "Princey, open your door you asshole!"</p>
<p>God, what the hell was he doing?</p>
<p>"I'll break this down!" Virgil said though he wasn't sure he'd be able to. Still, Roman made no attempt to respond. Virgil knew he was in there - their doors could only be locked if the side was in their room. "Roman!"</p>
<p>As soon as he yelled Roman's name, the lock clicked open and he stumbled, unprepared for the door to swing open into....</p>
<p>What the hell?</p>
<p>The door had opened to reveal a black void where Roman's room usually was. Disney posters, costumes, lighting setups, Virgil couldn't see a thing past the doorway. He summoned a flashlight, clicking it on to illuminate something even more baffling.</p>
<p>Roman's usual room was still gone. The room Virgil stood in was vast, completely dark with a glossy black floor and no sign of walls or a ceiling even with Virgil shining his flashlight around.</p>
<p>"What the fuck?" Virgil muttered, turning in a circle with his light only to stop when it caught something he hadn't seen before.</p>
<p>In the center - or what he assumed was the center - of the room, the blackness of the floor sat upward, making a large black cube that resembled a stage prop, except it was just as glassy as the floor and seemed, when Virgil knelt to examine it, to be fused directly to the floor.</p>
<p>"Roman, are you in here?" Virgil stood, calling into the darkness. He wasn't angry anymore, he was worried. Where the hell was Roman? His voice seemed to vanish as soon as it left his mouth, but at last, he heard a response.</p>
<p>Art least, Virgil thought it was a response.</p>
<p>A soft whisper came from behind him, and he turned only for nothing to have changed. The cube was still there, instilling some kind of dread inside him.</p>
<p>"...Roman?"</p>
<p>"Virgil." Okay, that was definitely Roman's voice. Virgil knew it was. It had come... from the cube?</p>
<p>Virgil fell back to his knees, baffled, and rapped lightly on the side. Roman couldn't possibly fit inside that, could he? There was no way. Even if he physically could - Roman moved too much to wedge himself into that thing.</p>
<p>"Roman, what the hell are you doing?" he asked incredulously, only to be met with something he'd never expected to hear from his dramatic friend. A sob echoed out from inside the cube, and Virgil's spirits plummeted. Whatever Princey was up to - he wasn't enjoying it. So what the hell was going on?</p>
<p>"I-I-I can't..." Roman's voice was choked like he couldn't breathe. "Virgil!"</p>
<p>"Whoa- okay," Virgil inspected the cube further, trying to find some kind of seam. "I'm right here, alright? Is this a box?"</p>
<p>"I-I can't get out..." Roman sobbed miserably. Virgil had no idea how he felt - he definitely felt bad, and worried, but he'd never heard or seen the other act like this before. "Please just let me out, I...I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, I'm so sorry..."</p>
<p>"I'm trying!" Virgil snapped in irritation as he could find nothing but that smooth glassy material. "How did this happen?"</p>
<p>"I don't... I don't know..." Roman whispered. "S-something... I can't use... I hate this I hate this I hate this god, please get me out!"</p>
<p>"I'm going to!" Virgil said, louder this time. "Just give me-"</p>
<p>"Awe, what's going on here?" Virgil's entire body tensed at the high-pitched voice behind him. Roman screamed though it was muffled by his inability to breathe and the box around him. "Vee, what a surprise! Here to join in the fun?"</p>
<p>"What the hell did you do!" Virgil demanded, grabbing Remus by the collar. "How did you even get in here?"</p>
<p>"Just doing my brother a little favor." Remus rolled his eyes. "Right, Roman?"</p>
<p>"St-stop, let me out, please," Roman begged from within his tiny prison. Remus cackled softly.</p>
<p>"Why would I do that, dearest brother?" He vanished from Virgil's grip and re-appeared lounging on top of the cube. That pissed Virgil off. "I thought you weren't scared of the dark, right? You yourself said so."</p>
<p>Seriously? Virgil's anger grew and he glared daggers at the duke. He was doing this because Roman was afraid of the dark? God, how much of a dick could he be?</p>
<p>"Ho-how long has he been in there?" Virgil stuttered. Remus frowned, tapping his chin for a moment.</p>
<p>"Uhhh... the box? Or the dark?"</p>
<p>"What does that even mean?!" Virgil snarled.</p>
<p>"He's been in the dark for like, twenty hours." Remus continued, tapping idly on the cube. "In the box for about eight."</p>
<p>Virgil stared, unable to comprehend what he was hearing. Roman just sobbed though Virgil could tell he was trying to keep himself quiet. After a few moments of that, Remus tutted softly.</p>
<p>"Roman, get yourself together! You're embarrassing yourself in front of Virgil." he taunted, snapping his fingers. Roman let out a choked scream from within the box before falling silent.</p>
<p>"What did you do?!" Virgil demanded, hands curling into fists. "Let him out!"</p>
<p>"Why?" Remus raised an eyebrow. "You don't like him either, dark and stormy. I know you don't. You told me so."</p>
<p>"Yeah, like five years ago!" Virgil hissed. "You can't just do something like this!"</p>
<p>"Oh, but it's so fun!" Remus laughed wickedly. "Did you hear him crying? God, how pathetic can you get?"</p>
<p>"Remus." Virgil snapped, grabbing Remus by the collar once again, pulling his face close. Remus watched him in amusement. "I mean it."</p>
<p>"Why?" Remus asked again, grin widening. "Tell us why you want him out, and I'll let him out."</p>
<p>"Because you're hurting him, dumbass!" Virgil yelled, throwing Remus away from him. "That's why I want him out!"</p>
<p>"So you care about him?" Remus asked cheekily.</p>
<p>"You cannot be serious." Virgil groaned. "Yeah of course I do! He's important, Remus! If he suffers, the work suffers! You know that!"</p>
<p>"I do!" Remus beamed brightly, then kicked the cube and drew a stifled yelp from the side trapped within. "Alright. It's no fun anymore, anyway. Not now that you're getting all protective."</p>
<p>Virgil glared, and Remus sighed.</p>
<p>"Fine. But that's the last time I try to be helpful!" he snarled, snapping his fingers and vanishing. Fluorescent lights flickered on overhead and the box around Roman dissolved into nothing, and Virgil got his first good look at the room they were in, as well as Roman.</p>
<p>It was like an old gym, with no bleachers or doors but the one Virgil had entered through. The floor was smooth and glassy, and Roman was curled upon it, one hand wrapped around his abdomen in a make-shift hug with the other pressing tightly over his mouth.</p>
<p>Virgil fell to his knees, reaching hesitantly toward him. Roman's eyes were glassy, and Virgil wasn't sure if Roman saw him there. Or anything at all.</p>
<p>"Roman...?"</p>
<p>Roman's head snapped up and he stared at Virgil, eyes wide and terrified. Even when Roman had been messed with by Virgil's room, he hadn't been like this. That had been anxiety - this was just cold terror. Helplessness.</p>
<p>Virgil gently pulled Roman into a hug, shocked at how frigid the other side was. Roman melted into him, shoulders shaking with sobs he was still trying to stifle under one hand.</p>
<p>Twenty hours.</p>
<p>God, it made Virgil feel sick.</p>
<p>"Come on." he managed to say, somewhat calmly. "We're getting out of here, okay? Patton was making cookies when I left."</p>
<p>"N-no!" Roman's hand fell from his mouth. "I-I'm fine. I'm fine, I wasn't... I wasn't scared I just... I'm fine. I'm sorry, I'm okay."</p>
<p>"Whoa, whoa," Virgil held up his hands. "What? Roman, this isn't-"</p>
<p>"J-just..." Roman scooted away, hands fumbling as he tried to comb his hair back and straighten his rumpled clothing. "Forget... forget it. Forget this happened. I'm not... this isn't..." he tried to stand, only to cry out in pain as he straightened his legs, which must have been cramped and bent the past eight hours, falling back down.</p>
<p>Virgil ignored his protests, gently picking Roman up as comfortably as he could. Roman's face flamed, tears rolling down it again as he opted to hide in Virgil's jacket. Virgil let him, walking to the door and stepping out, closing it behind him. It was Roman's door, he noted. It hadn't been an illusion. Remus had actually managed to control Roman's room somehow. He'd have to look into that.</p>
<p>"I don't want help," Roman said, reaching out to grasp the banister before he started down the stairs. "I-I'm fine. Really. I don't need-"</p>
<p>"You're not fine!" Virgil snapped. Roman winced, looking away. "I don't care what you say - your legs need time to wake up and you will fall down the stairs if you try right now. So I'm going to carry you."</p>
<p>Roman's composure crumpled once again and he nodded, mumbling something as he hid his face again. Virgil frowned.</p>
<p>"I can't... I can't understand what you said. What did you say?"</p>
<p>"Pl-please don't..." Roman looked away in shame. "Don't make... fun of me."</p>
<p>Virgil's heart felt like it had been smashed into tiny pieces at the way Roman said that.</p>
<p>"I wouldn't ever do that," Virgil said gently, staring slowly down the stairs. "Never. I swear, Roman." Roman didn't reply, and it took Virgil a moment to realize that Roman had passed out in his arms.</p>
<p>He must be exhausted, Virgil figured as he carried the prince to the couch. There was no way Roman would have been able to sleep while in Remus's little terror room, and if Remus was telling the truth - which he usually did - it had been twenty hours, maybe more depending on what Roman had been doing beforehand.</p>
<p>"Wh- what happened?" Patton asked in alarm from where he stood next to Logan, a bowl of cookie mix in his arms. "Roman?"</p>
<p>"A long story," Virgil muttered, draping a blanket over his friend. "Give me a second." he was stalling, and he knew it. But Virgil hated the idea of how the other two would react to the tale he was about to tell.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman bolted upright, eyes flying open in terror. They were met with the sight of a brightly lit living room, with a Disney movie playing quietly and soft voices from the kitchen - though they faltered upon his waking.</p>
<p>Right. Virgil had been there. Virgil knew.</p>
<p>Roman pressed a hand over his mouth anyway, maybe out of habit, in an attempt to keep his panicked breaths under control.</p>
<p>"Roman, you feeling alright, kiddo?" Roman turned his head to meet Patton's wide-eyed, worried gaze. After a moment, he let his hand drop to the blanket across his lap.</p>
<p>"I-I'm perfectly alright, padre..." he said with a forced smile, stumbling to his feet and folding the blanket sloppily.</p>
<p>"Wh- you should be resting!" Patton protested, reaching out to grab him. Roman finched, and Patton pulled his hand back. "Do you want a cookie?"</p>
<p>"Not at the moment, I'm afraid." Roman attempted and failed to act like he usually did. Virgil must have told them what happened - he could tell in the way Patton and Logan looked at him. "I have a few projects, and I really shouldn't-"</p>
<p>"No way in hell you're going back up there!" Virgil yelled, hurrying over to bar the bottom of the stairs. Roman looked at him pleadingly. "I'm not kidding, Roman! Not only are you definitely not going to be alone after that, but we still haven't figured out how to keep him from manipulating your room. There is no way on earth I'm letting you back in there."</p>
<p>Roman sighed, shoulders slumping and sat back down on the couch with his head in his hands. He didn't understand. Why did they care? It was ridiculous to be afraid of something so stupid. It was pathetic that he'd let Remus get to him like that. He was pathetic, and he was a failure, and they all knew it.</p>
<p>"Rest and companionship are imperative for your recovery, Roman," Logan spoke up. Roman lifted his head, staring in confusion at the logical side. "From what I know, you were deprived of sleep and most stimulus for almost a full day. It would be highly unwise for you to be isolated at the present moment."</p>
<p>"What recovery?" Roman asked with a shake of his head. "I'm not sick, Logan. I'm not hurt. I'm just..." he looked away and hung his head. "I'm just pathetic."</p>
<p>"You may not be physically injured," Logan agreed slowly, walking over to sit next to him. "But that doesn't mean you don't have to recover."</p>
<p>"Recover from what!" Roman snapped, throwing a hand in the air. "What happened, Logan, that I need to recover from? The dark? Wow, so scary, an amount of light in a certain area! Am I really so pathetic that I can't get over a stupid... fear?"</p>
<p>"Roman..." Patton sounded close to tears and Roman groaned, covering his face with his hands once more. "You're not pathetic, kiddo. It's not your fault that you're scared of the dark."</p>
<p>"I'm not afraid of the dark!" Roman snapped on instinct, despite the obvious lie. "I just don't... I just don't like it. I'm not afraid of it. I-I'm not afraid of anything, I'm a prince! Alright?" he laughed sadly. "I-I'm not..."</p>
<p>"Roman, you're allowed to be afraid of things," Virgil said softly, now sitting closer to him. "We're all afraid of something, generally more than one thing, too."</p>
<p>"N-no." Roman's voice shook. "I-I can't be... I'm the prince. I'm creativity, I don't... I don't fear anything!"</p>
<p>"Yes, you do." Virgil gently pulled Roman's head up to meet his gaze. "I know you do. And it's okay, we're all scared of things. Even Logan, except he won't agree with me."</p>
<p>"I-"</p>
<p>"Just nod and agree," Virgil said, rolling his eyes. Logan sighed but stayed silent. Roman shook his head.</p>
<p>"I'm not... I'm not afraid of the dark," he whispered softly.</p>
<p>"For goodness sakes!" Logan burst out. "It doesn't matter if you're afraid of the dark, Roman. What matters is that you went through something traumatic. Even a person who loved being in the dark would have suffered when going through that. You were deprived of your sensations and your free will - and god knows what else happened - and that hurt you."</p>
<p>"See?" Virgil offered a smile and Roman sat back, wiping the tears from his face. "No one cares if you are afraid of the dark or not, it doesn't matter. We just care about you - so let us help."</p>
<p>"I suppose..." Roman took a shaky breath, combing his hair back with one hand. "I suppose that makes sense."</p>
<p>"Can I give you a hug, kiddo?" Patton asked with a watery smile. Roman nodded and smiled as he was wrapped in Patton's warm embrace.</p>
<p>"While..." he cleared his throat softly. "While this is very nice - I'm afraid that keeping me from my room until Remus has no control over it will be impossible."</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?" Virgil scowled. "We aren't supposed to be able to manipulate other people's rooms."</p>
<p>"You all can't." Roman agreed softly. "And I cannot change yours... but Remus and I can control each others. We generally don't, because if I'm perfectly honest I really don't like going to his, but that's just the way it is. The way it always has been."</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>"That does not mean we cannot take precautions," Logan suggested. "There is still a barrier between us and the others, is there not? It affects Remus as long as Thomas wants it to. And based on what Remus actually is, it will always affect him." Roman shrugged.</p>
<p>"As I said, we rarely interact."</p>
<p>"But when you do," Virgil said slowly, realization flooding his features. "It's like that."</p>
<p>Roman hesitated, looking to the floor. Patton hugged him a bit tighter, and he nodded.</p>
<p>"Er, yes. I'm afraid that is how most of our interactions play out - in some way or another," he confessed. "Usually not to such a high degree, but I suppose he was just feeling aggravated over Thomas's reaction to meeting him."</p>
<p>"That doesn't excuse it," Patton said softly. "He hurt you."</p>
<p>Roman rested his head on Patton's shoulder, letting out a soft breath.</p>
<p>"Just stay with us for a little while longer, Kiddo." Patton pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Everything will be alright."</p>
<p>They knew, now. Roman thought to himself as they turned up the volume on the TV, burying the cuddle pile in blankets. They knew, and they hadn't reacted at all as he expected. Logan didn't think he was Pathetic. Patton... well, Patton was going to baby all of them no matter what he knew about them. Virgil... well, his reaction had surprised Roman most of all. Perhaps he really had forgiven Roman for all those years of cruelty. That thought was oddly comforting.</p>
<p>But Roman still wasn't afraid of the dark.</p>
<p>He was afraid of what lay waiting inside of it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm pretty proud of this one tbh. It may not be my best, but it's pretty gosh darn alright! I love writing Remus as the villain but also as not a villain so you will find NO consistency in my writing of their interactions hahaaaaaa I just really like villains okay we all need some good villains.</p>
<p>Anyway, Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave any requests on the chapter titles 'About Requests', and I'll try my best to write them well!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Lost In The Sauce</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted October 15, 2019</p>
<p>WARNINGS: depression, sad Roman, sympathetic Remus, feeling as if you aren't good enough, self-deprecation, self-hatred, derealization, feeling like you aren't real, food mentions.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus would be the first to admit that he didn't have the best relationship with his brother. They were twins, but that didn't mean they had to get along. It was always a competition, in both boys' minds. Remus was always 'Romans twin'. He was never Remus. On the flip side, as he'd discovered recently when talking with his brother, Roman had frequently been introduced the same way. 'Remus's Twin'. So, really, what was the competition?</p>
<p>They'd been getting along better in recent years, Remus had to admit. Letting go of petty squabbles to focus on school, or theater, or whatever show Remus was watching or whatever new relationship Roman had gotten swept up in. There was less time to argue. And when they were both up late, Roman texting a boy and Remus binge-watching another show, Remus found he quite enjoyed spending the time with him.</p>
<p>Late night conversations between the two were fascinating and would either baffle or terrify an outsider. But to Remus, and he hoped Roman, they made sense. And he found that he was much fonder of his brother than he used to be.</p>
<p>With this fondness, Remus found himself paying more attention to the other. The way that, despite his dramatics and loud laughter and bright clothing, Roman was dull. It worried him, but what could he say? They hadn't exactly talked out all their issues together, the familial bond Remus had found was, as far as he knew, one-sided. Roman still resented him, and that was alright. That was fine. Remus could care for him best he could without forcing Roman's forgiveness. So he couldn't very well ask Roman what was going on.</p>
<p>But he could watch and ache in worry and fear as his brother's grades slipped further toward failing. He could listen through their shared wall - no longer sharing a room like they had when they were young - as Roman sobbed late into the night. He could see Roman replace his wardrobe with brightly colored hoodies instead of t-shirts, even in the summer. He could sense the deep unhappiness inside his brother whenever they spoke, and Roman would laugh loudly and keep up his act perfectly.</p>
<p>Oh yes, he definitely kept up his act. He was the exact same, in almost every way. The hoodies were comforting, he said. He got them free from drama club, might as well wear them. He didn't care about grades, Roman claimed. He was a teenager, he didn't have to care about grades.</p>
<p>Remus knew better.</p>
<p>But what could he do?</p>
<p>Remus hated it. The guilt that twisted in his stomach whenever he saw his brother, despite him having done nothing wrong. He hadn't done anything right, either. Roman was hurting, and what was Remus doing about it? Nothing. He was doing nothing.</p>
<p>The guilt got to be too much, and so he reluctantly tried his best. He lay off the insults, the so-called 'friendly' bickering. Instead, when they sat together, increasingly uncommonly, he would just lean on his brother's shoulder in an attempt to provide wordless comfort.</p>
<p>He should have known it would backfire.</p>
<p>"What are you doing?" Roman finally demanded one night, when Remus had taken his spot on the couch beside him as Roman watched a Disney movie.</p>
<p>"Hm?" Remus looked at him innocently. Roman paused the movie, face a mask of unhappiness.</p>
<p>"Why are you acting so weird? Why are you being so nice? What happened to hating me?"</p>
<p>"What?" Remus's eyes widened. "I... I don't hate you..."</p>
<p>"Well, why are you suddenly being so nice to me?" Roman demanded. "It's weird, and you never talk to me anymore about your weird ideas and all you do is... is..." Remus stared in horror as tears filled his brother's eyes. "Why do you act like you care?"</p>
<p>"I do care!" Remus grabbed his brother's arms, bringing him around so they'd face each other. "Roman, what's going on? What happened? Why are you-" he didn't finish his sentence before Roman dissolved into tears, burying his face in Remus's pajama shirt. Remus froze, unsure of what to do.</p>
<p>When had he last hugged his brother? When had either of them last done something that wasn't a casual touch, or a dramatic fake attack? When had... when had Roman last been hugged?</p>
<p>"I-it's okay." Remus wrapped his trembling hands around the other, pulling him close. "I... I'm sorry... it's okay, Roman."</p>
<p>What on earth was going on?</p>
<p>Roman cried for quite a while, but Remus wasn't surprised. He often heard Roman sobbing for hours at a time when he thought they were all asleep. But this, with Roman right there and he could see him and feel the sobs shaking him and the tears soaking his shirt, it was different.</p>
<p>"What happened to you?" Remus finally forced the question out. Roman, who had run out of tears by now, took a great shuddering breath and shook his head, sitting up again.</p>
<p>"Nothing, Rem, I'm-"</p>
<p>"No!" Remus grabbed his shoulders, narrowing his eyes. "I know that's a lie, Roman! You've been... you've been doing this for too long!" Roman's brow furrowed.</p>
<p>"What are you talking about? I-"</p>
<p>"Don't try that," Remus said softly. "I know something's wrong. You wanna know why I've been so nice lately? Because I'm a shitty brother, and I've been trying to be better. You need help, Roman, I just don't... I want you to be happy..."</p>
<p>Roman just stared at him, mouth partly open, and that guilt twisted up inside Remus once again. He pulled Roman in this time, wrapping him tightly in a proper hug.</p>
<p>"You've been hurting for too long," he whispered to his shocked brother. "And I haven't done anything. And I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"Y- I thought- no one could..." Roman's voice was soft, choked out as if he couldn't breathe. "No one could tell."</p>
<p>"I can." Remus insisted, refusing to let his brother go. "And I want... I want you back. I want Roman back. Please tell me what's wrong."</p>
<p>"Remus..." Roman's voice cracked and he buried his face in Remus's shoulder. "I can't."</p>
<p>"Please." Remus pulled back, meeting his brother's eyes. Roman stared back, and Remus hated the terror that hid behind his eyes. "Please tell me."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman stared, numb and buzzing and overwhelmed with feeling all at the same time. Remus was begging him, and Roman didn't know if he'd ever seen his brother cry before.</p>
<p>"Okay." He agreed despite the alarms in his mind and the memories that flashed through it, driving him further into the dark hole he resided in. That he'd resided in for over a year now.</p>
<p>"R-really?" Remus seemed surprised, but relieved. Roman didn't know how to feel about that. He'd assumed for so long that Remus didn't care. No one cared. Roman was alone, and that was that. But perhaps, the companion he'd once seen as a curse was just proof he wasn't alone after all.</p>
<p>"I..." Roman swallowed, breaking away from Remus's intense gaze. "I just... I disgust myself." The words fell out, heavy and burning from his mouth, and they stayed there. A beat of silence followed, and Roman didn't know if he'd be able to speak if he knew what to say.</p>
<p>"Why?"</p>
<p>"Why?" Roman echoed his brother's question, mind spinning down a rabbit hole of disastrous instances. "Everything about me, Remus! Look at me!" he spun around to face his brother, now on his feet as he spread his arms. "What about me isn't... fake? Everything is fake! I am fake! Roman isn't real, and I'm just pretending..." the pain of what he'd said to himself for so long ripped from inside him as he ranted. "I'm just pretending to be a person that doesn't exist! I'm not real, Remus! Nothing about me... nothing about me is real!"</p>
<p>"You are real!" Remus snapped, grabbing Roman's arms. Roman shook his head, barely feeling the tight grip, or the tears rolling down his face. "Roman, I know you're real. You're as real as I am. Am I real?"</p>
<p>"Of course you are," Roman muttered, eyes skating over the face that looked just like his own. "You were always the real one."</p>
<p>"We're both real!" Remus insisted.</p>
<p>"Maybe we used to be." Roman held back more sobs and shook his head. "Not anymore, Remus. You don't... you have no idea. I'm gone. I'm just... empty now. I'm like an empty easter egg, where there used to be jellybeans but everyone just... stole the jellybeans. They didn't even want the jellybeans! They hated jellybeans but they took them anyway and now..." the gaping chasm in Roman's chest seemed to open wider. "There's nothing left."</p>
<p>"Who?" Remus demanded. "Who hurt you? I'll set them on fire! I'll-"</p>
<p>"Remus." Roman's voice shook, but Remus still fell silent and looked at him. "Please. Just..."</p>
<p>"Okay." Remus breathed deeply, pulling Roman back into a hug. "Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get more jellybeans."</p>
<p>"Neither of us actually like jellybeans." Roman pointed out, despite being the one to start the metaphor in the first place.</p>
<p>"Roman."</p>
<p>"Okay..." Roman sighed, closing his eyes tiredly. "How am I supposed to get more 'jellybeans'?"</p>
<p>"The same way you got the first ones," Remus said softly. "And how'd you get the first ones?"</p>
<p>That, Roman found, was an excellent question. Was Remus still using the metaphor, or was he thinking Roman had the answer for real life? As Roman had no answers, he continued the comparison.</p>
<p>"The easter bunny, or whatever. I dunno, stuck em in there and let me loose."</p>
<p>Remus laughed, actually laughed, and Roman opened his eyes with a tired smile.</p>
<p>"That's not what I meant!" he scolded, shaking his head. "You know what I mean, Roman. Unless you're suddenly religious, no one stuffed you with jellybeans as you left the womb!" Roman snickered, rubbing tears from his face.</p>
<p>"Alright, okay." When was the last time he had been genuinely amused? It felt nice. As if a tiny piece of himself had appeared once more in the chasm. "Um... I dunno, Remus. I'm getting lost in the metaphor, here."</p>
<p>"Okay..." Remus rubbed his forehead, obviously trying to think. "What about... hey! What about that thing?"</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"The reaction thing!" Remus snapped his fingers. "For every action, there is.... An opposite and equal reaction?"</p>
<p>"Since when are you Uncle Logan?"</p>
<p>"Since I need to help you feel better." Remus waved a hand. "The jellybeans are gone, yeah, but somethings gotta take their place."</p>
<p>"Nothing did." Roman shook his head. "That's the point, Remus. I'm not..."</p>
<p>"You're real!" Remus insisted. "Just lost in the sauce!"</p>
<p>"Lost in the-"</p>
<p>"You aren't the egg!" Remus declared, grabbing Roman's face. Roman stared at him, baffled. Remus laughed sadly, letting go. "Sorry. Um, you're not the egg, Roman. You ARE the jellybeans! And the jellybeans got chucked into candy soup!"</p>
<p>"You lost me." Roman sighed. "How is this supposed to make me feel better?"</p>
<p>"Just... listen." Remus pulled them back to sit on the couch. "You don't know what you are and what you aren't."</p>
<p>"Right." Roman sighed unhappily, pulling his legs up to his chest and hugging them.</p>
<p>"That doesn't mean you're empty, Roman. You aren't the egg! The jellybeans weren't wanted, right? So they got thrown in the bowl with all the other gross candy and the egg got taken away."</p>
<p>"Sure." Roman rubbed his forehead, trying to follow his brother's line of logic.</p>
<p>"And now you aren't sure if you were the jellybeans, to begin with, or if you were a Cadbury egg. Or if you were a Laffy taffy. Or if you were Hershey's kiss. Or if you were candy at all!"</p>
<p>"...okay..." Roman nodded uncertainly, running Remus's words through his head.</p>
<p>"So," Remus spread his hands. "Now that you remember you used to be jellybeans, we can sort the candy!"</p>
<p>"And how do we do that?" Roman raised an eyebrow. Remus hesitated, then leaned over and pulled open the drawer in the side-table, scrambling through until he procured a pad of paper and a pen. Roman looked at him, not sure how he felt about what Remus was going to suggest.</p>
<p>"We name the jellybeans," Remus said seriously, scribbling on the corner of the paper to be sure the pen worked. "One."</p>
<p>Roman said nothing, and soon Remus looked up at him with raised eyebrows.</p>
<p>"Oh! Was..." Roman frowned. "Was I supposed to name them?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Remus sighed. "If you used to be jellybeans - if you used to be real - tell me about the jellybeans. Who were you before you got lost in the sauce?"</p>
<p>"Stop saying that."</p>
<p>"No." Remus rolled his eyes. "Just name the jellybeans!"</p>
<p>"Alright, alright." Roman sighed, trying to think. Who had he been? Who was he pretending to be? "Um, dramatic. I guess."</p>
<p>"Dramatic!" Remus agreed, scribbling it down. "Next?"</p>
<p>"...annoying..." Roman spoke hesitantly, and while he could tell Remus didn't like it, he wrote that down as well, nodding.</p>
<p>"Next!"</p>
<p>"Loud."</p>
<p>"Next!"</p>
<p>"Friendly, I suppose."</p>
<p>"Hell yeah! Next!"</p>
<p>"Inconsiderate."</p>
<p>This time, Remus did look up and watch Roman with pursed lips. Roman scowled.</p>
<p>"Remus, this was your idea."</p>
<p>"Fine. Fine. I didn't want you to be mean to yourself!"</p>
<p>"I'm telling the truth!" Roman pointed out. "I always have been inconsiderate." Remus sighed.</p>
<p>"I mean yeah, okay." he scribbled it down. "Next."</p>
<p>So, they continued writing down 'jellybeans'. Ranging from "short?" to "insecure."</p>
<p>Then, Remus had filled the page.</p>
<p>"OKAY!" He yelled, making Roman jump.</p>
<p>"God - Remus, don't do that!"</p>
<p>"Sorry." Remus laughed, tearing the paper off. "Anyway, these jellybeans are the ones that got lost in the sauce, right?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Roman sighed.</p>
<p>"We found them." Remus waved the paper.</p>
<p>"Yes..." Roman frowned as he realized they had, in fact, found them.</p>
<p>"But you don't like jellybeans," Remus said, putting the paper on the coffee table and resuming his position, getting ready to write. "So let's say that, in the sauce, there are skittles. You like skittles, right?"</p>
<p>"Taste the rainbow." Roman nodded, causing his brother to grin.</p>
<p>"So, what are some skittles?"</p>
<p>"I don't know what you're talking about, bro." Roman sighed at last.</p>
<p>"If you don't want to be jellybeans." Remus gestured at the other paper. "And you don't want to be lost in the sauce, you've gotta be skittles."</p>
<p>"...okay?"</p>
<p>"So what do you want to be?" Remus asked, looking at him expectantly.</p>
<p>"Oh." Roman stared back at him, thinking wildly. "Um, I..."</p>
<p>"Just one," Remus suggested. "Just one skittle."</p>
<p>"I want..." Roman ran a hand through his hair, looking at the list of so-called 'jellybeans'. Most of them were self-deprecating, but some of them.... "I do want to be dramatic."</p>
<p>"Dramatic!" Remus beamed, writing it down.</p>
<p>"And energetic. I want to actually have energy." Roman added softly.</p>
<p>"Wonderful!"</p>
<p>"And I want to... listen." Roman murmured. "Be attentive, and empathetic. Not inconsiderate."</p>
<p>"Replace the jellybean!" Remus beamed. "Like I was telling you!"</p>
<p>"Yes." Roman laughed softly.</p>
<p>"Okay, well..." Remus turned the paper, aptly labeled 'Skittles', with the words Roman had spoken listen on it as well. "This is you. And it's real."</p>
<p>"That's me." Roman clarified, narrowing his eyes.</p>
<p>"Yep!" Remus beamed. "There's probably more skittles that got lost in the sauce, but you have time to find them. You can start with this, though. Instead of forcing yourself to be jellybeans, you gotta allow yourself to be skittles. Right?"</p>
<p>"...right." Roman accepted the notepad gingerly, as if it might explode - which he half expected it to. His eyes skated over the words on the paper.</p>
<p>Roman was Dramatic. He was energetic, and he was empathetic and kind. Roman was real. Tears welled up in Roman's eyes and he looked at Remus, who was staring back uncertainly.</p>
<p>"Did... that help?" he asked softly.</p>
<p>"It did." Roman could barely speak. "Oh my god, Remus..." they'd hugged so many times already, but he couldn't stop himself from lurching forward into his brother's arms.</p>
<p>Tiny pieces had blossomed in the center of the chasm he always felt.</p>
<p>Skittles, rattling around in an easter egg.</p>
<p>"Thank you," Roman whispered through his tears.</p>
<p>"No problem, brother dear." Remus laughed softly. "Just let me know next time you get lost in the sauce."</p>
<p>"Stop calling it lost in the sauce!" Roman complained loudly, while Remus just laughed. He didn't really mind, though. Roman taped the lists of skittles to his mirror, and over the next year, it grew bit by bit.</p>
<p>It had never occurred to Roman to focus on what he <em>wanted</em> to be, rather than what he was <em>supposed </em>to be.</p>
<p>And maybe, he realized as he thought about how up-front and casual Remus always was, that's all he should have cared about in the first place.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So yeah. I hope you liked this because I'm quite proud of it. The jellybean and skittle shiz was all Remus - but this is something I do with myself a lot when I dissociate or start to dislike myself. It helped me get out of a really dark, suicidal place, and actually helped me to realize and accept the fact that I'm transgender! So, if you think it might help, I highly recommend it. Keep in mind, though, I'm also going to therapy and taking medication for my ADHD now, so this isn't going to magically fix stuff. Yeah. Idk. </p>
<p>Thanks for reading!! I always love writing requests - and I'm getting really fond of writing the creativitwins (in case you can't tell) - so feel free to leave some on the first chapter and I'll try to get to them as soon as possible.</p>
<p>Thanks again!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Pretty Red Lines</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted October 22, 2019</p>
<p>WARNINGS: Injury, blood, thoughts of self-harm, intrusive thoughts of self-harm, mentions of previous self-harm, the glorification of self-harm. Literally, the thoughts get dark. I'm not joking. I triggered myself writing this, dammit. Why do I do this to myself?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It started with a dresser.</p>
<p>"Just- just like five more feet." Virgil laughed softly from the other side, where he was holding the other end. Roman grunted in response, lifting once more to help his friend finish moving into the new apartment.</p>
<p>"You owe me like, seven tacos."</p>
<p>"Yeah yeah, let's just - shit!"</p>
<p>The dresser slipped and Roman gasped, adjusting his grip to keep it from smashing Virgil's feet. It scratched along his arm and Virgil quickly caught his side again, they lowered it into place moments later.</p>
<p>"Sorry." Virgil laughed, leaning against the dresser and wiping his forehead.</p>
<p>"It's fine, hot topic." Roman laughed, rubbing the scratch on his arm with a shake of his head. Virgil glanced down, eyes widening in worry.</p>
<p>"Fuck, are you okay?" Roman glanced down at the angry red line, surprised that there were actually droplets of blood oozing up in places.</p>
<p>"Oh, yes." he rubbed them away and the wound was shallow enough that no new blood welled up. "Better than you breaking your toe again."</p>
<p>"That was ages ago." Virgil rolled his eyes. Roman shrugged, averting his eyes from the scratch to look around.</p>
<p>"Well, we're just about finished getting you settled!" he cried, dramatically throwing himself onto his best friend's bed. "We should take a break."</p>
<p>"We took a break before moving the dresser." Virgil pointed out but still slumped down next to him, laughing lightly. "Thanks for helping out."</p>
<p>"No problem, I'm the muscle of the group." Roman flexed, wiggling his eyebrows. Virgil threw a pillow at his face.</p>
<p>"Why are we taking a break? There's like, three more boxes and then we're done." Virgil asked after a moment, getting back to his feet. Roman followed, amused. "You're a bad influence."</p>
<p>"I've been called many things." Roman hummed, stretching his arms out in front of him. The angry red line across his forearm assaulted his eyes and he frowned, reaching to run a finger over it again.</p>
<p>
  <em>Pretty red lines.</em>
</p>
<p>No. Roman looked away, accepting the box Virgil handed him with a broad smile. He was not thinking about that - it had been months now.</p>
<p>"Once we're done, I'm ordering pizza," Virgil added as they put the boxes on the kitchen counter. "You wanna help me unpack because we're bestest friends?"</p>
<p>"Of course!" Roman elbowed him with a chuckle. Though he noted as the destructive thoughts danced in the back of his mind, he also didn't trust himself so be alone at the moment.</p>
<p>The boxes were all brought in and the pizza was ordered, and they were seated on the cold tile floor sorting Virgil's various dishes.</p>
<p>The line seemed to scream for attention whenever Roman glimpsed it, bright red in contrast to his tanned skin and the nearly invisible faded scars it resembled.</p>
<p>
  <em>Pretty red lines. Proof that you're not alright. Pretty red lines.</em>
</p>
<p>"Why do you have so many wooden spoons?" Roman asked incredulously upon opening another box. Virgil sighed.</p>
<p>"My grandmother, remember? Every time I see her, she gives me one." He smiled sadly, pulling the box away. "Bless her heart, though. Not her fault she can't remember."</p>
<p>"Well, you'll always have enough," Roman noted. Virgil laughed, brushing hair out of his face.</p>
<p>"I guess you're right about that. You sure you don't want any antibacterial ointment?" he nodded to Roman's arm and Roman glanced down. The scratch was just as red and angry as ever, though it had started to scab on the edges.</p>
<p>"I'll be fine," Roman promised, shaking his head. "It'll take more than that to kill me."</p>
<p>"Famous last words."</p>
<p>Roman laughed, a genuine smile crossing his face despite the words in his head.</p>
<p>
  <em>Show them all how much pain you're really in, Roman. Just a few more pretty red lines.</em>
</p>
<p>God, what the hell was wrong with him? Roman closed his eyes for a moment, attempting to banish the thoughts but only succeeding in providing more space for images to flash in his head. Memories. Lines across his wrists and arms like the one now, deeper and scabbed over for ages before scarring. His eyes snapped open and he pulled another box toward him, attempting to be oblivious to Virgil's worried gaze.</p>
<p>He was better. Roman said to himself, over and over in his mind. He was better now. He'd stopped. He'd stopped all of that. He didn't even want to hurt himself, he hated the way it felt so enticing right now because he didn't want to. Right? He hated the idea of cutting himself again.</p>
<p>
  <em>You don't have a reason to cry - but you can give yourself one. Add more pretty red lines to prove you aren't faking it.</em>
</p>
<p>"Heads up!" Virgil yelled, throwing a ball of newspaper at him. Roman ducked, laughing as he grabbed a piece and crumpled it, throwing back. "Just keeping you on your toes, princey."</p>
<p>"I'm always on my toes." Roman declared dramatically.</p>
<p>"You were spacing out." Virgil teased him, retrieving the paper and shoving it back into the garbage bag.</p>
<p>"I was thinking," Roman said, forcing his attention back on the task at hand.</p>
<p>"Wow, really? I didn't know you could think."</p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah." Roman rolled his eyes, stacking Virgil's plates gently on the counter. "Why do you have this many dishes? You live alone."</p>
<p>"You think I don't know Patton's gonna insist on dinners and movie nights at everyone's places once we're settled?" Virgil asked incredulously. "That's enough for all of us, and in case I don't wanna wash dishes."</p>
<p>"Fair enough." Roman laughed, pushing a few empty boxes to the side and standing up.</p>
<p>The doorbell rang and Virgil left to pay for the pizza, leaving Roman alone in the kitchen. He stared down at the line on his arm, running a finger over it once again. His wrists ached strangely, begging for more. He hated it. He hated the thoughts that forced into his mind, reminding him how it would feel to dig into his skin and injure himself worse than ever. To dig a knife blade into his bones. To -</p>
<p>"Fuck."</p>
<p>Roman pushed his hands behind him, gripping the counter. He could still feel it. He could still feel the incessant need to grab one of Virgil's new kitchen knives and hurt himself. God, why the hell was this happening? It hadn't been this bad for months. He hated it. He wanted it to stop and he knew it only would once he cut himself - and it wouldn't last for very long.</p>
<p>"...Roman?"</p>
<p>Roman looked up, numbly making eye contact with Virgil.</p>
<p>"What's going on?" Virgil put the pizza on the table, walking to stand next to him. "Are you sick?"</p>
<p>"I'm fine." Roman lied, taking a few deep breaths. Virgil narrowed his eyes.</p>
<p>"No, you're not."</p>
<p>"I'm fine," Roman said again, though his throat was tightening miserably and he instinctively grabbed one of his own wrists, the sensation weakly mimicking the one he wanted. Virgil's eyes followed the action, and they widened.</p>
<p>"Roman... what's going on? Why... did I say something? Did you-"</p>
<p>
  <em>Pretty red lines to show that nothing will erase their mistakes. Hurt you forever and you hurt yourself for it.</em>
</p>
<p>What the hell? No one had ever hurt him - that's why it pissed Roman off so much. He had no reason to do this.</p>
<p>"Okay..." Virgil pulled Roman into a timid embrace, surprising him. Virgil didn't like hugs. "I need you to try and breathe, princey. I know you're thinking some shitty thoughts but you have to... you have to breathe." Roman nodded, forcing a few shuddering breaths until his thoughts cleared slightly.</p>
<p>"I don't..." Roman blinked back tears. "I don't understand, Vee. I don't want to, I really.... But I want to and I can't think of anything else and I hate it and I can feel it and I just..."</p>
<p>"Come sit down." Virgil pulled him over to the couch - one they'd just picked up from a thrift store the day before. "Just talk to me, Ro. I won't judge you, we just gotta figure out why you feel like this again."</p>
<p>"I don't have a fucking reason!" Roman snapped, pulling out of Virgil's arms to wring his hands around his wrists. "I never did - I'm just stupid! And I don't know why the hell I want to give myself more scars I hate the scars but I love them at the same time and it makes me so freaking... pissed off..."</p>
<p>"That's okay," Virgil said gently, trying to take Roman's hands again. "Not your fault."</p>
<p>"Whose fault is it, then?" Roman snapped.</p>
<p>"It's no-one's fault, and it sucks shit but that's the way life is." Virgil sighed, then looked down at Roman's arms again. His eyes widened. "Oh. Roman, did... you don't get scraped up a lot, do you?"</p>
<p>"No, why the hell does that matter?" Roman asked tearfully, following his gaze to the scratch on his arm.</p>
<p>"Dammit," Virgil pulled him into a hug.</p>
<p>"Vee?"</p>
<p>"Seeing the scratch, Roman. It's... I guess a trigger. More so than seeing the scars, because it's new and it hurt and it's real." he was right. Roman closed his eyes miserably.</p>
<p>"The feeling will go away if I just-"</p>
<p>"No." Virgil shook his head violently. "We're gonna eat some pizza and watch movies, I can unpack another time. We'll get you thinking about other stuff, and I'll see what I can do about the scratch."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Roman sighed. "I wanted to help, we were-"</p>
<p>"No apologizing." Virgil got up, grabbing two plates and the pizza box. "Movies are already unpacked because I was weirdly motivated at two AM last night."</p>
<p>"Right." Roman knelt by Virgil's shelf, eyes skating over the movies.</p>
<p>"Pick a funny one," Virgil said, ripping open a box to remove a few blankets.</p>
<p>Roman nodded, idly pulling Peter Pan off the shelf. His wrist brushed the corner of the shelf and he paused, hating that he had the urge to rub against it until he bled.</p>
<p>"Ro." Virgil was there, pulling him over to the couch and taking the case. "Want me to call Patton and Logan? They could try to help..."</p>
<p>"No." Roman hated that idea. For one thing, he hadn't told Patton about his self-harm. Ever. And he was not about to disappoint the other. For another thing, that would just make him more stressed out.</p>
<p>"Alright." Virgil put in the movie before joining him. "You need anything, tell me. I'll hold your hands, or hug you, or we could break out the markers and draw on your arms if that'd help."</p>
<p>
  <em>Pretty red lines, Roman. Pretty red lines.</em>
</p>
<p>"It might..." Roman murmured, staring down at his arms.</p>
<p>"And we could draw over the scratch, and you wouldn't see it as well anymore." Virgil decided, moving to another box and pulling it open, rummaging through. He came back with a pack of colorful sharpies, and Roman accepted them gingerly.</p>
<p>He traced the first one across his wrist, tears springing to his eyes as the aching need for that sensation lessened.</p>
<p>By the end of the night, both of Roman's arms were covered in drawings of flowers, and books, and stars and random doodles from the both of them. Virgil had his fair share of drawings as well.</p>
<p>The thoughts didn't leave completely - they never had, really. Roman managed to think of other things, though, and he drifted off beside his friend, wondering how he'd ever managed to get a friend like that. He certainly didn't deserve it, but here he was.</p>
<p>Hopefully, he'd be okay.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Anyways.... there's that and I PROMISE I'm working on the requests I've just been super stressed out lately with school not going well - I'm literally going to fail all my classes oh god - but I should get some finished this week. </p>
<p>Thanks for reading!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. They Said: Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted October 29, 2019</p>
<p>WARNINGS: implied eating disorder, body-shaming parents, homophobic parents, mentions of child neglect/psychological abuse, implied relapse of an eating disorder, food mentions, manipulative support from parents, toxic parent/child relationships, self-deprecating thoughts, self-body-shaming,  sad Roman.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Roman, movie marathon Sunday this weekend!" Patton practically yelled when he plopped into the chair across from him. Virgil yelped, falling out of his chair, and Roman laughed.</p>
<p>"Shut up, Romano." Virgil muttered. Roman blew him a kiss.</p>
<p>"Sorry!" Patton giggled. "You in? Virgil, what about you?"</p>
<p>"Terribly sorry, Patton." Roman ran a hand through his hair. "I'm visiting my parents this weekend. Perhaps next time?"</p>
<p>"Your parents?" Virgil frowned, picking up the papers he'd dropped. "I thought you didn't like your parents."</p>
<p>"Of course I like my parents!" Roman forced a laugh. "We've had our differences, and I may not agree with everything they did when I was a child, but they only wanted what was best for me."</p>
<p>"You never had a Twinkie before you met me." Virgil protested. "What parents don't let their kid eat twinkies? Ever?"</p>
<p>"That's beside the point." Roman rolled his eyes. "You've forced them upon me plenty of times since we met."</p>
<p>"Do I want to ask what we are talking about?" Logan asked, arriving last of all of them as usual - exactly on time.</p>
<p>"Twinkies!" Patton beamed. "And parents - Roman's visiting home this weekend!"</p>
<p>"I suppose that means he won't be attending the movie day," Logan noted, pulling out his textbook.</p>
<p>"I will not." Roman smiled. "Apologies, all."</p>
<p>"Now that we've finished that random tangent," Logan flipped through to the chapter they were supposed to be studying. "Who actually read the chapter?"</p>
<p>"Wh- it's not finished!" Virgil protested. "Roman, I just didn't realize you still talked with your parents, I mean-"</p>
<p>"Virgil, of course, I still talk to my parents." Roman rolled his eyes. "Not about things they would be upset with, of course. But they're my parents. I can't just up and avoid them for the rest of my life."</p>
<p>"Uh, yes you can!"</p>
<p>"Why is this so distressing, Virgil?" Logan asked incredulously. "You regularly talk to your own parents as well."</p>
<p>"I just..." Virgil sighed. "I thought your parents weren't... I thought they were homophobic and shiz. You're always complaining about it, I kinda figured they kicked you out?"</p>
<p>"Ah." Roman smiled sheepishly. "They have not, because I have not told them I am gay and I probably never will."</p>
<p>"Can we please talk about the biology homework?" Logan sighed unhappily.</p>
<p>"You haven't told them!?" Virgil threw his hands in the air. "Roman!"</p>
<p>"Whaat?" Roman groaned dramatically, finally getting his own textbook out of the backpack. "I don't have to tell them everything, dark and stormy darling."</p>
<p>"It'll be fine, Virgey!" Patton giggled. "Roman knows how to take care of himself!"</p>
<p>"You don't know him the way I do," Virgil warned. "You haven't seen the things I've seen."</p>
<p>"Just what are you referring to, hot topic?" Roman winked and Virgil glared at him.</p>
<p>"Not that! God, Logan will you please help me with this?"</p>
<p>"We've been sitting here for five minutes and we have yet to discuss the homework!" Logan complained. "I see no reason to be concerned about this, Virgil. Roman is his own person."</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"Don't worry." Roman grabbed his boyfriend's hand and kissed it gently. "I'll be perfectly fine - it's only for three days. I'll call you."</p>
<p>"You better." Virgil huffed, still not seeming to be happy with the discussion.</p>
<p>"Thank you." Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses. "Now, did any of you read the chapter?" Silence, and then Patton giggled sheepishly. Logan sighed, leaning back to stare at the ceiling. "If you didn't have me, none of you would pass your classes."</p>
<p>"But we do have you." Virgil pointed out.</p>
<p>"You won't for much longer if you don't contribute!"</p>
<p>"Okay, okay." Roman opened his textbook. "We'll go over the chapter, teach. Geez."</p>
<p>"And no more tangents," Logan warned.</p>
<p>"No more tangents." Virgil agreed grudgingly, leaning on Roman's shoulder to read the book.</p>
<p>Roman chuckled, pressing a kiss to his head. He really did appreciate Virgil's concern, but it was unnecessary. His parents had never done anything to hurt him, and as long as he played his cards right, they never would.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman!" Roman laughed softly, finding himself crushed in a hug.</p>
<p>"I missed you too, mother," he said, smiling at his father who clapped him on the back. "It's been a while."</p>
<p>"Too long." the man agreed, taking Roman's duffel bag and moving so Roman could fully enter the house.</p>
<p>"I've been so excited to catch up with you!" mother said, beaming as he followed her into the living room. "We're going to talk about everything, darling!"</p>
<p>"I text you all the time." Roman pointed out.</p>
<p>"This is different!" She pouted, fussing over a strand of Romans hair that had fallen out of place. "Goodness, you've let this get out of hand!"</p>
<p>"Oh, it's alright." Roman reached up to comb it back. "I just didn't style it as much today since I was driving, that's all."</p>
<p>"I'd still like to give you a trim before you go," she said, eyes skating over Roman's face. Roman smiled politely. "Oh, look at you!"</p>
<p>"I can't, my eyes are in my head." Roman joked. She laughed, patting his arm with a shake of her head.</p>
<p>"Oh, you and your sense of humor! Did you hear that, Julian?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Roman's father joined them, eyebrow raised. "Good to see we still have our old Roman in there, after all the ways you've changed."</p>
<p>"Of course!" Roman waved a hand. "I'm just the same as I've always been, don't worry about me!"</p>
<p>"So tell us what's been going on!" mother pulled him down onto the couch. "You've talked about your friends - have you met any girls?"</p>
<p>"Well-"</p>
<p>"Roman's probably too focused on his school to date." his father laughed, ruffling Roman's hair before smoothing it over. "Right? Taking advantage of the scholarships. Not a lot of people get the opportunities you do."</p>
<p>"Of course!" Roman nodded. "I'm doing my very best, I promise."</p>
<p>"Glad to hear it." Julian smiled. "Though I wouldn't be surprised if you did manage to sweep some unsuspecting girl off her feet. How's that been?"</p>
<p>"I've gone on some dates." Roman lied easily. "But I have been mostly focusing on school, as I said earlier. A lot of the students there are, as well."</p>
<p>"Oh, yeah right." Mother laughed. "Every girl in your high school wanted to date you, Roman!"</p>
<p>"That was in high school." Roman pointed out.</p>
<p>"You have changed since then." Julian agreed lightly, glancing up and down Roman's body. "Put on quite a bit of weight, actually. How much do you eat nowadays?"</p>
<p>"What?" Roman was surprised, unprepared for the question.</p>
<p>Put on weight? He glanced self-consciously down at himself and had to admit his father was right. He'd been thin and agile in high school, and the rest of his life to be honest. But everyone had always said he was stunning - the photographers and the agents for modeling gigs his parents set up and then the directors of plays he auditioned for.</p>
<p>"Oh, I dunno..." he shrugged. "I just eat when I get hungry, I suppose. And if something is offered, why?"</p>
<p>"Oh, your father's just worried about you darling." Mother kissed Roman's cheek gently.</p>
<p>"Maybe more girls would go out with you if you lost a bit." Julian shrugged. "But I do understand that isn't your focus right now."</p>
<p>"Oh, right." Roman put on a strained smile.</p>
<p>"Of course," Julian added thoughtfully. "You are an actor - perhaps you could do with a bit more exercise and a few less snacks?"</p>
<p>"Perhaps..." Roman said slowly, mulling around his parents' words thoughtfully. "Well, we shall see! I'm not exactly trying that hard to get dates at the moment, so I have a bit of time to think about it."</p>
<p>"Think about it." Julian nodded, smiling widely.</p>
<p>"Oh, tell him about that story you heard, Julian!" Mother gasped, gripping Roman's arm excitedly. "The funny one with the actors?"</p>
<p>"Ah." the man sat down, straightening his clothing carefully once he did. "You will never believe this, Roman..."</p>
<p>Roman listened, a false smile on his face, and confused thoughts in his head. His parents just wanted what was best for him, after all. They meant nothing by it.</p>
<p>He still found himself staring in the mirror in his room that night, though, eyes skating over his body that was no longer lithe and elegant. He still felt a profound disappointment in himself, turning away and falling into his bed.</p>
<p>He forced the feeling away and picked up his phone when it rang, right on time, with Virgil's picture appearing on his screen.</p>
<p>"Hey, hot topic." he smiled, putting it to his ear and rolling over to stare at the ceiling.</p>
<p>"How was it?" Virgil asked immediately. "First-day face to face for a long time, wasn't it?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah it was." Roman forced a laugh. "They're the same as always, I suppose. Worried about me too much, but they always have been. I told you there was nothing to worry about."</p>
<p>"I worry about everything," Virgil muttered, then sighed. "Well, I'm glad it's going alright. Any awkwardness yet?"</p>
<p>"They asked if I met any girls." Roman laughed softly, lowering his voice. Virgil hummed, amused.</p>
<p>"What'd you say?"</p>
<p>"I tactfully avoided the question."</p>
<p>"Yeah right. You have zero tact." Virgil laughed. Roman pouted.</p>
<p>"What? I have plenty of tact! I'm great at redirecting conversations!"</p>
<p>"I'll believe it when I see it," Virgil said skeptically.</p>
<p>"Well, maybe you'll go blind first." Roman joked. "Like Logan." Virgil laughed loudly, sputtering slightly.</p>
<p>"He'd be so offended to hear you say that." he managed, at last, still laughing. "Oh my god, you should have seen him earlier today at dinner. Dee just freaking... roasted him. It was great."</p>
<p>"What happened?" Roman asked, grinning to himself as Virgil started telling the story. He had effectively redirected that conversation - and he was definitely going to gloat about it later.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I don't know about this..." Roman mumbled uncertainly, rubbing the fabric between his fingers. "I haven't really done a photoshoot since junior year, why do you want me to do it?"</p>
<p>"Well, you're in town." Father shrugged and brushed the hair from Roman's forehead. "And you were one of my favorite models - and that's not even because you're my son."</p>
<p>"I guess if you want me to." Roman forced a smile and his father returned it.</p>
<p>"Wonderful! Now go ahead and get changed, it should only take an hour or so."</p>
<p>Roman nodded and ducked into a changing room, pulling on an outfit from his fathers' most recent fashion line. He couldn't help but notice that it fit differently than the clothes had when he was younger, hanging off his arms and shoulders differently and seeming to be tighter. He looked away from the mirror, shaking his head. He looked fine - it was just a photoshoot, anyway. He'd done hundreds of those in his life, and this one wasn't even a big one.</p>
<p>"Hmm." Julian looked him up in down when Roman stepped out, then hurried to his side and messed with the clothes like he always did.</p>
<p>"They're great, Father." Roman laughed softly as he tugged the jacket sleeve gently down, closer to Roman's wrist.</p>
<p>"Of course, of course." Julain laughed, patting Roman on the shoulder before moving to fix his hair. "And you pull it off wonderfully! We've been wanting more diverse model sizes for ages now, this is good."</p>
<p>"What?" Roman stepped back, brow furrowed.</p>
<p>"Oh, you know." Julian waved a hand. "You were always so skinny growing up! Apparently having only tiny models is in bad taste, it's nothing bad of course."</p>
<p>"I mean, I guess..." Roman frowned. "But I'm still not... like, anything to be happy about with diversity. And I'm sure I'll be recognized."</p>
<p>"Baby steps, baby steps!" Julian laughed, ushering Roman onward while fixing his hair again. Roman swatted his hands away and his father sighed. "I'm sorry Roman, I didn't intend any offense."</p>
<p>"It's fine." Roman rolled his eyes. "Let's just get this over with, yeah?"</p>
<p>"Certainly." Julian hurried off as Roman joined the few other models - all of whom he knew from a few years back - and started talking with the photographer.</p>
<p>"Long time no see." one of them laughed, elbowing him. Roman grinned.</p>
<p>"Just doing the old man a favor, don't get used to it." He warned jokingly.</p>
<p>"I didn't think I would." they did the same that Julian had, eyes skating up and down Roman's body, and Roman felt uncomfortable. What was that supposed to mean? Nothing, surely. Probably just jealous because Roman was Julain's son, that's all.</p>
<p>Roman still couldn't help but glance down at himself unhappily, wondering if they were all correct.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I think I should tell them," Roman said into the phone, waiting for Virgil's response. It was delayed, and he could hear Virgil take in a soft breath, hesitant.</p>
<p>"That... you're gay." he clarified.</p>
<p>"Yeah." Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Like, I dunno. Maybe if I do, they won't be as... casually homophobic? At least around me? I didn't care until this weekend... but it's starting to get on my nerves."</p>
<p>"Will you be safe?" Virgil asked, concerned. "I mean, do you have any idea how they could react to it? What if they hurt you, or something?"</p>
<p>"I don't think they will," Roman mumbled. "I mean, neither of them likes to get their hands dirty in any way. Same thing with their reputations. Worst that could happen is they tell me not to come back - which is fine with me."</p>
<p>"I mean, I'm all for you being open with them," Virgil said. "I just want you to be safe. I love you."</p>
<p>"I love you too." Roman chuckled. "I think I'll tell them before I leave tomorrow, y'know? Tell them, and if they wanna talk I'll stay and talk and if they want me gone, I was leaving anyway."</p>
<p>"Right." Virgil hummed, Roman was sure he was anxious now. "Are you sure?"</p>
<p>"I don't know." Roman sighed. "We'll see, I suppose. I'm surer than I was a week ago, at least."</p>
<p>"Well, you do what you need to do." Virgil laughed softly. "You're my favorite human."</p>
<p>"You're my favorite cryptid," Roman replied, as usual, drawing a bark of laughter from the other side. "Gnite, hot topic."</p>
<p>"Goodnight, don't let your dreams consume you."</p>
<p>"Thanks." Roman rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"No problem." Virgil chuckled. "Love you."</p>
<p>"Love you too." Roman sighed softly, exhausted as Virgil hung up. He hadn't recalled it being so hard to interact with his parents - especially with them being the way they are. How the heck did he do it in high school or the rest of his life?</p>
<p>Well, he'd talk to them tomorrow. That is if he wasn't a coward. Whatever happened, he'd see Virgil again in less than twenty-four hours, which was enough to calm his mind into sleep.</p>
<p>The next day did not go as planned.</p>
<p>"Roman we wanted to talk to you." mother said as he prepared to leave. Roman swallowed nervously.</p>
<p>"Oh, I wanted to talk to you as well!" he forced a smile onto his face. "What's up?"</p>
<p>"We're just worried that you aren't taking as much care of yourself as you should," Julian said slowly, resting his hands on Roman's shoulders. Roman frowned.</p>
<p>"I mean, I'm a college student, but I'm alright." he protested. "I'm not sick or anything, what...?"</p>
<p>"We don't want to hurt your feelings," Mother said slowly. "But I think you really should start watching what you eat, just a bit more."</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>"You look handsome," Julian added. "But you always looked better when you were thinner. Just a little. We want you to have the best life you can, Roman, and taking care of your body is part of that."</p>
<p>"Okay..." Roman tried to shake off the confusion and hurt swelling inside him. "Um, I don't think I'm that worried about looking good right now, I-"</p>
<p>"Oh, my poor baby!" Mother suddenly wrapped him in a hug. Roman scowled.</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"You'd be so much more confident," she sniffled. "And you'd be so much more willing to put yourself out there if you liked the way you looked! I'm sorry this happened."</p>
<p>"Wh- what are you talking about?"</p>
<p>"We just want you to be confident with yourself again." Julian shook his head. "Since you've gone to college, you haven't been."</p>
<p>"Wh- I'm plenty confident!" Roman protested. "Where is all this coming from?"</p>
<p>"Alright, alright," Mother stepped away, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry, Roman. We didn't mean to offend you, sweetheart."</p>
<p>"I was just sure you, of all people," Father sighed softly. "Would have some kind of relationship by now, Roman. It worries me. So unless you lied to us, or you're some kind of... what do they call it? Homo, I guess? I'm worried for you."</p>
<p>"R-right..." Roman's heart sank at the way his father spoke. As if Roman being gay was ridiculous, or disgusting. "Okay, I really appreciate you guys. I'll think about it, but... I should get going."</p>
<p>"Right, of course." Mother kissed his cheek and smiled sadly at him. "Take care of yourself, Roman."</p>
<p>"I will." Roman forced a smile, hugging her before shaking his father's hand. "I'll text you guys when I get there."</p>
<p>"Drive safe," Father said as a goodbye. Roman nodded, stepping out and closing their door behind him. He hurried to his car, tears welling up in his eyes. He didn't tell them, and now he wasn't sure if he ever would.</p>
<p>Awesome.</p>
<p>Roman turned on his Disney playlist at a high volume as he started the long drive back to his apartment, hoping it would drown out those thoughts.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman knew he shouldn't have checked. He couldn't help it! Those thoughts in the back of his head were like the ones years ago in high school - he really needed to know what people thought.</p>
<p>What they thought of the pictures. Or, more specifically, what they thought of Roman's appearance in the pictures. It was stupid, he knew that. So incredibly stupid. But he checked, and now he was staring into his mirror and scrutinizing his appearance.</p>
<p>He wasn't the same. God, he looked awful. Roman bit his lip, tearing his gaze away and pulling on a sweatshirt.</p>
<p>It was fine. He was fine. He could fix this. He could fix everything. His parents had raised him to watch his weight, after all. He knew all the tricks, he could fix this. It would be hard to get back into it, but he could do it. He had to do it.</p>
<p>Eating less would be easy, he could just split his food budget and put half into savings. He could work out in the mornings instead of breakfast. It would be easy.</p>
<p>He nodded to himself, running a hand through his hair. It would be easy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah So. Who hates Julian? *raises hand* and his wife tbh did I even give her a name? idk she doesn't deserve a name cuz they're both just manipulative assholes who want to force Roman into a mold and he doesn't deserve that.</p>
<p>ANYWAYS! Part Two of this should be out.... sometime???? Hopefully within the week.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for reading, feel free to leave a request on the Chapter Titled *About Requests* and I'll do my best to fulfill your angsty desires! (that sounded weird in my head and it's weird on the screen but idc)</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. They Said: Part Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted November 1, 2019</p>
<p>WARNINGS: eating disorder, self-deprecation, self-hatred, hating one's body, mentions of a toxic parent relationship, slight erasure of toxic parent relationship, food mentions, lying, secrets, accidentally coming out, hospitals, near-death experience, starvation, swearing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Roman?" Virgil forced himself to speak and pulled off his headphones, looking up from where he lay with his head on Roman's lap. Roman hummed, pulling out his earbuds.</p>
<p>"What is it, my dark and stormy knight?"</p>
<p>Virgil flushed at the nickname, as usual, but refused to let Roman distract him.</p>
<p>"I'm... worried about you." Virgil said softly, letting Roman intertwine their fingers. Roman raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"What for?" he laughed, bending down to give him a kiss. "Everythings fine, love. Anything specific on your mind?"</p>
<p>"You've just been acting weird." Virgil sat up, leaning instead on Roman's shoulder. "I dunno, I just... wanted to make sure everything was...okay?"</p>
<p>"I'm perfectly alright," Roman promised, pressing a kiss to his temple. Virgil smiled, letting himself be pulled into a bear hug. "Just switching up routines, that's all. Trying out Logan's scheduling technique."</p>
<p>"Really?" Virgil laughed, and he had to admit he was surprised. Roman had always hated schedules, he'd gone on and on about the ones his parents would force on him. "Who are you and what did you do to my boyfriend?"</p>
<p>"Oh, very funny." Roman chuckled. "He keeps talking about how schedules help him be productive, I thought I'd give it a chance for the rest of the semester. Has it been that obvious?"</p>
<p>"A little." Virgil laughed. "That why you're later to English, now?" Roman nodded.</p>
<p>"Going to the gym in the mornings. I'm still early, though." he smiled. "I'd never keep you waiting, love."</p>
<p>"You better not." Virgil laughed. "I'm an anxious mess and you know it."</p>
<p>"Hm, but you're my anxious mess." Roman kissed him again, pulling him backward onto the bed. Virgil yelped, laughing when Roman dug his fingers into his sides.</p>
<p>"Hey!"</p>
<p>"Just helping you relax a little." Roman snickered. "Sorry, I'll give you a warning next time."</p>
<p>"I forgive you," Virgil promised, rolling over to rest on top of him, hands propping up under his chin on Roman's chest. "Hmm, you're not as comfy anymore. I dunno if I want you to go to the gym."</p>
<p>"Oh yeah?" Roman laughed. "It's been like two weeks, Virgil. Hardly anything has changed." Virgil shrugged. "You'll change your mind when I'm strong enough to pick you up and carry you around."</p>
<p>"Why is that?" Virgil flushed, shaking his head. Roman was truly something else.</p>
<p>"Because you're lazy." Roman booped his nose, sitting up and dislodging Virgil's position. Virgil rolled to the side, sprawling out on Roman's bed.</p>
<p>"That's true." he agreed. "You'll carry me on one of those golden couch things, right? Way more comfortable than being flung over your shoulder."</p>
<p>"Anything for you." Roman laughed, and Virgil smiled over at him. His anxiousness about Roman was lessened, now. He was just switching things up, not acting weird. Just different. Virgil had been worried for nothing.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman squinted at the mirror, baffled. He looked the same. He looked exactly the same. He'd been eating less and working out more for almost a month, and he looked exactly the same. What the heck? The wasn't fair! What the hell was he supposed to do, if this wasn't working?</p>
<p>Roman glared at the reflection. At his round face, his chubby stomach and thighs, his lack of any real muscle.</p>
<p>What the hell was going on?</p>
<p>"Just... just try harder," Roman whispered, draping a blanket over the mirror so he didn't have to look at himself. "I can try harder. I can do better."</p>
<p>He grabbed his notebook, collapsing onto his bed as he crossed out his current weight - which had originally been the goal. No, he hadn't changed so he had to go lower. Roman scribbled out ideas, ways he could eat healthier, and eventually settled on skipping dinner as well as breakfast. He could go on walks in the evening... say, maybe Virgil would want to go on walks with him. That would be fun.</p>
<p>Roman set the notebook aside, draping an arm over his eyes. He was exhausted. He'd been working so hard for nothing, and he was exhausted. Good thing he'd already planned not to eat dinner because he was about to sleep right through it.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I'm worried about Roman," Virgil said, looking up and searching his friends' faces. "He's... he's not..."</p>
<p>"He's ill, or something." Dee agreed. A rush of relief flooded through Virgil and he nodded.</p>
<p>"We've noticed." Patton said softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Have you talked to him about it?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Virgil wiped the moistness from his eyes, taking a shuddering breath. "I... I keep trying to ask him what's wrong, and he always says he's fine. But he's not! He's... he's just so skinny, and he's always tired, but he refuses to tell me what's going on!"</p>
<p>"Y'don't think..." Dee's voice trailed away and he shook his head. "Nah."</p>
<p>"What?" Virgil demanded, looking at him harshly. Dee sighed.</p>
<p>"...y'don't think he's... doing it on purpose?"</p>
<p>Virgil's eyes widened and he froze. Mind racing.</p>
<p>Going to the gym more.</p>
<p>Eating less take-out, apparently.</p>
<p>Spending more time alone, and being exhausted whenever Virgil was with him.</p>
<p>Insisting he was fine.</p>
<p>Responding to compliments with negativity.</p>
<p>"Holy shit." Virgil pressed a hand to his forehead, heart pounding. "Oh my god, you're right."</p>
<p>"What?" Patton looked alarmed. "Wh-why would Roman do it on purpose? He's... he's Roman for crying out loud! He's never... he was like a twig when we met him!"</p>
<p>"I can't believe I let this happen." Virgil tangled his hands in his hair. Patton was right. They were both right. Roman had been skinny before, but that had quickly gone away to be replaced with a normal body weight. Now, though, he looked the same he had when Virgil met him. There was no way. No, there had to be something else. Why on earth would Roman do that to himself?</p>
<p>"It was just a... theory." Dee said, rubbing his arm. "Maybe that's not it. Maybe there's something else. We could... could we ask him?"</p>
<p>"I've tried." Virgil tugged on his hoodie strings, biting his lip. "He always just... says that nothing is wrong. Or that he's focusing on school. Or makes some excuse... what am I supposed to do?"</p>
<p>The question was met with silence. Neither of them had an answer.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman, I really need to talk to you." Roman rubbed his eyes, turning to smile at his boyfriend. Virgil was looking at him with that expression again, he was worried about something.</p>
<p>"What's bothering you, my love?" he wrapped their fingers together, pecking Virgil's cheek.</p>
<p>"I'm really worried about you," Virgil said softly. Roman frowned. "Y-you aren't eating enough, Roman. You keep saying that nothing is wrong but I know that's not true."</p>
<p>"Of course I'm eating enough," Roman promised. The lie tasted bitter in his mouth. He hadn't eaten in almost two days - he'd have to get something in him soon but he was not looking forward to it. He hated it - eating made him feel disgusting. "I'm sorry, love, I really am alright." he pressed his lips to Virgil's temple.</p>
<p>"Roman, please!" Virgil pulled away, turning to face him fully. Roman frowned.</p>
<p>"Please what?" he asked irritably, running a hand through his hair. "What do you want, Virgil? I'm trying my best, I really am." he just wanted to be good enough, couldn't Virgil see that?</p>
<p>"I just want you to tell me what's going on," Virgil said, head dropping down as he leaned forward to rest on Roman's chest. Roman hugged him gently, taking a deep breath.</p>
<p>"I'm fine, Vee," he promised again.</p>
<p>"Can you come get lunch with me?" Virgil asked softly. Roman hesitated, immediately wanting to refuse. But he did need to eat something. And if he went with Virgil, maybe Virgil would believe Roman really was okay.</p>
<p>"Of course I will." he gave his boyfriend a strained smile, taking his hand again. "Where to, my love?"</p>
<p>"Just the campus cafe." Virgil pulled him towards it, and Roman let him. Dread curled in Roman's stomach as he thought of their destination. Most of their food was thick, or greasy. So many calories...</p>
<p>He let Virgil order him a sandwich, settling down in their usual corner booth to talk about Disney. Roman could hardly focus on the conversation, picking idly at the food in front of him. Every bite he managed to eat made him feel worse.</p>
<p>"...Roman..." Virgil said softly after a while of sitting in silence. Roman glanced at him, smiling. "Please eat."</p>
<p>"I am eating." Roman took another bite, forcing himself to chew and swallow it. "See?" Virgil looked doubtful, but nodded and ran a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>The next hour or so was torture. Roman didn't understand it - he just felt so awful and Virgil was acting so weird. He obviously thought something was wrong, and Roman didn't know what to say.</p>
<p>He stared at his reflection after getting home, tears in his eyes as he saw that none of his efforts had been paying off at all. He was the same. He was exactly the same. It was so... infuriating. Why wasn't any of this working? Why was he so useless? Why did Virgil even care about him? He shouldn't. Roman didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of this.</p>
<p>Roman's stomach twisted painfully and he grimaced, throat aching. He'd worried about Virgil finding out about him throwing up after lunch, but he hadn't said anything. So that secret, at least, was safe.</p>
<p>God, he was so freaking tired. Of all of this. He was tired of everything. Roman flopped down into his bed, eyes slipping shut. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman grimaced, forcing his eyes open. Ugh, he felt so... dead. Turning his head was nearly impossible, and he stared in confusion at the time on his alarm clock. No way, Nah. He couldn't have been lying here for... twelve hours. He had a test. He had to meet with their study group. He... he had to get the fuck out of bed.</p>
<p>Roman rolled over, and as soon as he got to his feet he blacked out, waking up sprawled on the floor. His stomach twisted, burning bile rose in his throat. Weird - he hadn't eaten anything recently, what the hell could he be throwing up? That didn't make sense.</p>
<p>Oh man... Roman closed his eyes in defeat.</p>
<p>He wasn't going to be moving anytime soon.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Roman?" Virgil knocked on the door, heart pounding. "Roman, please open the door. I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... please at least talk to me or something!"</p>
<p>He was freaking out. Roman had left to the bathroom after lunch, and Virgil was positive he'd thrown up the small amount of food he'd eaten. He hadn't responded to any texts or calls since then, and it had almost been a full day since anyone saw him.</p>
<p>Oh, Roman was going to hate him for this.</p>
<p>Virgil pulled the spare keycard from his pocket, guilt filling him. He'd taken it from Roman's backpack at lunch, in a last-ditch panic at the skeleton that his boyfriend had become.</p>
<p>"...Roman?" he pushed the door open, heart falling in terror when he flicked on the light. Roman was facedown on the floor, curled up on himself slightly. He looked, somehow, worse than he had the day before. He wasn't wearing all the layers he usually did, dressed only in a t-shirt and sweatpants. "Holy shit..."</p>
<p>Virgil stood frozen for a few moments, heart pounding.</p>
<p>What the hell was he supposed to do? What on earth was he going to do? He should call an ambulance. He should call Logan and Patton and Dee. He should... oh god, Roman...</p>
<hr/>
<p>"He'll be alright." Virgil didn't respond, staring down at the floor next to Roman's hospital bed. Logan put a hand on his shoulder. "Virgil, you need rest."</p>
<p>"I'm fine." Virgil shrugged the hand away. "I'm... I'm sitting. I'm resting."</p>
<p>"Virgil-"</p>
<p>"I'M FINE!" Virgil snapped, whipping his head up to glare at him. Logan held up his hands in surrender, stepping back.</p>
<p>"...Vee," Patton sniffled slightly from where he sat. Virgil sighed, burying his head in his hands.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." he sighed. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm just stressed out and pissed off and exhausted." god, he was so exhausted. Roman could have died. He'd been dying and if he'd been left alone for another day... oh god.</p>
<p>Virgil's eyes burned with tears and he looked up at his sleeping boyfriends face. How did he let this happen? Why did he let this go so far? He knew Roman wasn't okay and he hadn't... he hadn't saved him. Hell, he'd encouraged him at the beginning when Roman was talking about going to the gym. But he didn't want this. He'd never want this.</p>
<p>The doctors were saying that Roman would need to go to a recovery center, for a while. A few months, possibly. Until he was no longer a danger to himself like that... and Virgil knew that would crush him. Roman had always tried so hard, and he was going to be missing months of school. Months of his life. God, Virgil never wanted to leave him alone again but if Roman went away... he'd have no choice.</p>
<p>And... what if Roman never got better? Virgil felt like screamed when he thought that. What if Roman was stuck, now, in a world where - for whatever reason - he wouldn't want to eat?</p>
<p>Someone cleared their throat softly, opening the door.</p>
<p>"Boys, this is Mr. and Mrs. Prince," the nurse smiled. "These three are your sons' friends, they were the ones to find him and bring him here."</p>
<p>"Oh, my poor baby!" Roman's mother gasped, walking to stand on the other side of the bed. His father walked up to Logan, who was the only one standing and shook his hand.</p>
<p>"Thank you," he said softly. "Roman would thank you, too, if he could."</p>
<p>"It was mostly Virgil," Logan said, nodding over to him.</p>
<p>Virgil stayed silent. He was surprised Roman's parents had shown up, to be fully honest. Roman had been vague as hell when Virgil asked how his coming out had gone, all he said was that he didn't plan on visiting them again anytime soon.</p>
<p>"Virgil." the man walked over, pulling Virgil up into a bear hug - which was a surprise. Roman had always said his father wasn't much of a hugger. "Thank you."</p>
<p>"No problem." Virgil pulled away as soon as it felt appropriate, sitting down once again. He was going to stay there until Roman woke up, no matter what.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Ugh, he was tired. Roman cracked one eye open, then closed it when the light assaulted his brain. Ow. God, why did he feel so... oh yeah. He vaguely recalled collapsing - but the lights hadn't been on then. He slowly forced his eyes open, blinking rapidly to adjust to the light.</p>
<p>"Roman?"</p>
<p>Roman's eyes widened and he turned his head, recognizing a hospital room vaguely as he met Virgil's worried stare.</p>
<p>"V-Vee...?" what the hell had happened? Virgil buried him instantly in a hug, Roman could feel his heart pounding.</p>
<p>"God, I was so freaking worried about you!" Virgil said accusingly. "Never scare me like that again!"</p>
<p>"Sorry..." Roman winced. He just wanted to be good enough, and he'd obviously failed dramatically.</p>
<p>"I forgive you but only because I love you," Virgil muttered, pressing a quick kiss to Roman's lips. Roman smiled, looking around the room again only to freeze when he saw his parents. They'd stayed silent but were watching Virgil with furrowed brows.</p>
<p>"U-um..." Roman sat up, head-spinning, and Virgil pushed him back down. "When... when did you guys get here?"</p>
<p>"Oh, just a few hours ago, sweetheart." mother's hands fluttered around her hair, and she smiled thinly. "We were so worried about you, you know."</p>
<p>"Right..." Roman swallowed nervously, following his father's gaze back to Virgil, who Roman vividly recalled lying to about coming out to his parents. Well done, Roman. You screwed up again. "Um... Vee?"</p>
<p>"What's up?" Virgil looked at him with that look in his eyes. So worried and frightened and... Roman felt awful.</p>
<p>"Y'know... how I said I uh..." he glanced at his parents and then back again, speaking softer even though he knew they would still hear it. "That I came out? So that was a lie." Virgil's eyes widened.</p>
<p>"WHAT?! FUCK! Roman, I am so-"</p>
<p>"It's not your fault," Roman muttered, glancing over at his parents, who had all yet to react to what he'd said. "Uh..."</p>
<p>"Roman," Julian spoke softly, slowly turning to meet Roman's eyes. Roman braced himself, knowing full well what was coming. "You are my son, I have always tried to push you, and help you be successful in life. I want you to have a good life."</p>
<p>"Father-"</p>
<p>"You can't have a good life without being happy." Julian interrupted, shaking his head. "And if this... if Virgil makes you happy, well, it'd be pretty stupid of me to have a problem with it."</p>
<p>"What?" Roman stared at him. That... was not how that was supposed to go. That was not how that was supposed to happen. Julian was supposed to be pissed. He was supposed to hate Roman for this.</p>
<p>"I have a lot of rude statements to make up for," Julian said slowly. "But we do have other things to focus on, right now."</p>
<p>Oh. Right. Roman was in the hospital.</p>
<p>"I'll go get-" Virgil stood up, but mother beat him to it, shaking her head.</p>
<p>"Oh no, you can stay with Roman," she said, teary-eyed. "I'll let them know you're awake, sweetheart."</p>
<p>"R-right." Roman swallowed again, turning his head back to Virgil. "Sorry I lied about it, um..."</p>
<p>"If you apologize again I'll drop-kick you off a cliff," Virgil muttered, wrapping their fingers together.</p>
<p>"How tall is the cliff?" Roman asked, thoughtful.</p>
<p>"Shut up," Virgil grumbled, kissing the back of Roman's hand. "Dumbass."</p>
<p>"Love you too."</p>
<p>Man, this had been the weirdest day.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"No." Roman shook his head. "No. No way. I can't."</p>
<p>"Ro..."</p>
<p>"I can't!" Roman insisted. "I have school, I have scholarships! I can't... I can deal with this. I'll be fine, I'll just try harder... I'll just... I'll do better, I swear!" He was not going to go to a recovery center. No way on earth.</p>
<p>"Roman, you could have died," Virgil said softly, gripping his hand. "Actually dead. Gone. Forever."</p>
<p>"But I didn't." Roman pointed out. "I-I'm fine. Really. I'm just... I'm just trying... I'm just trying to take better care of myself. I'm just trying to be good enough!"</p>
<p>"Good enough for what?" Julian asked incredulously. "The role of a skeleton at the haunted mansion?" Roman winced, anxiety rising at the critical tone. "You look horrible, Roman. Please let us-"</p>
<p>"N-no." Roman's eyes filled with tears. "I-I can't... you're wrong. I look fine. I'm fine. I just... I'm just trying to lose a few pounds... that's all. Like you said, I-I was..."</p>
<p>"Roman," Virgil gently turned Roman's head, meeting his eyes. "You are good enough. You've always been good enough. You don't have to prove that to anyone. I love you for who you are, not for what you look like."</p>
<p>"Wh- but..." Roman shook his head. That didn't make sense. "I-I looked so different when you met me... I was... I looked nice, and I was skinny, and..."</p>
<p>"And I don't care," Virgil promised softly. "I don't care how much you weigh, Roman. I just want you to be healthy, I hate seeing you like this because it makes me sad because you're hurting."</p>
<p>"You let it get out of control." mother said softly. "We never wanted... we never wanted you to be hurt, Roman. We just thought-"</p>
<p>"...what?" Virgil spun around, looking at the two of them. "You told him to lose weight?!" Roman winced.</p>
<p>"Vee-"</p>
<p>"No, that's not okay!" Virgil slashed a hand through the air. "You said yesterday that you wanted Roman to be happy! Why the hell would you tell him to lose weight? He's never been overweight! And even if he was, that doesn't freaking matter!"</p>
<p>"Roman is an actor!" Julian pointed out. "He needs to look the best he can, I just want to push him to be the best he can be."</p>
<p>"Fuck you." Virgil turned away from them, meeting Roman's eyes. "Roman, please. You have to go. I can't... I'll never think less of you and I promise I'll visit whenever I can."</p>
<p>Roman didn't know what to do. He wanted to be good enough, but he had no idea what that meant, now. But either way... both Virgil and his parents wanted him to go. If one of them was right, it didn't matter because they both wanted him to go. He closed his eyes, tears rolling down his face.</p>
<p>"Alright. I'll go."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SO Yeah. Just to clarify - Roman's parents are STILL really toxic and unhealthy for him but they ARE starting to realize that but like... they're also pieces of shit? It's complicated but I figured I might as well give Roman something and that something ended up being a fairly good reaction to him being gay. </p>
<p>This is all I'm going to write of this, right now. but if you wanted a part three, I could try? I just don't know very much about the recovery center places (I think that's what they're called) and I don't want to get anything super wrong also this is supposed to be a one-shot book but I keep making two-parters lol.</p>
<p>Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a request on the first chapter and I'll do my best to write it! If you leave more than one, I might not do all of them.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Worth It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted November 6, 2019</p>
<p>WARNINGS: Toxic positivity, toxic purity, self-deprecation, isolation, self-hatred, manipulation, Unsympathetic Patton, unsympathetic Virgil-ish, Sympathetic Deceit, Sympathetic Remus</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"You're not like your brother, are you? Oh, good! I'd hate to have to send the both of you away."</em>
</p>
<p>Roman was good. Remus was bad. That's how it was.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Wow, Roman, that idea was pretty dark. I thought you said you weren't like that. Why don't we scrap that one and try again? Thanks, kiddo!"</em>
</p>
<p>Patton knew what was good. Patton also knew what was bad. That was his job.</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm very disappointed in you, Roman. You know that was a bad thing to think about, and people who do bad things get punished."</em>
</p>
<p>Roman's job was to be good. Roman's job was to give Thomas ideas that Patton liked. That's all there was to it.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Gosh, princey, here I was thinking you were supposed to be nicer than your brother. Huh, must have heard wrong. You're just like him."</em>
</p>
<p>Virgil knew Remus. He knew when Roman was being like Remus. He told Patton when Roman did something like Remus.</p>
<p>
  <em>"You better step it up soon, or Patton will probably just send you to stay with them."</em>
</p>
<p>Being sent to stay with the dark sides was bad. It was worse than anything Patton had ever done to him. That's what he said, at least. And Patton was good. He didn't lie. So Roman did not want to be sent to live with the dark sides.</p>
<p>
  <em>"I miss when we were friends, brother dear. Why do you let those wimps tell you what to do?"</em>
</p>
<p>Remus was bad. Don't listen to Remus. Don't talk to Remus. Don't be like Remus. Don't even think about Remus.</p>
<p>
  <em>"It's a lost cause, Rem. They think they're so much better than us - Roman is too stubbornly stupid to realize when he's being lied to. You'll both be safer if you stop trying to talk to him."</em>
</p>
<p>Deceit was bad. Patton didn't like Deceit. Roman ignored Deceit, and he ignored Remus. And he was good. He only made good ideas. He only thought about nice things.</p>
<p>
  <em>"I know you can try harder, Roman. You're never going to be good enough if you don't try harder."</em>
</p>
<p>Roman held back tears, breathing deeply as he tangled his hands in his hair. He had to... he had to try harder. He had to be perfect. If it wasn't perfect, it was worthless. No in-between, no gray area, he had to be perfect. Everything he did had to be perfect.</p>
<p>"Just... try harder." Roman combed his hair back and stood taller, taking another deep breath. "I'm imaginary. I don't need... I don't need rest, I just need to be perfect." saying it aloud almost made him believe it more. He was exhausted. But he had to get a perfect idea by that morning or he'd be a failure. A complete and utter failure.</p>
<p>And Roman could not let that happen.</p>
<p>He kept working, feeling the energy drain out of him with every movement. Sharp edges, absolutes. Anything gray had to go. Everything that wasn't perfect had to go.</p>
<p>He wasn't perfect.</p>
<p>Roman shook the thought away, focusing more intently on perfecting every detail of his most recent idea.</p>
<p>He could be. He had to be. He had to be perfect for them.</p>
<p>Because if he wasn't perfect, he was worthless.</p>
<p>And that's just how it was.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Remus could feel it. He could feel the negative energy that emanated from his brother - and they weren't even near each other. He could feel the pressure building and building until Roman was undoubtedly going to break. He'd tried, several times, to get Roman to realize what was going on. But Roman never believed him. Patton and Virgil would try and hurt Remus, too, and he eventually listened to Deceit when he said it'd be safer if he stopped trying to help his brother.</p>
<p>But now... Remus grimaced as something painful twisted in his chest. Roman was cracking. He was hurt. He was so incredibly hurt, and Remus had no idea what to do. What could he do? He had to take care of himself, first. Hah, that was probably a thought he gained by hanging around Deceit too much.</p>
<p>"Remus."</p>
<p>"Dee?" Remus held back a hiss of pain as he felt a shadow of Roman's despair. "What's up?"</p>
<p>"Oh, it's even hurting you." Deceit's gasped. "Remus, this has gone too far. Roman is destroying himself, I... he'll hurt Thomas. I know you wanted to do something sooner, but we couldn't I thought... I told myself he'd be fine."</p>
<p>"Ah, Dee, I know." Remus stood up, wincing in pain. "This has been a long time coming, you know. Surprised he didn't fall apart sooner."</p>
<p>"Well, we have to do something." Deceit wrung his hands and sighed, closing his eyes. "Take us to him."</p>
<p>"Sure thing!" Remus sunk them both out, and they appeared in Roman's room. Remus shrieked as the air tried to rip him apart, and his brother whirled around.</p>
<p>"Fuck." Deceit hissed, grabbing Remus's arm to keep him upright and together - somewhat. "We're late. We're much too late."</p>
<p>"What's this!?" Roman - or... whatever this person was - gasped gleefully, shaking his head. His eyes shone gold, and his skin was completely white. Like a porcelain doll. "Oh no no no, these aren't perfect!"</p>
<p>"Roman, what happened?" Remus wrapped an arm around his chest, trying to keep himself from dissolving. "Wh-what are you..."</p>
<p>"Only perfect things are allowed to exist here, I'm afraid!" Roman's voice was loud and echoing, and he reached out a pale, frigid hand to grab Remus's chin. "So here's the thing, do you want to be perfect? Or do you want me to make you disappear?"</p>
<p>"Nothing is perfect." Deceit hissed.</p>
<p>"Nothing!?" Roman laughed, a loud high-pitched echoing laugh. "Oh, dear Deceit, you're wrong! Things are only ever Perfect, or they're worthless. There is no in-between."</p>
<p>"We have to go." Deceit pulled Remus away from Roman, who watched them in cold amusement.</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"Now, Remus!"</p>
<p>Remus sunk them out, miserably piecing himself back together as he did so.</p>
<p>They collapsed onto the couch in the darkscape, Deceit wheezing as he tried to regain his breath.</p>
<p>"We cannot return to Roman's room." he choked out. "It's... toxic. Ripping itself apart and Thomas's mind with it."</p>
<p>"Well, what can we do!?" Remus shrieked. "It's hurting him and I'm the only person allowed to hurt him, Deceit! What did they do to him? I'll rip them apart! I'll pull out their eyes and make them watch as I fill their eyesockets with-"</p>
<p>"Remus!" Deceit slapped a hand over Remus's mouth, eyes narrowed. "We go to Thomas."</p>
<p>Thomas? As if Thomas would listen to them.</p>
<p>"He's being hurt as well, obviously. He'll never get anything done if everything has to be perfect. He'll rip himself apart and everything will... we have to go to Thomas."</p>
<p>"Alright." Remus pushed Deceit's hand away. "Fine."</p>
<p>Once again, they sunk out. This time, appearing in Thomas's living room as he watched Steven Universe.</p>
<p>"AGH!" Thomas jumped then Deceit turned off the show. "Wh- Deceit? Remus? What on earth...?"</p>
<p>"Listen up!" Remus snapped. "There's something wrong with Roman, and he's... you have to... you have to do something!"</p>
<p>"Roman?" Thomas frowned, standing up. "Do... should I summon him?" Remus frowned, glancing at Deceit.</p>
<p>"He will have the same powers he did once summoned." Deceit mumbled, lying. "Very dangerous."</p>
<p>"Yes, summon him!" Remus declared.</p>
<p>"Oka-"</p>
<p>"Whoa now," Patton popped up, a cheerful smile on his face. "Thomas, what's going on up here? Do you really believe Deceit and Remus about this? I mean, Deceit is Deceit and Remus doesn't like Roman! Why pull the kiddo away from his work over that?"</p>
<p>"Shut up!" Remus screamed, summoning his morning star. "You hurt him, you monster! I'll destroy you!"</p>
<p>"Remus!" Deceit snapped.</p>
<p>"What the heck is going on right now?!" Thomas asked, looking between the three of them. "Patton, what could summoning Roman possibly do other than prove that they're lying?" Remus scowled, glaring around at all of them.</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"Just... it'll only take a second." Thomas waved a hand, and Remus stumbled to the side when Roman appeared, in his pale, dazzling glory.</p>
<p>"Thomas!" Roman beamed, clapping his hands. "Perfect! Timing! I've been meaning to tell you that I've almost completely fixed all of our problems in life! As soon as I consult with Logan of the plan, we should be able to get rid of your many many many imperfections and leave you as the most perfect and wonderful person on the entire earth! Who's with me!" He frowned, seeming to realize that Remus and Deceit were there.</p>
<p>"Roman-"</p>
<p>"Oh, good, you two are here." Roman grinned, grabbing Remus's jaw. His touch burned and Remus shrieked. "The first thing to go is the bad, and that's you. Say goodbye, Remus, Thomas doesn't need you." Remus's eyes widened and he felt himself falling apart, much like he had in Roman's room.</p>
<p>"No!" Deceit snarled, pulling Remus away from him. Roman frowned.</p>
<p>"You're next, Darling. Don't get so jealous!"</p>
<p>"Roman, what happened to you?" Thomas asked in horror. "What..."</p>
<p>"I've become perfect!" Roman declared. "That's what I've been trying to do for my entire life, you know."</p>
<p>"See? He's fine!" Patton put his hands on his hips. "I told you."</p>
<p>"Not so fast, Patton dearest." Roman waved a finger. "I'm not fine, I'm much much better than fine! I'm perfect, and anything less than that would make me worthless. Watch your words, padre or things might not work out so well for you."</p>
<p>"What is going on!" Virgil snarled, rising up and finding Deceit and Remus in his spot. Remus avoided his angry gaze. "Wh- Roman!?"</p>
<p>"Ah, there you are!" Roman squealed happily. "We've got all the flaws in one place now, Thomas! Say farewell, for today, is the day when you all-"</p>
<p>"Roman, stop!" Thomas yelled. Roman fell silent, turning his golden gaze on their host. "You aren't getting rid of anyone. Not Virgil, not Remus, and not Deceit."</p>
<p>"...yes, I am," Roman said firmly. "We have to be perfect, Thomas! Don't you want to be perfect!"</p>
<p>"Of course I do." Thomas hesitated, glancing around at them all. "But you can't... get rid of any of the sides. Don't you remember when-"</p>
<p>"Oh yes, when Virgil ducked out." Roman scoffed dismissively. "That won't happen again, Thomas!"</p>
<p>"Falsehood." Remus shuddered in relief when Logan rose up, brow furrowed. "Roman, what is the meaning of this? Must we talk again about the importance of balance?"</p>
<p>"Life is not a see-saw, Logan!" Roman cried. "Life is a ladder, and to get to the top we have to get rid of some baggage!"</p>
<p>"I'm really freaking out, what's happening?" Thomas demanded, looking around at them all. "Roman, what has gotten into you? I know you like things to work out, but-"</p>
<p>"It's not about me!" Roman shrieked, silencing him. "It's never about me, Thomas! It's about you - and you have to be perfect! Perfect or worthless, Thomas, choose!"</p>
<p>"Those are not the only options," Logan said. "In fact, those are hardly even options."</p>
<p>"Logan, of course, we can be perfect!" Patton whined. Logan frowned.</p>
<p>"There is no such thing as perfect."</p>
<p>"Yes, there is!" Roman and Patton spoke in unison, and Remus glared furiously at Patton. He'd done this. He'd ripped Roman apart like this and he had no idea he'd done something wrong.</p>
<p>"Fine." Logan narrowed his eyes. "Roman, what was it you said about two options?"</p>
<p>"Everything is either perfect or it's worthless, of course," Roman said cheerfully. "Objectively, even. I thought you'd like that, as you are closest to being perfect."</p>
<p>"I see." Logan adjusted his glasses. "Well, Roman, let me ask you one more thing."</p>
<p>"Of course!"</p>
<p>"Is Joan perfect?"</p>
<p>"J-Joan?" Roman's voice wavered. "Wh- what do they have to do with this?"</p>
<p>"Joan is part of everything," Logan said with a shrug. "Are they perfect objectively?"</p>
<p>"Yes!" Patton threw his hands in the air. "Joan is perfect!"</p>
<p>"Roman." Logan ignored the moral side, and Roman sighed.</p>
<p>"Alright, sure, you got me. Joan, however much you may care for them, is not perfect. Though, Logan, if you'd looked at my perfection plan you would find that separating ourselves from all friends and family members was one of the steps to becoming-"</p>
<p>"WHAT?" Thomas yelled as both Virgil and Patton let out gasps of disbelief.</p>
<p>"Ah yes, that's a great plan, Roman." Deceit hissed, rolling his eyes. "Not detrimental at all."</p>
<p>"Roman, I'm surprised at you!" Patton scolded. "That would be mean of Thomas!"</p>
<p>"We have to be perfect!" Roman snapped. "We can only associate with good things. With perfect things. So, until Joan is perfect, we cannot be their friend!"</p>
<p>"....no." Thomas shook his head, blinking back tears. "Roman, I don't care if they're flawed or not. I love Joan for being who they are, and refusing to talk to them because they have flaws when I'm not perfect either is-"</p>
<p>"You will be perfect!"</p>
<p>"Perfect does not exist," Logan said. "There are no absolutes like that, Roman."</p>
<p>"Wh- I don't know about that..." Patton bounced anxiously. "I mean, some things are-"</p>
<p>"No." Logan shook his head. "Everything is relative. Where did you get the idea that we have to be perfect, Roman?"</p>
<p>"Patton is always right!" Roman yelled. "And he said we must be perfect! We must have only the good, and it's up to me to make sure of it!"</p>
<p>"Patton." Remus hissed, gripping his morning star tightly. "I'm going to kill you."</p>
<p>"Roman, kiddo, this isn't anything that I'd want!" Patton said with a scowl. "You... I know you can get stressed out sometimes but there's no reason to blow up like this!"</p>
<p>"I did this for you." Roman turned, voice cracking as he pointed an accusatory finger at Patton. "You told me everything I've said. We can only be good. I can only be good. Being... even talking to people that are less than perfect will corrupt me. That's why you split us! That's why we even have dark sides! I did all of this for you, you know that? And now, I'm still not good enough!"</p>
<p>"Roman-"</p>
<p>"NO!" Roman shrieked, slashing a hand through the air as Thomas tried to speak. Thomas's voice died in his throat, and he just stared with wide eyes as Roman sunk out, leaving a shocked silence in his wake.</p>
<p>After a few moments, Thomas was finally able to talk again.</p>
<p>"...Patton."</p>
<p>Remus scowled as he addressed the person who was responsible.</p>
<p>"Patton, we need to talk."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman fell to his knees, gripping his chest tightly as a stab of pain ripped through it.</p>
<p>He wasn't good enough. He'd never be good enough and he'd never be perfect and he didn't understand why.</p>
<p>Golden tears flooded down his face, and Roman made no move to wipe them away. He glared at the room around him, recently purified from anything not perfect. He hated it.</p>
<p>Roman screamed, letting out the mess of emotions and the pain from inside him and he screamed. He had no idea how long it was, but his vision blurred and blacked out and he felt himself hit the floor.</p>
<p>The floor was cold.</p>
<p>Roman didn't like it, it was so uncomfortable but he made no move to readjust.</p>
<p>It wasn't worth it.</p>
<p>He wasn't worth it.</p>
<p>He wasn't perfect... and so he was worthless.</p>
<p>Roman curled in on himself, despair taking over every thought and feeling he had.</p>
<p>Time passed.</p>
<p>Roman wasn't sure how much time passed. He lay there for a long time - at least it felt like that. Maybe it was only a few moments. Maybe it was a day. Maybe it was a week, and maybe it was years and years.</p>
<p>But then time stopped passing, and he was waking up.</p>
<p>Had he been asleep?</p>
<p>Did it matter?</p>
<p>Did anything matter?</p>
<p>No, nothing did matter. He was worthless. He shouldn't be waking up, he should just fade away because he'd failed. He'd failed and everything was wrong. Everything had failed.</p>
<p>"Roman."</p>
<p>Oh, when had someone else gotten here? Where... where was here?</p>
<p>Roman reluctantly pulled his eyes open, surprised to see the mismatched gaze of Deceit above his face. Oh. Deceit. Hadn't Roman been very upset at Deceit, recently? He'd wanted to do awful things, to Deceit and Remus and Virgil. That must be why he was with Deceit now - he was bad. He was a dark side, wasn't he?</p>
<p>"Oh, Roman." Deceit brushed the tears away, gently helping Roman sit up. Roman glanced around, finding the surroundings unfamiliar. Where was he? "How are you feeling?"</p>
<p>Roman narrowed his eyes. What? What the hell was Deceit talking about? Why would he even care how Roman was feeling - Roman had planned to kill him. He still wanted to, somewhere in his chest. The aching need to make Patton happy stirring inside him. He pushed Deceit away, hugging his legs to his chest.</p>
<p>"Roman."</p>
<p>"I..." Roman was shocked at how soft, dry, and painful his voice was. It hurt to talk, god, his throat felt like he'd gargled nails.</p>
<p>"Perhaps, wait a moment." Deceit stood, walking toward a shadowy kitchen. "You abused your vocal cords quite a bit."</p>
<p>Roman said nothing, he didn't even want to. What could he say? Why wasn't he just... dead? Gone? He was worthless.</p>
<p>"That's enough of that kind of thinking." Deceit said, pressing a cup of water into his hand. Roman stared at it, not moving to take a drink. "Roman, please."</p>
<p>Deceit wanted him to drink... and Roman knew that doing what Deceit wanted would make Patton very angry. Then again, Patton was always talking about taking care of himself. But did he care? Did it matter? Did Roman care what Patton thought anymore?</p>
<p>Yes, Roman did care.</p>
<p>"Roman, you need to drink it." Deceit pleaded. "We can't... we can't work with what happened if you don't drink the water. Just focus on right now, please."</p>
<p>Roman's throat ached. He was so incredibly dehydrated, and he was starting to get a headache.</p>
<p>But did he deserve it? He wasn't sure. Roman tried to hand Deceit the cup, but Deceit pulled his hands away and shook his head.</p>
<p>"Roman, if you never listen to me again that's fine but please just drink your water."</p>
<p>Roman put the cup to his lips, taking a tiny sip of the liquid. Oh, that was amazing. He guzzled it despite himself, relishing in the feeling of it in his throat and the way the headache slowly abated.</p>
<p>"Thank you." Deceit sighed, head falling forward. "God, Roman, you have no idea how worried we were."</p>
<p>"...hm." Roman couldn't think of anything to say. What was Deceit talking about? Who would be worried about him? That didn't make sense.</p>
<p>"You were ripping the mindscape apart." Deceit whispered, hugging himself. "Logan managed to keep you from hurting Thomas, and then it all stopped. The mindscape was back to normal. Thomas wasn't... wasn't panicking like he had been. And then we found you."</p>
<p>Roman wasn't sure what Deceit meant, but he figured it was bad. He was here in the darkscape, which meant he must now be a dark side. Deceit frowned, meeting Roman's eyes.</p>
<p>"Roman, no." he shook his head. Roman raised an eyebrow. "We aren't in the darkscape commons, Roman. This is... this is your room. Everything is the same except for this room. That's why we've been worried."</p>
<p>"We?" Roman finally croaked out, shaking his head. "Who?"</p>
<p>"All of us." Deceit sighed. "Thomas, Logan, Myself, Remus, Virgil... Patton."</p>
<p>Roman winced, thoughts drifting immediately to how disappointed Patton was in him. He'd become everything he wasn't supposed to be. He was worthless.</p>
<p>"Roman, we want to help you." Deceit lay a gentle hand on Roman's shoulder and Roman tensed. "Please-"</p>
<p>"No." Roman stood up, shaking with dizziness. Deceit grabbed him in alarm, but Roman shoved him away. This was his room. "Leave." he snapped his fingers and the door swung open, revealing the hallway of the mindscape. "Get out."</p>
<p>"Roman-"</p>
<p>"GET OUT!" Roman yelled, throat tearing at itself once again. He thrust a hand forward and Deceit flew to the doorway, eyes wide in horror.</p>
<p>"Roman, Please!"</p>
<p>"Leave me alone," Roman whispered, closing and locking the door. "I'm not worth it."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah, so I'm not sorry. I wanted to write a sad ending and goshdarnit I wrote a sad ending. I'm ready for the death threats. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.</p>
<p>Yeah, thanks for reading! lol you guys are all so nice and idk what to do with the positivity you give me haha. Feel free to leave a request on the chapter called 'About Requests' and I'll do my best to write it and post! &lt;3</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Overachiever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted November 16, 2019</p>
<p>uhhh this one is a poem....</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Climbing ever forward</p>
<p>An uphill hike to never end</p>
<p>In an attempt to reach the highest peak</p>
<p>He finds another slope again</p>
<p>Step by step and word by word</p>
<p>Searching for perfection</p>
<p>Never good enough</p>
<p>Despite all this, he never will give up</p>
<p>Pushing past his limits in the most unhealthy way</p>
<p>Our hero hates all of his flaws</p>
<p>He fights against them every day</p>
<p>Fighting onward to his goal</p>
<p>An unrealistic one at best</p>
<p>Discovering just one thing</p>
<p>One person he will never impress</p>
<p>He cannot accept himself</p>
<p>Despite knowing how far he's come</p>
<p>Further, further, with every step</p>
<p>He grows weaker by the moment</p>
<p>Aspirations still do call</p>
<p>And despite the way he tries so hard</p>
<p>Eventually, predictably,</p>
<p>The overachiever is destined to fall</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What did you think? Should I post poems more often? I'm very fond of writing them haha I just wasn't sure how y'all would react. Hope you liked it!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. The Dreamer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted November 27, 2019</p>
<p>WARNINGS: Self-deprecation, not taking care of oneself, sleep deprivation, food mentions, angst, arguments, verbally being put down (unintentionally), angst, and I think that's it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fanciful. Roman ran his hands through his hair, breathing out slowly. Fanciful, that's how they saw him. He knew that's how they saw him. That's how they'd always seen him. He was, really. He knew that. He was the dreamer. The ego. The unrealistic, least helpful side.</p>
<p>If Thomas had gotten a job as a chemical engineer, Roman very well wouldn't be needed. At all. The very thought terrified him - he wanted to be useful. He needed to be useful. He tried so hard... he had to do more. He had to find something that couldn't be... erased.</p>
<p>He could be erased. The thought sent fear into Roman's chest. He could be erased, even without Thomas in another career. He had Remus, in the case that he no longer found Roman useful. No, Roman couldn't let that happen. He had to find something else.</p>
<p>Fanciful. The Dreamer. The Ego. Unrealistic.</p>
<p>Fanciful. The Dreamer. The Ego.</p>
<p>The Dreamer. The Ego.</p>
<p>The Dreamer.</p>
<p>Roman frowned, squinting into his mirror at himself. It couldn't be that simple, could it? Maybe it could be. Dreams. How had he not thought of it before? If he found a way to control Thomas's dreams, make them better, Thomas would never need - <em>or want?</em> - to get rid of him.</p>
<p>"Dreams." Roman hummed, spinning on his heel and striding to the bookshelf, pulling down book after book and leafing through the pages. "Dreams. Dreams. Dreams." There! Roman smiled, eyes skating over the pages. Perfect. That was good. He could do this. He had to do this. For Thomas.</p>
<p>With a glance at the clock, Roman noted that he had a few hours to plan what he'd give Thomas tonight as a dream. That, and he had to make sure he'd be able to pull this off, but Roman wasn't worried about that. He had to do this, after all. He had no other choice.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Slowly, but surely, Roman managed to smooth out the kinks in his plan. Taking care of dreams in a literal sense was exhausting - but he found it was easy to work out plot points and ideas with the subconscious for Thomas and Logan to find finished in the morning. He managed to complete six or seven different possibilities every night, and soon Thomas's general productivity was improving. Roman couldn't help but beam with pride when he noticed, and Joan commenting on how put together and invested Thomas seemed to be, and videos getting out sooner as they finished scripts sooner.</p>
<p>He'd managed to keep it up for a few weeks - maybe months? He wasn't quite sure how long, really. He'd never been good at time and he was so exhausted, recently, that he couldn't keep track of how many days had gone by.</p>
<p>That was fine.</p>
<p>Roman didn't need to know the time or date. He just needed to help Thomas. To be useful, productive. To be what he'd been created to be.</p>
<p>The dreamer.</p>
<p>So, if this is what he was meant to do, why was he so flipping exhausted all the time?</p>
<p>Roman groaned, forcing his eyes open as he sat in front of his desk, notebook open, coffee having grown cold a while ago. He had to focus - he couldn't stop now. He couldn't take a break, or rest. He had to keep this up. Everything had been so much better lately... there was no way he could let that go.</p>
<p>And then he felt a familiar tugging in his gut.</p>
<p>Oh yeah - a filming day. He'd forgotten. Well, no, he just hadn't been sure what day it was at all. He'd known there was a filming day coming up, so he should have been getting ready. It was fine, though. He was fine.</p>
<p>Roman rose up, striking a pose as he announced his arrival.</p>
<p>"Never fear, you wonderful Prince Roman is here!"</p>
<p>"Ah, nice of you to join us," Logan said, tone sour. Roman frowned, lowering his arms as he saw the irritated looks on Logan's and Virgil's faces.</p>
<p>"Well, of course, my intelligent friend!" He forced a laugh anyway. "I would never leave you all hanging!"</p>
<p>"Are you seriously saying that right now?" Virgil snapped. Roman took a step away from him, blinking rapidly. What was going on?</p>
<p>"Now kiddos." Patton laughed nervously. "Be nice. We're a team, after all."</p>
<p>"Tell that to Princey!" Virgil muttered. "He's the one who only cares about himself!"</p>
<p>What? Roman stared at him, swaying slightly as he tried to figure out what Virgil was talking about.</p>
<p>"In this case, Patton, I'm going to have to agree with Virgil." Logan adjusted his glasses. "You've been just as... irritated as the rest of us the past few months."</p>
<p>"Wh- hah - what are you all talking about?" Roman forced a laugh again, looking to Thomas. He'd been silent so far, just watching the four of them with a tense look on his face. Oh, Thomas did not look so good. He looked... almost as exhausted as Roman felt.</p>
<p>"You know exactly what we're talking about!" Virgil snapped.</p>
<p>Roman fought to keep his eyes open, thoughts growing muddier by the second. Man, he was exhausted. And he had no idea what was going on - this wasn't the script. There was no camera. Something was... not how it should be.</p>
<p>"As Roman's memory seems to have failed, as usual," Logan sighed and Roman winced. "I'll have to remind him. Thomas is supposed to be on a creative break for the holidays, Roman. Yet... despite our many conversations on the matter... you refuse to stop urging him to work. He can hardly sleep at night thanks to your constant input."</p>
<p>"Th-The holidays?" Roman asked softly, putting a hand to his forehead. That wasn't right. It... it couldn't be December already. Could it? It was... it had to be June... or July? What was going on? God, he just wanted to sleep.</p>
<p>"Yes," Virgil growled. "God, we talked about this a week ago Roman! And two weeks ago! And three weeks ago! And-"</p>
<p>"Guys, enough." Thomas finally spoke up, and Roman looked to him guiltily. "I'm sure Roman didn't mean to-"</p>
<p>"He never does," Virgil muttered bitterly. "He tries his best, well guess what Roman? Your best obviously isn't good enough!"</p>
<p>Roman sucked in a breath, tears springing to his weary eyes. Patton gasped, but Roman barely heard it. All he heard was the voice ringing in his ears.</p>
<p>Not good enough. He was never good enough. They could get rid of him. They hated him. Everyone hated him. No matter what he did, he'd never be good enough.</p>
<p>The other voices slowly came back to him, and Roman shook his head to clear it.</p>
<p>"I-I apologize... Virgil. Thomas. I..." he took in a shuddering breath, reaching up to push his hair into place. "I..." words seemed so impossibly hard to say. It felt like his jaw was made of lead, and he could barely force them out. God... when had he gotten so tired?</p>
<p>"Roman, kiddo... are you alright?"</p>
<p>"What are you talking about, Patton? Roman's been on a freaking heyday for months now. Of course, he's al-"</p>
<p>Roma didn't hear the rest of Virgil's sentence, he couldn't hear anything as his eyes darkened and he crumpled to the floor.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"-don't understand... what was he thinking?"</p>
<p>Roman grimaced as he woke up, slowly drifting toward consciousness. Ugh, what was going on? He hadn't slept for... why was he asleep? What on earth?</p>
<p>"We'll have to ask him that, whenever he wakes. Dwelling on the past will be no help, Virgil. Just breathe."</p>
<p>"He nearly freaking died! Don't tell me to breathe!"</p>
<p>"Virgil."</p>
<p>"...fine. I'm breathing. Hear that?"</p>
<p>Ragged, exaggerated breaths met Roman's ears. He chuckled softly to himself, blinking his eyes open.</p>
<p>On second thought - why were Virgil and Logan here?</p>
<p>"I don't need to hear it to- Roman!" Logan spun around from where he stood with Virgil a few feet away from Roman's bed.</p>
<p>"Roman?" Virgil pushed past him. "Holy fuck, dude, what the hell was that?" Roman winced, head pounding as Virgil's voice rose.</p>
<p>Echoes of some conversation, which he couldn't quite recall, drifted into Roman's mind.</p>
<p>Not good enough. God, he'd never be good enough. Roman blinked back tears, sitting up despite the way his entire body ached.</p>
<p>"Virgil." Logan pulled Virgil back slightly. "Please."</p>
<p>"Right. Right. Okay." Virgil sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I'm fine. I'm not mad. I'm just super freaking stressed the hell out."</p>
<p>"I-I'm sorry." Roman managed. God, why was his throat so dry? Logan seemed to understand, summoning a glass of water and pressing it into his hand.</p>
<p>"Virgil, would you go tell Patton that Roman is awake? He'll be needing something to eat."</p>
<p>"Right. Okay." Virgil spun around and stalked out of the room. Roman watched him, eyebrows furrowed.</p>
<p>What was going on? How long was he asleep? A sinking feeling filled his stomach. How long had he been neglecting Thomas?!</p>
<p>"It's alright, Roman." Logan took the now empty cup and put it on Roman's nightstand. "No one is upset at you - how much do you remember?"</p>
<p>"...remember what?" Roman grimaced, looking around. Everything was so muddled. His last clear memory was from July or August when he figured out the best way to control the dreams. There were snippets of a conversation, the one where the truth had been laid out. Was that a conversation? Or Roman's tired mind playing tricks on him? "Wh-what day is it? What month is it? How long- how long was I asleep?"</p>
<p>"It's December 22nd." Logan adjusted his glasses. "You've been asleep for a week and a half - you had us all quite worried."</p>
<p>"What!?" Roman stared at him, mind spinning. No. That couldn't be right. He would know. He would remember all those months... it had to be August. Or September, at the latest.</p>
<p>"You did something incredibly dangerous," Logan muttered, avoiding Roman's gaze. "Taking so much onto your already busy schedule... I'm just surprised you didn't fall apart earlier. There is a reason the subconscious is in charge of dreams, Roman."</p>
<p>"O-oh." Roman swallowed nervously. "You... you know?"</p>
<p>"I didn't until you passed out." Logan sighed. "It was then that Thomas had the first unsettling dream he'd had since June - and I finally realized what you'd been doing."</p>
<p>"Logan..." Roman laughed forcibly. "Come on. I'm the dreamer, doesn't it make sense that I-"</p>
<p>"No." Logan shook his head firmly. "You exhausted yourself. You can barely remember the past few months. Does that really strike you as a good thing?"</p>
<p>"I..."</p>
<p>"Dreams, as I'm sure you know, can be several things." Logan sighed. "First, the literal take would be what Thomas experiences in sleep. However, another meaning and the one you truly represent would be goals. In this way, dreams and goals are synonyms. You are the dreamer, Roman. That doesn't mean you have to destroy yourself."</p>
<p>"I... I know that." Roman sighed miserably, head hanging.</p>
<p>"Then why?" Logan asked softly. "I can't... I can't imagine why you would purposefully misinterpret your own meaning."</p>
<p>"Thomas needs me," Roman said, wincing as he wondered if it was true.</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"But what if he doesn't?" Roman twisted the blankets in his hands. "What if I'm... useless? I have to do something to make it so he can't get... can't get rid of me, Logan, I need Thomas! I need-"</p>
<p>"Get rid of you?" Logan stared at him. Roman winced. "Roman, Thomas can't get rid of sides. If he could, he'd be a mess. He'd have gotten rid of Virgil when he first manifested, do you recall? And we all know how that would turn out."</p>
<p>"But I'm not as important as Virgil!" Roman snapped.</p>
<p>A soft gasp made both Roman and Logan turn to where Patton and Virgil stood in the doorway - Patton holding a plate of breakfast in his now trembling hands.</p>
<p>"Of course you're as important as Virgil," Logan said softly. "You are as important as the rest of us. Thomas needs all of us to work together in order to function. Destroying yourself in an attempt to prove your worth is unhealthy."</p>
<p>"Roman..." Patton walked over timidly, adjusting his grip on the plate. "Did... did you really think... we didn't want you?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman blinked back tears. "I just... I want to be good enough. I need to be good enough! I can't... I let you all down." realization crumbled onto Roman's shoulders and they slumped. "I failed you... I couldn't just-"</p>
<p>"Failure does not affect your worth." Logan interrupted. "Everyone fails, Roman. You are no different. And you are important, despite what you may believe." Roman said nothing - he wasn't quite sure what to say. Logan sighed again. "For now, though. Focus on recovering." Patton handed Roman the food, and Roman forced a small smile. "We will be able to discuss this more when you are fully well."</p>
<p>"Will-" Roman winced as his voice broke. They all looked at him. "Will you all...stay?" A beat of silence followed his request, but then Virgil scoffed and walked over, slumping onto Roman's bed.</p>
<p>"As if you could keep us away."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>awe. They all so cute and easy to crush under a giant ball of angst.</p>
<p>Man, I'm a monster lmao.</p>
<p>Thanks for reading! If you have any requests, comment them on the first chapter and I'll get to them as soon as possible. As always, no promises that I won't get writers' block again, but I'll try my best to get through the ones that have already been commented soon! Life has been crazy on my end, and I bit off a bit more than I could chew, but I should be alright now!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. By Any Other Name</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted December 16, 2019</p>
<p>Warnings: self-deprecation, self-hatred, Sympathetic Deceit, and that's it! (wow am I losing my touch? lol)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman sighed as he appeared in his room, disguise slipping off. He pulled off his shirt, letting his aching wings stretch after a long day of being hidden. Oh, that felt nice. A glance at the mirror made Roman wince, and he turned away - covering it with a snap of his fingers. Only to find himself face to face with his boyfriend, who had a sorrowful look on his face.</p>
<p>"Roman, how long?" he asked gently, shedding his gloves to massage the joints in Roman's wings. Roman sighed, slumping into the others embrace.</p>
<p>"Thomas needed me," he mumbled. "I couldn't leave, Dee. You know that."</p>
<p>"How much longer are you going to keep this a secret?" Deceit wondered gently, pulling Roman over to the bed.</p>
<p>"Forever." Roman sighed, averting his gaze. Deceit sighed softly. "I... I know. I'm sorry, I... I just... thank you for helping me."</p>
<p>"Of course." Deceit pressed a kiss to Roman's scaled forehead. "I will help you for as long as you need - but I don't agree with your opinion on this. And you know I'm fond of secrets and lies - but this is hurting you. Not helping."</p>
<p>"I can't just tell them." Roman groaned, pressing his face into a pillow. "After all this time, Dee, what would I say? 'Guess what, I'm actually a dragon witch?' I'll give you three guesses to how that'll go."</p>
<p>Deceit sighed, running his hands through Roman's hair around the horns that had reappeared, but didn't respond.</p>
<p>"First they'd assume it was Remus, playing some joke. Or worse, that he'd cursed me. And when they realized I was telling the truth, they'd hate me! Dragon witches are evil, Deceit. I... I can't stand this. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be-"</p>
<p>"Evil is such a strong word." Deceit hummed gently. "And really, it could mean anything. You've heard Logan, going on about how good and bad could be applied to any characteristics."</p>
<p>"Yes, well bad is applied to these characteristics!" Roman sat up, gesturing at his wings and scales.</p>
<p>"You are still yourself, Roman." Deceit said, exasperated. "The others will surely understand that your features do not define you. Who are you worried about? Virgil? Thomas?"</p>
<p>"All fo them." Roman buried his face in his hands, blinking back tears. "They'll all hate me. And I deserve it. It's my fault, you know. If I wasn't so... quick to judge others, this wouldn't be a problem."</p>
<p>Deceit hummed, rubbing Roman's shoulders gently. Roman rubbed his eyes.</p>
<p>"All this time, the dragon witch has been a villain." he murmured. "And I'm the one who said it first. I tell them about how... awful it is..." he swallowed thickly, face burning in shame. "I'm the reason they think badly of dragon witches, Deceit. If I tell them about this now... what will they think? What will they say? What will... what will they do?"</p>
<p>"Nothing, if they know what's good for them."</p>
<p>"You don't need to give them another reason to hate you." Roman scoffed, elbowing him slightly. Deceit shrugged.</p>
<p>"I don't care one way or another how anyone sees me." he murmured. "As long as everyone I care about - Thomas, You, Remus - is taken care of and happy, I'm happy." Roman bit his lip. "That's why I'm worried for you, Roman. You can't keep doing this to yourself."</p>
<p>"Why not?" Roman asked bitterly.</p>
<p>"You'll hurt yourself. You are hurting yourself." Deceit sighed, shaking his head. "You're repressing part of yourself just to... what? What do you gain from this?"</p>
<p>"I... respect? Love? Friends?" Roman sighed helplessly. "What are you getting at, Deceit?"</p>
<p>"Love." Deceit echoed, face falling. "Roman, love should not be conditional. My love is not conditional. I love you, Roman. Wings, horns, and all."</p>
<p>"That's true." Roman stared at the floor. "But you've always known. You know everyone's secrets."</p>
<p>"Yes." Deceit sighed.</p>
<p>"...guess that's pretty rough. You can't tell anyone, either." Roman picked absently at the scales on his arm. Deceit gently pulled the hand away, wrapping their fingers together. "I'm sorry, I don't... I don't want to hurt you, Deceit."</p>
<p>"It does not hurt me to keep the secret." Deceit said. "Only to see you in pain, Roman. Why do you hate this part of yourself? Why do you insist that it's evil?"</p>
<p>"I'm a prince!" Roman threw his hands in the air, accidentally flapping his wings and hitting Deceit in the face. His eyes widened. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry! Dee-"</p>
<p>"It's alright." Deceit chuckled, hugging Roman gently. "You didn't hurt me."</p>
<p>"Okay..." Roman sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into his boyfriend's arms. "Hmm, you're cold."</p>
<p>"You're warm." Deceit replied.</p>
<p>"I love you."</p>
<p>"You're trying to change the subject."</p>
<p>"Dee!" Roman sighed, pouting. "Why do you want to talk about it? Can't we just... not? Can't we just rest, and cuddle, or something?"</p>
<p>"Please answer my question first." Deceit pulled Roman down into the mountain of pillows, holding him closer. "Why don't you like it?"</p>
<p>"I already told you," Roman said, opening his eyes to meet Deceit's gaze. "I'm a prince. A hero. I can't be both. I can't be a dragon witch and a prince. I want to be a prince. I have to be a prince. What will... what will everyone think if I wasn't a prince?"</p>
<p>"Why can't you be both?" Deceit asked, running his fingers through Roman's hair again. "A dragon prince, perhaps? My dragon prince."</p>
<p>"That does have a ring to it..." Roman bit his lip, then sighed. "But still... what will everyone think of me?"</p>
<p>"A rose," Deceit hummed softly, lips brushing Roman's forehead again. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."</p>
<p>Roman smiled sadly at the sentiment, cuddling into Deceit's chest. Deceit didn't pursue the conversation any further, but Roman was sure this wasn't the last of it.</p>
<p>He couldn't help but imagine that Deceit could be onto something, despite the complicated feelings he held for the dragon parts of his body.</p>
<p>It really was becoming a hassle to try and hide it every day, after all.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's it! Sorry, it's so short and sorry again about taking so long to post! I should get another one-shot out in a few days (don't quote me on that).</p>
<p>Feel free to leave a request (and keep in mind I may not write it - I'm really sorry if I don't) on the first chapter!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. A Person I Hate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted December 30, 2019</p>
<p>WARNINGS: self-deprecation, self-hatred, memory loss, amnesia, food mentions, injury/illness mentions, sympathetic Deceit, sympathetic Remus, possibly implied suicide attempt, /unhappy ending/</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was frustrated.</p>
<p>He had good reason to be frustrated, of course. Anyone would be frustrated if they woke to discover they had no memories of their past.</p>
<p>Roman - he was positive that was his name - sighed and stared intently into the mirror. He was Roman. A prince. The creative, fanciful, romantic side of Thomas. Thomas, a person who he remembered better than anything, which made sense seeing as Roman was a piece of him. He could recall most of Thomas's life - as much as he needed to, at least. He knew Thomas was a YouTuber, he knew Thomas's best friends, he knew about the video series he had featuring Roman and...</p>
<p>And who else?</p>
<p>That was what frustrated him so much.</p>
<p>Roman knew there were others. He was sure of it. He could feel their input and their voices and their pieces of Thomas in everything Thomas did. He knew, as well, that he should know who they are. That he liked some of them, and not others. That he was much fonder of one of them than the rest.</p>
<p>But that was just a foggy outline. He remembered nothing about them, nothing about the series that should have been in his mind as he was the creative side. All he knew is that he was supposed to know more.</p>
<p>It was really starting to piss him off.</p>
<p>Roman sighed in annoyance, spinning away from the mirror to survey his room. He hadn't ventured outside of it yet after waking up the day before, with no memories and no idea what he would find past the bright red door. Thomas was on a creative break at the moment, he'd learned by listening to his hosts' thoughts. Was that the cause of this? A result? A very fortunate coincidence? Whatever it was, Roman knew the break wouldn't last very long.</p>
<p>Why couldn't he remember anything about the other sides?</p>
<p>Tears of frustration pricked his eyes as he tried to remember anything other than the fact that they existed. He couldn't even remember their names or their roles. Had he ever learned their names in the first place? He should know. He knew he should know.</p>
<p>So why didn't he?</p>
<p>"Yo, princey!" Roman jumped when someone pounded on his door. The voice was low and rough but sounded amused at the same time. Princey? That must be him, right? He was a prince after all. He quickly composed himself, clearing his throat.</p>
<p>"Yes, what might I do for you on this fabulous day, my friend?" that was a safe way to address the person, right? Without giving anything away? The one outside his door laughed softly.</p>
<p>"Dude, what is going on with you? You've been in there for over a day. Patton's getting worried."</p>
<p>Patton. Roman rubbed his forehead with a grimace. That was one of the names of the others.</p>
<p>"Oh, I apologize!" Roman forced a laugh, walking over to the door. "I've simply been distracted, that's all!"</p>
<p>"Well, he said you're required to come down for dinner." The handle turned and the other side pushed it open, eyebrows raising. "Wow, you look exhausted." Which was really something coming from him - wearing that hoodie with dramatic black eyeshadow.</p>
<p>"Psh, that's ridiculous!" Roman turned back to the mirror, running a hand through his hair. "I'm right as rain, hot topic." the nickname rolled off his tongue as he surveyed the other's appearance. He rolled his eyes, and Roman was relieved that this didn't make him see how confused Roman was.</p>
<p>"Well, you're gonna have a fun time explaining that to Patton." he chuckled. "Come on, he made pasta."</p>
<p>"Wonderful! I suppose it wouldn't be very kind of us to keep our darling Patton waiting, would it?" Roman bounced after the other, searching his very blank memories for anything to do with the name or perhaps to do with the side he was speaking with. Nothing, of course, said anything.</p>
<p>"He forgot he's supposed to be taking a break." the other side announced as they entered the kitchen. Roman glanced quickly around, spotting two other sides. Both wore glasses and polo shirts, but one had a tie and the other a cardigan.</p>
<p>"Inspiration waits for no-one!" Roman declared dramatically, though he wondered idly if he usually acted this way. He sure hoped he did.</p>
<p>"There's a difference between utilizing inspiration and working too hard," the side wearing a tie said in annoyance as if they'd had the conversation before. "I told you to just write down the ideas, and come back to them when you have enough energy. Did you even sleep last night?"</p>
<p>"Ah..." Roman winced, thinking back. "I do not think so, but I very well could have been dreaming and thus causing myself to believe that I was awake when I really wasn't. So-"</p>
<p>"Pfft, wow, okay." the side wearing a jacket laughed, covering his mouth. "Are you even hearing yourself? It's a good thing you made me get him, Patton. He's going insane." Roman pouted slightly.</p>
<p>"Awe, be nice Virge!" The one with a cardigan scolded, stirring the pasta that sat on the stove beside him. "But you know you need sleep, kiddo."</p>
<p>"Alright, I'll sleep tonight." Roman waved a hand, dropping casually into a seat beside the one wearing a tie and glancing over his shoulder at the book he was holding. "What are you reading, specs?"</p>
<p>"The book you lent me." specs rolled his eyes, flipping the cover to reveal one Roman found vaguely familiar.</p>
<p>"Who wants pasta!" cardigan cheered, bringing two plates over with Virge (Roman assumed that was his name now) brought the other two, placing them around before taking their seats.</p>
<p>"It looks delightful, Patton." specs said, setting the book aside. Cardigan beamed. So he must be Patton. Roman forced himself to file the knowledge away, intending to write it down as soon as he could in case he forgot about them all again.</p>
<p>"So what were you so distracted by up there, Roman?" Patton asked cheerfully as the other two began to talk about some kind of conspiracy.</p>
<p>"Hm?" Roman glanced up from his pasta - which was very delicious - and laughed softly, combing his hair back once again. "Oh, just bits and pieces. Nothing too big yet, you know. Taking it easy, as we agreed?"</p>
<p>"Oh, that's good." Patton seemed relieved. "The last thing you want is to get burned out again." Roman wasn't sure why those words seemed to fall so heavy across the dinner table, but he nodded anyway.</p>
<p>"Of course! I'll be sure to get some sleep tonight," he promised with a wide false smile. He seemed to believe it, and the conversation continued onward. Roman mostly listened but was sure to give input when it was obvious they expected it.</p>
<p>By the time dinner was over, and Roman had helped Patton clean the kitchen - which he seemed pleasantly surprised about - Roman had learned a few more things. So, when he finally returned to his bedroom with the promise of getting a good night's sleep, he grabbed an empty notebook from his desk and sat on his bed to write. The fear of forgetting everything once more was heavy, and Roman figured that if he wrote it down he could fall back on it all without having this disaster.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Patton - cardigan, and glasses. Cooks, puns, and animals. Thomas's Emotions? Puffball.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Virgil - eyeshadow, purple and black hoodie. Sarcasm? Pessimism? Something not amazing, but he's not awful I suppose. Angsty. Calls me Princey.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>???? - glasses, tie. Thomas's smart side, I suppose. Facts, numbers... logic. He is Logic. I lent him a book - but I don't remember if I've read that one yet or not. He said he would return it soon.</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Roman sighed softly, staring at the expanse of blank whiteness on the page. He knew he should know more. And he knew there were more sides than just them - why couldn't he remember anything? He'd obviously had a past with all of them - that much was blatantly obvious. How was he to know how to act? How to be himself? He was trying - he truly was - but there had been moments that evening where he knew the other sides were surprised or confused by something he'd said, or done.</p>
<p>The book was set on his bedside table, and Roman grudgingly changed into pajamas. Despite not remembering who Patton was - he hated the idea of disappointing him. So, Roman would sleep. Or try to, at least. Perhaps things would make more sense in the morning, anyway.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Good morning Roman!" Patton beamed when Roman entered the kitchen in the morning, notebook and pencil in hand as he figured he would remember more if he wrote it down as soon as learning something new. "I'm making waffles, they should be done soon!"</p>
<p>"Would you like any help, Patton?" Roman asked, cautiously using the name and finding it felt incredibly right in his voice. Patton's face lit up even brighter, somehow.</p>
<p>"Well, sure! If you want!" he giggled and Roman set his notebook to the side, walking over to join him. "Wanna get the strawberries outta the fridge, kiddo?"</p>
<p>"Of course." Roman went to the fridge, finding that it was half-filled with various flavors of crofters jam. The rest looked like a regular fridge. Interesting. He located the strawberries, dumping them out into a bowl as Patton talked about something or other. Oh, he should probably pay attention.</p>
<p>"-ogan was saying that you should probably stay out here most of the day so you don't accidentally work too hard again, y'know?" Roman nodded absently. He'd missed the name. Great. "We're just glad you're starting to feel better, is all." Patton smiled, hugging Roman with one arm.</p>
<p>"Oh, you know me," Roman said, grinning. "I always bounce back!"</p>
<p>"Yes, you do!" Patton laughed, turning to switch the waffles out and spread butter over the finished ones. "Logan and Virge said they'd be down soon, I just wanted to let you sleep a little more." he continued. "But it looks like you're up and at 'em earlier than ever!"</p>
<p>"Just thought I might get a head-start on the day!" Roman said cheerfully, casually flipping open his notebook and scribbling down the nerd's name. Logan. Hopefully, that was the person Patton was talking about.</p>
<p>"Even when he's resting, he's writing." Virgil walked past, clapping Roman on the shoulder. "You know what relaxation means, princey?"</p>
<p>"Of course I do." Roman rolled his eyes and quickly closed the notebook so they didn't see the notes. "I'm simply following Logan's advice, that's all."</p>
<p>"Oh. Good." Virgil walked over to the table and slumped into his chair. "I was just giving you a hard time anyway." Roman nodded absently, looking back over to Patton.</p>
<p>"Anything else I can help you with, Patton?" he asked, hating the feeling that he may be useless.</p>
<p>"Oh, I dunno..." Patton thought for a moment. "Wanna make the juice? You don't have to help me out, y'know. I like to make breakfast for everyone!"</p>
<p>"I want to help." Roman insisted, pushing off from the counter to return from the fridge. Patton's smile brightened again at his words.</p>
<p>"Well thank you, Roman!" Roman squinted at the freezer, finally locating one of the frozen concentrated orange juices and pulling it out.</p>
<p>"I seem to have forgotten where the pitcher is, I'm afraid," he said carefully, forcing a light laugh as he glanced at Patton. Patton cheerfully pulled open the cupboard nearest the fridge, then returned to butter another waffle. "Ah, thank you."</p>
<p>"Careful." Virgil teased from the table. "Wouldn't want to get orange juice on your perfect clothes there, princey." Roman frowned, glancing down at his attire. Yes, it was white. But they were imaginary, he could just make any stains go away.</p>
<p>"Oh, be nice!" Patton scolded, though he sounded amused. "We can clean it if anything spills, Roman. I promise."</p>
<p>"I'm really not worried about it." Roman chuckled, running hot water over the can to loosen the frozen juice inside. "I appreciate the concern, Nightmare On Emo Street."</p>
<p>"Wow, that stings," Virgil said sarcastically.</p>
<p>"Ah, Roman is already awake," Logan said from the doorway. He sounded pleasantly surprised, and Roman wondered how late he usually stayed in bed. Ugh, this was infuriating. What if he was acting completely wrong and they were going to notice and get mad at him any moment now?</p>
<p>"I'm making orange juice, Specs." Roman turned and held up the pitcher. "Where did the spoons go?"</p>
<p>"Drawer by your right elbow," Logan said, eyebrows raised slightly.</p>
<p>"Right!" Roman turned back around, shaking his head. He'd have to look around once they weren't here, so they didn't notice anything was wrong.</p>
<p>Why was he hiding it, though? Roman frowned as he stirred the juice together. Was he scared, or... why didn't he want them to know? He knew why, really. He was terrified. What if he was a bad person, or what if they wouldn't like him now that he remembered literally nothing about himself, or them?</p>
<p>"Dude, are you okay?" Roman looked up in surprise when Virgil stood at his elbow.</p>
<p>"I'm right as rain!" Roman declared, accidentally splashing him with juice. He winced. "Oh, sorry..."</p>
<p>"I can feel the nervousness from here." Virgil shook his head, wiping the droplets away casually. "You're that stressed about taking a creative break?"</p>
<p>"Of course not." Roman rolled his eyes, putting the spoon in the sink before taking the juice to the table, where Logan was seated reading the book he'd supposedly borrowed from Roman. "I don't know why you think I'm nervous."</p>
<p>"Sure you don't." Virgil sighed, taking his seat once more as Patton brought over the waffles. "Not like I'm the core of anxiety and fears or anything." oh. Well, that wasn't good. Roman forced a smile, retrieving his notebook casually.</p>
<p>"I'm just thinking, Virgil." he scoffed confidently. "I do that sometimes, you know."</p>
<p>"I didn't." Virgil teased.</p>
<p>"Awe, be nice you two!" Patton pouted, already starting in on his waffles.</p>
<p>"Alright, alright." Virgil relented, picking up his own fork. Roman scrawled the new information hastily in his notebook before eating.</p>
<p>Virgil was anxiety. And that meant he could tell when Roman was nervous. Which was going to cause some problems if he didn't get this figured out really soon.</p>
<p>So he knew he was creativity, and Virgil was anxiety. He was fairly certain that Logan was Logic - it even made sense if his name was derived from logos. So, Patton was the only mystery so far. Him, and the other three sides that flitted at the edge of Roman's memories, who he had yet to see in the mindscape. Not that he'd explored much, yet.</p>
<p>"Want help washing up?" Roman asked after Virgil and Logan had left, Virgil to where he was now seated on the stairs and Logan back to his room - muttering something about schedules.</p>
<p>"Are you sure?" Patton seemed surprised, and Roman couldn't help but wonder again if he wasn't usually one to offer help. "You're supposed to be resting, Kiddo."</p>
<p>"It's not that hard." Roman scoffed. "Besides, it doesn't take much creative effort to wash dishes." Patton smiled and nodded, carrying over his and Logan's plates to the sink. Roman gathered the rest, following him.</p>
<p>"Well, I certainly appreciate it." he laughed softly. "Thank you, Roman."</p>
<p>"It's nothing, truly," Roman promised again, making a mental note to write about the fact that Patton was seemingly accustomed to doing all the basic chores on his own. That only made Roman feel worse.</p>
<p>Why hadn't he helped out before he lost his memory?</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Romans acting weird," Virgil said, flopping down onto Logan's bed and pulling out a fidget cube. Logan hummed. "I'm serious!"</p>
<p>"I never said you were wrong." Logan adjusted his glasses. "You are correct. He seems to be forgetful, and more helpful."</p>
<p>"And he wasn't even worried about his clothes possibly getting spilled on," Virgil mumbled. "I mean, none of it's bad... really. But it's different, and he's stressing me out."</p>
<p>"It's likely that Roman simply feels guilty for the burnout," Logan said slowly, turning to face Virgil. "He always has liked to seem independent, and he was quite incapable of caring for himself for a few days. Perhaps he is trying to make up for it."</p>
<p>"I guess." Virgil sighed. "That'd explain why he's so freaking nervous, too. Making me more nervous, might I mention. Should we say anything to him?"</p>
<p>"I'm unsure." Logan mused. "Roman is sensitive, and it's possible he could take it the wrong way. But I'd like to make sure he knows we don't hold what happened against him."</p>
<p>"Of course we don't." Virgil scoffed. "It wasn't his fault, anyway."</p>
<p>"We should also discuss it with Patton before talking to Roman." Logan pointed out. "He may have some good points, and he's spent more time with Roman than we have recently."</p>
<p>"That's true..." Virgil frowned slightly, thinking it over. Roman had gotten up earlier than usual, to spend time with Patton in the kitchen. And he'd been so helpful, even insisting he helped Patton wash the dishes. Roman hated washing the dishes. His eyes widened slightly. "Lo, you don't think..."</p>
<p>"What?" Logan glanced at him, eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"Y'don't think they're dating and didn't tell us?" Virgil spoke before he could try not to, and Logan seemed surprised.</p>
<p>"Why would that be the case? There's no evidence of anything like that, from what I can tell."</p>
<p>"I guess," Virgil shrugged and sighed softly. "I just have no idea why he'd act so different all the sudden, y'know? And he's mostly been acting differently with stuff that involves Patton."</p>
<p>"But do you think either of them would be able to keep such a relationship a secret?" Logan asked critically. Virgil shrugged.</p>
<p>"As I said, it was just a thought." Logan hummed again, and they fell into a comfortable silence.</p>
<p>"What are you guys doing in here?" Patton bounced to the door, which was sitting slightly ajar. "We're supposed to be having a family day! Roman and I made a pillow fort!" Virgil glanced pointedly at Logan, who rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"Apologies, Patton. I was simply checking Thomas's schedule, and must have lost track of the time." Logan said. "Virgil was un-stressing."</p>
<p>"Oh! You okay, kiddo?" Patton looked at Virgil, who nodded and got to his feet.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm fine." he stretched. "Where's Princey got to?"</p>
<p>"He's picking some movies!" Patton beamed. "Come on, guys, please? We gotta spend time with him before he gets too wrapped up in projects again!"</p>
<p>"We're coming." Logan sighed, finally getting to his feet. Virgil had to admit - Patton had a point. Before the burnout incident - which was been terrifying - Roman generally only spent meals and random moments in the commons with the rest of them. When Thomas was done with his break, he'd certainly be busier than ever.</p>
<p>Roman was scribbling in that notebook of his when they arrived, but he had set out a few DVD cases on the floor beside him.</p>
<p>"Glad you're trying to keep the ideas organized," Logan noted. Roman looked up, snapping the notebook shut.</p>
<p>"Hey, guys! I got some movies out, not sure which ones you wanted, so we can switch it up if need be." he put the notebook on the coffee table, getting to his feet. His clothes were rumpled slightly, and Virgil watched curiously as Roman made no move to adjust them. Odd.</p>
<p>"I'm sure whatever movies you've chosen are suitable," Logan said, though his gaze did linger fondly on the cover to Big Hero 6 - one of the movies in Roman's selection.</p>
<p>"If you say so - but we're all going to be watching them."</p>
<p>Roman shrugged, and Virgil felt a burst of nervousness roll off of the creative side. Logan must be right - Roman was trying to make up the few days he'd been incapacitated by being nice. Virgil wasn't sure, though, that it explained all of his behaviour.</p>
<p>He pushed the worry to the back of his mind and settled in the blanket fort with the others. It'd be fine - he and Logan would talk to Patton and they'd make sure Roman knew they weren't upset at him. Right now, he wanted to spend time with all of them before things got crazy again.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman didn't know what he was doing wrong. He didn't know anything, really. He could tell the other sides were confused by many of his actions - but he was just trying his best to act like himself. That begged the question - was he the same person as he had been?</p>
<p>Not only that, but it seemed none of them wanted to leave him alone. Roman wasn't sure what had happened with the burnout, but it had definitely been something bad. Perhaps that could be the cause of his predicament. Whatever the case, it was nearly impossible to get some time alone to explore the mindscape. That's why he was out here at night when all the other sides were asleep.</p>
<p>At least he thought they were asleep.</p>
<p>Roman paused when he saw a silhouette in the kitchen doorway. That didn't look like Logan, Patton, or Virgil...</p>
<p>"Up for a midnight snack?" he asked, not wanting to give away the fact that he had no idea who this person was. They turned, and light fell across the scales on their face. Roman tried his best to hide the surprise.</p>
<p>"Ah, Roman, I totally expected you to be up and about." the side drawled, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Did you now." Roman laughed, unsure if he was being sarcastic or not. "What are you up to...?" he let his voice trail away as he failed to think of a nickname.</p>
<p>"Simply staring at the kitchen." the side turned, walking over to the fridge. "Definitely not searching for your stash of ibuprofen."</p>
<p>"Do you need... it?" Roman followed curiously. The snake faced side rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"No, obviously. That's why I'm not looking for it!"</p>
<p>"I feel like you're being sarcastic." Roman sighed in defeat, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"I'm never sarcastic." the side said. "And your brother doesn't have a splitting headache. Where do you keep the painkillers, Roman?"</p>
<p>His brother? What the hell? Roman turned, opening the cupboard he'd rifled through earlier to pull out a bottle of the medication. He handed them over, and the other side seemed surprised.</p>
<p>"...are you quite unwell?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. Roman stared at him, baffled, before realizing that for some reason this side was speaking in opposites. In lies.</p>
<p>"I'm perfectly alright!" Roman waved a hand. "Now, where is this suffering sibling of mine? I'd hate to leave him alone in his misery."</p>
<p>"...of course you wouldn't...." the side said slowly, watching Roman with interest. Then he turned on his heel and started away. Roman followed a few steps behind. "I'm sure he'll be overjoyed to see you."</p>
<p>The words made Roman anxious, but he pushed the worry away and followed the other side to a darkened corner of the hallway, only to discover that it opened up into a dark version of the one they'd just been in. huh. He fingered the notebook in his hands but decided not to write anything yet. This side was obviously suspicious already, no need to make him more so.</p>
<p>"Remus," the side drawled, swinging open a door to reveal a room eerily similar to Romans - in a way that was completely opposite. It was chaotic, and it smelled a hundred different unpleasant ways. "I've managed to locate painkillers all on my lonesome, your brother certainly was no help."</p>
<p>An unhappy whine rose from a pile of moldy blankets, and Roman watched in surprise as another side - dressed in a black mockery of Roman's own outfit - sat up and winced. So this was his brother. Interesting. Why didn't Roman remember he had a brother?</p>
<p>"Wh... Roman?" Remus asked incredulously, reaching up with one hand to cup his head. Roman shuffled nervously as the snake faced side opened the bottle of pills. "What are you doing here?"</p>
<p>"Making sure you're feeling well..." Roman said, shrugging. "Can't a guy just check on his suffering brother from time to time?"</p>
<p>"Sure he can." Remus sniffled slightly. "But you don't."</p>
<p>Oh. Fuck.</p>
<p>Roman winced, mentally cursing himself. He wasn't sure what to say - or even if he could speak at the moment. The other side handed Remus some pills before facing Roman, eyes flicking to the notebook in his hands.</p>
<p>"Might I ask what you were up to tonight, Roman?" he reached for the book, and Roman pulled it away in a panic. The side's eyes widened in surprise.</p>
<p>"I... was unable to sleep," Roman said slowly, swallowing thickly. "And then I found you in the kitchen. And now I'm here." In his brother's room. The brother that, apparently, Roman cared little for. He found that hard to believe.</p>
<p>"Roman..." the snake side narrowed his eyes, leaning closer to Roman's face. Roman stared back, heart pounding. "You don't know me, do you?"</p>
<p>"Of course I know you!" Roman laughed awkwardly, rolling his eyes. "Why wouldn't I know you? You're one of Thomas's sides, as am I! How could I possibly not know you?"</p>
<p>"Well you just lied to my face," the other said with a smirk. "When you should be very aware that I am Deceit - and I always know when someone is lying. You've been doing it a lot today - which isn't uncommon - but you never lie to me."</p>
<p>Well, Roman was screwed.</p>
<p>"You don't remember Dee?" Remus asked in surprise.</p>
<p>"Roman doesn't remember anything." Deceit said, pulling the notebook from Roman's hands and flipping through it. "Taking notes. So you haven't told your friends about this?"</p>
<p>"That is none of your affair!" Roman snapped, yanking the book away. "I apologize for being unable to recall who you are, but it's clear that me joining the two of you is an uncommon occurrence anyway. So if you don't mind, I'll be leaving." he turned to go, then froze with fear. "Please don't tell the others."</p>
<p>"Even if we did, darling," Deceit laughed. "They wouldn't listen to us. Remus and I are outcasts. Write that down in your little book."</p>
<p>Roman hurried away, tears welling up in his eyes. He was screwed he was screwed he was so freaking screwed.</p>
<p>How could he be sure that either of them would keep his secret? How could he even know they'd said anything true the whole time he was there?</p>
<p>Roman hurried to his room, tears dropping down onto the notebook pages as he scribbled down notes for Deceit and Remus.</p>
<p>Why wasn't he nice to his brother? Sure, everything about Remus had seemed awful and wrong and gross - but he was Roman's brother. How could Roman even have a brother? He wasn't a real person. He was just Thomas's creativity - or was he part of it? Roman's eyes widened as he looked around his room. Remus was his opposite. The creativity that Thomas didn't want.</p>
<p>That just made Roman feel even worse.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Things did not get better. From what Roman could tell - neither Deceit nor Remus had said anything to the others about his amnesia. His notebook was filling slowly with facts and questions - most unanswered - and he was slowly growing better at pretending everything was fine. But that was just it - he wasn't fine. He hated the way he should know things - and he hated how the end to Thomas's creative break was slowly approaching day after day.</p>
<p>The breaking point, however, came when Roman had let his guard down for too long.</p>
<p>The notebook.</p>
<p>He'd left the notebook on the kitchen table when he went to help Patton do dishes - and he'd forgotten about it afterward when Patton pulled him to watch another movie. He'd forgotten about it completely.</p>
<p>Until it was too late.</p>
<p>"What the fuck is this?" Virgil's baffled shout echoed into the living room and Patton paused the movie, turning around. "Roman, what the hell?"</p>
<p>"Wh-" Roman froze when he saw the notebook in Virgil's hand. Opened.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>"Virgil, is that Roman's idea book?" Patton asked in surprise. "Why are you-"</p>
<p>"Idea book?" Virgil stormed over, hands gripping the book tight enough that his knuckles turned white. "This isn't an idea book, Roman, what the fuck is it?"</p>
<p>Roman couldn't speak. He felt completely frozen, trapped in place as his heart tried to burst from his chest.</p>
<p>"Kiddo, take a deep breath." Patton stood slowly. "What..." he trailed off when Virgil shoved the book into his hands and his eyes skated over the notes. The living room fell silent, and Roman still couldn't force himself to talk.</p>
<p>"What the hell are these?" Virgil demanded, turning to Roman with an angry gaze. Roman stared back, terrified. After a moment, the fire died and Virgil's eyes widened as he finally felt Roman's fear through his own anger. "Roman... what is going on?"</p>
<p>"These..." Patton flipped the pages gently, shaking his head. "I can imagine Logan taking notes on us, for some reason, but... why..." his voice trailed off. "Roman, you remember us, right?"</p>
<p>"O-of course I do." the lie fell easily from Roman's lips, though it came out a choked whisper. "Why wouldn't... why wouldn't I remember you?"</p>
<p>"I'm getting Logan." Virgil spun around, storming up the stairs. Patton closed the notebook, placing it in Roman's hands. Roman stared at it, not willing to make eye contact or try to explain himself. What could he say? They would be angry at him no matter what. That much was obvious from this reaction.</p>
<p>Soon enough, Logan and Virgil joined them. The four sat in silence, and Roman felt like it was suffocating him. God, what on earth was he supposed to do?</p>
<p>"Roman, kiddo?"</p>
<p>Roman forced himself to look up at Patton, whose eyes were wide and worried.</p>
<p>"Please tell us what's going on," Patton said softly.</p>
<p>Roman swallowed, blinking back tears as he opened his mouth to speak. He stumbled over the first few words, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"I-I...I'm sorry... I didn't... I... I woke up and I didn't remember... anything about you." his words had an obvious effect on the others. Patton's shoulders fell, his eyes filling with tears. Virgil sat up straighter, obviously shocked, and Logan, well, Logan didn't really react.</p>
<p>"I knew who I was, and I know about Thomas." Roman continued, face reddening in shame. "But I was unable to recall anything except the fact that you all existed - not even... not even your names or what you do..." he looked away, mortified at his own emotional reaction. "And I... I didn't mean for you to find out. I only... I just... I wrote it all down so I didn't forget again. And so I could remember what I learned about you better. I'm sorry, I'm acting differently now and you all probably think... think I'm..."</p>
<p>"Oh kiddo." Patton wrapped him in a hug and Roman gasped, floodgates opening as a choked sob forced from his chest. He sobbed into Patton's shoulder, the notebook tumbling from his hands onto the floor. "I'm so sorry, Roman. That's... that's awful. You're going to be okay, now. I've got you."</p>
<p>"Roman..." Logan's voice wavered slightly. "I... I apologize, we should have noticed something was wrong, I should have... I had no idea."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Roman forced out. "I'm so... I'm trying so hard to be the best I can be and... and I know I'm not acting the way you expect me to and I don't understand why... did I change? Do I even... do I even know who the heck I am?"</p>
<p>"Of course you do," Virgil said gruffly, folding his arms tightly against his chest. "You're Roman, you're creativity. Right?"</p>
<p>"Only half of it, I think." Roman wiped tears from his face and glanced at them, wincing when he saw their shocked expressions. Fuck. What did he do wrong, now? "...right? R-Remus is... he's the other part...?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Logan adjusted his glasses, regaining his composure first. "But you generally... you never talk about Remus. Not that you aren't allowed to, you just never have. Do you remember him, somehow?"</p>
<p>"Not from before." Roman picked up his notebook, flipping to the pages where he'd written about Remus and Deceit. "I... was looking around a few nights ago, so I didn't seem like such an idiot to you all, and Deceit was here."</p>
<p>"HERE?" Virgil yelped. Roman frowned.</p>
<p>"He needed painkillers." he elaborated. "For Remus. He called him my brother, and I figured whoever I was before would... want to check on him if he was in pain. They were surprised, but they let me do it. Then they figured out I had amnesia... they didn't tell you, though."</p>
<p>"No, they didn't," Patton said softly.</p>
<p>"They said you wouldn't listen if they did." Roman continued, tapping his fingers in agitation. "And they acted like... Remus... why didn't I like my own brother?!"</p>
<p>"He's tried to kill you a lot." Virgil supplied softly, slumping onto the couch.</p>
<p>"We can't die, though, can we?" Roman scowled. He was fairly certain they couldn't die. How he knew that he wasn't sure. Odd.</p>
<p>"No, we cannot," Logan confirmed. "Remus... he is your exact opposite, Roman. You did happen to be closer when Thomas was younger, but generally, his input is... disturbing."</p>
<p>"Ah," Roman recalled the disaster of a room he'd seen when going to Remus with the painkillers. "Alright, well...he didn't seem angry that I was... there." he bit his lip, staring at the few notes he had. "He was just sad... was I really such an awful person before all this?"</p>
<p>"You aren't a person, perse." Logan corrected. "You are a part of a person. Until now, I didn't realize we had the ability to lose our memories at all. Forget things, yes. But as Thomas has had no memory problems, I don't see how this could happen."</p>
<p>"Patton is the memory guy, though." Virgil pointed out. Roman lifted an eyebrow, flipping back to the front and conjuring a pencil to scribble it down. "Roman... the only thing with Roman recently has been the burnout."</p>
<p>The words, as always when the burnout was mentioned, fell into silence and sat there, bothering all of them. Roman fidgeted slightly, brow furrowed.</p>
<p>"...what exactly happened?" he asked, softly. "With the... the burnout you keep mentioning."</p>
<p>"O-oh." Patton laughed sadly. "Well, Thomas got burned out creatively. Like, worse than ever. We found you... you literally looked burned out. You smelled like smoke and you had burns - but we can't really get hurt so your skin was just all black, and... and..."</p>
<p>"You were incapacitated." Logan took over, patting Patton's shoulder gently. "Unable to do things for yourself, we nursed you back to health and spoke to Thomas and we all decided that a creative break was very much needed. A day later was when you began acting strangely, I assume that was when you lost your memories. It's likely that the two are connected."</p>
<p>As he spoke, thoughts and memories - yes, memories - finally flashed through Roman's mind. He grimaced, a hand flying to cradle his ribs as they seemed to burn with every breath.</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>"Are you okay?" Patton asked in alarm.</p>
<p>"Y-yes..." Roman shook his head. "I just... now that you've spoken of it, I do recall something of that burnout. Not anything useful, I'm afraid, but - ow!" he gasped, a spike of pain piercing through his head. "Agh, what the hell!"</p>
<p>"Roman, what happened?" Patton grabbed his shoulders, pulling them to face each other.</p>
<p>"I don't know." Roman hissed through gritted teeth. "I just... a headache..."</p>
<p>"I'll get you some water." Virgil got to his feet and hurried to the kitchen. Roman nodded idly, rubbing his forehead.</p>
<p>"What do we do, now?" Patton asked softly.</p>
<p>"I am unsure." Logan hummed. "I think it would be wise to consult with the others, though. Would anyone be against calling Remus and Deceit?" No one said anything. Roman sighed softly.</p>
<p>"I'd be perfectly fine with that." he murmured. "Though I didn't leave them on very good terms last time."</p>
<p>"We never do," Patton said unhappily. Virgil handed Roman the water and Logan stood up, flicking his wrist. Moments later, the two dark sides appeared in the commons.</p>
<p>"Ah, how expected." Deceit said drily, adjusting his hat. He glanced at Roman, eyebrow raised at the open notebook in his lap. "I see you've done very well in keeping this to yourself."</p>
<p>"Fuck off," Virgil growled. "Why didn't you tell us?"</p>
<p>"I asked them not to," Roman said, rolling his eyes and wincing.</p>
<p>"Oh, you do not look so well!" Remus said, looking Roman up and down. "Working too hard already? Really, brother, don't you know how to relax?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Roman sighed.</p>
<p>"Are either of you aware of anything that may have caused Roman's amnesia?" Logan asked with a clear of his throat. "You two knew before we did."</p>
<p>"Oh." Remus visibly deflated, glancing between Roman and Deceit. Roman frowned. Deceit seemed unphased.</p>
<p>"Remus?" Logan prompted.</p>
<p>"Uh... we might know things!" Remus waved his hands a bit. "Or we might not not not not not not know things! If we did... not not not not not not know things, we wouldn't tell you!"</p>
<p>"Remus...." Deceit buried his face in his hands.</p>
<p>"I'm confused." Patton declared, slumping into the couch cushions.</p>
<p>"We do know." Remus finally said after a glance at Deceit. "But we can't say. I mean, I could try..." he continued, but a hand flew up over his mouth when Deceit snapped his fingers, and he gave them all a pointed look.</p>
<p>"What the- Deceit, what the hell is wrong with you!" Virgil snarled, storming forward to grab Deceit's cloak. "Why aren't you letting him tell us!?"</p>
<p>"Itssss not my fault." Deceit hissed, eyes pointing at Roman. "None of you are ready for the truth. It would destroy you all from the inside out. You'll never be ready. And until you are, I am unable to let you know."</p>
<p>"Virgil, enough." Logan pulled the two sides apart, looking at Roman. Roman stared back uneasily. "Roman, do you have any idea as to what Deceit may be talking about?"</p>
<p>"No!" Roman snapped, wincing as his head throbbed again. "I don't remember anything but waking up with no memories, Logan! I only ever asked him not to tell you all I had amnesia!"</p>
<p>"I see." Logan frowned, obviously thinking. "Well, give him permission then. Let him tell us what happened. You want to know, right? You want to regain your memories?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman bit his lip, glancing down as he turned to the page of notes he'd collected about what he assumed was his past self. He didn't help out. He slept in, never left his room. He didn't like his brother. He wasn't... he hadn't been what Roman wanted to be. "No, I-I don't."</p>
<p>"What do you mean you don't?" Virgil asked incredulously, turning from where he'd been glaring at Deceit to stare at Roman. "Why wouldn't you?" Roman didn't reply.</p>
<p>"Roman..." Patton's voice shook. "What are you saying? Don't you... didn't you just say how you didn't even know who you were?"</p>
<p>"I don't want to know!" Roman burst out, shoving his notebook onto the floor. "Don't you understand that? This whole time, you've all been so surprised when I did something nice for you! All I know about who I used to be is that I didn't do the things I want to do, now! I apparently never helped you make breakfast, Patton. I never even left my room half the time, from what you've all mentioned. On top of that, I never spoke to my own brother just because we're different? What kind of honorable prince does that? What kind of person does that? I don't want to remember who I am if I don't want to be that way! I want to be better... I... I despise the person I was before all this because whoever I was wasn't good. Not good enough."</p>
<p>"Roman..." Patton was crying, and Roman hated it. "Y-you've always been good enough! Y-you..."</p>
<p>"No." Roman buried his head in his hands. "I've never been good enough. What if I never am? What if as soon as I gain my memories back, I just become that person again?"</p>
<p>"What person?" Virgil asked incredulously.</p>
<p>Roman hugged himself, staring at the floor.</p>
<p>"A person I hate."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if y'all wanted a sequel to this, I'd probably write one (probably shorter though) so let me know!</p>
<p>Sorry, I haven't gotten to many requests recently, things have just been hectic. I'll try my best to get to them!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. A Person I Was</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted February 9, 2020</p>
<p>Warnings: amnesia, self-hatred, mentions of suicide attempt, depression, mental health shiz, sickness mention</p>
<p>Second part to 'A Person I Hate'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a week since the others found out about Roman's amnesia. A week since he told them how he felt about who he'd been before. A week since he discovered Deceit and Remus knew what had happened.</p>
<p>And now Roman was starting to realize what had happened, as well.</p>
<p>He kept having dreams - nightmares - and every night he woke up in terror, only to realize that he was safe and comfortable in his bed.</p>
<p>At first, he couldn't remember the nightmares very well. But after having them at least once a night for the past week, he was starting to hold onto the details.</p>
<p>That's why he was standing outside his brother's door, heart pounding as he held a hand over the doorknob.</p>
<p>He didn't want to know.</p>
<p>Did he?</p>
<p>The conflicting feelings from the dreams and himself were infuriating. The dreams that showed him hating himself more than he thought possible, the dreams that told him why he knew that sides couldn't die.</p>
<p>Roman knocked, staring at the floor when Remus pulled his door open.</p>
<p>"Roman?" he asked in surprise. Roman glanced upward, shoulders falling unhappily. "Why are you here, brother?"</p>
<p>"I..." Roman swallowed thickly. "I know... I think..." Remus's gaze widened as he understood what Roman was trying to say. "I did this to myself, Remus. Why did I do this? Wh-why... why did I try to..."</p>
<p>"Roman..." Remus's hands hovered over Roman's shoulders. "You shouldn't spend too much time in the dark side. You need to leave."</p>
<p>"Why?" Roman demanded, wiping away tears angrily. "Tell me, Remus! I want to know! Okay? I want to know what made me do this to myself! Deceit can't stop you because I want to know!"</p>
<p>"Okay, okay," Remus nodded vigorously. "Just... let's go to the light side and I'll tell you."</p>
<p>"No, tell me now!" Roman grabbed his brother's arm, keeping him from leaving. "Why shouldn't I be here? How did you know what happened? What did the burnout have to do with this?"</p>
<p>"You can't stay here!" Remus yelled, sinking them both out and into the commons - which were luckily empty. Roman glared at him, though the anger and confusion and sadness seemed to ebb away.</p>
<p>"What's wrong with me?"</p>
<p>"Listen." Remus's face twisted unhappily. "I don't know everything. You... we're not one person anymore."</p>
<p>"I know that!"</p>
<p>"Listen!" Remus pushed him away, starting to pace. "You... I don't know. You belong here, and if you leave the 'light side' you get all... confused. The same thing happens to me here. So when you started hanging out with Dee more, I dunno... you freaked out."</p>
<p>"Deceit?" Roman asked, baffled. He had no recollection of being close to Deceit.</p>
<p>"You wanted to re-fuse." Remus threw his hands in the air. "You tried to kill yourself because you didn't want to exist anymore. It didn't work. So you wanted to become the King again. Because then you wouldn't exist. And to be honest, I thought it was a fun idea. Thomas would listen. The others would hate me so much. Becoming the King seemed like the best possible option."</p>
<p>"Wh-" Roman rubbed his eyes, shaking his head. "Okay?"</p>
<p>"You hadn't spoken to me in years before we tried." Remus tugged his hair in agitation. "And so we failed. It was never going to work. I don't know exactly what happened - as soon as we fused my mind went blank. Woke up a few hours later with a headache and Deceit saying you'd left the dark side and wouldn't come back."</p>
<p>"But why?" Roman collapsed onto the couch, rubbing his face tiredly. "Why did I hate myself? What on earth happened?"</p>
<p>"You like to think you can do everything," Remus said bitterly. "You don't need anyone else. You can work and work and work without rest. But you can't. And when you try, bad things happen. You get burned out. And then you hate yourself for not being a stupid robot."</p>
<p>"No." Roman shook his head, hands falling to his lap.</p>
<p>"How do you know, you can't remember!"</p>
<p>"No, I mean..." Roman sighed. "You're right. That's how... I was. I guess. But now... I don't feel like that now. I just want to be the best I can be, but I understand that the others care. Did I not understand that before? Why didn't I understand that before?"</p>
<p>"Remus." Roman's head shot up when Deceit appeared, and then he looked to Remus, who was paler than ever. "You need to get back."</p>
<p>"Dee-"</p>
<p>"Staying here too long will make you sick." Deceit said, ignoring Roman completely. Remus nodded, smiling weakly at Roman before sinking out, leaving Roman alone in the commons, mind racing.</p>
<p>Something he'd said just then... it made him feel better.</p>
<p>He didn't have to be the person he used to be - even if he remembered it.</p>
<p>And with that thought, it all came rushing back.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>TADA!!!! I think that's a pretty good ending, if I do say so myself. I couldn't resist writing creativitwins and teasing Roceit lmaooo. </p>
<p>anyways, I'm back for now and I'd love to see some requests on the 'About Requests' chapter. I might not write em, but I'd love to see them!</p>
<p>Love you all, stay safe,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Garden</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted February 11, 2020</p>
<p>WARNINGS: angst (duh), possible U!light sides, turning to stone, self-hatred, feeling worthless, crying, mentions of nudity (maybe? like once cuz Remus), brotherly creativitwins, panic attack</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus wasn't supposed to go into his brother's garden. He had his own garden, full of thorns and naked statues and rivers of toxic chemicals. No, his brother's garden was off-limits.</p>
<p>But Roman hadn't been around for over a week now. It's not like he'd know or care if Remus went into the garden, just to see what it was like. And the other sides didn't have to know, either. It was the middle of the night, they were all asleep.</p>
<p>Remus wasn't supposed to go into his brother's garden, but Remus didn't really care.</p>
<p>He hummed to himself as he reached the gate - more like a door as the fence was taller than any tree Roman might have inside. He was really secretive about that stupid garden. What could possibly be inside?</p>
<p>It was easy to pick the lock and slip inside, and Remus's eyes widened when he did so.</p>
<p>It was... beautiful. He wasn't really one for beauty, no, but this wasn't Roman's kind of beauty.</p>
<p>The plants were all shriveled, brown or black, and dying. Barely anything was green except for Remus himself as he wandered through the crippled ecosystem. Why did Roman care so much about this garden and then let it die? That was just plain weird.</p>
<p>The more he looked, the more confused Remus got.</p>
<p>What must have been statues were now just piles of rubble, as if smashed by a giant hammer or a meteor? All but one.</p>
<p>Remus paused as he reached the center of the garden, where even the grass had burned away and left a cracked dirt surface in its place.</p>
<p>Where the only thing left was a stone bench.</p>
<p>And a stone person.</p>
<p>Now, at first glance, it might appear to be a statue like the rest.</p>
<p>But Remus was all too familiar with this kind of stone person.</p>
<p>The person was sitting on the bench, a forlorn expression on its face, detailed so carefully that you'd have to think it was actually a person sitting there.</p>
<p>The person was Roman.</p>
<p>Suddenly, the state of the garden made sense. The dead plants, crumbled structures, and cracked dirt. The circle of destruction with Roman in the center.</p>
<p>The only thing that didn't make sense was the fact that Remus didn't know this could happen.</p>
<p>Sure, he'd seen Deceit turn to stone before. And Virgil had, once or twice before he left. And Remus had frozen plenty of times.</p>
<p>But he didn't know the others turned to stone, too.</p>
<p>"Roman?" Remus tilted his head, rocking on the balls of his feet. "You in there, broski?"</p>
<p>No response. He must have fully turned to stone at least a day ago, or he'd still be able to move a little bit.</p>
<p>"Oh, Roooman!" Remus laughed, dancing around as he approached his brother. "I'm in your garden! Aren't you so incredibly upset at me? Don't you wanna explode into a bunch of tiny pebbles and kill me on impact? Oh, I betcha do! Go for it! I'm ready to be destroyed!"</p>
<p>Still nothing.</p>
<p>"You in there?" Remus tapped Roman's head lightly. "Oh, I think you are! You just can't do anything because you're made of STONE! HA!"</p>
<p>The lack of response was starting to get boring. Remus pouted, sitting cross-legged on the ground in front of Roman.</p>
<p>How did they usually turn back from being made of stone?</p>
<p>Well, when Deceit became stone, Remus just put on a bunch of philosophy podcasts and hung out with him in the common room. Soon enough, he'd always come back. With Virgil, they'd always sit with him and discuss the upsides to anxiety. When it was Remus's turn, Virgil and Deceit - now just Deceit - would read his notebook aloud and comment on what they liked about the ideas and stories within.</p>
<p>So how to turn Roman back into his usual fleshy self?</p>
<p>"I dunno if you want a podcast," Remus complained, shoulders falling. "And you already know what the upsides to being you are - just look at you! You get to be the best part of us! So that won't help. And I don't know where you hide your notebooks - you sneak."</p>
<p>Roman, unsurprisingly, didn't respond.</p>
<p>Remus sighed and got to his feet.</p>
<p>"I'll be back, brother," he promised. "And you can bet that I'll get you back to your irritating self in no time! Tomorrow night we're gonna have a Disney Karaoke Party!"</p>
<p>Roman stayed silent, and Remus hated to leave to his own dark bedroom, knowing that his brother was alone in that garden.</p>
<p>It had been obvious to him that no one else had entered the garden for a long time.</p>
<p>And that was going to piss him off.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Oh, don't be such a spoilsport!" Remus teased, trying to balance the pink sparkly microphone in Roman's hands. As they were clenched in his lap, it was hard to get at a good angle. "I'm putting in the Brother Bear soundtrack next! It's our theme music!!"</p>
<p>No response and Remus sighed. He'd been at it for hours, playing music and asking Roman trivia questions and even singing along to some of the best songs. He hadn't even made gross parodies of them! But it didn't seem to have any effect on Roman's mental state.</p>
<p>"Did you fall asleep on me?" Remus asked curiously. "Can you sleep as stone? Would you die? Or would you go into a coma? Ooh, what if you're astral projecting right now! You should haunt Patton! I bet he'd get freaked out if your ghost appeared in the kitchen!"</p>
<p>Roman didn't move, and no cracks appeared on his stone prison, but after a few moments, Remus felt something drip onto his hand.</p>
<p>"EW!" he shrieked, only to look up and see that tears were running down Roman's stone face, darkening the stone. Upon closer inspection, Remus realized that there were literal tracks eroded into the stone from where Roman had cried previously.</p>
<p>"Uh, you're gonna get a dent in your face," Remus said uneasily, wiping the tears away with his sleeve. "You don't wanna have a dent in your face, do you? If ya keep crying, you're gonna create the grand canyon times two! Then how am I supposed to get you back?"</p>
<p>This did nothing to stop the flow of water from Roman's blank eyes. If anything, it started to get worse.</p>
<p>"Roman, please!" Remus snapped, trying his best to stop the tears from rolling down the same way. "You're gonna hurt yourself! I-I don't like this anymore. This isn't fun. You aren't supposed to be stone this long... stop it!"</p>
<p>Panic started to work its way into Remus's head.</p>
<p>What if he didn't get Roman back?</p>
<p>What if Roman sat here and eroded away, with no-one checking on him or trying to get him back.</p>
<p>What if Roman faded, and a new creativity was created, and Remus wasn't needed anymore? Would he fade? Or explode? Or get sucked into the ground like quicksand?</p>
<p>What if Remus never got to tease Roman again? What if Roman never defeated another of his evil plots, or they never got to have their yearly sleepover on Halloween again, or Remus never got to gross him out with the Christmas present he'd been planning?</p>
<p>What if Roman never woke up?</p>
<p>"Roman, please!" Remus demanded, stepping away from his brother fearfully. "Please please please stop crying! I don't want you to cry - I don't want you to be a statue anymore! Sure, I thought about drawing a mustache on you a few times, but I didn't do it! I was just trying to help you!"</p>
<p>Remus sank to his knees, worry flashing through his mind.</p>
<p>"Did I ruin it? Did I hurt you more? I shouldn't have gone in your garden, Roman, I know you don't like it. I shouldn't have touched you or done anything at all! And now you might be stuck like this because of me!"</p>
<p>Remus hugged himself tightly, only to gasp and fall backward when a crack echoed through the garden.</p>
<p>The tears had stopped, and a spider webbing of fractures had spread over Roman's surface. Remus watched, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, as the stone crumbled away and Roman fell to his knees, catching himself weakly on his hands before he could faceplant.</p>
<p>"Roman!" Remus darted forward, grabbing his brother in a hug. Roman's skin still had a gray tinge, and he was colder than ice, but Remus could feel him breathing and hear his heartbeat.</p>
<p>The garden slowly restored itself, statues rebuilding and plants sprouting and stretching toward the sky. Grass spread underneath them like a carpet, and Remus heard birds start to sing again.</p>
<p>"Wh-why are you in here?" Roman rasped after a moment, though he made no move to push Remus away like he usually would.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Remus whimpered. "I just wanted to see your garden, and I didn't think you'd find out, and I know you don't want me in here but I just-"</p>
<p>"But you came back." Roman did pull away now, sitting weakly on his heels and staring at Remus in amazement. "You saw me like this and you saw my garden destroyed and you left. But you came back."</p>
<p>"I told you I would!" Remus scoffed. "We did karaoke, remember?"</p>
<p>"Yeah." Roman smiled sadly, rubbing his eyes. "None of the others came back."</p>
<p>Remus froze, eyes widening in horror as he realized what Roman had said.</p>
<p>So the others did know about Roman's mental state. They knew he'd turned to stone over a week ago and that his garden was destroyed. They'd known, and they hadn't cared.</p>
<p>"I'll kill them!" Remus snarled, getting to his feet. "I'll run a spike right through them! I'll-"</p>
<p>"Rem," Roman grabbed his arm, pulling him back to the ground. "Stop."</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"It's not worth it." Roman murmured, head hanging. "I know they don't really care about me. That I'm just... useful. And that's-"</p>
<p>"No!" Remus pulled Roman into a tight hug again, scowling. "That's not okay! I mean, I hate you and I still care about you!"</p>
<p>"I know," Roman said in awe. Remus frowned and sat back, raising an eyebrow. "Do you know why I woke up, Remus?"</p>
<p>"Uh..." Remus shrugged. "I didn't know what to do. Deceit likes podcasts, and Virgil just likes chatting, and I like hearing critiques of my stories..."</p>
<p>"I realized you cared," Roman said brokenly. "Once a side turns to stone, the only way to turn back is for them to realize that someone cares about them."</p>
<p>"Oh." Remus made a face. "Who made up that rule?"</p>
<p>"I did." Roman laughed. "Or, we did. Ages ago, before the split. Remember?"</p>
<p>"Oh yeah," Remus said thoughtfully. "I mean, I don't remember. But that makes sense I guess." Roman laughed sadly, leaning tiredly on Remus's shoulder.</p>
<p>"God, I'm exhausted."</p>
<p>"Well, you aren't going back to the light sides!" Remus declared, wrapping him in a hug. "They're mean! We're gonna hang out here until you feel better and then we're gonna go scalp them all!"</p>
<p>"We aren't gonna hurt them."</p>
<p>"...we're gonna prank the heck out of them all!" Remus amended, to which Roman actually laughed.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I can live with a few pranks." he agreed. "But first, I need to take a nap."</p>
<p>"Okey dokey!" Remus pushed Roman down onto the soft grass. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything to your garden. Cross my heart and eat my eyes."</p>
<p>"Awesome." Roman rolled his eyes, then sighed and closed them, drifting off to sleep.</p>
<p>Remus stayed until he woke up, unable to shake the fear of finding him gray and lifeless once again.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And That's THAT! Whadda ya think? Idk what to write here.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Walk-in</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted February 27, 2020</p>
<p>WARNINGS: self-harm, blood, slightly graphic descriptions of blood (even though my dumb ass wasn't supposed to write that anymore), self-hatred, blood loss, open ending (but Roman doesn't die he just passes out I just didn't wanna write anymore so I ended it), crude language (thanks, Remus), and a buncha angst</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ugh, what was he doing? Roman closed his eyes, hugging himself tightly. What was he ever doing? Nothing. Nothing helpful, anyway. Nothing right. He couldn't do anything right - and everyone else knew it.</p>
<p>He just wanted it to stop, he wanted everything to just stop!</p>
<p>
  <em>You know a way to make it stop</em>
</p>
<p>No, he didn't know a way to make it stop. Shut up. If that worked it would have stopped by now.</p>
<p>
  <em>A car doesn't need gas once in its life.</em>
</p>
<p>That's not the same - just shut up!</p>
<p>Roman growled under his breath, opening his eyes to glare at his reflection. The reflection glared back, unsurprisingly.</p>
<p>He wanted all of this to stop. If even for a moment. For just a single second. He wanted to stop thinking about everything he'd done wrong.</p>
<p>Ugh, he'd been sitting here thinking about it for almost an hour. He either had to do it or do something else because he was going to go insane if he stayed like this.</p>
<p>
  <em>Do it.</em>
</p>
<p>Roman lurched off his bed, pulling off his shirt and summoning a blade. Before thinking of anything else, he brought the blade to his arm - at the inside just below the elbow.</p>
<p>
  <em>Do it</em>
</p>
<p>He shouldn't be doing this</p>
<p>
  <em>Do it</em>
</p>
<p>This didn't help anything</p>
<p>
  <em>Do it</em>
</p>
<p>This never helped anything</p>
<p>
  <em>Do it!</em>
</p>
<p>Why was he doing this?</p>
<p>
  <em>Do It!</em>
</p>
<p>Roman just wanted everything to stop.</p>
<p>
  <em>Do i-</em>
</p>
<p>"Oh, Romaaaan!" The door flew open and Roman jumped, gasping in pain when the blade cut deeper than he'd intended and sent a spurt of blood onto the floor. "...Roman?" Roman clamped a hand over the cut and sighed. Remus.</p>
<p>"Ugh, what do you want?" Roman glared over at his brother, who was standing in the doorway with a smile half frozen on his face. "Don't you have someone else you could terrorize?"</p>
<p>"What are you doing?" Remus asked softly, closing the door.</p>
<p>Roman stared at him, blinking stupidly for a moment as he felt blood leak between his fingers. Oh, shit, he'd really screwed up this time. That was a bad cut - he didn't want to cut that deep.</p>
<p>"I knew you were stupid." he finally scoffed. "But it's kinda obvious what I'm doing. Why aren't you joining in? I thought you liked blood."</p>
<p>"Th- I- okay-" Remus sighed, shoulders falling. "I do like blood. But that's not the same! Why... holy orgy, that's too much of it!"</p>
<p>"Wh-" Roman looked down, grimacing at the red staining his skin. "Okay, yeah, probably."</p>
<p>"Give me that." Remus snatched the blade away, summoning bandages that - while they were stained in places - were dry and clean. "Of all the- what did you think was going to happen? You put a knife right next to your blood straws and expected to be OKAY?"</p>
<p>"Blood straws?" Roman was sure that wasn't what they were called, but he felt too exhausted to correct it.</p>
<p>"Whoa- stay with me." Remus caught Roman before he could tip over, resting him against the bed as he finished bandaging him up. "Great bellybutton lint, Roman. What were you thinking?"</p>
<p>"A lot," Roman whispered, forcing his eyes to stay open and glancing at Remus's sympathetic expression. "Everything was just... so much. I..."</p>
<p>"I understand." Remus sighed, sitting next to him and wrapping an arm around Roman's shoulders. "But please... I uhm.... I guess you don't like me very much. But please tell me when you're thinking too much next time, first."</p>
<p>"I don't hate you," Roman mumbled, head dropping onto Remus's shoulder. He was so tired.</p>
<p>"R-Roman?" Remus pulled away and Roman fell after him, eyes slipping shut. "ROMAN!"</p>
<p>He was so tired.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So many creativitwins requests! I LOVE creativitwins, though, so I'm NOT complaining! Lemme know what you thought, and feel free to leave a request on the first chapter. I can't guarantee I'll write it, but I'll do my best!</p>
<p>Mental Health Check-In: well I'm doing pretty okay. I wasn't supposed to write graphic self-harm, though, so that's why this took so long to write. cuz I had to keep taking breaks. but I've been doing way better! I've only cut like once all month, which is pretty cash money, and it was just an impulse stress-induced decision after my car got a flat tire. not that it makes it healthy. But I've been doing better on that front. &lt;3</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Odd one Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted March 12, 2020</p>
<p>WARNINGS: mentions of self-harm, mentions of abuse, scars, self-hatred, past abusive relationships, believing one deserved abuse, mentions of rape/sexual abuse, violence, protective DLAMP, all sides are sympathetic, unsympathetic OC, oc is un-named, but he's a dick, food mentions, swearing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman loved his boyfriends. He really truly did. He loved Virgil's sarcasm and dark aesthetic, he loved Patton's puns and cheerful presence, he loved Logan's habit of eating plain jam and the way he could talk for hours about one thing, he adored Denzin's adorable face even though the other was insecure about it. But that was just it. Everything he loved about his boyfriends had a purpose. Had something useful. Something to add to the relationship.</p>
<p>Virgil and Logan helped keep them all thinking realistically, Patton kept things upbeat, and Denzin was not only the kindest of all of them but an amazing cook.</p>
<p>Roman, however, did nothing. Why they'd ever agreed to let him be their boyfriend, he didn't know. He was loud and obnoxious, he argued with all of them frequently, he wasn't that attractive or optimistic, and any kitchen appliance he touched was guaranteed to break in some way immediately. But still, they all continued on with their lives.</p>
<p>Patton and Denzin would cook, Logan helped arrange chore charts and get after Roman for not doing his part, Virgil would always remember to set their alarm and lock the door and write grocery lists. All Roman really did was help with shopping, sometimes. And plan random extravagant gestures that never went the way they were meant to.</p>
<p>He knew it was only a matter of time before the others came around to reality. He didn't belong with them. Five... five was a crowd. He'd known for a while now that he was the odd one out.</p>
<p>He'd always been the odd one out.</p>
<p>No one had ever wanted Roman Prince, and that was the reality of life. His parents hadn't wanted him, barely any employers wanted him, and every relationship he'd had before this one had only ended badly. He had the scars to show for it.</p>
<p>So it was no surprise to Roman when he heard the four of them talking together when he was supposedly at a job interview.</p>
<p>He <em>had</em> gone to the interview, it hadn't gone as swimmingly as he'd like, but it didn't go awfully. But they didn't know he was home yet, and Roman couldn't blame them for talking without him.</p>
<p>"-just don't understand him," Virgil said as Roman stepped inside quietly - a skill he'd learned to have during years of rocky relationships.</p>
<p>"Roman's...." Patton's voice trailed off and Roman froze, voice dying in his throat when he realized they were talking about him. He'd known this was coming.</p>
<p>"What? Patton? Spit it out!" Virgil snapped. Patton sighed.</p>
<p>"I don't know, Virgil, give me a break! It's not my fault he never talks to us!" Roman bit his lip. Is that was this was about? He'd been trying so hard the past month or so to be less annoying after Logan got upset at him. And now they were offended because of it? What was going on?</p>
<p>"Calm down," Denzin said. "There's no use arguing about it, we all know it's a problem." Roman took a silent step back, reaching for the door handle again as Logan piped up.</p>
<p>"We've known we had to do this for a long time, Patton. I'm sure everything will be fine."</p>
<p>Oh, god. Roman pulled the door open and hurried out, not caring that it was loud and obvious and they'd heard it this time. They were just going to break up with him anyway, what did it matter if he made too much noise? They'd been planning this for weeks. Months, maybe. Why hadn't they just told him sooner? He could be out of their hair and far away by now if they had.</p>
<p>"Roman?" Roman turned onto the sidewalk away from their house, not turning around to look at Virgil. "Roman!"</p>
<p>What did Virgil think he'd be able to do? Make Roman think they hadn't been talking about what an awful boyfriend he was?</p>
<p>Roman heard Virgil running and braced himself as the other approached.</p>
<p>"Roman, please just-" he was out of breath, and Roman halted to let him catch up. It was inevitable. He stared at the ground, ignoring the burning tears that rolled down his face. "Where.... Where are you going?"</p>
<p>"For a walk," Roman said softly, keenly aware of his other three loved ones approaching. He tried to show them he loved them, he really did. He was just horrible at love, and he knew it.</p>
<p>"Roman..." Virgil put a hand on Roman's shoulder and Roman flinched instinctively, all too aware of what would come next. "Whoa!" Virgil's hand flew back and his eyes widened. "It's just me, Romano."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Roman blinked away tears and glanced briefly up at all of them. "I'm trying, I really am! I wanted so badly to be a good person, but I-"</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?" Denzin demanded, stepping closer. Roman's shoulders hunched slightly. "Why are you sorry?"</p>
<p>"Because I'm not good enough!" Roman burst out, throwing his hands in the air. "I'm not good enough for anyone, much less all of you! Why would all of you give one shit about me when it's impossible for even one person to do that? Why did you do this to yourselves for so long? You could have been so much happier if you'd just told me I-"</p>
<p>"No." Roman gasped when someone - Logan of all people - embraced him tightly. This wasn't how it usually went. What was going on? God, they cuddled all the time but Logan's hug felt so nice at that moment that Roman wanted to never leave it. "I don't know who told you that, Roman, but it's wrong. Complete falsehood. All of it."</p>
<p>"Yeah, Roman..." Patton agreed softly. "We do care about you. A lot." Roman shook his head, burying his face in Logan's chest.</p>
<p>"You don't have to keep lying to me," he mumbled. "I heard you." Silence. Roman stepped back, pulling himself roughly from Logan's arms. "I heard you!" he said, a bit louder. "You can't make me think you all actually-"</p>
<p>"What did you hear?" Denzin asked, eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"I heard you talking about how weird and different I am," Roman said, staring at the ground. "You shouldn't have forced yourselves to-"</p>
<p>"Roman, we don't think that!" Patton insisted, sounding close to tears himself. Roman winced, feeling awful for making him sad.</p>
<p>"How could you not think that?" Roman laughed sadly, blinking tears out of his eyes. "I <em>am</em> weird, I'm not good at anything, I'm just a burden to you all. I'm a burden to everyone who's ever known me, and I'm trying not to be, but I just-"</p>
<p>"Shut up Romano." Virgil surged forward to hug him, Roman's eyes widened. Virgil rarely ever instigated hugs - with anyone at all. He was too anxious for that much contact on a regular basis. "You really are an idiot if you think we don't care about you."</p>
<p>"I just..."</p>
<p>"Please just let us explain," Patton said softly. "You only heard a little part of our conversation, and we shouldn't have been talking about you behind your back, but we'll explain the context and help you understand, please Roman?"</p>
<p>Roman sighed, nodding in defeat. He'd listen, but he knew what the reality of the situation was.</p>
<p>"We were - we are worried about you," Logan explained in his soft, steady voice. "There are times when you seem to be a completely different person than the one we know, and there are times we do not understand you or your actions. We know there are things you do not talk to us about, which is distressing, but you can make that choice." Roman buried his face in Virgil's shoulder, wishing he could just vanish into nothing and leave them be. "We do care about you, Roman. Though I do not know why you think we don't, or why you are so afraid to open up."</p>
<p>"See, it does bother you," Roman said, not lifting his head.</p>
<p>"Not in a way that would diminish our feelings for you, Roman. It does not make us love you less, only worry for you more. We cannot make you explain yourself, and if you are certain this is not working you are free to exit our relationship, but-"</p>
<p>"What?" Virgil asked in astonishment "Logan!"</p>
<p>"What? Roman can decide for himself if he wants to be with us. There must be consent on every side." Logan maintained.</p>
<p>"Yeah, but do you really think right now is the time to be saying that?" Virgil snapped. Roman smiled sadly into Virgil's hoodie. Logan sighed.</p>
<p>"Fine. Roman, let me clarify. As of now, at this moment, I still desire to have this romantic relationship with all of you. I cannot speak for others, but I assume they will let you know if they want to end the relationship." He said, and Roman could just imagine him adjusting his glasses, and Denzin rolling his eyes dramatically.</p>
<p>"I love you." Patton offered softly, and Roman could tell he was crying.</p>
<p>"You're one of the four best things that ever happened to me." Denzin offered now, voice soft and scared, the way Roman had only heard it a few other times. "Almost nothing you do will change that."</p>
<p>"Almost?" Virgil asked incredulously.</p>
<p>"Well if he turns out to be a serial killer madman, then maybe things will change, Virgil!" Roman laughed, reaching up to wipe his eyes.</p>
<p>"I'm not a serial killer," he said softly.</p>
<p>"There we go, sounds like we're good for now." Denzin declared.</p>
<p>"Whatever, but yeah, Ro." Virgil kissed the top of his head gently. "We're not leaving you unless you want us to."</p>
<p>"Thank you." Roman pulled away from Virgil's embrace, wiping his eyes again. "I'm sorry I got upset, I'm just so... so scared that I'll lose you..."</p>
<p>"No reason to apologize, kiddo," Patton said softly, gently taking one of Roman's hands. "You can have feelings, everyone does."</p>
<p>"Wanna come back inside and we can talk over some cookies?" Virgil suggested. Roman nodded, taking a shaky breath as he went with them back into their house. He chewed his lip worriedly, wondering what he'd end up telling them.</p>
<p>They didn't know, at least not most of it. About everything that came before them, and the trial and error Roman had found time and time again to point the fault towards him. They'd seen the scars, yes. It was inevitable, but they never really asked. Just pressed gentle kisses to them, never prying as Roman would expect. Until now, of course, but perhaps that was bound to happen eventually.</p>
<p>Soon enough they were all settled into the big sectional, plates of cookies on the coffee table and tangled together in a cuddle pile.</p>
<p>"We just don't know how to help you," Patton said after a few minutes, gently running his hands through Roman's hair.</p>
<p>Roman didn't say anything, staring intently down at his cookie. What was he meant to say? He didn't know how they could help him, he was fairly certain there was nothing to be helped. Denzin had one of his hands, and gently pulled Roman's arm up to kiss the lines on his wrist. Roman smiled sadly, leaning his head back into Patton's chest.</p>
<p>"Can you please talk to us, Ro?" Virgil asked. "Just, anything. Give us something to start with, please."</p>
<p>"Start what?" Roman asked helplessly, staring up at the ceiling.</p>
<p>"Start getting those thoughts out of your head." Logan murmured. "We want to help you see how incredible you are just by being yourself. But you won't let us." Roman closed his eyes as if it would block out the words. He wasn't incredible - far from it. But he appreciated Logan's words.</p>
<p>"I'm really not incredible," he said. Patton let out a sad little whine at the words. "If I was, you four wouldn't be the first people to tell me. I'm twenty-six, that's a lot of time for someone else to let me know."</p>
<p>"The first, are we?" Denzin asked softly, kissing the back of Roman's hand gently. Roman nodded, opening his eyes again.</p>
<p>"No one ever wanted me the way you four did," he confessed, staring at the wall to avoid looking at them. "At least I don't think so. I can't find any alternative agenda from you all, not like the others. They were honest, and they were blunt, and all they wanted was..." he sighed and shook his head. "Not me, that's for certain. And they let me know it."</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry, Ro." Patton was close to tears again and Roman felt a twinge of guilt, he turned to gently kiss Patton's cheek.</p>
<p>"They were stupid," Virgil said. "They didn't know what they had when they had you, Roman. Because you're amazing, and I'm not gonna change how I feel about that."</p>
<p>"How do you know I am?" Roman asked. "Logan said himself I can be completely different people. How do you know you even know who I am?"</p>
<p>"Whatever mask you put up when you're anxious or afraid," Virgil scoffed softly. "Doesn't change the fact that you sing Disney songs super loudly when you forget I'm in the office and you think you're home alone. Or the fact that you get so distracted by something you found that you forget to finish cleaning the living room. It doesn't change your big romantic gestures when you get so freaking excited to go do whatever weird activity you have planned."</p>
<p>"Doesn't it?" Roman asked, scowling at the ceiling as Virgil gently squeezed him in a very tangled hug.</p>
<p>"Nope. Sorry, you can try and act as normal as you want and I'll always know you're my little Disney nerd."</p>
<p>"An incredible Disney nerd," Logan added.</p>
<p>"Oh shut up." Roman elbowed him, burying his face in his arms.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry we talked about you when you weren't here," Patton whispered, kissing Roman's head. "I'm sorry we made you think we didn't love you."</p>
<p>"It's..." Roman choked back another sob and shook his head. "It's not like... Like I was surprised. I know I'm basically useless at most things, and I totally understand why everyone-"</p>
<p>"Hey." Denzin took one of Roman's hands again and shook his head. "Where'd you hear all that bullshit?" Roman sighed, shrugging miserably.</p>
<p>"I dunno, everywhere, I guess..."</p>
<p>"Well I never heard it before," Denzin said firmly. "I actually heard the opposite."</p>
<p>"What, you heard I'm perfect at everything?" Roman asked bitterly. "If that was true, I'd probably have a job and good mental health by now."</p>
<p>"I heard that you're creative," Denzin sighed softly. "And kind, and selfless."</p>
<p>"Heard that you have a great singing voice," Virgil added, resting his head on Roman's. "And that you love the world around you so much, you want to help it flourish."</p>
<p>"You guys are being too nice to me," Roman mumbled into his arms. "You can't just ignore everything bad about me, you know. We fight all the time, and I can't keep a job and I can hardly finish chores. I don't fit."</p>
<p>"You fit." Patton insisted tearfully. "You do, Roman."</p>
<p>"You're trying to be something you aren't," Virgil mumbled. "And we want the real you, Roman."</p>
<p>"The real me," Roman repeated, lifting his head slightly to stare at the wall. "And who is that?"</p>
<p>"Just what I mentioned earlier." Virgil laughed. "A Disney nerd. A thespian. A drama queen. We love that about you, Roman. But... you hide it away."</p>
<p>"Why do you want that?" Roman twisted around to look at Virgil in confusion. "None of that stuff... is useful! It's worthless! Why...? Why would-"</p>
<p>"Your passions and talents," Logan's voice, tight with emotion, brought Roman's gaze over to him instead. "Are not worthless. Anyone who told you that was lying. Anyone who believes that is wrong. They make you who you are. I often wondered why you haven't pursued a career in singing or acting of some kind, you are certainly good enough." he paused, adjusting his glasses. "You are incredible."</p>
<p>"O-oh." Roman rubbed his eyes, breathing deeply. "I-I thought... or, I assumed... I didn't want to annoy you all..."</p>
<p>"You don't annoy us!" Patton cried, hugging Roman tighter.</p>
<p>"Not usually." Denzin amended. "But people get annoyed, Ro. We can get frustrated, but never about who you are."</p>
<p>"Why not?" Roman asked irritably. "What keeps you all from... resenting who I am? Or who I was? Or who I might become? Why are you so different from... why?"</p>
<p>"It'd be hypocritical." Virgil snorted. "It's not like we're perfect, either, y'know."</p>
<p>"Wh- yes you are!" Roman sat up straighter, scowling. "You're all amazing! You... you're... you all actually have something to offer!"</p>
<p>"I don't think continuing this conversation right now will help," Logan said after a beat of silence. Roman sighed, staring at the wall. "We're all obviously stressed, and I'm sure it will take more than a conversation to make you see that we are telling the truth."</p>
<p>"I know you're... honest." Roman sighed. "But what if you're wrong? About me?"</p>
<p>"Well, that's not something we can deal with right now," Logan said gently.</p>
<p>"But-"</p>
<p>"What'll we have to do to prove you're worth loving?" Denzin snapped. Roman frowned, uncertainty flooding him.</p>
<p>"I-I... I don't know."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman wasn't sure what to do. This had never happened before, really. No one had ever wanted him around so badly that they set themselves an impossible challenge. His boyfriends promised to prove he was worth it - and Roman didn't know what he'd do when the day came that they discovered he wasn't. He'd probably do what he always did. Try his best to move on.</p>
<p>He really didn't want to move on.</p>
<p>Well, he didn't have to focus on that right now. They were all at work, and he was still waiting on a response from any interviews or applications he'd gotten done. So, he was alone. Alone with his thoughts, and music, and himself.</p>
<p>Disney was always good at making him feel better, but today it just wasn't seeming to work.</p>
<p>Maybe because Roman was actively searching for flaws in himself as he stared into the bathroom mirror, yeah, but that wasn't really the point.</p>
<p>He was emotional and tended to overreact.</p>
<p>Yeah, they definitely knew about that by now.</p>
<p>He was loud when he got too excited.</p>
<p>They certainly knew that.</p>
<p>He hated himself and he didn't know why.</p>
<p>He wished he could explain that one to him without making them upset.</p>
<p>Roman tore his gaze from the mirror, idly singing along to the music as he left the bathroom. He still had an hour before anyone else was supposed to be home... god, he felt so useless. And bored. He'd already cleaned the living room - and he was banned from the kitchen so he couldn't clean that - and he just wanted to be anywhere else. Anyone else.</p>
<p>He flopped down onto the couch, staring at the ceiling before his head turned to spot a notepad on the coffee table. It was the one Virgil usually used for grocery lists or such.</p>
<p>The page it was opened to was blank, and Roman could feel his fingers itching to write something again. But he hadn't written anything for over a year now, and he'd never been good. Why did he want to write so much?</p>
<p>"Fuck this." Roman sighed, grabbing the notepad and pencil, chewing a bit on the eraser. What should he write? Nothing big - or it'd be more of a disaster. A love poem? A love letter? A regular poem, or a story? Why did he care so much - it was going to be crap either way.</p>
<p>Roman hummed idly, opting to doodle a few elaborately elegant letters as he started transferring his thoughts into words. Just a poem, then. A Dr. Suess kind of thing. For fun. As a treat.</p>
<p>He chuckled to himself, rolling over onto his stomach before continuing.</p>
<p>He'd have to remember to throw the paper away before anyone saw it, but it really was therapeutic to finally write again. If his boyfriends knew he used to write, they'd probably get all worried and panicky about him again and insist he write something for them so they could tell him how good it was. And that wouldn't end well at all.</p>
<p>He didn't want them to force themselves to compliment him. He didn't want them to even know how much he hated himself. It was too late for that, apparently, but that couldn't stop him from trying to hide it. Maybe it would be better if he broke up with them and moved to Alaska.</p>
<p>No, Alaska was cold. He'd move to Hawaii or something.</p>
<p>Roman laughed sadly, chewing on the pencil again as his eyes skated over the few lines he'd written. Not his best, but he was rusty.</p>
<p>As if he could break up with them. They were the best people he'd ever met, and he'd never broken up with anyone before. He'd just have to wait for them to leave him, instead.</p>
<p>If only they weren't so stubborn. They had to see that Roman wasn't good enough. They had to realize that he was a burden and that he wasn't good for anything. They had to - so why did they deny it?</p>
<p>Roman groaned, faceplanting into the notepad.</p>
<p>That was the thing. The thing he didn't understand. Logan was smart, Virgil was brutally honest, why didn't they at least know he was hopeless? It made sense that Patton wouldn't want to say anything. He was too nice. And Denzin... well, Denzin didn't have a reason to lie either.</p>
<p>So why was it so hard to believe them?</p>
<p>"...you good there Princey?"</p>
<p>Roman yelped, tumbling off the couch as he jerked upward. How long had he been spacing out? Too long, apparently. Virgil was home, standing above Roman with an eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"Oh, hey." Roman sat up, rubbing his head. "Sorry, just zoning out. How was work?"</p>
<p>"It was work." Virgil shrugged, holding out a hand. Roman accepted it, stumbling to his feet. "What were you doing?"</p>
<p>"Contemplating life." Roman dropped the pencil onto the coffee table, glancing warily at the small paragraph he'd scribbled down as he thought about all his flaws. Oh, he really hoped Virgil didn't -</p>
<p>"What's this?" Virgil reached for the notepad, only to hesitate as he made out the words. "Ro..."</p>
<p>"It's just..." Roman sighed, looking at the floor. "I got bored, sorry. It's just a stupid thing."</p>
<p>"Wh- okay," Virgil picked up the notepad, reading through it again. "First of all, it's not stupid. It's sweet. You're a good writer."</p>
<p>Roman said nothing, just looked at Virgil thoughtfully. Virgil met his eyes and frowned.</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"Why..." Roman shook his head. "I don't get how... you love to be brutally honest, Vee. Why can't you just tell me the truth?"</p>
<p>"What the hell are you talking about?" Virgil asked. "I did, I said the poem was sweet. I didn't know you could write."</p>
<p>"I can't." Roman pulled the notepad away, ripping the page out and tearing it in half. Virgil's eyes widened. "I'm shit, and I know it. Please just tell me how you actually feel about me, Virgil."</p>
<p>"Roman-"</p>
<p>"Please." Roman's throat tightened and he closed his eyes. "No one else is here. I don't care. I know you hate me, and-"</p>
<p>"You do care." Virgil put his hands on Roman's shoulders. "And you know it." Roman bit his lip. "And I'm being brutally honest with you when I say that I love everything about you. Even the things I don't know about yet. I know you don't believe me, but I'm not going to lie and hurt you like that."</p>
<p>"Sorry." Roman's shoulders slumped. Virgil sighed.</p>
<p>"Don't be."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman was starting to get confused.</p>
<p>So far he'd confronted Logan, Virgil, and Denzin individually and asked why they lied. All of them swore they hadn't, with varying degrees of frustration.</p>
<p>It had been... too long. Too long for this stupid experiment to still be going. Roman hadn't gotten the job. Or the next one. Or the next one. He was still useless. Still a burden. Yet still, his boyfriends refused to admit that he was what he was.</p>
<p>He had no idea how to get them to see the truth.</p>
<p>But that was the least of his worries right now.</p>
<p>Patton wanted to go to the mall. Okay, that wasn't new. Roman obviously had nothing else to do. That was fine.</p>
<p>What wasn't fine was the person they ran into there.</p>
<p>"Well, if it isn't Roman Prince." a voice sneered, the person's hand snagging Roman's elbow and halting him. Roman froze, dread curling in his gut, and he let Patton's hand slip from his.</p>
<p>"Ro?" Patton turned, frowning at the sight of another man standing behind him, a bruising hold still on Roman's elbow. "Who are you?"</p>
<p>"Oh, managed to find another boyfriend?" Roman's ex chuckled, pulling Roman around roughly to look at him. "Didn't see that one coming - I thought you were gonna kill yourself, princey. What happened to that plan?"</p>
<p>"I-"</p>
<p>"Shut up." he pushed Roman roughly backward and Roman stumbled, tears burning his eyes. His ex turned to Patton, rolling his eyes. "You'd probably be better off without him, you know."</p>
<p>"Shut up!" Patton snapped, narrowing his eyes. Roman winced, glancing warily at his ex, who just laughed.</p>
<p>"Or what? Are you gonna punch me? You look even weaker than he does, actually. Should have known that two pathetic sluts would find each-" Roman's eyes widened when Patton surged forward, punching him in the mouth. Roman's ex stumbled back, doubled over in pain.</p>
<p>"P-Patton-"</p>
<p>"Never talk to Roman again!" Patton hissed, grabbing the guys shirt and glaring into his eyes. "Never even think about him again! You never deserved him, but you deserved a lot more than one little punch."</p>
<p>"Wh-what the hell?" Roman's ex pulled away, stemming the flow of blood from his split lip. "You're crazy! Both of you!"</p>
<p>"Why did you do that?" Roman asked once the guy was gone, and Patton was turning to him with a worried expression. Roman's elbow throbbed. That guy always held onto him too tight - it was going to bruise. "He could have hurt you, Patt, I-"</p>
<p>"He deserved it." Patton insisted, pulling Roman into a gentle hug. "I'm so sorry, Roman." Roman winced guiltily as he realized Patton was crying. "I'm so sorry you have to deal with people like him."</p>
<p>"It's not your fault," Roman mumbled. "And it doesn't matter."</p>
<p>Patton hiccoughed, pulling back to look at Roman with tear-filled eyes. Roman winced.</p>
<p>"Wh-what did he do to you...?" Patton whispered helplessly.</p>
<p>Roman looked down at his arm, where the bright red marks were turning to a bruise already.</p>
<p>And in that context, in a brightly lit mall, with Patton teary-eyed in front of him, Roman idly wondered if his boyfriends had been telling the truth all along.</p>
<p>Maybe he hadn't deserved to be hurt after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There ya go. now I want Oreos. its been a day, but I'm glad I finally churned out an ending for this! I started writing it AGES AGO but y'all really wanted Romangst so I managed to get it done lmaoooo</p>
<p>feel free to leave a request! (I'm all out of original ideas rn) on the chapter titles 'about requests' and I'll try to get to it!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Misunderstanding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally posted March 23, 2020</p>
<p>WARNINGS: mentions of abuse, mentions of violence, injuries, PTSD, unaddressed PTSD, accidental injuries, falls, falling down the stairs, accidentally pushing someone down the stairs, sympathetic light sides, questionable Dee and Remus, food mentions, unhappy ending.</p>
<p>(y'all are caught up, so the next chapter I post will be posted on the same day both here and on wattpad)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Before the mindscape separated, and before Thomas started learning about everything, Roman didn't spend much time with the sides other than Remus. He spent time with Deceit, too, as they both enjoyed acting, and they all hung out often enough, but it was mostly just Remus and Roman in their room and the imagination.</p>
<p>Roman was glad those times were over.</p>
<p>Not that he'd... hated them, perse. Because he really did care for his brother, and they'd had a lot of adventures.</p>
<p>But Remus had a temper. Especially when they were younger. He didn't know when to stop when he got angry, and he usually ended up hurting Roman in one way or another. He didn't apologize, but it wasn't like Remus to apologize for anything. They'd move on after a bit, and it would be fine.</p>
<p>Now, Roman didn't spend much time with him. That was nice. It didn't stop him from fearing the other sides when they were angry, though. It didn't stop his nightmares or the way he hated the dark more than anything in the world. But it was fine - he was imaginary, he couldn't really get hurt anyway.</p>
<p>On top of that, living with Remus had greatly improved his reflexes, which was useful on quests and other such endeavors.</p>
<p>That was before, though.</p>
<p>Now, the mindscape was separated and Roman lived with the 'light' sides. They didn't talk much about before, and that was fine with him. Patton was nicer than anyone Roman had ever met, and while Logan had a temper that scared Roman occasionally, he was a softie, too. Virgil made Roman nervous a lot, but he liked to think they'd found an understanding with each other.</p>
<p>Especially after Virgil saved them all from being consumed by anxiety. That was nice, and it proved that Virgil wanted them to be okay. Most of their arguments were about Disney, anyway. So Roman could tell himself there was nothing to be afraid of.</p>
<p>He could tell himself a lot of things, though.</p>
<p>"Virgil, how art thou, oh emo of the night?" Roman beamed when he left his room to find Virgil already in the hallway.</p>
<p>"I'm fine," Virgil said shortly, not looking up from his phone. He seemed to be in a bad mood. But, Roman reasoned, that was no reason to be wary. Virgil was always in a bad mood!</p>
<p>"Perhaps a song will lift your spirits?" Roman threw his arm around Virgil's shoulders, and that's when he knew he'd fucked up.</p>
<p>Virgil tensed, spinning around and shoving Roman away.</p>
<p>Down the stairs.</p>
<p>Roman gasped, bracing himself as he tumbled down. He landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, mind swirling in panic. He'd done something wrong, he'd fucked up, of course, Virgil didn't mean to hurt him but if he did what would he do if Roman let anyone know? Would he hurt Roman more? Oh, no, no no no it was fine no one had seen so it was perfectly fi-</p>
<p>"Whoa! You alright there, kiddo?" Roman's eyes flew open to see Patton and Logan staring at him from the couch, and he glimpsed Virgil's pale, panicked face from the top of the stairs. Out of sight from the others.</p>
<p>"Ah, yes." Roman sat up, rubbing a bump on his head. "Simply tripped, is all." No reason to say what happened. No reason to risk making Virgil angrier. No reason to tell the truth. "I suppose I'm still a tad distracted, recently! Not to worry, dearest Patton, I'm perfectly alright!"</p>
<p>"Are you sure?" Patton helped him stand up, pulling him to the kitchen. "I'll get you an ice pack for your head, it smacked the banister pretty good there."</p>
<p>"Ah, if you insist." Roman glanced fearfully over his shoulder, to where Virgil still stood frozen at the top of the stairs. Hopefully, he hadn't made this worse.</p>
<hr/>
<p>What the fuck. What the everliving fuck. What the- what the fuck?! Virgil slid down the wall, one hand on his forehead as he tried to make sense of what happened.</p>
<p>He was pissed off at Deceit and Remus - not Roman. He had no reason to hurt Roman, he'd just snapped because of the unexpected physical contact and freaked out. He could have seriously injured the guy!</p>
<p>What the fuck.</p>
<p>Roman used to always want to villainize Virgil. He'd pin every little mishap on Virgil no matter what as if wanting a reason to make Virgil mad.</p>
<p>But now... when the blame was rightfully Virgils, Roman had lied. He'd lied through his teeth, and why? He'd just been being his usual stupid self. Virgil was the one that lost his shit for no reason and threw him down the stairs.</p>
<p>Fuck, Virgil had thrown Roman down the stairs.</p>
<p>And Roman had lied about it.</p>
<p>Maybe he should give the princely himbo a bit more credit than he did.</p>
<p>Virgil avoided the commons for the rest of the day, and while in his room, decided that if Roman didn't tell what happened, he'd just go back to normal. And be nicer to Roman as an apology. Yeah, that'd work.</p>
<p>He still felt awful about the terrified look on Roman's face when he fell, though. And the panic etched in his eyes as he lied to Patton.</p>
<p>But he'd make it better, right? He had to.</p>
<p>"Hey, Princey." Virgil slumped into a chair next to Roman for breakfast the next day, noting unhappily how Roman jumped, composure tightening as he shrunk slightly in on himself. That was... weird.</p>
<p>"O-oh, good morning!" Roman beamed, avoiding Virgil's gaze. "Did you sleep well?"</p>
<p>"As well as I usually do." Virgil shrugged, noting with a grimace that there was a bruise across Roman's forehead. Not an uncommon occurrence, as he was always getting hurt somehow, but this was Virgil's fault. So he naturally felt bad about it.</p>
<p>"Glad to see you down here!" Patton beamed from the stove. "You were in your room all afternoon!"</p>
<p>"Oh, yeah," Virgil shrugged, staring at the table. "Sorry."</p>
<p>"It's okay, I'm just glad you're feeling alright!" Patton turned back to the breakfast he was making, leaving the two of them sitting awkwardly next to each other.</p>
<p>"Is your head okay?" Virgil asked softly, unable to hide the guilt in his expression. Roman's eyes widened slightly and he nodded, forcing a wide smile. Roman knew Virgil could tell when his smiles were fake, right?</p>
<p>"Oh, yeah, just a little bump!" he reached up, gently prodding the bruise. "Nothing I can't handle, Count Woelof. Don't worry about me."</p>
<p>"Oh." Virgil nodded, managing to feel relieved. "Well, good. It'd be awful if you lost even more of your brain cells than before."</p>
<p>"Oh, very funny." Roman rolled his eyes. "I'll have you know that my brain is perfectly intact."</p>
<p>"Really?" Logan hummed, walking in with a book in hand. "That's news to me." Virgil snorted, ducking his head slightly when Roman finally met his eyes. He wanted to believe that the fear there was imagined. He wanted to believe Roman really didn't care about his mistake.</p>
<p>Besides, Roman had said it was okay. Right?</p>
<hr/>
<p>Roman would love to say he didn't avoid Virgil the next few weeks. He'd also love to say that he wasn't scared of the dark, and yet...</p>
<p>It's not that Roman was scared of Virgil, perse. But he thought it would be easier to avoid any other incidents if he avoided Virgil completely. After all, that's how he stopped Remus from lashing out at him. He moved to the light sides, and it stopped.</p>
<p>So avoiding Virgil would have to do.</p>
<p>The problem was, he couldn't avoid Virgil all the time. They had meals as a family, and movie nights, and meetings, etc. Luckily, Virgil seemed rather calm and specifically not angry, so it was fine for a while.</p>
<p>Of course, it could never last.</p>
<p>"I know, but I'm just saying-"</p>
<p>"You're just being a stupid idiot!" Virgil snapped. Roman winced, covertly inching away from the other side. "You should get it through your thick skull that things don't work like a fairy tale!"</p>
<p>"I know that." Roman insisted, fighting to keep from showing how nervous this was making him. "But maybe this time-"</p>
<p>"No!" Virgil snarled, glaring at him. "Maybe doesn't cut it, Roman!"</p>
<p>"Now kiddos, we can work this out." Patton soothed. Roman barely heard him though, flinching away from Virgil when he moved toward him, arms raised protectively. "...Roman?"</p>
<p>"Ah, apologies." Roman quickly righted himself. "I've been jumpy since a recent mission to the imagination, Padre. Nothing to worry about!"</p>
<p>"Are... are you sure?" Patton looked uneasily between him and Virgil. "Cuz that seemed... not great."</p>
<p>"Wh- are you suggesting I'm afraid of Virgil?" Roman forced a laugh, rolling his eyes. "Why on earth would I be afraid of him?"</p>
<p>"You have been avoiding him for a few weeks now." Logan pointed out. Roman grimaced, slowly looking over. "You think we didn't notice? What is going on with you two?"</p>
<p>"Nothing!" Roman insisted, terror rising as he wondered what Virgil would do if he told the truth. Would he care? Would he be angry? Would he hurt Roman again? He had no idea, and he wasn't going to risk it.</p>
<p>"Cut the crap, Princey!" Virgil sighed. Roman spun around to stare at him. "I didn't mean to push you, alright? Is that what this is? You're just holding a grudge, or whatever?"</p>
<p>"N-no, of course not!" Roman stepped away from him, swallowing thickly. "You don't need to apologize, I-"</p>
<p>"What the fuck are you talking about?" Virgil threw his hands in the air and Roman flinched. Virgil's eyes widened. "Dude, I'm not gonna hurt you."</p>
<p>"I-I know that." Roman cleared his throat, avoiding anyone's eyes. "Can we please get back to-"</p>
<p>"Please tell us what's going on, kiddo." Patton pleaded. "Virgil, d'you know what this is about?"</p>
<p>"I... maybe?" Virgil groaned. Roman looked at him, baffled. "A few weeks ago Roman fell down the stairs, right?" Patton nodded. "Well, I accidentally pushed him, but before I could do anything he lied about it and I didn't know what to do."</p>
<p>What was Virgil doing? What was going on? Roman looked between him and Patton, who looked conflicted.</p>
<p>"And since then, he's been avoiding me. I didn't mean to hurt you, Roman. You know that."</p>
<p>"Uh, yeah..." Roman shrugged helplessly. "I... I know that, Virgil. Of course, it wasn't on purpose, it's never on purpose, I-"</p>
<p>"Wh- I never hurt you!" Virgil cried defensively, shrinking away. Roman grimaced, cursing himself.</p>
<p>"I didn't mean you, Vee, I just meant-"</p>
<p>"Who hurts you?" Patton asked tearfully, tugging on his cardigan.</p>
<p>Roman sighed, closing his eyes. How was he supposed to explain all of this? He hadn't lived with Remus for years - how was he supposed to explain the fear he felt whenever someone was angry? It was stupid and completely unfounded.</p>
<p>"No one hurts me," he said slowly, walls flying up before he could even attempt to find something else to say. "It's a misunderstanding, I swear. I'm not afraid of anyone, or anything, and I don't want to continue this conversation."</p>
<p>And with that, Roman sunk out to his bedroom where he fell onto his bed and sobbed, fear and confusion gripping his mind, and he didn't know what to do.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>dyou want a sequel? idk if I'll write one but I might if I feel like it lol</p>
<p>please leave requests on the chapter titled "about requests" I dunno if I'll write them, but I'm more likely to write a request if it's there!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Misunderstanding: Part two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>wow y'all really wanted a sequel to that one lol.</p>
<p>WARNINGS: abuse mentions, PTSD, morally gray Remus, sympathetic Deceit, food mentions, self-deprecation, slight paranoia</p>
<p>Enjoy</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Virgil had no idea what to do. Roman hadn’t left his room or even spoke to anyone in almost a week - though they could all sense food being summoned a few times a day. He could feel the fear radiating off of the other side, feel the terror and insecurity that he’d never paid much attention to before. Because yeah, he’d always felt that from Roman. But he was positive it was just Roman’s insecurity, not… whatever this was. Because this was way worse than insecurity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m worried about him.” Patton whimpered, curled up on the couch with a mug of cocoa. Virgil bit his lip, unable to fight the guilt gnawing away inside him. Maybe if he’d noticed earlier that Roman truly wasn’t okay, this wouldn’t have happened. If he’d told the truth after the incident with the stairs, maybe then Roman would be alright by now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Virgil,” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil looked over when Logan put down his book.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You stated that you can feel Roman’s anxiousness, correct?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah. That’s kinda my thing.” Virgil shrugged. “I just thought it was insecurity, y’know? I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So this isn’t a new thing?” Logan clarified. Virgil shook his head regretfully. “Do you remember when it started?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Virgil frowned, thinking back. “Uh…” wow, it had… “I think it’s always… maybe… at least that I can remember.” no, there was a time just after he’d formed, when Thomas was incredibly young, that this nagging terror wasn’t in the back of his mind. “Since we were like, tiny kids. Before we separated the mindscape.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm.” Logan pursed his lips, squinting thoughtfully at the floor. Virgil frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you thinking?” he asked suspiciously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman was very close to Remus and Deceit back then.” Logan glanced up, meeting Virgil's eyes. Virgil fought the urge to hiss, instead chewing on his sleeve.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But- do you think they know about this?” Patton’s shoulders hunched unhappily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know neither of you is very fond of the others,” Logan rubbed his forehead. “And I have to say, they can be chaotic. But if they’re the key to helping Roman, I’d much rather talk to them rather than let Roman suffer any longer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, you’re right.” Virgil sighed, glaring at the floor. “But you do the talking, otherwise we won’t get anywhere.” Logan nodded, flipping his hand slightly to summon the others. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few moments later, Remus appeared behind the television - for whatever weird reason - and Deceit rose up beside the couch they were sitting on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, wasn’t this expected.” Deceit hummed, folding his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Quite a surprise if you ask me, Double Dee!” Remus cried, jumping over the tv and landing in a heap on the floor. “</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to talk,” Logan said, adjusting his tie. “About before the split.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A beat of silence followed, during which Remus sat up and combed his hair back, looking around the room once more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s Roman?” he asked after noting that his brother was indeed missing. Virgil felt a sudden spike of anxiety from him, quickly quenched by Remus’s usual mess of emotions. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s what we need to talk about.” Logan nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What, accusing us of kidnapping him?” Deceit rolled his eyes. “He made his choice with the rest of you, Logan. And he has that sword, why would-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, not that.” Logan sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He…” Patton’s voice cracked and he stared at the floor. “He’s acting weird.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Weirder than usual?” Remus chuckled to himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The signs point to some kind of PTSD,” Logan said, drawing all eyes to himself. Well, Virgil would have liked to work up to it, but he knew Logan didn’t beat around the bush. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you think… we have something to do with this?” Deceit bristled, looking furious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you may know more than we do,” Logan said calmly. “Virgil has informed me that these levels of anxiety in Roman have been around since before the split, and we thought you may know more than we do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And his symptoms, dr. Logan?” Deceit sneered, rolling his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am not a doctor, you know this.” Logan sighed in frustration. “Roman seems afraid of us when we are angry, believing that we will injure him. He refuses to admit he’s ever been hurt or afraid, despite the obvious lie. After an incident where he was accidentally injured-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… pushed him down the stairs,” Virgil spoke up softly, shoulders hunching guiltily. “On accident, of course, but he surprised me, and then lied about it, and…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He has continued to avoid Virgil and has been much jumpier when we argue.” Logan nodded. “When we asked him about it, he denied it all and has been in his room ever since.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you accusing us of hurting Roman during childhood?” Deceit snapped, eyes narrowed. “You know I would never do such a thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you know nothing of previous trauma that could-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil’s head swiveled to Remus, who had been uncharacteristically quiet as the others spoke. He was staring at his hands, fiddling with what looked like a small skeleton of some kind of animal. The rush of nervousness was back, radiating from Remus more than Virgil had ever felt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Care to elaborate?” Logan asked gently. Remus grimaced, waving a hand and sending the skeleton away before tugging his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess I better.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman’s thoughts were usually jumbled in some way or another, but that was nothing compared to this. He was terrified, and he couldn't stop thinking about what would happen when he next left his room. Would they send him back to live with Remus? Would they think he was stupid? Had they already moved his room out of the lightscape and he just didn’t notice? What was going to happen?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hated this. He hated being so scared - and he hated the fact that the other sides had noticed. He couldn't do this. He couldn't stand to lose them. That was why he hadn’t left his room. He could just postpone the inevitable backlash, and then-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Brother Bear, you in here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman tensed at the voice outside his door. Remus didn’t sound angry, but what if he was pretending? Why was he here? Was Roman on the dark side of the mindscape? Was Remus on the light side? Why was-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, love, please talk to us.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit? Oh, no. Roman was in the dark side for sure, why else would they both be here? They’d sent him away because he was so fucked up, oh god, what would Thomas think? Roman hugged himself tightly, pressing himself deeper into the corner he was sitting in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, he’s freaking out now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>...why was Virgil here? What the heck was going on?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I knew this was a bad idea, why did we think you’d make him feel anything but-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Virgil, breathe.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bro-bro, listen.” Remus sighed. “I fucked up, and I know apologizing doesn’t fix it. The problem is, I’ve never apologized before, so that makes it worse.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stayed silent, blinking back confused tears as he stared at his door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Basically, I’m gonna say sorry and get outta here.” Remus chuckled. “Sorry for… uh, everything. Not gonna get into the nitty-gritty specifics, cuz Logan says that’ll probably make you feel worse, but yeah. Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- wait.” Roman blurted, voice cracking as he moved over to the door. “Why…” what was he doing? What was he even trying to ask? “Why are you apologizing?” Remus had never apologized for anything in his life. Why would he apologize for things he hadn’t even meant to do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… I’m pretty sure you’re aware that I’m a disgusting jerk.” Remus said slowly. Obviously he hadn’t thought Roman would reply. Which was fair. Roman hadn’t spoken to anyone for a week. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman bit his lip, leaning against the door. He had no idea what to do, once again. The rules didn’t make sense anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It used to be that if someone was angry, Roman got hurt, and that was that. After the split, it had taken a long time to get over that. In fact, he wasn’t over it. That much was obvious from what happened with Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“W-well,” Roman rubbed tears away. “Apology accepted, I guess.” Remus laughed lightly, and Roman felt him sink out. So he wasn’t on the dark side right now. That was… good. But why were Deceit and Remus here, anyway?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman,” Deceit spoke up now and Roman tensed. “No one is upset at you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“O-oh.” Roman couldn't help but let out a sob of relief, clamping his eyes shut. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we open the door, kiddo?” Patton asked gently. “I wanna hug you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Against his better judgment, Roman moved away and opened the door, facing away from them all. He was immediately enveloped in one of Patton’s hugs. God, how much he’d missed those hugs the past week. Patton was so warm and he smelled like cookies and memories. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Roman mumbled after a few minutes, pulling away to wipe tears away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you apologizing?” Logan asked, helping him to his feet. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry for making you guys worry.” Roman rolled his eyes. “I’m stupid, and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not stupid.” Virgil sighed, tugging his hood up. “You’re traumatized. And we’re gonna help you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- no I’m not!” Roman stepped back, eyes wide. “What are you-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus told us, Roman.” Patton tugged at the sleeves of his cardigan. “We never meant to scare you, and we want to help you feel better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Roman’s shoulders slumped. “I can deal with it myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Falsehood.” Logan folded his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“In this situation, I must agree.” Deceit hummed. “The truth will be more beneficial, Roman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, fuck. If Deceit was saying to tell the truth, that was a pretty big sign that it was what Roman needed to do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Roman rubbed his eyes again, taking a shuddering breath. “But unlike me, the truth ain’t pretty.” Virgil snorted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You make up for it,” he said softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t we go get some cookies?” Patton hooked his arm in Roman’s. “Then we can talk, sound good kiddo?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d best go check in on Remus.” Deceit stepped back from the group. “And I will not return!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dork,” Virgil muttered as Deceit sunk out. Roman laughed sadly, leaning on Patton’s shoulder. “C’mon, Princey. We’ve got cookies to eat.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yee, and that's the end! I Will be posting more, hopefully, I've just been in a weird mindset with my routine and schedule fucked up by quarantine. But I'll be okay!</p>
<p>Feel free to leave a request on the request chapter!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Used To Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hey guys! Sorry, it's been a while, I've just had a weird mental state with the quarantine. This isn't a request, but I promise I'm working on them! This is something I thought of last night and just finished! :) hope you like!</p>
<p>WARNINGS: past character death, major character death, car crash, PTSD, flashbacks, panic attacks, food mentions, self-deprecation, self-hatred, suicidal ideation, angst, blood, graphic details of car crash/death</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman used to love the sun. The outdoors, ice cream in the summer, snowball fights. Classic childhood things, things that brought a smile to his face and made him breathless with joy. Things that would be considered the stereotypical happy memories. Things that he would do with his brothers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now, though, it was different. He was different. The world was different. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn't stand to sit outside in the sun for more than a few minutes, knowing that there should be others there beside him sharing the moment. He despised mint chocolate chip ice cream, the kind the oldest of the three brothers would buy for the twins as they walked home from the pool in the summer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He discarded bright t-shirts and loud laughs, blocking himself into isolation with poems and dimly lit rooms and plain clothes that didn’t remind him of anything. Music that told him his feelings weren’t unheard of, words that explained how he felt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything was different, after that awful sunny summer day. On the way home from the pool. Laughing and joking as they flicked melting ice cream at each other. Everything was different after Roman was meant to die.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because he was. Supposed to be dead. That’s how it worked. Three teenagers get hit by a car, and they die. Not two of them. Not one of them instantly, and then the other after a week of being in pain, and the third not even needing surgery. No, they should all be dead. But, for some goddamn reason, Roman wasn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, he swore off the contradictions that made him think of what he missed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He heard the whispers of his peers. Of how he was depressed, how he was emo and did drugs (he didn’t). How he’d pushed his brothers in the road, even (completely false). He heard the worried murmurs of his parents. Of how he was struggling in school. How his entire being had changed in that one instance (it had). How he was no longer their little boy (he… wasn’t? fuck).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was different, and he hated it. He’d hate it if he was the same, too. He just hated the fact that, somehow, he was still here while his two brothers - who deserved to live long lives much more than he did - were six feet under.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman used to hate the rain. Now, it was the only kind of weather he’d go outside in. Rain, and maybe clouds. Whenever it rained, Roman went on walks. He’d walk by the pool, wishing his brothers were on either side of him. He’d walk by the spot, and he’d stand and stare at the cars passing by, wondering if he could manage to get in front of one and die. But he never did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman ended most walks on the wooded walking path a few blocks away, leaning on the railing of a rickety wooden bridge above a stream. And he’d wait for the rain to stop. And then he’d go home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was on one of these walks, when Roman arrived at the bridge above the stream, that he first met Virgil Thomas. He’d seen the other around school, of course. But as Roman didn’t talk to anyone anymore, and Virgil never had, they’d never spoken. As a matter of fact, Roman didn’t think he’d ever heard the emo speak before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stopped before reaching the bridge, watching as Virgil stared down into the trickling water, rippled from the rain peppering down. Should he go home? Should he say something? He wasn’t sure. And before he could decide, Virgil turned his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two stared at each other for a long moment, each taking in the other's appearance. Roman was wearing his usual dark hoodie and jeans. That is, it had become his usual in the past few years. Virgil was wearing similar, though it was more extravagant as he was dedicated to the style. Roman just didn’t have anything left.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sup, Princey.” Virgil held up a hand, looking away. Roman blinked, surprised at the nickname. When Virgil didn’t say anything else, Roman walked over and joined him on the bridge, chewing the inside of his lip as he tried to think of what to say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...it's raining.” wow, good job, dumbass. Roman sighed, running a hand through his hair. Virgil looked at him again, eyebrow quirked curiously, and it occurred to Roman that this may be the first time he’d actually said anything aloud for a few days now. “Not a lot of people like to walk in the rain.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah,” Virgil smirked, turning to face him. “Well, you’re out here too. You can’t judge.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...fair enough.” Roman nodded, looking at the ground. “Apologies, I’m…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Awkward as hell? Same.” Virgil chuckled. “Listen, Roman.” Roman looked back at him, eyes narrowed. “You’re not alone, y’know? Everyone can tell you’re fucked up, which is fair. But you aren’t handling it well at all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, thanks.” Roman frowned, folding his arms. “Glad you all know I’m a mess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I don’t care.” Virgil snorted. “I’m a mess too. We’re all disasters, really. I mean, we both walked out here in the middle of a rainstorm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm.” Roman didn’t know what to say. This was the longest anyone had spoken to him without bringing up that summer, or told him to get over it, or outright asked what was wrong with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The rain’s gonna stop soon.” Virgil looked up at the sky, then at Roman. “Whadda you say we head to get sodas, or ice cream or something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No thanks.” Roman scoffed, heart sinking as the suggestion once again reminded him of what was gone. “I’m not a fan of ice cream.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fair enough.” Virgil shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he started to stroll down the path the way Roman had come. Roman watched for a moment, then followed. He didn’t have anything better to do, after all. “D’you wanna talk?” Virgil asked after a few minutes. “I don’t know much, but I’ve heard rumors.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Great.” Roman sighed, worry filling him. Did Virgil believe that he’d been responsible for his brothers' deaths? That he’d pushed them? That-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to talk about whatever’s bugging you.” Virgil clarified. “I’ve heard enough to know you wouldn't want to. Especially to me, the resident emo. Just talk. Why were you out in the rain?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You first.” Roman stuffed his hands in his pockets, looking sideways at Virgil. Virgil laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, I guess that’s fair.” he paused for a moment before continuing. “The rain calms me down. It makes me happy. It's nice to feel it on your skin, and it smells good. Not to mention, it’s dark and gloomy out like me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re really selling the whole emo thing, aren’t you?” Roman snorted, surprised to feel actual amusement for the first time in ages. “How come?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Someone’s gotta do it.” Virgil shrugged. “And I like the music. So why were you out in the rain?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I always take walks when it rains,” Roman mumbled, brushing his hair from his eyes. “It's the only time I like being outside.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It doesn’t remind me of anything,” Roman said, tilting his head back to stare at the sky through the trees, letting the water hit his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fair enough.” Virgil mimicked, flashing a shark-like grin over to him. Roman returned it, despite still feeling the empty space beside and inside him aching.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman used to love the sun. He said this aloud one day, eating lunch in the library next to Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why’d ya stop?” Virgil raised an eyebrow, handing Roman a pack of crackers. Roman didn’t answer, he just shook his head and accepted the food. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d sat with Virgil at lunch since they met, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Two others usually joined them, but Roman had never spoken to them and they didn’t force him to. They were familiar, but new to the school this year. Roman didn’t know their names.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I used to love the stars,” Virgil said. Roman rolled his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You still do, Hot Topic. That doesn’t count.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, I bet you don’t really hate the sun.” Virgil teased. “You’re just trying to be edgy, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman turned away, thoughts drifting back to the bright sunlight as brakes screeched, Remus screamed, and he fell roughly to the asphalt scraping his elbows. Ice cream melted on the road, green mint rivers mixing with Patton’s blood. Fuck. Roman buried his head in his arms, trying to keep from hyperventilating. The crunch of metal and bone, the sound of sirens in the distance as Roman sat up, trying to understand what he was looking at. Where were his brothers? Those people on the ground couldn't be his brothers. His brothers weren’t dead, or dying, or-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, Roman I’m sorry.” hands grabbed his shoulders and Roman lifted his head, blinking up at his friend. Virgil looked panicked, pale beneath his eyeshadow. “I didn’t mean… I’m so fucking sorry. Breathe, dude, please, shit-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Virgil,” one of the others - Virgil’s friends - reached forward and took Virgil’s hands from Roman’s shoulders. “Panicking yourself won’t help him, breath in for 4 seconds. Hold for 7. Out for 8.” Roman struggled to follow along, though he knew it wasn’t meant for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few minutes, the sounds and sensations and images faded from his mind and he sighed, slumping against the wall. God, he was so fucking tired.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, are you okay?” Virgil looked at him, eyes wide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Roman lied, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I didn’t… I had no idea… I’m sorry.” Virgil looked away guiltily. Roman scowled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault, dumbass,” he grumbled. “You didn’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s enough for now.” the third sat back, adjusting his glasses. “Roman, I don’t believe we’ve formally met. I’m Logan.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey.” Roman nodded absently, still watching Virgil worriedly. “Uh, thanks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course. Panic attacks are never fun.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm.” Roman shrugged, wondering if he should mention it was more of a flashback - though also a panic attack. Maybe later. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t give you shit about that again,” Virgil promised. Roman looked at him, and he believed wholeheartedly that Virgil was telling the truth.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“What are the rumors?” Roman asked once, sitting next to Virgil on the bridge as rain fell around them. Virgil frowned, looking over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Rumors?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The ones you’ve heard about me.” Roman didn’t make eye contact, instead staring up at the clouds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Virgil sighed. “I mean, I heard about the accident a few years ago. People talk about how your entire personality switched, and you stopped being yourself. Some people being dipshits say it was your fault, which is stupid. Kids saying you’re addicted to a variety of substances, which now that I know you I know is false. Basically, people just talk about how you’re letting your potential go to waste because of whatever happened.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded, running his fingers along the wood beneath him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But they’re just stupid, Roman. You can do whatever you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We were walking home from the pool.” Roman said, still staring at the sky. He hadn’t told the full story since the accident when the police questioned him. “Patton always bought us mint chocolate chip ice cream on the way back. We went at least once a week in the summer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ro…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like you said, rumors don’t cut it.” Roman sighed. “We were crossing the street. Some jackass ran a stop sign and whipped around the corner. Hit us head-on.” Virgil leaned gently against Roman’s side, not enough to overwhelm him, but enough to keep him grounded. “Patton was killed instantly. Remus screamed. And he just… kept screaming. The ice cream fell, of course. I remember that it was melting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to tell me,” Virgil whispered. Roman ignored him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was so sunny. It was the middle of the day, and it was summer. It was so bright out. I was hurt, but nothing like my brothers. Remus died a few weeks later, but I didn’t even get admitted to the hospital. I was scraped and I had a concussion, but that was it.” he looked over at Virgil, who was listening with teary eyes. “It’s stupid. I should have died. If anyone died, we all should have.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ro, no, that's…” Virgil hesitated, struggling to find words. “That’s not…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It makes sense for me to have died as well.” Roman sighed. “But I’m still here, for whatever reason. And everything I used to like, I liked it because it was something we did together. I couldn't stay the same, it hurt too much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s fine.” Virgil insisted. “You’re coping your own way, Roman, you… you’ll be okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Roman frowned, watching as the rain slowed to a stop, the stream returning to its gentle trickle. “I just… I want to be the same. I want to be me again, but it hurts to even think about.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can help you,” Virgil said softly. “You don't have to change anything you don’t want to, Roman. And you can start slow, and… and…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Roman laughed sadly, turning to Virgil. “Y’know I used to hate the rain?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like it now.” Roman smiled. “It was raining the first time I met you, and the first time I smiled since the accident.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- are you serious?” Virgil stared at him. Roman shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I guess… if there were no sunny days,” he chuckled. “Rain would get boring.” Virgil nodded. “I think I’ll be okay, Vee.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you will,” Virgil replied. Roman nodded, getting slowly to his feet and walking with Virgil as they headed back down the path. The world was different, all right. There was nothing Roman could do to change that. But not everything was as shitty as it had been, so maybe different was okay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After all, Roman had used to love the sun.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The End! lol idk where this inspiration came from but I'm not complaining! I love this one-shot! It was fun and satisfying to write! &lt;3</p>
<p>Feel free to leave a request on the Chapter titled 'About requests'. I'll try to get to it as soon as possible!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. G'night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"maybe I should write Romangst shot." I say to myself. "Just a short one with a happy ending." </p>
<p>"Maybe you should make everyone cry and trigger yourself by writing explicit self-harm instead," Says my brain demons.</p>
<p>So guess which one I did...</p>
<p>WARNINGS: Major character death, suicide, graphic self-harm, blood, food mentions, vomiting, rape, rape aftermath, lying, literally be fuckin' careful you guys don't read this if it'll trigger you alright??</p>
<p>Enjoy I guess</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>For as long as he could remember, Roman shared a room with his brother. The family had moved around a lot, but they always shared a room. Bunkbeds, when they were younger. Now they had one of the bigger rooms in the house, with a bed in opposite corners for each. It was hard to keep secrets when you shared your personal space with another person like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Luckily, Remus never seemed to care too much what he did. So Roman didn’t have to try too incredibly hard to keep secrets. Remus had known he was gay months before Roman came out to their parents, and he hadn’t cared at all. He’d known a lot of things about Roman, but not everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman had secrets. Several, but they all revolved around one. A big, dark, painful stain on his memories. Something that nobody knew. No one but Roman, and one other person…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t even know their name.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, he was so fucked up and no one could even tell.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m an actor,” Roman said cheerfully to the mirror, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m such a good actor, no one can even tell something’s wrong!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus was out with friends. Remus still had friends. Why was Remus better at getting friends than Roman was, anyway? He was crude and obnoxious. At least he was interesting. At least he wasn’t a fucked up disaster of a human.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At least Remus didn’t cut himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman looked away from the mirror, taking a shuddering breath as he finally turned his attention to the bleeding cuts on his shoulders and hips. Clean them. Bandage them. Hide them. He’d been doing it for months now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus entered the room mere moments after Roman had hidden the bloody tissues and blades under his bed, bouncing cheerfully as he greeted him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, brobro!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello, ratman.” Roman sighed, flopping down onto his bed, relieved he’d put his shirt on before cleaning up the other evidence. He really didn’t need Remus pretending to care about him right now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should've come with us!” Remus said, tossing his shoes at the closet. “It’s such a good movie, y’know! And you like D&amp;D too, I thought-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Too late now.” Roman pointed out, draping his arm over his eyes. True, Remus and his friends had invited Roman to go see Onward with them. Roman knew they didn’t want him there, though. And it gave him a chance to be alone for a while.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we can watch it together some other time.” Remus figured. “The main characters are bros, you know! It’ll be like brother bear when we were kids!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Brother Bear is always gonna be awesome.” Roman lifted his arm, peering suspiciously at his brother. “Why are you being nice to me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus hesitated, just long enough for Roman to panic and sit up, the cuts on his body burning with the movement. He usually lay and did nothing until they fully scabbed over, but he didn’t really care about the pain. He liked it - it proved he was real.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus!” Roman snapped, drawing Remus’s eyes over to him. “What’s going on?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just… don’t want you to think I hate you.” Remus shrugged lightly. “I used to, but not anymore. Cuz I don’t, right? It’s just stupid sibling stuff, or puberty, or whatever.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Roman narrowed his eyes and Remus sighed dramatically.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Geez, can’t a guy be nice to his brother once in a while?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, whatever.” Roman threw a pillow across the room, heart sinking when he saw the spots of blood on the white pillowcase. Shit. he was so stupid - this is why he wasn’t supposed to just sit there before bandaging them. Remus caught the pillow and looked down at it for a few moments before tossing it back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lemon juice will help get that out,” he said softly, pulling out his laptop. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stared at him, and after a few minutes of silence Remus looked back up with a conflicted gaze. They stared at each other for a long moment, and then Remus put aside his computer and walked over to sit next to Roman on his bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t hate you, y’know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, you said that.” Roman sighed, slowly pulling the pillowcase off and tossing the pillow back onto the bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’d you use?” Remus asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman’s head jerked to the side and stared, only to be met with his brother's flat gaze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know what I’m talking about, brobro.” he shrugged. “I thought you lost your pocketknife.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No I-” Roman’s eyes widened. “You stole it, didn’t you? You asshole!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry for caring about you!” Remus snapped. “You think I wouldn’t care about this? I’m trying my best, fuckface. In case you hadn’t noticed, I actually care about your wellbeing!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you even know?” Roman asked in defeat, glaring at the floor.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just cuz I’m an idiot doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” Remus scoffed. “We share a room, Roman. I’ve known for two months.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why haven’t you said anything?” Roman asked accusingly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cuz you’d react like this.” Remus waved a hand toward him. “You’re all defensive and stuff, what do you think I’m gonna do about it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- I dunno,” Roman scowled. “Try and stop me, or tell mom and dad, or make fun of me or something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Make- what he fuck?” Remus yelled, getting to his feet and starting to pace. “Why the hell would I make fun of you for that, Roman? I’m not a complete asshole, you know! I care about you! We’re brothers!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, what are you gonna do, then?” Roman asked, trying to keep from sounding terrified. “Tattle on me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...no.” Remus sighed, burying his head in his hands. “No, that wouldn’t do anything. They’d just flip out, and… it’s not my shit to talk about. I just want you to be happy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I haven’t been happy for six months,” Roman muttered, flopping down and rolling to face the wall, throat burning as he thought back to everything that had happened. How fucked up and broken and useless he was. “So you should probably forget about it.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“D’you wanna go bowling with me and the guys?” Remus asked, lifting one headphone from Roman’s ear. Roman yelped in surprise, shoving him away. “Jeez, calm down, it’s just me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you want?” Roman sighed, pulling his headphones down around his neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please?” Remus pouted dramatically. “Mom and dad said I could only go if I convinced you to get out of the house for once, you don’t even have to bowl! Just come and hang out with us at the bowling alley!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh.” Roman rubbed his eyes, glancing back at the videos he’d been re-watching. “Fine. But only because I know you’d keep asking.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Awesome!” Remus pulled him to his feet, and in a few minutes, the brothers were on the front porch waiting for Remus’s friends to come to pick them up. Roman had compromised by bringing his headphones and phone, planning on just sitting and listening to music the whole time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Soon enough, the beat-up van that Logan drove pulled up at the curb and the sliding side door opened, revealing Remus’s friends waving them over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sleeping beauty finally leaves the tower.” one of them commented at Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hot topic finally escaped the mall.” he retorted, taking in the dramatically emo aesthetic sitting beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s Pat and Dee?” Remus asked, leaning forward to breathe on Logan’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Meeting us there,” Logan replied. “There aren’t enough seats for us all when Roman comes, it made more sense for them to drive over together.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Roman stared at the floor, fighting the urge to change his mind and walk home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus was still trying to make him happy, apparently. Roman thought he’d given it up, but it was obvious that this was another attempt. He’d tried to find Roman’s blades, too, and hide them. Luckily, Roman stopped him. Remus needed to learn how to mind his own business.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Geez, what’s with the long face?” Virgil chuckled. “Didn’t you used to love going out with friends or something? I seem to recall you winning the popularity contest in tenth grade.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you a stalker or something? Fuck off.” Roman muttered. He could handle being a shadow of his old self at school - but this was summer vacation. He was too fucking tired to pretend to be the way he used to. And he didn’t even know this guy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get off his back Vee. I made him come.” Remus muttered, elbowing his friend roughly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever.” Virgil turned to his phone, ignoring Roman completely for the rest of the drive. Good. That was how Roman wanted it. Maybe he’d be able to survive this, after all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t until they got to the bowling alley and saw the last of Remus’s friends that Roman knew he was completely fucked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pat and Dee. Patton and Damian. Fuck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, oh my gosh!” Patton grabbed him in a hug and Roman winced, meeting Remus’s eyes and shooting him a dirty look. “It’s been so long since we’ve hung out, I almost forgot you and Remus were brothers!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not hard to.” Roman laughed lightly, pulling himself from his old friend's grip. “We aren’t identical, y’know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were as far from identical as could be. But it wasn’t Patton that Roman was really worried about. Patton had no idea why Roman started ghosting all his friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Damian, on the other hand, he probably had a good idea about it. How the fuck did Roman not know Remus was friends with Damian White?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When you said twin,” Damian laughed, still looking at Roman. “I assumed he looked like you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we just go in?” Virgil groaned. “I’m hungry, and their burgers are cheap tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, the group made their way into the bowling alley. Roman found himself walking by his brother's elbow, trying to seem smaller than he was. He usually avoided Remus in public places, but if it was between the guy who knew about Roman’s cutting and the guy that knew why he was fucked up in the first place, he’d choose the first.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To be fair, Damian hadn’t been the one to hurt Roman. He hadn’t even been involved, except to get Roman a glass of water and help him sober up after that party Roman regretted going to. Maybe Damian didn’t even know what had happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He risked a look over and felt a sinking in his stomach when he found Damian was watching him with a furrowed brow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Damian definitely knew what had happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not only that, but he was Patton’s boyfriend. And he had to have known that Roman hadn’t told his ex-best friend what happened. And he definitely knew that Roman had ghosted him. What if he was pissed off about it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are ya gonna bowl or no?” Remus asked, bringing Roman back into the present. “You’ll need shoes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t care.” Roman shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus got him a pair anyway, looking at him worriedly. Roman knew he was acting weirder than ever. Remus had seen him in public since they talked about the self-harm, and Roman hadn’t acted like this before. But he’d never had a harsh reminder of that night slapped in his face while in public. Wasn’t this just fucking great?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton sat next to Roman as they changed shoes, chattering away about the play the community theater was putting on and that he should try out for it, but that’s okay if he didn’t want to because obviously he’d been doing things other than theater recently, and that-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Patt.” Roman interrupted, forcing a small smile. “You should probably go bowl, though. I’m just here cuz Remus made me come.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure? I can just sit and talk!” Patton beamed. “We need to catch up, and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Go have fun.” Roman pushed him gently and Patton stood up, waving a hand dramatically.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, okay. Join us if you want to!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded halfheartedly, watching as Patton made his way to the rack of bowling balls where Remus, Logan, and Virgil were already standing. Wait-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you’re the infamous Roman.” Damian slipped into the seat Patton had just left, raising an eyebrow. “From what Remus and Patton told me, you aren’t what I expected.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’d you expect? Remus times two?” Roman grumped, looking warily at him. “He’s the more attractive popular one, I’m afraid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t sell yourself short, pal.” Damian snapped. “Remus mentioned he’d been worried about ya for a few months now. Which makes me think you did nothing I advised you to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Roman lied, looking away to watch his brother epically fail and get a gutter ball. He snorted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, you do. You stopped going to drama club, stopped hanging out with your friends, stopped doing anything but go to school and your house.” Damian insisted. “The longer you put this off, the less likely that-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.” Roman snapped. “You think I’m just gonna talk about that shit? Yeah, right. What a great conversation to have with your brother. Or your best friend. Or your parents. ‘So I know you think I’m fine, but I was actually drugged and raped six months ago.’ How the fuck do you think I’m supposed to do that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were what?” Roman froze, turning back to see Remus standing next to him, a red sparkly bowling ball in hand, and tears already rolling down his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman bolted to his feet, tearing off the bowling shoes before grabbing his sneakers and darting to the exit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was not his fucking day.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck did you do?” Remus snarled, grabbing Damian's shirt and hauling him to his feet. “What did you do to him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t do anything!” Damian insisted, struggling out of his grip. “I’m trying to help him, Remus! If I’d know he was your brother, I’d have told you months ago-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Guys, shut up!” Virgil pushed between them. “As much as I’d love to figure out the whole story, Roman just left to who knows where. So maybe you should focus on that first, doncha think?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, shit!” Remus spun around, copying his brother as he struggled out of his bowling shoes. “I’m not finished with you, White! Once I find my brother, I’m gonna rip you to pieces!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t do anything!” Damian snarled. Remus ignored him, stuffing his feet into his boots and taking off after Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How the hell didn’t he know something like that had happened? He was supposed to know better. He had promised himself to keep an eye on Roman when he found out he was self-harming.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Though… according to what Roman had just said… Remus hadn’t noticed something was wrong until it was far too late to do anything about it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was going to murder whoever it was that lay a finger on Roman. That is, once he found where his brother had run off to.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman stumbled to a halt, panting heavily as he leaned on his knees for support. He had no idea how long he’d been running, or where he was. All he knew was that he had to get out of there as soon as possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Goddamn Damian. Why did Roman’s luck have to be so awful that the one person other than him or his rapist ended up being in Remus’s friend group?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman looked up, trying to get his bearings when his gaze fell on the open back of a pickup truck. The truck was idling, but empty. As if the driver had just run back inside because they forgot something. But what caught Roman’s eye was the tool belt resting on the tailgate next to a toolbox. The orange boxcutter in it seemed to taunt him, willing him to take it and end this right now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman acted before he let himself think, dashing over and pulling the boxcutter out before stuffing it in his pocket and running down the street. There had been two - whoever he’d taken this from wouldn’t miss it that terribly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was he doing? Roman didn’t know, but he didn’t really care. Just the thought of having to explain what happened to Remus or his parents made his skin crawl, and his stomach threatened to erupt. He could still feel hands gripping his hips, bruising them harshly. He could feel breath down his neck, whispering things he knew must be true. He could feel the grip they’d had on his shoulders and upper arms, steering him away from other people and into a dark bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, shit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stumbled into the tall grass next to the path he’d wandered onto, vomiting into it as he tried to control himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hated this. He hated himself. He hated everything about himself. It was his fault, after all. If he wasn’t so fucking stupid, or if he hadn’t gone to the party, or if he’d thought a split second before taking a drink from a stranger, it wouldn’t have happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman fell to his knees, grabbing the boxcutter from inside his pocket before pulling his hoodie off to expose his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d never cut his wrists before. It made him to anxious, worried that he’d cut too deep and die.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But right now, he couldn't care less if that’s what happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His phone rang again, and Roman impulsively answered, putting it on speaker without saying anything as he pressed the blade to his wrist.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, where are you?” Remus demanded. “I promise I’m not upset, I just need to know where you are… it’s been like an hour! Where the fuck did you go?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman hissed in pain when he made the first cut, digging the blade into the vein on his wrist.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- Roman what are you doing?” Remus demanded. “Where are you? Talk to me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stayed silent, making the same kind of cut on his other arm before repeating the action in a line up them both.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck.” Roman hissed, staring with teary eyes as too much blood spilled out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, I swear to god-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop panicking.” Roman slurred, dropping the boxcutter. “I’m fine. It’sa… it's better this way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Roman, where are you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dunno.” Roman slumped back onto his elbows, staring dizzily around him. “Some kinda… hiking path. Buncha trees…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you do?” Remus demanded desperately. “Why are you… what the fuck did you do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Calm down.” Roman groaned in annoyance. “Y’don’t haveta worry about me now, Ree. y’get your own room, too…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, no. Roman, please stay awake. We’re gonna find you, please tell me where you are.” Remus begged. Roman distantly heard him tell someone to call the police, but he wasn’t able to hear things too clearly right now. He didn’t care.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, brobro.” Roman hummed, eyes slipping shut. “Gnite.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“ROMAN!”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'll be expecting some death threats this week...</p>
<p>but I'm not sorry lmao.</p>
<p>I fully intended this to be short and have a fluffy ending, but the characters said no. So, there ya go.</p>
<p>Mental Health Update: uhhhh as you can see I wrote graphic self-harm which I'm not supposed to do but other than that I've been pretty okay! I just really want quarantine to end.</p>
<p>Please leave requests on the first chapter and I'll try to get to them as soon as possible!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. What To Do</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>@gayerthanagayrainbow (A Wattpad request) This is a twist off of your request! I was just feeling in a soft Roceit mood. So here ya go!</p>
<p>WARNINGS: Unsympathetic light sides (but like on accident), being ignored, self-deprecation, angst, Roman Just Needs A Hug</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I don’t want to go,” Roman said softly, face buried in his boyfriend's chest. Deceit sighed, running fingers through his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, love, I’ll be here when you get back. Besides, they’ll only ask questions if you don’t go when summoned.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just tired,” Roman said softly. Deceit frowned as he tasted the lie of omission. Roman was keeping something from him about this, but Deceit wasn’t going to demand truth from him. “Hey, why don’t you go instead?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- Roman, that will just cause more problems.” Deceit pulled away, peering into Roman’s eyes. “They’ll just hate me more.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They won’t notice.” Roman scoffed, then winced. Deceit frowned. “I mean… you’re good. And you know me well. Obviously, you can do this. Don't you wanna see?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Deceit narrowed his eyes uneasily. Roman nodded, flopping backward and wrapping blankets around himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m tired and you can pretend to be me. Please, before they get more annoyed?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright.” Deceit gave in, getting to his feet. He shifted carefully, being sure to check the look over with Roman before rising up in his boyfriend's place. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have arrived!” He declared grandly, striking Roman’s favorite pose.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Took you long enough,” Virgil muttered from the stairs. “We were just about to start without ya.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Without me?” Deceit mocked Roman’s dramatic gasp, hand on his chest. “I’ve been betrayed!” Virgil just rolled his eyes, looking back to where Logan, Patton, and Thomas were talking. They hadn’t paused at all when ‘Roman’ arrived. Rude.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In fact… they were all quite rude through the entire conversation. Deceit tried his best to maintain the appearance of his boyfriend, but he made mistakes. He really was quite bad at this when he was frustrated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They brushed off everything he said. They acted like he was a child, and outright ignored nearly half of all his suggestions. Not because it was Deceit, no, Deceit was supplying Roman’s suggestions that they’d discussed earlier in the day. At one point, Roman’s voice even slipped into Deceit’s with the lisp and none of them batted an eye.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit returned to their room after the discussion, feeling worn out and battered and awful about himself even though they hadn’t been talking about Deceit at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman was still curled up in the blankets, probably having listened in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deceit felt cold rage stirring within him as he thought about what had just happened. They ignored Roman. They didn’t care enough about him to notice when he was being impersonated. They hadn’t even asked for his opinion at all, and they’d scoffed whenever he gave it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman.” Deceit sat on the edge of the bed, the illusion fading away. Roman rolled over, smiling brightly. It was fake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’d it go?” Roman asked, wrapping Deceit in a hug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, I’m so sorry.” Deceit held him tightly, holding back tears. Roman froze, obviously unsure of himself. Deceit hated it. He hated that all his boyfriend's bravado was so fake that no one cared to look into it. He hated that in an hour or so, Roman would have to return to the light side to have family dinner because otherwise they’d ask questions and find out about this relationship. He hated that Roman dealt with that cruelty and neglect on a daily basis, and Deceit hadn’t known about it at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“D-Dee?” Roman laughed awkwardly. “What’s… what’s wrong? What happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They didn’t notice.” Deceit whispered miserably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, cuz you’re-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was awful.” Deceit shook his head. “I messed up, Roman. I was frustrated, and they didn’t notice anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure it’s just because you’re good at this,” Roman whispered, the lie tainting the air around them. Deceit shook his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Even so, they’re awful to you.” He sat back, eyes narrowed in determination. “They’re so cruel, and they ignore you constantly! Why- How- How long has it been since they asked for your opinion?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s…” Roman’s shoulders fell and he looked away. “It’s been a while. But I’m sure-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry.” Deceit shook his head. “Don’t dismiss their wrongdoings, Roman. They hurt you. I know they do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? No, they just-” Deceit flinched at the blatant lie and Roman sighed. “Yeah, okay. You got me. That’s why I’m… I’m just tired. Tired of all of it, tired of all of them. I can’t do anything right, Deceit. I’m not good enough for them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are!” Deceit snapped, glaring at the door that separated them from the light side. “You’re good enough, Roman! Stifling your ideas will only make it harder for you to come up with any!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They don’t mean to.” Roman shrugged. “And it's not like they treat me like you or Remus. It’s fine. I can’t complain, I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can complain.” Deceit rolled his eyes. “They’re hurting you, love. I can see it. Every time you come over, I can see how tired you are. I just didn’t want to believe it, but now… after this…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I can’t really do anything about it.” Roman laughed sadly. “Thomas still needs me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thomas does, but they don't.” Deceit sat up, eyes wide with realization. Roman frowned. “You don’t have to go back, Roman. Stay here. With me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- what?” Roman stared at him, blood draining from his face. “Dee, I can’t, they’ll-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t care what they think!” Deceit hissed. Roman winced. “I know you care, Roman. But it's tearing you apart. It already tore you apart.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose.” Roman stared at the floor now, shoulders hunched.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just move your room over here.” Deceit said softly. “I hate to see you in pain, Roman. They don’t deserve you, they never deserved you. Hell, I don’t even deserve you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You deserve so much more than me.” Roman choked out. Deceit realized with a gasp that his boyfriend was crying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ro-Roman, I’m sorry!” Deceit panicked, wrapping all his arms around Roman again. “I didn’t… you… I didn’t mean to make you cry, love, I’m so-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Roman hugged him back, pecking a kiss to his lips before burying his face in Deceit’s shoulder. “Y’didn’t make me cry. I love you. I want… I just…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry they hurt you.” Deceit whispered. Roman took a few shuddering breaths.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to stay.” He mumbled. “Here. With you. Please don’t change your mind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Never.” Deceit felt his heart break at the words. “I love you, Roman. You mean the world to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was going to kill the next ‘light side’ that so much as looked at his boyfriend.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“His room is gone.” Virgil stared in horror at the wall, then over at Patton and Logan who were equally as baffled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- what… where is he?” Patton tugged on his cardigan, tears in his eyes. “He seemed fine last time… just yesterday. He was just the same as normal, except for being late.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We could try summoning him.” Logan turned, waving a hand to try and pull Roman from wherever he was. Nothing. Virgil felt uneasiness creep up his neck and he grimaced, pulling his hood up over his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan tried once more, and in moments a figure had appeared. But it wasn’t Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Deceit?” Patton stared and Virgil hissed, shrinking away. Deceit narrowed his eyes, looking between them all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do I owe the pleasure?” he sneered, finally looking to Logan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s Roman?” Logan asked, glancing back at the blank wall. “I was trying to summon him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m well aware of what you were trying to do.” Deceit snapped. “And I’m here to tell you that it’s not happening.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you do to him?” Virgil demanded. “Where’s-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did I do?” Deceit bristled, spinning around to glare at Virgil murderously. “I listened to him! I comforted him when you all broke him down! I listened to him cry because none of his so-called family cared enough to even listen to what he had to say! I loved him more than any of you ever did. So forgive me if I’m impolite, but you won’t be seeing Roman today.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh-what the hell are you talking about?” Virgil managed to ask through his swirling thoughts. Roman was fine. They listened to him, right? When he had good ideas. When… when was the last time they listened to him?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And how would you know what love is?” Patton challenged, folding his arms and frowning at Deceit. Deceit rolled his eyes, meeting Virgil’s for a split second before looking away. Virgil winced.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How does anyone know?” Deceit drawled. “It doesn’t matter, does it? All you need to know is that Roman is fine. In fact, he’s doing better when he isn’t crushed by all your ridiculous expectations.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He moved over to the other side.” Logan reasoned aloud, nodding slowly. “I see. And you discussed this with him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did.” Virgil didn’t know what to do. He knew how gentle and loving Deceit could be, and how sincere he could be. If Roman really had noticed how often they brushed him off… it’s very possible this happened exactly as Deceit was saying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You manipulated him.” Logan decided. Virgil flinched, looking between Logan and Deceit as Deceit’s gaze darkened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did nothing of the sort.” He snarled. “Isn’t that right, Virgil? You should know. Maybe you should explain how I focus mainly on the mental health of Thomas and the rest of you. Explain that I let you leave the dark side because you needed it and that all those stupid fan theories about me hurting you are wrong. Explain to them that you believe me!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil winced, looking over to Logan and Patton.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… yeah, okay. Fine. I believe that Roman wasn’t manipulated into leaving.” He sighed, glaring at Deceit. “But I still think we should be allowed to talk this out with him. Why can’t-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman doesn’t want to talk to you.” Deceit held up his hands and stepped back. “I’m not stopping him. If he wanted to be here, he would be. But he’s not.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Deceit interrupted Patton loudly. “I have more important things to do than talk to you about what you’ve done wrong.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And with that, he sunk out. Virgil turned slowly to the others, who were still staring at him in confusion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to think some things through.” He said softly. “Before trying to talk to Roman again.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So what'd ya think?? It's not my best but I'm just tryna get into the vibe of doing things again because I have to go back to work soon and Quarantine fucked up my schedule. I also just really love soft roceit. lol.</p>
<p>Mental Health Update: Doin okay! Nothing really new happening so yeh.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. G'morning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sequel to G'night (as highly requested)</p><p>Warnings: suicide attempt, hospital, self-hatred, rape aftermath, swearing, brotherly banter, food mentions, therapy, etc.</p><p>Enjoy this, you asked for it. (it has a happy ending don't worry okay)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman groaned, thoughts drifting back and forth like trees on a windy day. Wow, was he a poet in the afterlife or some shit? That was downright cheesy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t think the afterlife would hurt this much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or have this much weird noises.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or smell like a hospital.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, shit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He should wake up in the next day or so,” an unfamiliar voice made its way to Roman’s ears as he continued waking up. “You’ll be allowed to talk to him one at a time, to avoid overwhelming him. This is a very sensitive time, and he’ll be headed to the rehab center as soon as the stitches come out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A rehab center? Fuck off, Roman didn’t want to go to a rehab center. He didn’t want to talk to his parents, or his friends, or any stupid therapists. He wanted to be dead, reincarnated as a dragon, or something. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How the fuck was Roman not dead? Goddamnit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just don’t understand.” his mom's voice made it past Roman’s thoughts and he sighed internally. “Why… why didn’t we notice something was wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If what your Remus and Mr. White said are true, it would explain a lot.” The doctor - Roman assumed it was a doctor now - said gently. “And it’s often difficult to see the warning signs. Give it time, hopefully with therapy and healing Roman will be alright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t want to be alright. He didn’t deserve to be alright in the first place. He wasn’t worth it, and he wished he was dead. But he wasn’t gonna do anything to let his parents know he was awake, either. He didn’t want to deal with that shit right now. Maybe not ever. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hopefully, Remus didn’t really beat up Damian, Roman thought idly as he heard people moving around followed by a closing door. They spoke, too, but he didn’t care about that. Nothing they said would make a difference right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The silence was boring as hell, though, once they’d left. Had they left him alone? He should have expected that. They knew now that he was fucked up and broken and contaminated and-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goddamnit, Ro.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t… I’m so fucking sorry.” geez, Roman hadn’t heard Remus actually cry for years now. It just wasn’t his thing. He wasn’t that emotive when sad. “I should… I should have noticed, or… or I shouldn't have forced you to go bowling or something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wow, Remus was way stupider than Roman thought. As if Roman wanted anyone to find out about this. They were both actors, and pretty damn good. It wasn’t Remus’s fault he had his own life that still held meaning in comparison to Roman’s.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If I ever find out who hurt you, I’ll rip them apart,” Remus muttered. Roman would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t trying to pretend he was still unconscious. Roman himself didn’t even know the fuckers name, how was Remus supposed to find out?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was starting to feel kinda bad now. He’d literally been on the phone with Remus as he…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Christ, he’d fucked up his brother hadn’t he? Not in the same way, but that couldn't be good for mental health. Roman really wished he hadn’t done it the way he had, but he’d panicked. It’s not like he’d thought the whole thing through.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh.” Roman grudgingly opened his eyes, blinking a few times. “G’morning…” he tried to be casual as he looked over at his brother's stricken face, but his arms and head were killing him and he felt like emotional shit, as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- Roman!” Remus rubbed tears from his face and leaned forward, hands hovering over Roman’s shoulder for a moment before pulling back. Roman winced. “G- are you- well, of course, you aren’t okay that’s a stupid fucking question.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman snorted despite himself, rubbing his eyes stiffly with how bandaged his arms were. Christ, he’d really done a number on himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t laugh, you asshole!” Remus pouted. “You nearly died! You… god, I’m so fucking sorry!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up, ya nerd,” Roman muttered. “Y’Didn't really hurt Dee, didja?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not much,” Remus muttered. “But that doesn’t matter, Ro, you’ve been out for like two days!” Roman shrugged, sitting up before falling back down as his head swam. “Jus- hold on, okay? I’ll go tell the doctor lady you woke up, just don’t… ah, shit, you aren’t allowed to be alone are ya, um…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Calm down,” Roman muttered. “I’m fine, just dizzy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I wonder why!” Remus snapped, looking at the floor. “Motherfucker.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bitch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Flat-face.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- flat-face?” Roman laughed despite himself, looking at Remus with a raised eyebrow. “What the fuck, Remus?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like from that movie, Epic. With the tiny people and the snails.” Remus chuckled. “Is the flat-face gonna cry? Gonna go running back to his flat-face mommy??” he weakly tried to do an impression of the snail and Roman laughed again, shaking his head in disbelief.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s the stupidest thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your mom’s the stupidest thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your dick’s the stupidest thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow, rude.” Remus pouted for a moment, then sighed and looked away again. Roman groaned. Right. He was in the hospital for attempting… that. God, this was fucked up. “Love ya, brobro.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Love you too, ratman.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman scowled, staring at the floor as he chewed on a saltwater taffy. He didn’t wanna be here. He didn’t wanna be anywhere.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, okay. Maybe not like that anymore. Maybe he wanted to be alive, just cuz he would hate himself for hurting his brother like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he didn’t wanna be in some stupid rehab center sitting across from a therapist who wanted to talk about what happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t really wanna talk to anyone. In fact, the only person he’d spoken to since waking up a few weeks ago was Remus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew it was stupid, but he couldn't get himself to speak whenever anyone else was around. Not even his parents, or the doctor, or anyone. It didn’t make sense, but he just didn’t feel like they actually wanted to hear him talk. And he didn’t feel like he deserved to talk to them. But that didn’t make any fucking sense.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, can’t we just start off with the basics here?” the therapist asked gently, tapping his pencil on the notepad in his hands. “I wanna help you out but you aren’t giving me anything. Don’t you wanna get better?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman raised an eyebrow, not saying anything as he grabbed another taffy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, do you want to get out of the center?” the therapist rephrased. Roman sighed and shrugged. Which the dude seemed to take as a win. “then ya gotta at least talk to me. Will you try it out? This is a safe space.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yeah right.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.” the therapist added. “Let’s start with introductions, even though we already know each other.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh, shit. Was Roman supposed to remember this guy's name? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m Dr. Emile Picani.” the guy said. Roman finally lifted his gaze, looking the dude over critically. He reminded Roman a bit of Patton, with the glasses and goofy smile and whatnot. “I’ve been a therapist for ten years, and I wanna get to know you a bit more before you clean out my supply of candy! That okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, fuck. He was eating way too much of this dude’s snacks. Roman sighed, rolling a taffy between his fingers for a moment before finally forcing himself to speak.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine. I’m Roman, but you already know that. Sorry about the taffy.” he liked sweet things. Was that so wrong?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s there to be eaten, I was just kidding with ya.” Picani waved a hand. “Glad to hear your voice, Roman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure.” Roman shrugged again, feeling awkward. What the heck was he supposed to talk about now? It's not like he’d ever been to therapy and spoken before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s your favorite flavor?” Picani asked, bringing Roman’s head back up to examine the bowl of candy. “I like the banana ones, even though it doesn’t taste like bananas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh…” Roman shrugged helplessly. “Blueberry, I guess. I dunno. It’s candy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, a kindred spirit with a sweet tooth!” Picani nodded, smiling in a kind of tilted way. Roman snorted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kindred spirit? What’re you, Anne of Green Gables?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m more into cartoons, actually. Though I may have picked up the saying from watching that with my boyfriend.” Picani laughed lightly. “What about you then, Roman? What d’you like to watch?” Roman hesitated, though a bit of his wall had come down at the guy’s mention of a boyfriend. So this wasn’t some cis, straight, white guy trying to relate. He was gay, and that was something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Disney,” Roman said simply, unwrapping a Neapolitan taffy and popping it into his mouth. “And the classics, I guess. Anne, Fiddler on the Roof, Court Jester.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’d get along with Remy so well.” Picani chuckled. “He’s a sucker for the live-action classics like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman shrugged again, staring down at his hands, avoiding looking at the scars on his wrists.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So what’s your all-time favorite Disney?” Picani tried.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t have one.” Roman snorted, unable to muster the energy to reply as he normally would have. “They’re all good. If I had to pick, it’d be Aladdin, Brother Bear, or Sleeping Beauty.” he hadn’t spoken this much since Remus visited a few days ago… it felt weird not to have his brother with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sure, he shared a room here, but it wasn’t Remus. He hadn’t even spoken to the guy, and he couldn't remember his name at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lilo and Stitch is one of my favorites!” Picani said cheerfully. “I feel like ya learn a lot about someone based on their favorite movie!” Roman scowled, looking up critically.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What, are you psychoanalyzing me or something? Pretty sure you already know why I’m fucked up. You’ve got all kinds of files on me, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well sure, but I don’t know the real you yet!” Picani waved a hand. “And that stuff doesn’t matter to me anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought a therapist's job was to un-fuck me up,” Roman muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… that’s not quite it.” Picani chuckled awkwardly. “Crude phrasing aside, I’m not here to fix you. You’re not broken, Roman. Just a little lost.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Roman snorted, folding his arms. This was stupid. He shouldn’t have said anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t say a word for the rest of their session.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, brobro, how ya been!” Remus greeted when the next visitation day rolled around. Roman’s parents had given up, seeing as he didn’t talk to anyone but Remus and sometimes Picani.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine.” Roman shrugged, rubbing his eyes. “I hate this place.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Remus sighed, shoulders slumping. “But… it’s not like you’re being cooperative. You can’t leave until they deem you… I dunno, stable?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman laughed bitterly, shaking his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m plenty stable. I just hate myself, that’s all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- why!?” Remus pouted. “Everyone misses you, Roman. I miss you! Our room is so quiet without you snoring.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gee, thanks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you please just try?” Remus met his eyes and Roman sighed, feeling guilty. “For me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Roman grudgingly went to his next session and refrained from grabbing taffy as soon as he arrived, instead stared at the floor while Picani said hello.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’ll it take for them to let me outta here?” he asked as soon as Picani was done speaking. The therapist looked at him in surprise, then glanced over at some paperwork.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, that kinda depends, Roman.” he chuckled softly. “You need to be mentally healthy enough that you aren’t a danger to yourself or others. There are a few other requirements, but that’s the main thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Roman sighed, spirits falling slightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you ask?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My brother wants me to try.” Roman sighed, burying his face in his hands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh right,” Picani paused. “Remus, he’s your twin?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m also seeing that he’s the only person you willingly talk to.” Picani hummed thoughtfully.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I talk to you, don’t I?” Roman scowled. Picani laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re required to come here, Roman. I figured you were talking out of boredom.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, yeah.” Roman sighed. “Why does it matter if I talk to people? Why is that so important?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Communication is a human necessity,” Picani said slowly. “And I hear you used to be pretty outgoing a year or so ago. You don’t even talk to your parents. Is there a reason for that?” Roman frowned uneasily. The worry in Picani’s voice made him realize that, for whatever reason, someone had theorized his parents were hurting him. That was stupid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They didn’t have anything to do about this if that’s what you mean.” he snapped. “They had no idea I was even depressed. They’ve never hurt me and they never will.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, that’s good.” Picani smiled. “So why won’t you speak to them?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just…” Roman sighed miserably. “I feel like shit, Dr. Picani. I’ve felt like shit for nearly eight months now. They probably don’t wanna hear what I have to say, and… I dunno, I don’t think I should force em to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Y’know what you remind me of?” Picani hummed, tapping his chin with a pencil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Here we go.” Roman groaned softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Simba.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why the hell do I remind you of Simba?” Roman threw his hands in the air. “I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just hear me out, Roman.” Picani laughed. “Simba ran away from everyone he cared about after his father died. Now, I know your father’s still alive, but don’t you think you’re doing what he did by refusing to talk to anyone? Simba didn’t even give his pride a chance, thinking he’d messed up so terribly that his life was changed forever. Don’t you think your family deserves at least one chance?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, yeah…” Roman scowled. “But I’m not Simba. I’m not the heir to some throne somewhere, I’m just… me. And what happened to me isn’t anything like what happened to him. He’s a lion.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, your family cares about you,” Picani said gently. “You just said so yourself when you thought I was implying they hurt you. I’m sure they’ll understand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, they won't!” Roman insisted. “Because as far as I know, none of my family… none of them went through what I did. Okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You keep mentioning something you went through,” Picani said slowly. “Your files say it’s suspected that, well, something intense happened to you eight months ago. Is that correct?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, shit. That’s right, it wasn’t officially confirmed that it’d happened yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do they think happened?” Roman asked softly, curling up in his chair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, a friend of yours reported that you were drugged at a party and taken advantage of.” Picani’s voice was the most gentle he’d ever heard it. “Your brother says you mentioned this the day you did that. But you refused to talk to anyone but Remus, and he refused to ask about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you want me to say?” Roman asked helplessly. “Do you want me to say that it didn’t happen? That Damien White is a liar? I can’t say that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So it did.” Picani hummed. Roman sighed. “Do you know the person?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” Roman glared at the floor, trying to block out the phantom sensations. “Never met them before. I was invited by a kid in a drama competition from another school. The guy was an adult, I think. Damien White was there and realized what was happening, so he got me out and helped me get someplace safe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So he knew all six months?” Picani frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean…” Roman sighed. “He didn’t know who I was. He didn’t meet Remus and my friends until after, and I avoided them. Remus and I aren’t identical, so he only realized…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I see.” Picani jotted down a few things on his notes. “So is this what you mean when you mention what happened to you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, okay?” Roman grumbled, feeling sick. “I’m stupid and broken. I’m fucked up and I don’t… I don’t know, I don’t really care because I know in the long run it doesn’t matter, because I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You do matter.” Picani snapped, cutting Roman off. Roman winced, looking over at him. “And don’t you say that again, mister. What you feel right now is perfectly valid and normal. Alright? This thing that happened doesn’t define you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, cuz nobody knows.” Roman groaned. “Once people know, it will. Have you ever been to high school? It sucks. If anyone finds out - which they probably have since the semester started and I’m in here - nobody will treat me the same ever again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus knows,” Picani said. Roman looked at him. “Why do you talk to Remus, if you don’t want to talk to people who know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... I dunno.” Roman shrugged. “I fucked him up. We’re twins, Doc. He’s always been there. I… do you… I was on the phone with him when I… do you have any idea… I feel like shit for doing that to him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You keep saying that.” Picani chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That you feel like… that.” Picani paraphrased. Roman shrugged. “Why don’t you try and feel a little more like Roman, instead?”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Hello, how are you, my darling, today?” Roman sighed, staring down at the page of his notebook. He was supposed to be doing some stupid mental health activity while he waited for Picani, but that required way more effort than he felt like putting into it. So instead he was drawing and singing under his breath. He hated drawing with pens, but he wasn’t allowed a pencil as that required a sharpener, which he wasn’t allowed to have.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you could sing!” Roman’s head shot up and he clamped his mouth shut when Picani sat down across from him. “Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to surprise you. You seem to be in a good mood today?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh…” Roman hesitated, thinking it over. He wasn’t sure, really. The past few weeks had been… interesting. He’d been trying - most of the time - to do what these guys said he needed to do. “I guess?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Working on that self-reflection?” Picani nodded to the notebook and Roman shook his head, turning to show the page full of doodles. Picani chuckled. “Well, you may not be doing the assignment but you sure are a good artist!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, I guess.” Roman put the notebook down and sighed, grabbing a saltwater taffy from the bowl. “I used to wanna be an animator, so I drew a lot…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What d’you wanna be instead?” Picani asked, raising an eyebrow. Roman froze, blinking a few times as he tried to wrap his mind around the concept. He… could be something. He could have an adult life and a future. He’d forgotten about that… again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I-I mean…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you’d be a good animator,” Picani said, waving a hand at the notebook. “You’re such a creative guy, I’d love to see you improve and flourish through your career!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess I still do wanna be an animator.” Roman shrugged. “I just kinda… assumed I wouldn’t make it that far.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah.” Picani smiled sadly. “Well, you know what happens when you assume!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, I get it. It doesn’t work the way I thought it did.” Roman rolled his eyes. “You told me that already, Doc. Like, a million times.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I’ll tell you again!” Picani beamed. “Your own perspective is always skewed, now what emotion are we feeling today?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Confused.” Roman buried his face in his hands. He knew that wasn’t one of the characters from inside out, but he didn’t care. None of them really summed this up, today. “I dunno. I’m… trying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’m glad you’re trying,” Picani said softly. “And it's okay to be confused, Roman. All your feelings, no matter what they are, are completely valid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, you’ve said that too.” Roman laughed bitterly. “Except for the feeling of wanting to die, right? Of hating myself? Of feeling disgusting?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They’re valid, too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Roman sat back, throwing his hands in the air. “Why are they so bad if they’re valid, huh? Why is it okay to feel those things but now act accordingly? If I feel bad for a person on the street, I give them a dollar. But if I feel like I deserve to die, I have to sit here and do nothing? What’s with that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They’re valid, Roman,” Picani said. “That doesn’t mean they’re correct. You’re allowed to feel them, but you need to register that those thoughts aren’t true.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But… what if they are true?” Roman sighed, grabbing yet another taffy but not unwrapping it. “I’m fucked up, Doc. You know that. I’ll never be the same, not even physically now that I went and… I’ll look like this forever.” he held up his arm, showing the pink scars that marred the surface of his skin. “I don’t wanna live with that, and you can’t tell me what I do or don’t want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then what do you want?” Picani asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not asking what you don’t want.” the therapist interrupted, shaking his head. “I’m asking what you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stared down at the taffy in his hands, then looked back up at the man across from him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I want to be allowed to use pencils again,” he said softly. “I want to share a room with my brother again. I want to go home.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know what has to happen for you to go home,” Picani said firmly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t just stop hating myself.” Roman sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can control your actions, Roman.” Picani insisted. “You are allowed to feel bad, but you’re also allowed to talk about it. You’re allowed to talk to your parents and friends, and your brother. You’re allowed to be frustrated, but that doesn’t mean you can take it out on yourself or others. Once you can control that, you’ll be able to go home.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Roman sighed softly, running a hand through his hair. “How do I stop taking it out on myself, though? It’s my-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It is not your fault.” Picani leveled his gaze seriously at Roman and Roman swallowed nervously. “What happened to you isn’t your fault. Your depression isn’t your fault. What you did isn’t your fault. You were lost, and desperate. And you thought you were alone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am… I was alone.” Roman muttered. Picani raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Was?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah.” Roman frowned, shrugging. “Nobody knew, and now they know, so I’m… not… alone anymore. Right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not alone,” Picani confirmed, face breaking into a wide smile. “What else has changed, Roman?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh…” Roman put the taffy down on the table, thinking it over. What had changed since he first came to the clinic? “I don’t want to die anymore, most of the time. Which is nice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah, I sure hope it is.” Picani scoffed. Roman narrowed his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is… did… did you just quote a vine?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s a vine?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nevermind.” Roman waved a hand. “Uh… I guess I can imagine… a future. Now, thanks to you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I’m just here to help. You’re the one recovering.” Picani chuckled. “I’m proud of you, Roman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman’s breath caught and he looked up, meeting Picani’s eyes. Picani peered back from behind his glasses, smiling gently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But… I haven’t done anything.” Roman whispered softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve done a lot,” Picani said. “And you’ll do so much more, Roman. I know you will.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <b>One Year Later</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wake up, sleeping beauty!” a pillow smacked into Roman’s face and he sputtered, shoving it away and glaring across the room at his brother. “Unless you wanna be late!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Late for what?” Roman groaned, pulling blankets back over his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your own birthday party, dipshit. Come on let’s get going!” Remus pulled the blankets away with a flourish, putting his hands on his hips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s your birthday too, dumbass,” Roman mumbled, sitting up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I had a party alone last year and that’s not allowed to happen again!” Remus sighed, then winced. “Oh, sorry, uh-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you’d have enjoyed a whole day for yourself,” Roman said, tossing one of his own pillows at Remus’s face. “I’m getting up, okay. We’re not allowed to be sappy and sad on our birthday.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t tell me how to live my life, hotshot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll do whatever I want, trash man.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fucker.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bitch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever.” Remus rolled his eyes, walking back over to his side of the room to get dressed. “Just hurry up, we’re having french toast.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah.” Roman tumbled out of bed, yawning widely. He really was turning eighteen. That was… something he’d never expected to do, honestly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Over a year ago, he’d nearly made that a reality. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman glanced over at Remus, who still treated him like a brother - albeit a bit more nicely - while a lot of people treated him like a piece of fragile glass. He appreciated it. He thought back to the day waking up in the hospital, how he hadn’t been sure what to say or do when Remus was alone with him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, turd face,” Roman said as Remus went to leave. Remus raised an eyebrow and turned. “G’morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mornin’” Remus smiled sadly, stepping out of the room. Roman turned back to what he was doing, more thankful than ever that he’d somehow survived that summer.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Tada! I gave it a happy ending. That's what y'all wanted, right? if not, just pretend this is a different fic, and Roman still died at the end of the prequel! Easy! lol sorry to all you who like sad endings I just had the inspiration to end this one on a happy note.</p><p>Please leave requests, and I'll try to write em as soon as possible!</p><p>Love you all,</p><p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0047"><h2>47. White</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What's this? I'm actually writing a request? I'm actually writing an angst shot that DOESN'T trigger me? Who'd have thought that would happen? lydiia_is_here (Wattpad user who requested) I hope I understood your request lmao. This was fun and angsty to write!</p>
<p>Warnings: Self-hatred, trauma mentioned, death mentioned, abuse implied, child abuse implied, food mentions, injuries mentioned, self-deprecation, self-isolating, swearing, angst (no shit)</p>
<p>Also, Logince!</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman wasn’t looking forward to his 20th birthday. No one really ever did, to be fair. It was a coming of age celebration, certainly. And one usually found solace in friends and family gathering around to support them for the white roots of their hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone experienced some trauma, after all. It was normal to have a family member die, a car accident, a beloved pet run away, etc. Broken arms, concussions, parents divorce, those kinds of things. Everyone had a few centimeters to an inch of white hair after their 20th birthday.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, Roman wasn’t looking forward to this day in the slightest. He’d worked hard to put his past behind him, even though he’d barely escaped it a year and a half ago. His early life, his parents, his brother, that was all behind him. But after his birthday, it would be on full display. And he was not looking forward to it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because while, yes, everyone has a few instances of trauma, the white isn’t the same for everyone. The more you've experienced, the further the color covers your hair. And let it suffice to say that Roman had experienced more than what one would call the ‘average’ amount of trauma in the first 20 years of his life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s your big day!” Patton sang, joining Roman at the bus stop like he usually did. “Excited?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure.” Roman lied, smiling thinly. “But you know I don’t celebrate my birthdays, Patt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Psh, maybe not last year.” Patton scoffed. “But we’re best friends this year, so I’ve got tons of fun stuff planned! What time of day were you born?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eight PM.” Roman sighed, pulling his beanie further around his head. He wondered idly how much of it would change. It would certainly be more than the standard few centimeters or an inch, right? He’d been growing his hair out for this very reason. It’d seem like an incredible amount of trauma if he had short hair, but he had to hope that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, that’s perfect!” Patton cheered. “We’re having a party at Virgil’s, and I’m your ride! Okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Patt…” Roman frowned. “I really don’t care about this specific holiday.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aw, but we can give you hugs!” Patton pouted, and Roman glanced at the fair bit of white on his friend's head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton’s family home had burned down when he was twelve, taking his parents and sister. He was open about it. And it hadn’t been deliberately caused. Roman hated to think that the actions and intentions behind the trauma may play into the mount of white he got.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ve got cookies, blankets, Disney, everything’s planned!” Patton promised, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Today is your day!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hah, yep.” Roman forced a smile, looking away as the bus pulled to a stop in front of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was really not his day.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“You’re stressed,” Logan said, taking a seat next to Roman. Roman sighed, looking over with a quirked eyebrow at his boyfriend. How long would Logan want to stay with him after he saw into Roman’s past? Sure, he knew the bits and pieces and that Roman no longer spoke to his family, but he had no idea what kind of baggage Roman was hiding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, don’t worry about it.” Roman shrugged, taking Logan’s hand in his. “Just another day, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm, one might call it that.” Logan adjusted his glasses slowly. “Though I don’t think I’ve seen someone so anxious to turn 20. You already know about your past, what could happen?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not anxious.” Roman lied, rolling his eyes. “I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s almost time!” Patton yelled, pulling Virgil in from the kitchen. Virgil rolled his eyes. “You’re almost officially 20!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yay,” Roman said blandly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, stop being a baby.” Virgil laughed. “What’s the worse that could happen, you look like me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was… fair. Virgil’s hair had more white than Pattons, but he dyed it all purple out of anxiety.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d consider it a curse,” Roman said matter of factly. Virgil scoffed, rolling his eyes. Roman looked back over at his boyfriend, with just half an inch of white on the roots of his hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew his beanie was still in place, but the tips of his hair were showing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no way they’d be able to see, right? He’d have to take off the hat if they wanted to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton continued to chatter cheerfully as the clock ticked down, and Roman tried to join in and distract himself from the shitshow that was about to play out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The alarm they’d set up blared and Roman tensed, though he didn’t feel any different. He glanced at the others, who were staring at him with wide eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“R- gimme that.” Virgil lunged forward, pulling the beanie from Roman’s head before Roman could say anything. His ponytail fell out, and Roman lunged for a mirror they’d set nearby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>White.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was all white.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve got to be joking,” Roman muttered, running his fingers through the pale strands. He knew he was fucked up, but this was ridiculous.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman…?” Roman tensed, spinning around to stare at them. Patton had tears in his eyes, one hand extended timidly toward him. “C-Can I hug you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Roman got to his feet, grabbing his beanie from a frozen Virgil and pulling it on, pushing his hair up into it. “I gotta go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, wait-” Logan grabbed his wrist, and Roman winced, twisting away. He was pretty good at staying in the present, most of the time. But right now, anything more than this and he’d probably go into a full panic attack or flashback. Luckily, Logan let go and Roman dashed out of his friend's apartment, grabbing his backpack on the way out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a minute, Roman’s phone started to buzz from texts and calls from his friends. He ignored it, speedwalking through the evening light toward his apartment a few blocks away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He never should have gone to the party, but Patton was just… and Logan wanted him there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He laughed bitterly, wiping tears from his face. They were going to ask about his past. And when they found out, they were going to leave him. He was broken, disgusting, completely pathetic. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one would ever treat Roman like a person again. Not after seeing his hair. He hated it, and he hated wearing hats but he was going to have to wear one every day of his life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Roman uttered before falling onto his bed, memories and fears washing over him as he lay in the dark, completely and utterly alone.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Ay, princey, open up!” Roman groaned, rubbing his eyes as he managed to lift his head. He’d fallen asleep after having a panic attack for a few hours, and he was still fucking exhausted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you’re in there, your Snapchat location is on,” Virgil added. Roman sighed, sitting up and locating the beanie from under his pillow. He stumbled to the door and opened it, eyebrow raised.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey.” he blinked, realizing that Virgil wasn’t alone. Logan, Patton, and Janus - one of Patton’s friends - stood behind him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You gonna let us in or just stand there staring at us?” Virgil laughed. Roman stepped to the side, rubbing his eyes as he watched them file in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were gonna interrogate him or something, weren’t they? Then leave him, or finish what his parents had started all those years ago. Great. Just fucking-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You better breathe,” Virgil said, a bit more gentle than before. Roman took a few exaggerated breaths, meeting his eyes with a scowl, and Virgil chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I brought cookies!” Patton said, cheerfully shoving a Tupperware into Roman’s hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Roman murmured, walking over to put them on his table. He didn’t deserve cookies, and once they asked their questions they’d agree with him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you eaten today?” Logan asked, striding over to Roman’s fridge. Roman blinked, shaking his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… just woke up. What…” he glanced at the clock. Ah, shit. It was one in the afternoon already. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll order pizza, then,” Logan said, closing Roman’s nearly empty fridge. He’d been slacking on grocery buying the past week, knowing he wouldn’t have an appetite after this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman leaned on the counter, exhausted, as he watched his friends move around casually arranging chairs and finding his movie collection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not to like… sound like an asshole…” Roman finally groaned, rubbing his eyes again. “But what’re you guys doin’ here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re being friends, dipshit.” Virgil chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Janus is here because he’s Virgil’s hairdresser,” Patton added when Roman glanced curiously at the other. “He brought all his hair dye.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The pizza should be here in half an hour,” Logan said, finally turning to Roman. Roman tensed, closing his eyes against what was surely going to be cruel accusations or questions. After a moment of tense silence, he cracked one eye open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan was staring at him, expression one of heartbreak as he pulled his hand back from where he hadn’t even touched Roman’s shoulder yet. Guilt gnawed its way inside of Roman and he sighed, hanging his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should sit down,” Logan said softly, stepping to the side and gesturing to the blanket fort Patton had started to make.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure.” Roman made his way to the couch, sitting and burying his face in his hands. They’d been here for like, ten minutes. And they hadn’t asked about it. That was… weird.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman,” Janus stood in front of him, crouching to meet Roman’s eyes. “Might I look under your hat?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine, whatever.” Roman shrugged, pulling it off and dropping it to the floor. They already knew, now. It was already going to go downhill.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.” Janus gently tugged out the elastic from Roman’s tangled ponytail before combing his fingers through Roman’s hair. “You knew it would be extreme, I assume? Growing out your hair like this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“JD, shut the fuck up.” Virgil groaned. “It's none of our business.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- wait,” Roman pulled back, squinting around at them all. “You aren’t here to ask…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why the hell would we do that?” Virgil asked. “That’s the shittiest thing we could do, Roman. We’re here to watch movies and eat junk food cuz you deserve to vedge for a day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...ok…” Roman still wasn’t sure he believed that. It was pity, most likely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fun part is that since there’s no original color left, you can choose to do anything with it,” Janus said, returning to untangling Roman’s hair. “Your natural color won’t be hard to replicate, though we’d want to leave the roots exposed. If you wanted to hide this, that is. If not, we can have a lot more fun.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You sound like an insane person.” Virgil chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aw, be nice!” Patton giggled. “Janus is just passionate about hair.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, yeah, that’s it.” Janus rolled his eyes. “Don’t listen to Patton, Roman. I’m a psychologist. I specialize in trauma studies, and I’ve gotten a cosmetology degree to assist with that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman frowned warily, leaning away from him. Janus pulled his hands away respectfully, folding them in his lap. “So, what? You can figure out my past by looking at my hair?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” Janus rolled his eyes. “I want to help those who’ve experienced intense trauma live a normal life. That may include therapy, but I’m not a therapist. I’d have to recommend you one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t need a therapist,” Roman muttered, grabbing the elastic and pulling his hair back into a messy bun. “And I don’t need pity. But that’s all I’m gonna get now, isn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I said I could get your natural color.” Janus pointed out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We don’t pity you, Roman,” Logan said from where he stood by the table. “We care about you. This doesn’t change that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...right.” Roman looked at the floor, shaking his head. “You guys don’t need someone like me in your lives, okay? I knew this was gonna happen, but I wanted to pretend I could be normal while I had the chance. I’m fucked up, and nothing’s gonna change that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, well I don’t need one of these cookies,” Virgil said aggressively, pulling open the Tupperware and stuffing a cookie in his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Those are for Roman!” Patton complained, putting his hands on his hips. Roman chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Patt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As stated previously,” Logan cleared his throat. “We are not going to pry into your past. I’m well aware that you’ve distanced yourself from it, and I don’t need to know more. You’re the same person you’ve always been.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t get all sappy, Lo,” Roman laughed bitterly. “Or it’ll make me think you still want to date me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A beat of awkward silence followed his words and everyone turned to look at him. Roman winced. He’d fucked up, again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do still want to date you.” Logan frowned. “Are you uncomfortable in our current relationship? I apologize if that’s the case, I never intended… you thought I was going to break up with you? Over… over this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well… yeah.” Roman shrugged, fixing his gaze once more on the ground. “You’ve had a good life, you don’t need my shit. Why would you stick around?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you under the assumption that I don’t care for you?” Logan asked softly. “That this relationship was simply… convenient?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was under the assumption that I’m a fucked up piece of shit.” Roman chuckled miserably. “You know you guys are the first friends I’ve ever had? Gonna take a bit to believe you won’t leave me at the drop of a hat.” he gestured sadly at the beanie on the floor and Patton let out a sob, suddenly tackling Roman in a hug. Roman yelped, struggling for just a moment before realizing this was Patton. He sighed, hugging Patton back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We aren’t going anywhere, Princey,” Virgil said. “You’re stuck with us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I apologize for not making it clear…” Patton untangled himself from Roman as Logan walked over, sitting on the couch next to him. “But I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“O-Oh.” Roman blinked a few times, the words tumbling around inside his head. He blinked back tears, laughing sadly. “Um…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was dead. He was dying. He hadn’t heard someone genuinely say they loved him… god, since he was twelve? Eight? Had he ever heard it without the undercurrent of manipulation and sarcasm?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan didn’t lie. He never had.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan loved him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Roman choked out, burying his face in Logan’s chest. Logan hugged him tightly, trembling with emotion in a way Roman had never seen before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the first time since he started putting his life back together, Roman realized dully that this group of frie- this family… wasn’t going anywhere.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Awww, a happy ending! Who knew I could still write one of those XD</p>
<p>I may or may not have ended up projecting onto Roman a bit there with how I feel abt my own trauma (not as extreme as his) and this was fun to write!!</p>
<p>On that note, it's time for a mental health update! I'm doing swell, friends! I'm doing swell.</p>
<p>Please leave a request if you have one on the first chapter!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0048"><h2>48. Virgil was Virgil was Virgil</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hey guys! This is a pretty short, pretty intense, pretty sad whump fic! Also some intense Unsympathetic Virgil - so if you don't like that, stop reading.</p>
<p>WARNINGS: Rape/non-con, non-consensual drugging, dissociation, manipulation, depression, Unsympathetic Virgil, Toxic Prinxiety, whump, angst, Unhappy/Open ending</p>
<p>Enjoy it!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman stared up at the ceiling, though he didn’t really see it. Everything just seemed so… distant. Unreal. Like he was in a dream, or like he was watching his own life through a frosted pane of glass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He dimly registered the sound of his phone buzzing on the nightstand, but his limbs felt like stone and he didn’t even try to move. The buzzing stopped after a few minutes, and then picked up again as whoever it was called him again. Odd. It must be someone he knew… that is if he was even real. Was he real? Was anything real? Roman didn’t know. He didn’t know anything, he didn’t feel anything…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He blocked out the buzzing, staring blankly up at the ceiling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything just seemed so… pointless. He was going to die someday, wasn’t he? Was he even going to change the world at all? Probably not. Everything was falling apart, and nothing he could do would hold it together. It was useless to even try.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Princey!” Roman jumped, finally moving, finally seeming to see through his own eyes, when someone knocked on his window. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rolled over, realizing that he’d been lying on the floor - not his bed - and that Virgil was standing on the fire escape, eyebrow raised expectantly. Of course, he was on the fire escape, he never came to the door like a normal person. Virgil was always weird like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman forced himself up, pulling the window open to let Virgil inside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s up?” He asked - though he didn’t recognize his own voice. Virgil pulled him to the bed, frowning worriedly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t answer your phone and I got worried.” Virgil huffed, grabbing it from Roman’s nightstand. “It’s not dead, what’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh…” Roman blinked, trying to focus enough on himself to respond. Virgil frowned deeper at this, brushing his bangs out of his face to see Roman better. “Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look like shit.” Virgil frowned, dropping Roman’s phone on his pillow and leaning over, cupping his face in his hands. Roman jolted uncertainly at the contact, warmth spreading through him from where Virgil’s skin made contact. Virgil was always warm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, sorry, um…” Roman shook his head, pulling away and combing his hair back. “I didn’t, uh… mean to ignore your calls.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, what’s going on?” Virgil asked. “You aren’t acting like yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman sighed, slumping against his friend's shoulder. Virgil wrapped an arm around his shoulders and Roman’s body trembled, surprised at the familiar gesture.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was familiar, wasn’t it? They sat like this a lot, on movie nights and just when hanging out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you feeling?” Virgil asked gently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… I’m not…” Roman frowned, trying to identify any emotion only to find that he felt like an endless void, nothing but fog swirling within him. “I don’t… feel anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay…” Virgil breathed deeply, and Roman copied him out of habit. “Emotionally?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… yeah.” Roman sighed and turned to bury his face in Virgil’s shoulder. He was warm, solid. Not the kind of solid his floor was, cold and aloof. Virgil was solid and grounding and warm and… familiar. It was familiar, wasn’t it? He knew Virgil, he’d known Virgil for years. They were best friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you feel physically?” Virgil asked, voice light and curious. Roman hummed, closing his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… you.” He ran his fingers across Virgil’s jacket. “You’re warm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anything else?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘M tired,” Roman admitted, pulling his legs up onto the bed with them. “But I can’t sleep.” Virgil nodded, Roman felt the shift of his body when he did so.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why can’t you sleep?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno.” Roman groaned. “Everythings so… far away, Vee. Don’t wanna lose it…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Virgil ran his fingers through Roman’s hair. “I’m not far away, am I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah.” Roman chuckled, turning to smile up at his friend's familiar face. It was familiar, wasn’t it? He was bad with faces, but Virgil’s was always easy to recognize. He always wore that eyeshadow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re close, actually. It’s…” He paused, struggling to explain. “I dunno.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can sleep, I’ll stay,” Virgil said gently. “I’ll be here to make sure you don’t get further away.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- what?” Roman rubbed his eyes, pulling away slightly. He knew… Virgil had a life, right? He had things to do, he…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Go to sleep, Romano.” Virgil chuckled, putting a hand over Roman’s eyes. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...yeah.” Roman leaned against Virgil again, eyes slipping shut. He was so tired… and Virgil was so warm. It was nice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Virgil stared down at the sleeping person next to him, baffled and intrigued by this turn of events. Roman was dissociating - really badly. He hadn’t known Roman experienced that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked so peaceful while he was sleeping, too. Virgil brushed his hair back, running his fingers down along Roman’s jaw as he did so. He was so pretty… and he’d been so willing to trust Virgil. Sure, they’d been friends for years, but Virgil was surprised by it. He wanted Roman to trust him… he wanted Roman to be able to rely on him for everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d been trying to gain Roman’s complete trust for years now, just so he could try and take what he wanted, but apparently he already had it. Roman had trusted him enough to let him into his room, through the window, while he was completely distanced from reality.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it was the fact that he was distanced from reality, though.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil smirked, putting Roman into a more comfortable - more vulnerable - position. He rather liked Roman liked that, all soft and confused. Relying so much on Virgil’s presence and warmth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil shed his jacket, kneeling on the bed next to Roman’s reclining body. He might not be completely asleep yet… though he probably wouldn’t be able to do much about this anyway, considering what Virgil had seen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil wondered idly as he removed Roman’s clothes - gentle, to not disturb him too much - what the drugs he’d recently acquired would do to Roman if he was already like this. Obviously, Virgil wasn’t about to wait around for ages while he wore Roman down. He’d been planning - tonight, actually - to slip a little something into Roman’s drink when they went to the movies. But he’d missed Virgil’s calls, and the theater was long closed by now. Would it make Roman even more sleepy and obedient? Would he just lose it completely? Virgil didn’t want that. He wanted Roman to know, at least some of the time, how much control Virgil had over him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, Virgil smiled, looking down at Roman’s sleeping face, he’d just have to find out, wouldn’t he?</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman groaned, blinking his eyes open to find sunlight streaming through the windows of his apartment. It was the middle of the day? He sat up, rubbing his eyes, wondering why he felt so… weird.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After slowly waking up, Roman realized that the weird feeling was coming from… what the hell?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re awake.” Roman’s head snapped over, finding Virgil in the doorway to his bedroom. What had happened? When had Virgil gotten here? Why… who… when had someone been /down there/?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Vee?” He groaned, turning and letting his legs hang off the bed. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were pretty dissociated last night,” Virgil said gently, walking over to sit next to him. “I came over to make sure you were okay. Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman nodded, confusion filling his thoughts. Virgil didn’t seem to know anything about… /that/. Was Roman imagining it? Maybe he’d slept weird, or… had a nightmare? After all, Virgil would know if anything bad happened. Virgil was the person Roman trusted the most, he was… Virgil. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Here, you’re dehydrated.” Virgil pressed a glass of water into Roman’s hand and Roman smiled appreciatively, downing it in a few gulps. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Vee.” Roman smiled, bumping into Virgil gently with his shoulder. “You’re great.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah.” Virgil took the empty glass and stood, rolling his eyes. “Ready to go? We were going over to my place to play video games today.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We were?” Roman didn’t remember that… though he’d been pretty out of it the past week or so. He’d probably just forgotten.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have a bigger tv,” Virgil explained, smirking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman rolled his eyes, finding a t-shirt and some jeans to put on instead of his pajamas. He felt dizzy and tired, he was probably still kind of dissociated, if what Virgil had said was true. Which, it probably was. Virgil wasn’t a liar, not as far as Roman knew. And Roman had known him for years.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You okay?” Virgil wrapped an arm around Roman’s shoulders as they made their way from Roman’s apartment to the parking lot. “You seem kinda… out of it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno,” Roman grumbled, rubbing his temples. “Probably just… still tryna wake up fully. Y’know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Virgil nodded knowingly, opening the door of his car for Roman. “Take it easy, dude. You had a rough day yesterday.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Roman got in, leaning his head on the seat tiredly as Virgil joined him and started the car. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The drive to Virgil’s place was only about fifteen minutes, but by the time they got there… Roman was tired. Or something. Maybe he was dissociating again? Nothing had really triggered it… but sometimes that’s just how it was. He just knew that he felt like he was in a giant bubble, and the only thing he could really focus on was Virgil’s gentle grounding techniques. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just breathe with me, Ro, that’s good.” He gently helped Roman out of the car and to his house - a bigger estate he’d inherited. “Just focus on me, can you hear me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah.” Roman looked over, focusing on his friend's face. It was familiar. He knew this. Virgil, Virgil’s house, Virgil’s voice, Virgil. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m always here for you,” Virgil promised. “You wanna lay down? You don’t look so good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now that Virgil mentioned it, Roman really really wanted to lay down. He nodded, stumbling slightly as Virgil led him up the stairs to his bedroom. He could have used the couch, but Virgil was a good guy. He’d probably hate himself for letting Roman rest on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on, you’re okay.” Virgil soothed, letting Roman sit before doing something… weird. He pulled Roman’s t-shirt up over his head, letting it drop to the floor. Roman made a noise of confusion, squinting up at his friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- Vee, what’re you doing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just relax, Ro.” Virgil pushed Roman down to the bed, hands falling to the waistband of his jeans. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimly, in Roman’s foggy mind, alarm bells rang and rang and rang. But this was Virgil. This was what Roman knew. It was all Roman could rely on, when the world was a disaster, and Virgil was the only constant he had. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could tell himself that all he wanted, but that didn’t change what Virgil was doing. What he did. Roman was in his bubble, unable to really stop it from happening as Virgil stripped them both down, soothingly talking to him all the while. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was Virgil was Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was raping him.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm not sorry...</p>
<p>Do you want a sequel? Do you want it to end happy? Do you want it to end sad? Do you not want a sequel? Let me know!</p>
<p>Please request on the first chapter!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0049"><h2>49. Trigger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Oh look... I'm back... with a vent fic where I project my experiences onto Roman... cool...</p>
<p>Warnings: Unsympathetic Remus, rape/non-con, forced incest, traumatic amnesia, foster care, fire mentions, death mentions, open ending</p>
<p>Sorry...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman winced as the bed creaked above him, drawing his eyes open to the reality that he was on the bottom bunk. He hated the bottom bunk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The top bunk wasn’t even a bed, though. It was a storage shelf. To conserve space in the small bedroom. So there was nothing to worry about. Hell, he didn’t even know why he was worried. It’s not like he could remember anything that happened before he was, what, ten? Nine? The earliest thing he could remember in his life was… gee… the fire?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He remembered… bits and pieces. Kind of. He remembered what his family looked like. Their faces, names, house, etc. But no… events. No memories. None that actually made sense. He’d get a glimpse of a dinner, sitting around the table with them. Or a flash of some weekend celebration, playing with sparklers and trying to set his brother on fire. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman grimaced. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His brother…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s what his name was, wasn’t it? He’d set the house on fire. He’d killed their parents. He’d - … he’d done something. Roman groaned, sitting up and getting out of bed, starting to pace. He’d always had a shitty memory like this, it wasn’t fair. All he knew was that Remus was bad news, and it was a good thing he was in a reformatory for as long as it took him to… not be Like That. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman?” Roman jumped at the quiet knock on his door. “Sweetie, why are you up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh. It was just his foster dad. Roman opened his mouth to reply, only to find that - annoyingly - he wasn’t able to speak at the moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was with that? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone said he’d been through trauma - and a lot of it - even before the fire. Therapists said it was the only explanation, doctors saw the scars, social workers saw his reaction to Remus’s name.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But for the life of him, Roman couldn't figure out what it was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, knock on something twice if you don’t want me to open the door,” Patton said after Roman’s silence. Roman sighed, shoulders falling, as he didn’t rap his knuckles on the wall. After another moment, Patton slowly opened the door and stepped inside, leaving it wide open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why did closed doors scare Roman so freaking much?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman shrugged, gesturing idly at the bed, even though he knew Patton wouldn’t understand. Patton frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t… sleep on the couch every single night,” he said gently. “It’s… it’s not…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yeah, yeah. Roman didn’t want to fuck up these guys’ chances of fostering in the future, either. But he hated bunk beds. They felt too closed off, too dangerous. He wouldn’t be able to run or escape if Remus swung down and-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And… he’d do something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman grimaced, burying his head in his hands. Patton made a soft noise of understanding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re remembering things, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman didn’t know how to respond to that. Because, really, he wasn’t. He wasn’t remembering anything important. Nothing that would help to explain why he was so fucked up. He remembered what he was afraid of, but had no reason why. Other than Remus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jesus, even thinking his name made Roman feel unsafe. He looked at Patton desperately, trying to communicate his problem with just eye contact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unfortunately, he didn’t have telepathic powers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Still about… you-know-who…?” Patton slowly made his way over, one arm out in an offered hug. Roman nodded, letting Patton brush against him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was grounding. One thing he… was pretty sure he remembered… was that Remus was never gentle with anything he did. Patton was gentle, Janus was gentle, and nobody here would hurt him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman let out a strangled sob, collapsing into Patton’s arms. He felt so pathetic. He was seventeen years old, for crying out loud! He shouldn’t be sobbing into… this wasn’t even his real dad. His biological dad was dead because his brother was fucked up and set the house on fire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton soothed him gently, helping Roman out to the couch, where he lay with a blanket as Patton ran his hands through his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Without the top bunk above him, always looming and creaking and threatening, Roman fell asleep.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The doctors had explained what a trigger was. Several times, in fact. But Roman just didn’t understand why they thought certain things were these so-called ‘triggers’.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bunk beds? Avengers action figures? Those were just normal kid things, it was ridiculous that Roman’s throat closed up and his mind flashed back to almost memories whenever they came up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus, sure, Roman figured that was an obvious trigger. Fire, sirens, etc.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But… the others just didn’t make sense.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton and Janus took apart the top bunk, helping Roman build shelves on a wall in his room instead of storing things above him. He could sleep again, peacefully staring at the ceiling, with no strange worries. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was glad he’d managed to explain that it wasn’t the bed itself - but the fact it was a bunk bed - after a few weeks of living in their house. A lot of other foster homes hadn’t understood, and Roman had gone from home to recovery center to group home to home until ending up here. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman,” Patton gently got his attention one afternoon, while Roman sat at the kitchen table trying to do homework. Roman looked up, eyebrows raised. “Are… you ready to go?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...go where?” Roman blinked, thinking back. What day was it… Thursday? Right. What happened on Thursdays…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your therapy appointment, hun.” Patton smiled slightly, nodding toward the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah.” Roman grimaced, feeling like an idiot. He’d been going to therapy every Thursday for months now. “Sorry, I got distracted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No problem, kiddo!” Patton smiled. “Grab your shoes, we can put your homework away when we get back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Roman sighed, grabbing his converse and stuffing his feet into them as he followed Patton out to the driveway. “Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No need to apologize, Roman!” Patton scolded playfully. “We all forget things, sometimes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Roman looked out the window, frowning at his reflection. Patton was right, of course. But not everyone forgot their entire childhood. And not everyone forgot every tiny thing they needed to remember.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton kept talking, chattering about something he and Janus were planning. Roman tried to pay attention - he really did - but he always spaced out on car rides. It didn’t happen as much when he was in shotgun, but it still happened sometimes even then.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The memories kept prodding, but Roman couldn't gain access to them. It was like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue… but you have no idea what letter it even starts with. But with everything about Roman’s past. He could feel the influence of his brother. The fear, the control Remus had over him. He could get Roman to do anything at all, even if it was…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman jumped when Patton put a hand on his arm, looking concerned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S-sorry.” Roman stuttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re here - are you okay? You looked pretty upset.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I-I’m… I’m fine.” Roman insisted, taking a few deep breaths. “Just spaced out for a minute. Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright.” Patton smiled sadly. “Well, let’s go. Dr. Picani said you’d been making progress, lately.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman wasn’t sure. He couldn't really remember what they talked about at his last appointment. It had been something to do with… the memories. Maybe. Or maybe the fire, Roman wasn’t sure. They’d talked about the fire… a few weeks ago. Maybe. Or, maybe…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe they’d talked about Remus?</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shut up, Roman. They can’t hear you, and even if they did they wouldn’t care.” Remus pressed his hand over Roman’s mouth, and Roman stared at him. “We play this game all the time, I don’t see why you’re still so upset about it.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Because it was weird and it felt weird and momma always said not to let anyone touch him there and because he wanted to sleep and because he didn’t want to play-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey!” Remus leaned closer, grinning widely. “Focus, bro. We’re just playing a game.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A game. They were just playing a game. So it was fine. Games were fine. They were brothers. They played games all the time.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Roman stopped fighting, watching with watery eyes as Remus pulled away his pajama pants, face falling into an unreadable expression.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They were just playing a game.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was a game. It was a game. It was a game it wasn’t real  it was a game it was a game it was a game it was-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” Roman bolted upright, choked sobs escaping from his throat as the nightmare played over and over and over in his mind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He heard a door open down the hall, and within moments Janus had slammed the door open, making Roman jump in fright.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman?” Janus frowned upon seeing him still in bed, albeit cowering in the corner of it against the wall. “What happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing.” the lie fell from Roman’s lips before he even registered what Janus said. “I-it was… it was just a game- I mean a dream. A… a bad dream… I’m okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Patton poked his head in the door, running a hand through his hair worriedly. “We can make hot chocolate if you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” Roman couldn't move. His mind just kept replaying that dream… it was way too clear to be a dream… a memory? No way. His brother was violent, but he’d never…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m okay.” Roman pulled the blankets securely over himself, heart pounding. “Leave the door open.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A beat of silence, in which he was sure Janus and Patton exchanged worried looks before Janus sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright. Be sure to tell us if you need anything,” he said before Roman heard both sets of feet travel down the hall and into their own bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus’s voice echoed in Roman’s ears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just a game.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was just a game.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman was starting to realize why normal kid things bugged him so much, but he had no idea what to do about it.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman’s mind was strangely clear in the few days after his nightmare. Clear, but distracted at the same time. He kept remembering that dream - memory - and he’d had a panic attack at school today because of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t exactly sure what set it off, but one moment he’d been doing his work and the next he’d been hearing Remus’s soft childlike voice repeating those words in his ear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton picked him up from the office, where Roman was curled up in a chair with his mouth clamped shut, trying to block out the memory.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman was starting to wish he hadn’t remembered anything. That he’d never asked Dr. Picani to help him understand his trauma. He wished he’d just let it go and lived his life as a boy with no childhood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sweetheart…” Patton touched Roman’s shoulder gently. Roman looked over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was on the couch now. When had… when had they gotten home?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you please tell me what’s wrong? If you can talk, right now?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman found he couldn't even open his mouth, too paralyzed by fear as Remus’s voice told him to never tell a soul because it was their game and they were brothers and brothers looked out for each other and brothers kept secrets from everyone else and brothers </span>
  <em>
    <span>played their own special games-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman jerked forward, grabbing his backpack from the floor and finding a notebook and pencil. Patton sat back, watching worriedly as he hesitated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Patton said softly. “Only do what you want to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stared at him for a moment, pencil digging a dark mark into the paper where he’d pushed it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What he wanted to do…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman wanted to sleep. He didn’t want to play.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman wanted to talk. He didn’t want to keep secrets.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman wanted to… He didn’t… he couldn't… could he?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why had he only started remembering things now, instead of after years of everyone trying to figure out what was wrong with him? Roman’s thoughts drifted to the bunk bed - the first one he’d slept on since he entered the system.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kiddo?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman looked back down at the paper, lifting his pencil for a moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman didn’t want this to be a secret anymore. So he took a deep breath, looking back at Patton, and memorizing his face in his mind. The first time he’d cared to try and remember a face in his life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then he tore his gaze away, putting the pencil to paper, and started scribbling out what he’d remembered in the dream.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was crying by the time he finished, tears falling and making the paper wet and smudging his pencil lead, but he finished.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman shoved the notebook into Patton's hands, curling in on himself and sobbing as Patton read it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Roman…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman wanted his brother back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman never wanted to see his brother's face again.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry I haven't posted in this book recently...</p>
<p>I've been dealing with some shit.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0050"><h2>50. House of Memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Heyyyyy dudes! First off, I didn't expect this one-shot to be so long lol. That's why the title mostly fits with the first bit, and not the rest. But I like the title, so we're keeping it. (yes, I thought of this while listening to Panic! At The Disco and I won't apologize)<br/>Thanks for all being such cool people, also! I know my last oneshot wasn't... the kind of thing I usually post. I'm working shit out, etc. etc. Don't worry about me! Lol.</p>
<p>Worry about Roman. Because this chapter... this chapter is A Lot.</p>
<p>Warnings: attempted suicide, suicidal ideation, unintentional Unsympathetic Patton (he's just v upset and confused and yeah), food mentions, self-hatred, feeling numb, POF spoilers.... and I think that's about it. Lol.</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman smiled sadly, waving his hand to restart the scene around him. It was the first Sanders Sides episode. Everyone had been so excited… Thomas had been so excited. They’d all worked so hard, Roman had spent so long talking over the script with him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Back then, they’d had no idea what it would do. How big the series would become… how much of their emotions and drama would be shown.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman frowned, skipping forward a bit to the first appearance of Virgil. Oh, stormcloud. He’d really gone for it, back then. Roman hated to admit he’d disliked the other, but suggesting he be a villain? Virgil had eaten it up!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Until… the memories - on screen and off - rushed past Roman until he landed on the end of season one. He ducked out. It had become too much, oh… how he regretted not realizing that Virgil had more to offer than the antagonist. He wasn’t the emotions guy… he wasn’t the smart guy, how could he have realized? Perhaps… no. Roman skipped forward to the Christmas song. He’d beaten himself up enough about the way he treated Virgil. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, how much fun he’d had working with Thomas and Joan, creating this world and this story. So many people enjoyed it - they made fanart and costumes and stories of their own - it was all Roman could have ever wanted. And oh, he wanted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How much he regretted, quips and remarks and blatant insults. He’d kept Thomas from even knowing about Remus - until an episode had to be made about it. He’d let Deceit - Janus, actually - take over the story and twist it and make everyone feel awful and it had been in the script. They’d known it would happen but… still. Roman felt so incredibly tired, and used.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He paused the most recent memory - off-camera as it was. He really only had access to his own memories, or the episodes that he’d helped to film and edit and write. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been here, in the memory banks, but he didn’t really care. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wouldn’t affect Thomas in any way, if he stayed in here forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The last memory Roman had access to was one of him ducking out, as they’d put it. Taking himself out of the equation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was for awful, selfish reasons.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was… tired. He didn’t want to do this - he couldn't do this. Not anymore. Not after he’d made so many outrageous mistakes. He’d shifted creative control onto his brother - giving him access to everything he needed to be what the others required. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Part of him felt bad, leaving Remus to fill his shoes. But, in all honesty, Remus would probably do better than he could have. He was always better at understanding the shades of morality, which the show had recently begun to explore in earnest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman didn’t understand. His argument had been scripted, yes, but it was true. As was Virgil’s pain when he revealed his past, and Janus’s vulnerability in sharing his name. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps, after some time, they would forget about him. That thought hurt more than Roman wanted to admit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The memory switched again, to Thomas’s childhood. When everything made so much more sense. Good was good, and bad was bad, and you always knew who to ask for the answers. You always knew you had a plate on the table at night, and a bed in your room to sleep in, and a friend or two to confide in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On one hand… maybe it would be better for Thomas and everyone else to forget he’d existed at all. Or, perhaps that wasn’t possible now with the videos… perhaps they wouldn’t care. That would be best.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the other hand… Roman didn’t want to be forgotten. Tears burned his eyes and he hastily wiped them away, watching as Thomas performed in his very first play. He wanted to be part of the world - of this narrative, that he’d helped Thomas and Joan and everyone else create. He wanted to be there - he wanted to be needed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A hero, a rock. Someone that was always there for Thomas, no matter what. Always there onstage, in front of the camera, when writing or listening to music or singing while he did the dishes… he wanted to be part of it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But it was too late.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman slid to the ground, curling in on himself as his face crumpled in despair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was too late. He’d done it. He’d left and ducked out and - god, essentially killed himself - he couldn't be a part of anything anymore. He wanted to be, but he couldn't. When he left the memory banks, he’d be pulled into the subconscious. That's why he’d hidden here, after all. He couldn't risk someone finding him and pulling him from the temporary limbo he was in after ducking out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil hadn’t seemed to realize his intentions, Roman noted as he stifled a sob. When he asked about it, under the guise of being worried about his friends absence after the Remus fiasco. He’d made Virgil promise not to try to duck out. Made him tell Roman - after Virgil hesitated - the process so that Roman could get him back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil had seemed… lighter. A bit happier, after their conversation. They’d watched movies, made fun of Janus - god, Roman had never apologised to Janus - and fallen asleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And the next day, Roman went to his room and sealed it, shifting the weight of creativity onto Remus, and ducked out. And here he was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure how long he’d been here, as he listened to the memory of Thomas discovering Vine. Oh, what good times they’d had on that app. So much creative energy, poured into seven seconds! It had been… fun. Roman would miss it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hell, who was he kidding? He’d miss all of it. He’d miss everything about being a part of Thomas’s life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which memory was this?” Roman wasn’t sure. He was so tired…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman…” this time it was more of a sigh. Then gentle hands lifted underneath Roman’s shoulders, pulling him up and putting him on his feet. Roman’s eyes shot open in terror as he realized what had happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’d found him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How!? Nobody went into the memory banks - it was too dangerous, especially for-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And that’s why we must leave.” The voice chided, looping one of Roman’s arms over their shoulders. Roman nodded unhappily, feeling the weight he shared with his brother once again return.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn't duck out now, it was impossible. He had to be alone - that’s what Virgil had said. If someone found him, pulled him back, brought it to Thomas’s attention, he’d be stuck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was stuck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You need rest, Roman.” They were back in Romans room - though nobody but he and the person who found him was there. Odd. Wait… who was this? Roman opened his eyes, blinking at the person beside him as they lowered him onto his bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“L’gan?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.” Logan adjusted his glasses, eyes skating over Roman’s face. “You’re most likely dehydrated as well… crying does that, you know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, um-” Roman sat up slowly, accepting a bottled water that Logan handed him. “H-how did you…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not stupid, Roman.” Logan sighed. “After Virgil ducked out - months ago - I did all I could to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. With anyone. That included setting up a… well, I suppose you could call it an alarm system. It would alert me if there was an attempt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Though you were incredibly foolish to hide in the archives,” Logan noted, frowning deeper. “You know that meddling with memories can be disastrous, and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t meddling,” Roman muttered, swirling the water around and watching it instead of Logan. “I was just…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Regardless of your intentions,” Logan stood up and straightened his tie. “You need rest. Thomas is expecting me to return with you - as I warned him against entering the memory banks himself - and I’d rather not have to talk to him and try to keep you from doing something more stupid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman felt an awful sinking in his stomach, realizing that Thomas was in the mind palace commons, with Patton and Janus and - Remus? - who undoubtedly had things to say on this matter. “I can-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Absolutely not.” Logan shook his head. “Not only did you use so much energy to duck out, but you were in the archives, and by the looks of it having a panic attack. You need rest.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you leaving?” Roman set the bottled water on his nightstand, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. Logan hesitated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Only… only for a moment. I’ll be back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Roman nodded, watching as Logan sunk out and into the commons.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman flopped down, rolling over to bury his face in the pillow. Great. Just great.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not only had he tried to duck out - but he’d failed. And now everyone was going to freak out about it the next time he saw them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was not looking forward to that.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>He’d fallen asleep before Logan came back, and part of Roman expected to be alone when he woke fully. The thought was awfully depressing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The closer he got to actually being awake, though, the more surprised he was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He heard pages turning, slowly. Someone was reading - probably Logan. But he also felt someone sitting on the foot of his bed - a different location than the sound of pages.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe he was still in the memory banks, and he’d gotten corrupted by them. That could happen, couldn't it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman opened his eyes, frowning when he saw a tangle of purple and black on the end of his bed. Virgil? He rubbed his eyes roughly, looking again. Virgil hadn’t left his room since the video with Remus - and he hated coming into Roman’s room. It was too ‘bright and happy’ for the self-appointed lord of darkness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t look so surprised, Princey.” Virgil snorted, kicking him gently. “We’re friends, right? You aren’t getting out of this on my watch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...right.” Roman sighed, recalling fully the events of the previous - day? How long had he been asleep?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Water.” Logan supplied, not looking up from his book as he handed another bottle to Roman. He took it, guzzling it quickly as he glanced between the other two.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why were they still here? To make sure he didn’t duck out again? And what was with Virgil saying they were friends, anyway? Roman still had a lot of cruelty to make up for before he could be friends with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not to mention everything he’d done to Logan out of spite - god, he was awful wasn’t he?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Falsehood.” Logan sighed, closing his book and turning. Virgil snickered. “Your cognitive distortions are severely impacting your ability to-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My wh- I don’t have those.” Roman said in confusion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever you call this,” Logan adjusted his glasses. “Isn’t… good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just like the rest of me, then.” Roman muttered, burying his face in his hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whoa - what!?” Virgil sat up, putting his phone away. “Who- okay, actually, nevermind on that one. Why do you believe you’re not good?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t feel good,” Roman said. “I feel… blerhgghg.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Th- what?” Logan sighed. “That’s not-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know what he means.” Virgil said. “You feel the same way, L. Don’t tell me you’re gonna deny all those talks we’ve had.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh. Virgil and Logan were friends - that was unexpected. Though Roman figured he should have guessed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose you’re right.” Logan sighed, reaching to gently lift Roman’s head and meet his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not inadequate, Roman.” Roman blinked a few times, trying to wrap his head around what Logan had just said. “You are enough - more than enough, really. Thomas needs you - and he wants you to be well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I know.” Roman shrugged, sitting up a bit straighter as he realized how much effort would have to be put into getting everyone to realize he knew that. “I never… doubted that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not for long.” Roman corrected himself, shoulders slumping. “That’s not… why I…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why else would you try to-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up, Logan, let him talk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t…” Roman swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat. He wasn’t going to cry again. “I’m tired. I’m so… so tired. I’m tired of trying and failing, I’m tired of existing. I know Thomas needs me and wants me, and that you all think I can do this, but I can’t.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- Roman-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t do this anymore.” Roman said, a bit louder, as tears pressed forward despite his best efforts. “I can’t keep finding out that I’m wrong, I can’t… I can’t keep trying and trying and trying and failing. I don’t want to keep trying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ro-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, it’s stupid.” Roman laughed bitterly, wiping tears away. “I’m the creative side, I’m supposed to-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Roman, it’s not stupid.” Logan put a hand on his shoulder and Roman stared at it, not sure if he wanted to push it away or not. “You are creative, but you’re more than just that. You’re his goals, his fantasies, his hopes and dreams, and desires. After so many disappointing events, especially in such a short time… we should have realized how hard that must have been.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, well you left actor off that list.” Roman sighed, shaking his head. “Except now, Thomas knows I’m feeling like shit. Because I tried to leave, and failed, and I don’t want to be here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, they’re all pretty stressed about it.” Virgil noted, smirking slightly. Roman scowled. “What? You think I wasn’t pissed about how the last video went? Thomas called you stupid for saying how you felt. Even Logan has more tact than that. So, yeah, they’re gonna keep thinking about what could have happened if you succeeded, and how awful they were to you, until I feel like you’re ready to face them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re kindof a dick.” Roman chuckled, rubbing tears from his face. Virgil shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve prevented Thomas from summoning us, when we’re in here.” Logan said after a moment. “I want to be sure you’re up to facing them before we do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Roman looked around, realizing idly that this wasn’t… exactly his room. “Where are we, again? I thought-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Virgil and I cannot spend such a long time in your domain without side effects.” Logan said, smiling slightly. “So I’ve created a neutral zone, fashioned as a bedroom for your comfort, that we can all wait in until you agree to leave. I can also keep it waiting for us, if you change your mind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Roman hesitated, glancing at the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The idea of facing Thomas - and who knows how many of the other sides - made him feel exhausted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not ready.” Logan said, as if reading his mind. “I’ve told them to expect at least a few days of relative silence from the rest of us. Luckily, Thomas is on a break while he babysits Gavin, so he should be alright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Roman sighed heavily, looking between his two… friends… once more. “Thank you, Logan.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“I can make them feel worse before we head out there if you want.” Virgil suggested. Roman scowled, shoving him gently. Virgil chuckled. “Okay, okay, I won’t. Geez.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have both of our support, Roman.” Logan said, then nodded to Virgil. Roman watched him sink out. They’d agreed that Virgil would go first, and let the others - who Roman now knew were Thomas, Patton, Janus, and Remus - know that they were ready to talk. Apparently several arguments had occurred about ‘whose fault it was’ when Roman tried to duck out, leading to Logan and Virgil pulling further away from the others' good graces.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is going to be interesting,” Roman muttered, messing with his sash before sinking out with Logan, appearing between him and Virgil instead of his usual spot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman!'' The chorus of ecstatic voices made Roman winced, glancing between them all. Thomas, looking relieved and exhausted. Patton, tearful and slightly… aggressive. Janus, who Roman didn’t even bother to try to read. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Everyone.” he greeted, offering a tired smile. “I’m told you all wanted to talk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah!” Thomas said, flinging an arm toward him. “What the heck? Are you like, okay?! Why on earth would you try to duck out, you already know it messes with my head, and… you know we’d miss you!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, well…” Roman took a slight step back, bumping into the banister. Logan put a supportive hand on his shoulder. “That… that is a wonderful question. Er-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you think?” Virgil muttered. “It’s because you all made him feel like shit!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wha-! We didn’t mean to!” Patton whined. “Besides, you’re the last person that talked to him, how do we know you didn’t do something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For crying out-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” Roman’s eyes widened and he stepped forward, holding out an arm to silence Virgil’s indignant spluttering. “Virgil had nothing to do with this! None of you had anything to do with this!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As if-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Virgil, I mean it!” Roman snapped. “No one individually made me decide I no longer wanted to exist! I can take criticism! Not well, but not that badly!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do we know they aren’t making you say that?” Patton protested. “They’ve had you locked up with them for-” Roman drew his sword, putting the tip at Patton’s throat. Patton’s eyes widened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If they wanted to make me say something,” he said slowly, trying to contain the anger welling up. “They’d have me accuse you all of hurting me. Which I have not done. If you’d let me speak, for once, you’d understand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman…” He turned his head, looking at Thomas expectantly. “I’ll listen, Roman. I just want to know that you’re okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright.” Roman pulled his sword away, not looking back at Patton. “I didn’t just decide to duck out. It certainly wasn’t because of a single person, or a small fraction of people. I ducked out because I’m exhausted. I’ve felt exhausted for so long I can hardly feel anything else, and I need a break. A real break. The only way I see this working is if I don’t have to do this anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We didn’t make you feel… worthless?” Thomas asked slowly. Roman shook his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never felt worthless, exactly.” He said. “I know I can do things, I know I still have so much art to create, and stories to write, with you. But I can’t do any of that. I don’t… have access… to myself. To you. To anything that could help me do this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do… what?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This.” Roman waved a hand around at all of them, standing in a circle like they always did. “It’s… it feels impossible. I don’t understand half of what’s happened in your life recently, Thomas. When I try to get clarification, or see if I’m on the same page, I just get more confused.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t expect me to believe they didn’t hurt you.” Virgil said after a beat of silence. Roman sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They did, Virgil. But so have you, and Logan. People get hurt. I can handle getting hurt. But I need to be able to deal with it and process - I can’t process anything if you refuse to help me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I’m beginning to understand.” Roman jumped in surprise when Janus spoke, as he’d been silent since the beginning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut it, you-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Vee.” Roman looked at Janus curiously, brow furrowed. “I want to see if he’s right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your entire identity has revolved around black and white morality for a very long time.” Janus said, glancing from Roman to Thomas. “All you’ve ever allowed yourself to think was that good was good, and bad was bad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, shit. Janus was right.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But… we know now that-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Janus shook his head. “You know that, Thomas. You’ve learned that. Patton as well. Logan always knew.” Roman winced as Janus met his gaze again. “Learning that your entire identity was based on something untrue… that takes time to process. Especially with the other factors playing in Thomas’s life. Expecting Roman to immediately accept that morality isn’t as simple as that… is cruel. And impossible.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman stepped back, rubbing his eyes tiredly as the group slowly seemed to finally understand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t do this anymore,” he said softly. “I can’t continue to be the… the hero… if I don’t understand what you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Thomas said gently. “I’m sorry I… didn’t help make it clear for you. We can all do better at making things clear.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re forgiven, I suppose.” Roman shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman.” Roman looked up, surprised at the expression on Thomas’s face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want you to work with me. We can figure this out together.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really... liked how this turned out. I intended to make it short, and open-ended, but... then I just did this instead lmao.</p>
<p>Thanks for reading my stuff, guys. Y'all are the best.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Coby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0051"><h2>51. Protector</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Heyyy Dudes!! Got some new hot content coming your wayyyyy it took so long to write this we just had so much writers block and then we were moving and shit BUT we finished it so heeeeerrrrrreeeeeee is another oneshot! Full of pain! And Angst! Just what all you depressed children desire! &lt;3</p>
<p>Warnings: Whump, Injuries, Unsympathetic Patton, Unsympathetic Virgil, Abuse, concussions, food mentions, emotional abuse, self deprecation, self hatred, feeling inadequate, uhhh more depressing shit, blood.</p>
<p>Yee!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Remus hadn’t planned on cleaning blood from the floor today - he really hadn’t! Blood disasters were reserved for Mondays and Thursdays, not Fridays. Fridays were for watching horror movies with Janus - and he refused to sit in the lounge if there was blood everywhere. So, Remus refrained from blood entirely on Fridays. So that he could be sure it was clean when Janus came down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But, of course, things didn’t go as planned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And, get this, the blood wasn’t even Remus’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>fault! </span>
  </em>
  <span>Though, he guessed he shouldn’t be quite so pleased about that, given the circumstances.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Golly, what happened to </span>
  <em>
    <span>you?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Remus asked, catching Roman before he could fall. “And why come here? Can’t your light side friends patch you up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman said something - Remus wasn’t sure what. That may have something to do with the large wound on his brother's head. He was probably concussed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- hey you’re getting blood everywhere!” Remus protested when Roman tried to pull away and stand on his own. Roman rolled his eyes slightly, slumping back onto Remus’s shoulder. Damn. He really wasn’t doing so well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah… okay. Um…” Remus desperately wracked his brain for anything that could help this situation. He couldn't leave Roman - not matter how much they fought he didn’t outright hate his brother - and he couldn't go get the light sides. They’d probably blame him, not to mention the somewhat negative reaction Roman had given when Remus mentioned them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, right.” Remus laughed, then tilted his head back. “JANUS!” Roman jumped, nearly collapsing, when Remus shrieked toward the stairs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t fuckin’...” he slurred out, eyes fluttering closed. “Do that.” Remus frowned. Were concussed people supposed to sleep? He didn’t think so…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, robro. Wake up.” He pulled Roman to the couch, trying to summon Janus instead of yelling again. “You’re hurt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.” Roman forced his eyes open, eyebrows furrowed. “Y’helpin’ me…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be like that.” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m still your nemesis, alright? Fight night is still happening on Tuesday if you get better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, how many times have I told you- is that Roman?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jan!” Remus beamed, looking from his brother's bloodied face to his friend. “The blood isn’t my fault!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What on earth happened?” Janus snapped, stepping over a pool of blood to reach the couch. “Goodness - stop the bleeding, Remus!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeahhhh!” Remus slapped his forehead, grabbing the bandages Janus summoned. “I knew I shoulda done something like that…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly.” Janus sighed, shaking his head. “What did you get up to now?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This wasn’t me!” Remus cried defensively, peeling Roman’s shirt off and pressing a bandage to a wound in his chest. “He just showed up! Right when I was about to make popcorn for our movies, too…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“M’sorry…” Roman tried to sit up, but Remus shoved him back into the pillows as gently as possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t move, dipshit. You’ll get the blood everywhere else!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s the least of our concerns, Remus-!” Janus sighed, shoulders falling slightly. “For crying out loud…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, so when Roman gets blood everywhere, it’s okay?” Remus pouted. “Talk about a double standard…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Focus!” Janus snapped, swatting Remus’s head playfully. Remus chuckled, turning back to finish wrapping his brother's wounds. Damn, someone really did a number on him, huh? And Roman hadn’t even been in the imagination today, Remus would have felt it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait a second…” Remus’s heart plummeted faster than a penny off the empire state building. “Who… who did this to you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm.” Roman fought to keep his eyes open, grimacing in pain. “Uh… no-one…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman.” Janus’s voice warned. Roman winced.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Th- uh… Vee…” he tried to sit up again, only to fall back down without Remus pushing him. “M’Pat…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Janus’s voice came out in a choked whisper. Remus just stared at his brother, pale and shaking from the blood loss.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’... tell Lo…” Roman begged, eyes drooping shut. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“W-wait a second, Roman-!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Roman’s head fell back onto the pillows, unconscious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well fuck.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman groaned, head pounding. What the hell? He was in so much pain… but not quite as much as he’d expected after what Patton and Virgil did. Maybe they’d actually patched him up afterward, this time. That… didn’t make any sense.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman forced his eyes open, finding that he was lying on the couch… in the dark sides common room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was dreaming, probably. Roman sat up, wincing as the wound on his chest pulled - it was bandaged. Weird. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s awake!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman winced at the sudden shout, turning to see his brother inches away, eyes wide. Roman yelped, jerking backward and making his head swim.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, shit. Lay down.” Remus grabbed his shoulders, pushing him down gently. Or, as gently as one could expect from him…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus?” Roman scowled. “What… why am I here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uhhh…” Remus stepped back, wringing his hands. “Janus? He’s awake!” Roman groaned. Janus was here? Goddamnit. He was Patton’s friend - he’d definitely have told Patton about all this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, good.” Janus came into view, holding a bowl of soup. “How do you feel, Roman?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Confused, and in pain.” Roman snapped. Janus winced. “Did you two kidnap me or something? What’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you not remember coming here?” Janus asked. Roman frowned, straining his memory. Did he… why would he go to the dark side while injured? On a Friday, no less. That was the one day he wasn’t allowed to sneak attack or be sneak attacked by his brother - it being movie night.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh… right. Roman winced at the reminder of what happened with Virgil and Patton. Wow, they were going to be so pissed…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you were here,” Roman muttered, taking the soup and glaring at Janus. “I thought it was just Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was until he summoned me.” Janus shrugged. Roman glared at his brother, feeling betrayed. But Remus just stared back anxiously. “That is the least of your worries, however. Last night you made… an unnerving accusation.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh-” Roman froze, eyes widening in terror. Shit. Shit shit shit. He knew he couldn't keep his mouth shut when he was concussed. Why did he ever let himself go near someone when he was injured, why-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“RoBro, ya gotta calm down!” Remus begged desperately. Roman looked over at him, eyes wide. “We aren’t gonna hurt you - I promise! Me and Jan just wanna help, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“B-But…” Roman looked suspiciously over at Janus. “You’re his friend. Haven’t you already… told him I’m here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who, Patton?” Janus shook his head. “Of course not. I could tell you weren’t lying last night - and while you may have been confused, I wasn’t going to take that chance.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Okay…” Roman glanced from one dark side to the other, still baffled. “But why did you help me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because we care about you, dipshit!” Remus shrieked, throwing his hands in the air. “For crying out loud - why did you come here if you didn’t think I’d help you, anyway?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t exactly… coherent.” Roman pointed out, frowning. “Sorry I ruined movie night - shit, they’re gonna kill me-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, they won’t.” Janus snapped, folding his arms. Roman narrowed his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah? How do you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because they won’t get anywhere near you, you’re staying right on that couch until I say so.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- so you’re holding me hostage?” Roman threw his hands in the air, wincing as the action pulled on his wounds. “What the fuck!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you rather I let them hurt you?” Janus asked, voice softening. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman looked away, staring down at his hands. On one hand, the pain would be familiar. He knew how to handle Virgil and Patton, and he knew the warning signs and the reaction time and everything he needed to. On the other hand… he was pretty sure Janus wouldn’t care either way if he refused their help. Roman would probably just end up tied to the couch, which didn’t sound like a great idea either.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman…” Remus said slowly, almost as if he was afraid. That was stupid - Remus was never afraid. “How… long has this been going on?” Well, shit. Why’d he have to go and ask that question?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno.” Roman shrugged absently. “It’s never been, like, that bad… till recently. But uh, I guess Patton’s always been kind of strict, and Virgil doesn’t like me either, so… forever? I guess? Maybe since like… middle school.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And Logan has been unaware?” Janus asked. “The entire time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Logan?” Roman winced. “Uhm, yeah. I think so, at least. They always make sure to tell me never to let him find out, at least. I guess they don’t want him to know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I see…” Janus hummed thoughtfully. “Remus, will you make sure Roman stays here until I get back?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure thing, Jannie!” Remus gave an over-exaggerated salute and beamed. “Where are you going?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to talk to Logan,” Janus said. Roman sputtered indignantly, trying to stand, but Remus just pushed him down again. “If he truly knows nothing of this, I’ll bring him here. If he knows and hasn’t helped you, I’ll leave him. Either way, we need to know who our friends are.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Friends?” Roman echoed, eyebrows raised as Janus sank out without another word.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, maybe that means you’re invited to the next movie night!” Remus gasped in delight. “Do you like horror movies? Probably not, right? But we can watch one of your movies too, I guess….”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe.” Roman sighed, closing his eyes and trying not to think about what would happen when Virgil got his hands on him again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was not going to be good.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>After about a half-hour, Janus reappeared with Logan - looking rather worse for wear - beside him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jannie! I did what you asked!” Remus declared excitedly, throwing his hand of Uno cards - Roman had caved and played with him after about five minutes - into the air. “Hiya, Logan!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus.” Logan nodded, though he met Roman’s eyes curiously. Roman winced, shrinking further back into the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus wouldn’t have brought him here if he was going to hurt Roman, right? He was self-preservation, he didn’t want any part of Thomas to be hurt. Then again, Patton was morality, and he-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told you,” Janus said, drawing Roman’s thoughts back to the present moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I suppose it makes sense.” Logan adjusted his glasses, and Roman suddenly noticed a ring of bruises around his wrist. Wait.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wait one goddamn second.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- what…” Roman looked at Janus, desperately hoping that his suspicions weren’t true. Janus looked back, mouth pressed into a thin line.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll both be alright.” He promised, summoning a blanket to drape over Logan’s shoulders as he guided him to the couch. “I don’t believe they’re too aware of your absence yet, which gives me time to block them from our side of the mindscape.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And?” Remus folded his arms with a scowl. Janus sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And what else are we gonna do?! You can’t tell me we’re just gonna-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can, and I will.” Janus hissed. “At least for now. Enough damage has already been done. The best thing to do is keep us four safe and alert Thomas to the situation.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- hey now.” Roman protested, a spike of dread shooting through him. “I didn’t agree to that. We’re not telling… Thomas doesn’t need to know about this!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why on earth would we keep this from him?” Janus asked, adjusting his hat slightly. “For years, he’s wondered why he has such trouble with self-love, and now it turns out that the sides who embody most of his ego have been abused for who knows how long. By Morality, of all sides. This has gone on for far too long.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- you can’t just- no!” Roman looked pleadingly at Logan, who avoided his gaze. “What would Thomas think of us if he knew about this? He’d… he’d think we’re weak, or… or… he wouldn’t… I’m supposed to be his hero!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m serious! I’m fine with… with you trying to help, but there’s no way I’m agreeing to tell Thomas about all this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Janus is right,” Logan said softly. Roman stared at him, feeling slightly betrayed. “Look what… look at us. They managed to convince both of us that we were completely alone, isolated by some great flawed difference. I don’t like it either, but…” Logan sighed, shoulders slumping. “Telling Thomas about this is the best course of action.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...you’re not giving me a choice, are you?” Roman looked back at Janus, feeling his resolve crumble once again. Of course. How stupid. Even when he was allegedly being saved… he was still never good enough for them. What did he expect?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s the best thing to do in order to keep you safe.” Janus insisted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Roman pulled his blanket tighter around him, curling into the corner of the couch. “Whatever. You’re right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...okay.” Janus squinted at him, no doubt sensing the hidden pain in Roman’s voice. It didn’t matter, either way. Obviously Patton had been right when he said all those things, explaining why Roman deserved to be hurt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one cared what he thought, or wanted. That’s just how it was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We don’t have to tell him right now.” Remus blurted into the tense silence. “Heck, right now we just ah… just need to make sure you and Logie are okay. Thomas can wait for like, a day. You’re more important.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman blinked, turning to look skeptically at his brother, who was watching him with an expression of utmost concern. It looked very out of place on Remus’s face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up, Jan. You know I’m right.” Remus threw a shuriken, which Janus casually dodged and let impale the wall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes… I suppose.” Janus sighed. “I’ll make you two something to eat, then. Remus… don’t do anything stupid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When would I ever do something stupid?” Remus beamed as Janus made his way to the kitchen. Roman burrowed deeper into the couch cushions, wondering idly how he’d gotten in this situation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t pull your stitches out, RoBro,” Remus warned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sti- how badly hurt are you?” Logan sat up a bit straighter, staring at him. Roman groaned, pulling the blanket over his head to avoid seeing his face. He already knew he was pathetic, did they really have to keep rubbing it in?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’ll be okay,” Remus said when Roman didn’t answer. “Just needs rest, like you do Lo! Let’s watch a movie! You can pick fiiiirst!” Logan sighed but requested a documentary about space. Roman listened idly, still trying to wrap his head around all of this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, evidently, Logan had been in the same situation as Roman had. They’d hurt him and threatened him not to tell Roman. That was… ugh. That was infuriating. Not only because it was just a dick thing to do, but because Roman didn’t even know what threat would work on Logan to make him keep such a secret. He was already getting hurt, and it's not like he’d care if they threatened Roman’s well being. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a bit, Roman found he’d grudgingly rolled over to watch the documentary - however musicless it was - and listen to Logan’s soft commentary.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But still, the nagging thoughts wouldn’t leave his mind. Why didn’t Logan tell him? Did he not want help? Did he hate Roman that much? What could Patton have threatened to make Logan suffer in silence like that? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lo.” Roman gently nudged Logan with his foot, and Logan looked over in surprise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, I thought you’d fallen asleep. You evidently went through a lot yesterday, and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me?” Roman asked, not looking away from Logan’s face. Logan frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought it had already been clarified that they manipulated and threatened the both of us.” He said slowly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But…” Roman groaned, sitting up a bit. God, this was going to sound so stupid. “Don’t you… not care if I get hurt? I mean… like, what did they tell you they’d do? It doesn’t…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I would care if you get hurt,” Logan said, sounding a bit offended. “But what does that have to do with this?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman frowned, not sure what Logan meant, and after a moment Logan’s eyes widened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They threatened me, didn’t they.” He said slowly. “To keep you from telling me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, yeah?” Roman rubbed his eyes. “Did they not… what did they tell you? You’re not a dude who’d just… let them hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do not… I don’t think we need to discuss this right now.” Logan said softly. Roman scowled. He could practically hear the gears turning in the others' head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think we do.” Roman sat up the rest of the way, wincing slightly. “What did they tell you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am… aware now, that they were wrong.” Logan said. “But I… I’m afraid I believed you would think less of me because of this. You wouldn’t ever listen to me again, you would see me as a joke, and possibly hurt me further.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- what?” Roman blinked a few times, trying to wrap his head around what Logan was telling him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Obviously, this was a manipulation tactic to isolate me.” Logan continued. “They did the same with Janus, Remus, and Thomas. I am aware I have… issues with being taken seriously, and they used that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman sank into the cushions, feeling worse than ever. He’d been… been used as a weapon. Against Logan - the one person he’d been trying to keep safe from all of this for years… and he’d failed. He always failed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do not blame you for any of this,” Logan said gently. “They lied, and that’s all there is to it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They said they would leave you alone,” Roman whispered brokenly, burying his head in his hands. “As… as long as I didn’t… I wanted to protect you, I…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault.” Logan insisted, voice firm. “And you saved me, Roman. By fleeing, telling Remus and Janus, you got both of us out of their figurative grasp.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Logan gently lifted his chin, meeting Roman’s eyes. “Thank you, Roman. You protected us.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sooooo yeah! Sorry if the ending seemed rushed, if I didn't find a way to end it it would have gone on for like AGES and nobody wants that.</p>
<p>Anways, y'all are super cool and chill dudes and I respect the hell out of each and every one of you little shits.</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Rex</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0052"><h2>52. Safe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sup Y'all! Sorry it's been awhile since the last update, writers block has been a bitch.</p>
<p>Warnings: Unsympathetic Remus (only mentioned), implied abuse, implied manipulation, age regression, injuries, blood, broken glass, unintentional triggering, food mentions, angst, open ending</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman peeked uneasily into the hallway, listening for footsteps or breathing. He didn’t hear anyone, but he still waited a few more moments before creeping out and toward the kitchen. He hated avoiding the other sides… but if he saw them right now all hell would break loose. And he didn’t need that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Getting his favorite mug out of the cupboard was going to be a challenge, Roman knew. But he’d done it before, so it would probably be fine. He dragged a chair over to the counter as quietly as possible before climbing up, scowling when the sleeves of his onesie fell over his hands, making him have to stop and push them up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He just needed a drink of water, and then he’d go back to bed and nobody would have to know he was small. Easy. He did it all the time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well… usually he wasn’t small for over a day. But he didn’t really know how to make food like he did when he was big, and he didn’t want anyone to see him. So he’d wait to eat until he was big again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stuck out his tongue in concentration when he stood on the counter, slowly pulling the cupboard doors open to get his mug. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>See, he could do this. Just because he was little, didn’t mean he couldn't take care of-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The mug slipped from his hands, crashing against the counter before shattering to pieces when it hit the floor.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman froze, tears building up in his eyes as he stared at the glass, and then his bare feet. Then back at the glass, shattered pieces of his Disney mug. It was broken, and he couldn't use summoning or fixing powers when he was small like this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell?!” Roman flinched when the light turned on, nearly slipping off the counter. He looked up, meeting Virgil’s eyes. “What the fuck is going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“V-Virgil…” Roman wrung his hands. “I’m sorry, I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Virgil asked, face twisted in confusion. “Why do you look like a kid? And- Jesus Christ, did you break something? It’s the middle of the night!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to!” Roman pouted, carefully stepping from the counter onto the chair - only for it to slip from underneath him sending him crashing to the floor, glass shards cutting into his hands and knees when he caught himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh no, this was a disaster. He could barely think clearly… and Virgil didn’t understand and he was going to get mad and who knows what he’d do next-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fucking hell, Princey!” Virgil grabbed Roman’s shoulders and picked him up, seating him on the counter. Roman flinched away, heart pounding as he felt himself getting younger by the second. He never regressed past four - even in the most stressful circumstances - but Virgil could clearly see his face grow younger. “What the- god, you’re bleeding! What the hell is wrong with you, why are you still shapeshifted this small?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Vee…” Roman started to cry, knowing that Virgil was not going to be happy about this. The only person who knew he regressed was Remus… and it never ended well when he was present for it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, fuck, don’t- I wanna help you…” Virgil stressed, inspecting the cuts on Roman’s hands. “Uh, one sec. I’ll summon some bandaids, okay? Just let me focus…” Roman tried his best to quiet down, and it seemed to work. Virgil cleaned the blood from his hands before putting Disney themed bandaids over the cuts, then rolled up the torn legs of Roman’s onesie and did the same there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tank you.” Roman said, still sniffling. Virgil wasn’t… mad? Or maybe he was mad, but he just didn’t want to punish him physically?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are Roman, right?” Virgil squinted at him. “Not some new side?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman!” Roman scowled. “Clearly.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay…” Virgil frowned, looking down at the glass. “Care to explain what’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uhm…” Roman fought tears again. “I… I small…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, no shit. Why aren’t you shapeshifting back?” Virgil rolled his eyes. Roman winced, shrinking away. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m not good… at whatever this is.” he summoned a broom, and for one terrifying second Roman thought he was about to get beat, but Virgil just stepped away and cleaned up the broken glass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman watched, worrying about what Virgil would do next. He’d probably hate Roman forever when he figured out what was going on… or he’d hurt Roman or send him back to Remus and Roman hated Remus especially when he was small and-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whoa whoa whoa!” Virgil turned back as Roman tried to jump off the counter and run away, looping an arm around his waist. Roman froze, whimpering softly and closing his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing to be sorry about, Princey. What’s gotten into you?” Virgil sighed, wrapping both arms gently around him. It was nice… but Roman was too terrified to really enjoy the rare embrace. “Let me think…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lemme go,” Roman begged, wiggling to try and dislodge the grip. “Please? Please and thank you? Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, fuck.” Virgil’s arms fell and Roman scurried away, hiding behind the stairs banister as Virgil stared at him. “You’re regressed?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… noooo.” Roman shook his head. “I just uhhh I just shapeshifted. For funsies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How long - does anybody know?” Virgil hurried toward him again and Roman winced, holding his arms up to cover his face. “Oh, fuck. Dude, I’m not gonna hurt ya if that’s what you think.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...don’t believe you,” Roman said softly, shoulders hunching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, okay, uh…” Virgil looked around, eyes falling on the couch. “How about we make a blanket fort, yeah? You can be inside, and I’ll be outside, and you’ll be safe. We can watch a movie or something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.” Roman put his arms down. All things considered, that sounded really nice. He rarely got to watch movies when he was little… and he really really wanted to. “Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Great, come on then.” Virgil stepped back, letting Roman get to the couch and start dismantling it without grabbing him. Roman watched him suspiciously but eventually got wrapped up in the movie he’d put on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He really should have known he’d fall asleep.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“-seriously didn’t know he regressed?” Roman frowned, rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted - not to mention starving - and covering in several layers of blankets and pillows. What on- the conversation nearby and the memories of the past few days clicked, and Roman froze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sat up, pushing the blankets and pillows off without getting too tangled, making the others jump in surprise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman! Good morning!” Patton beamed. “How ya feeling, kiddo?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah…” Roman looked at Virgil, who stared back guiltily. “I feel quite excellent, padre… why do you ask?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, cut the crap, Roman.” Roman winced, avoiding Janus’ eyes. “You didn’t tell anyone you regressed? That was incredibly dangerous and stupid! You could have gotten hurt!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You did get hurt,” Logan added, nodding to Roman’s hands. Roman scowled, stumbling to his feet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m perfectly fine.” he fibbed weakly, looking to Virgil for support. Virgil just raised an eyebrow. “It’s not like I break something and get hurt every single time I’m small! This was a one-off situati-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?! How often are you regressed?” Virgil stood up, eyes wide. “Has no one been taking care of you this whole fucking time!?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I take care of myself, obviously!” Roman scoffed. “You’re seriously overreacting. How do you even know that’s what was going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Damn, he didn’t want to deal with this… he knew to avoid conflict after regressing for at least a day or so. It was so incredibly easy to slip back into a small headspace after coming out of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We know because we’ve also experienced - to some extent - age regression,” Logan said. Roman stared at him, foggily trying to process this information. “Both Virgil and Janus regress at times, and while that wasn’t something we talk about openly I certainly assumed you knew.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- what?” Roman’s voice cracked as his mind slipped back to around eight years old, his body following quickly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, shi- I mean crap.” Virgil stepped forward, but Roman backed away. “Roman, take it easy. We don’t want to stress you out, we just want to help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“N-no… I don’t… I don’t need help.” Roman shook his head, backing up until he hit the wall. “I-I… I don’t care. I don’t care!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They knew… they knew this whole time that sides could regress? How long had they known? Why didn’t they ask him when he was big and mentally secure in that headspace? Why couldn't they find out what Remus had done earlier and save him - why didn’t they save him?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, sweetheart.” Roman opened his eyes to find he’d sat down on the floor, hugging his knees. Patton knelt in front of him. “Why didn’t you just tell somebody?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Roman sniffled. “I did.” Patton frowned, baffled. “An… an he… he said it wasn’t good an I was weird an not to tell anybody else or… or they’d be worse than him!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wh- honey, what are you talking about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He don’ like me, he hurts me!” Roman choked back a sob, hugging himself tighter. “Nobody… nobody told me I could tell! I thought it was supposed to stay a secret forever… he said so!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who…” Patton’s face paled. “Wh- Remus? You mean-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry!” Roman shrunk back, curling into a tighter ball and gripping his hair, pulling it. He didn’t like this… he wanted to be big. He didn’t want to be little right now… he didn’t like this!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, sweetie, it’s okay. We’re not going to hurt you. Remus isn’t either, okay? You’re safe here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” Roman yelled, glaring furiously at Patton through the tears. “No, it's not! You all… You all never… You let him hurt me! I hate you!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton sucked in a breath, but Roman didn’t wait to be yelled at. He jumped to his feet, pushing past Patton and sprinting to his room. He didn’t want to do this, he didn’t like this, he didn’t want to deal with it and he wasn’t going to leave his room until he was big again.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>He stayed regressed at eight years old for another day and a half.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman ignored the knocks and pleas at his door, ignored the way his stomach twisted with hunger. He ignored it until well after he’d become big again, worrying and thinking about it all over and over again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he did emerge - almost a full two days later - he went straight to the kitchen to get something to eat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton and Janus were there - but they, strangely enough, didn’t say anything as he made himself a sandwich and sat down. Good, he wasn’t in the mood to talk until he ate something. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, when Roman stood to clean his plate, Patton spoke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Roman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman almost dropped the plate in surprise, but caught it again and turned to look at Patton curiously. Oh, damn. Now that he looked, both Patton and Janus seemed exhausted. Patton had clearly been crying a lot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Why are you apologizing to me?” Roman asked tiredly, rubbing his eyes. “It’s not like you intended for anything… none of this is your fault.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We hurt you!” Patton burst out, clearly on the brink of tears again. “We… we thought it was something we didn’t have to say, but you needed us to talk about it! How on earth were you supposed to know you weren’t alone - how on earth were you supposed to know you could ask for us to help you? We just assumed you didn’t regress and it hurt you!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not maliciously.” Roman pointed out. He knew that - when he was in a younger headspace - he felt similarly to how Patton did. Just angrier. But that had been in the moment, he’d been stressed and not to mention an eight-year-old. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. You can’t change it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman…” Janus’s voice was slightly scratchy, and Roman blinked a few times in surprise. “You always apologize to us. Can’t you just let us apologize to you, this once?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright.” Roman shrugged. “Apology accepted. I’m not going to say… I’m not going to pretend I’m not confused… and when I’m small I’ll probably still be angry, but it’s not like I won’t forgive you. Remus did what he did, and that’s just how it is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, next time you regress you’ll tell someone?” Janus raised an eyebrow. Roman frowned uneasily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That… was a hard question to answer. He knew like this that they’d never hurt him, especially when he was young. But once he was regressed… it was a whole different ball game. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can try.” Roman shrugged tiredly. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m a lot different when I’m… when I’m like that. I don’t trust people.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As long as you’re willing to try.” Patton smiled sadly, drying his eyes. “I want to keep you safe - big you and little you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Roman sighed, hanging his head. “I know.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Eyyyy lookit that I wrote something</p>
<p>d'you wanna sequel? It'll be mostly fluff if I write one so be aware of that when voting.</p>
<p>Anyways, thanks for reading and being such cool dudes!</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Jason</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0053"><h2>53. apology</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hey'all! Just a small one today - based on some real events that weren't great so try and keep any comments respectful in this chapter.</p>
<p>WARNINGS: suicide attempt, being shamed for a suicide attempt, being /blamed/ for a suicide attempt, blaming oneself, self-hatred, yelling, semi-toxic parenting, a whole fucking lot of projecting, open ending</p>
<p>Enjoy this I guess</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Can you go downstairs and tell Remus to come up here?” Roman pulled out his earbuds when his mom continued. “He’s been sulking down there all day because your father grounded him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ll go.” Roman sighed and put his earbuds in his pocket, taking the stairs two at a time. Remus’s room was at the end of the hall, the door shut tightly. Like it always was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman knocked a few times before speaking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, mom needs you, come on out of your cave.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence. Ugh, great, now he had to go into the tragic kingdom that was his brother's bedroom. He probably had headphones on or he was just ignoring him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, let’s go, you’re already in trouble from this morning.” Roman groaned, knocking loudly a few more times in an attempt to avoid the inevitable. Still nothing. Of course.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m coming in there, and you better have clothes on,” he warned loudly, trying the doorknob. It was locked and he rolled his eyes, using his fingernail to unlock it thanks to it being a cheapo doorknob.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, what the fuck are you doing?” Roman demanded, poking his head inside and grimacing at the weird smell. Though the room was tidier than it usually was, it still reeked of whatever it was that Remus kept in here. Remus was lying on his bed, eyelids barely moving when Roman spoke. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you seriously pretending to be asleep? Mom’s gonna be pissed at you if she has to come down here.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No response. Roman frowned uneasily, walking in and glancing around the room once more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a large bottle of painkillers on his brother's nightstand. Weird. He thought that had been in the medicine cabinet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, get up.” Roman shook his brother's shoulder, but Remus didn’t react. The movement, however, caused his hand to fall to the side revealing a few of the pills on the mattress underneath it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Remus?” Roman froze, heart-clenching. “Very funny, you dick. Get up!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A piece of paper on the mattress caught Romans eye and he grabbed it, panic taking over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman sprinted out of the room, finding their mother in the kitchen where he’d left her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s Remus?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Roman swallowed past his terror, handing her the note. “I think he took a bunch of medicine… I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She pushed past, going down to Remus’s bedroom. Roman followed, swallowing the fearful sobs in his throat as she took his pulse, then picked up the bottle and shook it. It sounded nearly full.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, that’s enough. I know you didn’t take enough for anything to happen because this is basically a new bottle. Get up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus mumbled something, moving as if he tried to get up before flopping back down facefirst. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman backed up, tears rolling down his face as the realization of what he’d walked in on fully set in. He abandoned the room, locking himself in his own upstairs before letting a sob escape.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What if Remus died? What if he died and he hated Roman or thought Roman hated him or what if it was Roman’s fault? The note said it was his fault! Why was this happening? He didn’t understand… Roman buried his face in the pillows, sobbing as the terror continued to race through him. Terror, grief, shock, you name it Roman was feeling it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sure, he argued with his brother, and he thought the kid was an idiot, but he’d never want Remus to die! Let alone kill himself! Why hadn’t he seen the signs? He should be able to see the signs - he’s gone through this to some extent! He’d never actually tried, but still…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could hear their mother yelling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you want me to call the cops? I would have! You think you can just do something like this for your brother to find? He’s upstairs sobbing his heart out because of you! I know you hear it, and I know you know this isn’t funny!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus’s voice replied, tearful, and panicked. Roman felt a wave of relief rush through him. Remus wasn’t dead. He was alive.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their voices went up the stairs and he could hear his brother vomiting in the bathroom, while their mom stood outside and continued speaking - not quite yelling anymore - about how this was unacceptable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sobs died down as Roman’s panic receded, but now he was left feeling dried out and guilty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t know what to think. Had Remus even taken enough to do anything? Had this all been a cruel joke to get back at Roman for whatever it was they’d argued about? If it was real… how must Remus feel at the way their mom was talking about it? He had no idea what to do… so he buried himself in his pillows and stuffed animals, listening as the discussion petered off and the house fell silent once again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes - maybe hours? - later, a soft knock echoed on Roman’s door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman… I’m sorry.” it was Remus. His voice was still choked up and scratchy, and Roman heard the thump of his head resting on the other side of the door. “I’m really sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman didn’t say anything. He couldn't, really. One of the perks of being Roman was the fact that he went nonverbal when overly stressed. He hoped Remus didn’t think he was mad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was he mad?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman didn’t know.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus walked away a few minutes later, but Roman stayed buried in his cave of bedding. He didn’t know what to do… or how he felt about any of this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman didn’t know anything, but he hated the way he felt right now.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Anyway yeah that's that... sorry updates have been slow lately! A bit of writers block that I'm trying to work through! A few requests should come soon, so keep an eye out for that! &lt;3</p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Nub</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0054"><h2>54. Safe Pt. 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yeah,  we're posting two one-shots in the same day because Nub was motivated and now I'm fronting and I'm ALSO motivated. So. Yeah. y'all wanted a sequel for the Little Roman fic, so here ya go.  (are you interested in a book of age regression one-shots specifically? because we'd enjoy making one if you do)</p>
<p>Warnings: mentions of past abuse, being afraid to eat, self-deprecation,  food mentions (a lot), and a buncha fluff.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman had a problem. He scowled at the door from where he was sitting, cross-legged on the bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d promised that he’d tell somebody next time he was small… but that was when he was big. Big Roman didn’t understand… not really. The others were scary! They might hurt him, or make fun of him… or just do something! The only one he was even close to trusting was Virgil, after all, he’d fixed the Disney mug and helped him build that pillow fort.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman groaned, rubbing his eyes and sighing heavily. He didn’t want to break a promise… even if he’d been big when he made it and he was small now. Heroes never break promises.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Roman quietly slipped off the bed and to his door, listening carefully before opening it and looking across the hall. Dim purple light seeped from under Virgil’s door. He was in there. Good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman slipped inside, blinking to adjust his eyes to the dim light. Virgil was on his bed, headphones on and seemingly asleep. Oops. Maybe Roman didn’t have to tell Virgil, as long as he was in the same room? He didn’t want to wake him up… he might get mad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman padded over and gingerly sat on the end of Virgil’s bed, rubbing his eyes now and then as he waited.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t prepared for Virgil to open his eyes and scream. Roman flinched away, falling off the side of the bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the- Je-eeez…” Virgil threw his headphones onto the bed, walking around to Roman. “You can’t sneak up on a guy like that, Princey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh… sorry.” Roman hung his head. He should have known that. He was so dumb, especially when he was little. He should have just stayed in his room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, hey,” Virgil gently brushed Roman’s hair back. “None of that- how long have you been in here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh…” Roman frowned. “I dunno..”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, up and at em.” Virgil hauled him to his feet, taking his hand as they walked to the door. “Let’s get you out of here before you get too influenced.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah.” Roman had forgotten about that. He rubbed a finger under one eye to see dark eyeshadow matching Virgils. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About how old are ya right now?” Virgil asked as they reached the stairs. Roman pondered this for a moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Five.” He held up one hand, smiling proudly. “Almost big, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Something like that.” Virgil chuckled, shaking his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman’s eyes widened when he heard voices in the kitchen. He didn’t think that everyone else might be down here! He shuffled closer to Virgil, holding his hand tightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, you good?” Virgil stopped, looking down at him. Roman nodded, though he wasn’t sure how he felt about all the other grown-ups. He was still mad at them… but he knew they were nice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll stay with me?” he asked softly, eyeing the entrance to the common area. Virgil’s gaze softened and he nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, of course, I will.” He ruffled Roman’s hair playfully. “Don’t worry about a thing, kid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded, following Virgil into the kitchen without looking at the others.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, heya Vee!” Patton greeted. “I didn’t think you’d be down so soon!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t be, usually.” Virgil squeezed Roman’s hand as the three adults noticed him. “Roman just needed some company, that’s all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman?” Patton seemed surprised. “He’s small again already?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is odd,” Logan noted softly, while Janus just raised a brow in Roman’s direction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Roman buried his face in the back of Virgil’s jacket. It had been four whole days… he usually was small more often than that on and off. Why were they surprised? Was he doing it wrong? He was bad and weird, wasn’t he? Remus had always said that he was-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not a bad thing, dude.” Virgil knelt down and turned to face him. Roman looked at him doubtfully. “Just surprising. You can be small whenever you need to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah!” Patton waved his hands a bit. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, Kiddo!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S’okay.” Roman mumbled, chewing on his thumbnail. This was weird… he wasn’t used to being around big people while he was small. Not nice big people, anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want a snack?” Virgil suggested, letting go of Roman’s hand to head to the fridge. Roman hurried after him, shaking his head. He didn’t like eating when he was small… well, he was pretty hungry. But he didn’t know how to make food when he was this little. “I can make you something, Princey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“N-no!” Roman recoiled at the thought, images of poison and bugs and raw meat filling his head. “N-no… I wait. I wait till I’m big and make it myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.” Virgil rummaged through a cupboard next. “How about something like crackers? Nobody has to make them for you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Crackers…” Roman considered this, eyeing the sealed pack in Virgil's hand. “Okay.” He took it, inspecting the seal the best he could and deciding it was safe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You sure that’s all you want?” Patton asked worriedly. Roman frowned, holding the crackers protectively to his chest. “You didn’t come down for breakfast, kiddo. You’ve gotta be more hungry than that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wait.” Roman insisted, sitting at his chair next to Virgil and Janus, opening up the crackers. “I wait and make something when I’m big again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you’re sure…” Patton didn’t seem very happy, but Roman tried to ignore it. He wanted to give them as little chances to hurt him as possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you usually like to do when you’re little, Ro?” Virgil asked, folding his arms on the table and resting his head on them, sideways as he watched Roman pick at the crackers. Roman frowned, thinking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uhhh… I usually try an’ sleep.” He shrugged. “I'm usually small at nighttime, so I go to sleep. But in the day… drawin pictures and watchin’ movies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess we’ll have a Disney marathon, then,” Virgil said. Roman’s eyes widened in delight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A whole marathon? More movies?!” He clapped excitedly, grabbing his crackers before jumping down and running to the living room. Maybe they weren’t so bad… if they let him watch movies.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman dimly recalled how he’d gotten here - the living room with Virgil while they watched movies. He wasn’t entirely sure on how long it had been… but they were watching Aladdin at the moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Strangely enough, nobody was there except for him and Virgil. He knew that small him wasn’t a fan of the others - but he hadn’t expected them to actually stay away when requested. Then again… the idea of anyone caring what small him wanted was actually rather new. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You good, dude?” Virgil looked over when Roman adjusted his position, noticing that he was once again his usual self.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, yes.” Roman smiled tiredly. “Perfectly alright- what time is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Almost dinner.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded, flicking cracker crumbs from his shirt. He wasn’t very in touch with memories from when he was smaller… but he could have sworn he never ate unless he had to when he was small. A side effect from having Remus as… well… caregiver really wasn’t the right word there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?” Roman looked up distractedly, finding Virgil’s face creased with worry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think we need to talk about some stuff - all of us, I mean. When you’re big.” Roman sighed, nodding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose… that makes sense. I should be alright as long as it doesn’t get heated.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes later, the other three had emerged from wherever they’d been while giving Roman space.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you feel, kiddo?” Patton smiled, but it was a sad smile. Roman glanced between them all, noting the soberness in their expressions. Shit. What the hell happened while he was small?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, pretty good?” Roman shrugged. “Kinda tired, but like… not too bad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We have a few questions for you regarding your regression,” Logan said, after a few moments of silence where it became clear that nobody else was going to say it. Roman nodded, running a hand through his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s… that’s fine. Why are you guys all acting so… weird?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> “How often do you regress?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Roman frowned in surprise. “Like… every few days. Depends on how stressed I am, I guess. Why? Am I supposed to like… have it on a schedule or something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s certainly good to know.” Logan made a note in his notebook, and Roman frowned again. “Janus and Virgil regress roughly once a month, though the length of their regression and the age they regress to fluctuates. It’s not nearly as often as that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...oh.” Roman hadn’t thought of that. Though, that explained why it had gone unnoticed by him for so long. “Uh… sorry? I guess?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will not accept that apology, as it is unnecessary.” Logan shook his head. “What’s the longest you’ve been regressed for?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh…” Roman frowned, trying his best to remember. “Like… I think it went on for a week once? It’s usually not longer than a day, cuz I don’t usually eat anything when I’m… small.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s the other thing,” Virgil said, before Logan could. “Why… why don’t you eat when you’re small? That’s dangerous… it's not healthy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m hardly a good cook when I’m big.” Roman pointed out. “Whenever I’m regressed, anything I know goes out the window! I’ll eat crackers or little snacks… but…” Roman grimaced as he recalled why little him had such a hard time with food. “It’s complicated.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Believe it or not,” Janus spoke up, folding his hands in his lap. “We care enough to listen to you explain it. We want to help you, Roman. Not hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know that,” Roman said, and watched as Janus raised an eyebrow at the lie. He shrugged, and Janus didn’t say anything about it. “I… I don’t have all the answers, alright? When I’m little… I dunno, I don’t remember a lot of it. Small me is way different than big me, and he doesn’t trust very easily. That’s all… that’s all I can really tell you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This won’t work very well if you hide things from us.” Janus said softly. Roman winced. “We can’t help you unless we understand what you need - and ‘little you’ isn’t exactly forthcoming with information.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just…” Roman sighed, running his hands through his hair. “When this whole… regression thing… started, Remus found out about it. It was like… in highschool I guess. To put it simply… he’s not a good ‘caretaker’.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.” Logan frowned uncertainly. “I was… we were aware of some issues between Remus and your young self… but I wasn’t sure how bad it may be.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was… pretty bad.” Roman stared at the floor, fighting back the fog that usually crept forward when he started regressing. He really needed to have this conversation as an adult. “Sorry I never told you, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You do not need to apologize,” Logan said again. “If anyone does, it’s us. Patton and I have been aware that sides can regress for several years now, assisting Janus and Virgil when they do. Assuming that you already know things, or that there’s no reason to tell you things, is harmful. If you had been alerted earlier, you could have been saved a lot of pain.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, and like… J and I knew about this since high school too.” Virgil mumbled softly. “We just helped each other out… ish.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,  we used to do the same as you, Roman.” Janus amended. “Hide it, except from each other when possible. It’s not a great thing when you need to keep up appearances, after all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess not.” Roman frowned, uneasiness hitting him like a truck. “Wh- you lived with him. Did… did Remus…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think Remus even knows… we never let him in on it.” Virgil frowned thoughtfully. “I mean, he’s a riot to live with for sure… but I was never around him when I was small.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Roman nodded, relieved. “Okay, good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, kiddo.” Patton wrung his hands. “We really… really messed up with this. Is there anything… what can we do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not much, at the moment.” Roman shrugged. “I’ll try to… I’ll try to work on trusting you more when I’m small.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll work on being more trustworthy, then.” Virgil smiled, elbowing him gently.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman frowned, putting a hand on his chin as he looked at his reflection. He wanted to look nice for dinner because Patton always got excited and gave extra hugs when he looked nice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gave a self-satisfied hum and nodded, turning and strutting into the hallway. He could hear the grown-ups downstairs talking. The voices gave him pause, a split second of panic, and he peeked around the banister to observe before making his presence known. Virgil and Logan were sitting on the couch, talking about something Roman didn’t understand. Patton and Janus were in the kitchen, making food. It smelled really good…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hesitated, biting his lip. They didn’t know he was small right now… even though he was supposed to tell them. He’d wanted to just avoid them… but then he heard Patton talking about what they had for dinner. He really wanted pasta. Besides, Remus wasn’t around. He couldn't hurt the food, could he?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman kept by the banister as he walked down, trying to hide himself as much as possible. Logan saw him first, words faltering in his conversation with Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, Roman.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Logie.” Roman held onto the banister, swinging out a bit from the bottom step. “Hi Vee!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Princey.” Virgil smiled, swiping his bangs slightly out of his face. “How ya feelin?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.” Roman jumped off the bottom step, putting his hands on his hips. He could smell the chicken Janus was cooking… it smelled good. “Feelin’ hungry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’m making chicken alfredo if you want some,” Patton said cautiously, glancing at Janus as he did so. Roman made his way to the kitchen and clambered onto the counter, watching as he stirred the sauce. “Be careful you don’t get burned, kiddo.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m very careful,” Roman promised, crossing his heart as he did so. “What’s in the food?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“In this?” Patton seemed surprised, but he answered anyway. “Milk, cheese, butter, and some garlic and salt and pepper. It’ll go on the noodles in a second.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What's in the chicken?” Roman looked over to Janus, who was moving the chicken from the pan to a platter with tongs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Chicken, garlic, and a few other spices,” he said, seeming amused.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind?” Roman frowned suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at the chicken. Remus liked to put a lot of ‘spices’ on food. Chili powder, cocaine, arsenic…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uhh,” Janus grabbed a bottle and read the back, listing several things that Roman didn’t really know what they were, but he knew they were food. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are they spicy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, they’re not.” Janus turned off the stove, moving the platter to the table. “You’ve had alfredo before, Roman. You know what it tastes like.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just makin’ sure.” Roman huffed, rolling his eyes. Didn’t they know that food could be dangerous? “Don’t wanna get sick.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s okay, kiddo.” Patton ruffled his hair. “We’re almost done, d’you wanna help Janus set the table?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah!” Roman jumped down, walking confidently over to where Janus was getting plates out. “I can hold em, I promise I’ll be careful!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus hesitated, glancing over to something Roman couldn't see, before sighing softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright. Both hands, and get them to the table. Thank you, Roman.” Roman’s eyes widened and his heart swelled, gripping the plates tightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re welcome!” He yelled, turning to carefully bring them over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus liked him! He was happy that Roman was helping! He liked helping! Roman gently set the plates out, making sure they were perfectly centered in front of each chair before helping Janus put the cups and silverware at the right places.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan and Virgil came in and sat down, and soon enough everyone was sat around the table - Roman kneeling on his chair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He peeked around as everyone ate - Virgil putting a bit of food on Roman’s plate so he didn’t burn himself. He never sat for a meal when he was little before… it was weird. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman next inspected the food Virgil had given him. It was some noodles and a piece of the chicken Janus had made. He leaned down to sniff it, and poked it a few times with his fork. It didn’t move, so it wasn’t alive. And it smelled really good… but sometimes Remus would make good smelling things taste bad as a joke. Roman frowned, pulling a tiny piece of the chicken off with his fork and inspecting it. It seemed… normal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After another moment or so, Roman put the chicken in his mouth. He was very hungry, and it smelled good and it didn’t seem like anything bad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After that first bite, Roman cleaned his plate in a matter of minutes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil chuckled softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hungry there, kid?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not anymore.” Roman rolled his eyes. “I finished. See?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, yeah, that makes sense.” Virgil smiled, shaking his head. Roman got down from his chair, taking his plate to the sink with him to rinse it off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How ya feeling today, kiddo?” Patton asked when he rejoined the group - the adults hadn’t finished eating yet for some reason.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I feel okay!” Roman beamed, folding his hands in front of him. “Your food is way better than Remus’s food! It was cooked and everything!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, that makes sense.” Patton smiled. Roman kicked his feet a bit, not sure what to do. He wasn’t used to having meal conversations as a little. It was weird. “I’m glad you gave it a shot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too!” Roman beamed. He was glad he’d promised to talk to them when he was big. They were nice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt safe.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Little Roman is a babey. he must be protected. At ALL fucking costs.</p>
<p>Do you want more of this? Do you want a one-shot book specifically for Age regression? Cuz it's something we've really enjoyed writing recently... :)</p>
<p>let us know in the comments! </p>
<p>Love you all,</p>
<p>-Toby (yes, Toby, not Coby spelled wrong. It's confusing as hell but it's my name lmao)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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